AIBU to be really upset that DH complains we are overspending on my birthday

[freckles20]

Brief background : DH earns more than me. My family business went into voluntary liquidation 2 years ago and I am now self employed. Covid and my 14yo sons poor MH (he hasn't been able to be left alone sometimes) have meant that my business hasn't been as profitable as I hoped but it is now improving.

DH has always encouraged me in my work.

DH is not DS' dad.

We are comfortably off. I am very conscious that I'm not bringing in as much money as I should and I try not to spend more than necessary. Just for context, and not for a pity party as examples I cut my own hair, keep social spending to a minimum, no new clothes and absolutely no unnecessary spending on myself.

DH is a kind, caring, generous man usually.

Today is my birthday. He had insisted that we go out with some friends for dinner. He knew I wasn't too bothered but kept mentioning it so I asked a friend, her DH and DD and we are going out for some Tapas.

My friends are going away for a catch up overnight this weekend. When they invited me I declined because I didn't want to spend the money and also my sons MH is very tricky atm so it's hard it's hard to leave him. When DH found this out he arranged for me to join my friends and paid for my share of hotel. He also organised for my mum to have my son as he will be working. I was really pleased but already felt guilty.

Fast forward to my birthday today and he asks me if my friend's DH paid for everyone's food when we went out for my friends birthday. I said that he did and that I would put the meal on my credit card.

He snapped at me that "we are spending money like water". I feel really upset, he acknowledges that it was a thoughtless thing to say but he's cross with me as he feels I'm totally overacting and I've blown things out of proportion.

I am very tearful. I feel guilty and frustrated. I work outside and he was going to join me as he's off work today but I just want to be alone because I can't seem to pull myself together. He's now angry at my overreaction.

Am I being unreasonable to be so upset? And if I am how am I supposed to be 'less upset' and not 'overreact'?

When they invited me I declined because I didn't want to spend the money and also my sons MH is very tricky atm so it's hard it's hard to leave him. When DH found this out he arranged for me to join my friends and paid for my share of hotel. He also organised for my mum to have my son as he will be working. I was really pleased but already felt guilty.

It sounds like he did a really lovely thing, not just the paying, but the arranging. I get the impression that it's you that has the issues about money. You feel constantly guilty about any spending, so much so that you cut your own hair. He made just one fairly innocuous comment and your reaction has been quite out of proportion. I think you need to examine where your own issues have come from. And then have an honest talk with your DH about money. It sounds like you're both stressed (you about your son), so you need to be on the same team here. Good luck.

Maybe I’m reading it wrongly but it sounds like your friends were already going to the hotel/meal and he paid for you to join them as a birthday treat. If that’s what happened, I don’t think it’s unreasonable that he would then be frustrated if he found he was then going to expected to foot everyone’s meal bill, although I agree he could have phrased it better.

In my group of friends the birthday boy or girl doesn’t pay for their meal at all and certainly doesn’t pay for everyone’s. That’s a completely weird thing to do and I’m not surprised he’s pissed ff . I would be.

@freckles20 people treat you like you treat yourself.
If the situation was reversed would you mind your dh having nice things occasionally?
Be kinder to yourself, get your hair done at a salon, buy yourself clothes and don't be afraid to use some of your dh money. You're a family.

And stop with the guilty martyr stuff, my dsis does this it's really irritating!

How long have you been together? It stood out to me that for you to go away, he had to organise for your 14 year old to stay with your mum. Is that because they're really not close, or it's a relatively new marriage?

If it's been a long time and they're still not able to be in the same place overnight, I'd wonder a bit about dynamics - and whether your DS's mental health issues are partly caused by this distance, or whether they are causing a distance. I say this with sympathy for both you and DS, I also have a child with physical and mental issues and that's part of the reason I'm planning to stay single, because even as a parent it can be so hard to cope with it all, and even strong relationships can buckle under the strain. If it's these cases, open discussion or family counselling can really help, or if he really is a dick then you need to get out for your child's sake.

Or is it a relatively new relationship? Because if so, and without wanting to make you feel any more guilty, I'd also be tetchy and stressed about money if I'd been a reluctant sole earner for over 2 years, supporting a non working partner and their teenage child.

Back to earlier though, what are you doing about your financial situation now? Is your teenager going back to school and can your mum help, or his father? Is your business really going to turn around? Can you claim benefits as a carer or extra support for your DS? Because it sounds like you really need to make more.money, for your own mental health and to either take some stress of your DH if he's decent, or be able to get out if he's not.

@CharlotteRose90

In my group of friends the birthday boy or girl doesn’t pay for their meal at all and certainly doesn’t pay for everyone’s. That’s a completely weird thing to do and I’m not surprised he’s pissed ff . I would be.

It's not completely weird. Some people pay when they are inviting others to celebrate.

Went to birthday meal recently
We all put in £5 & one person bought the presents & cake
Then we all paid a little more, to pay for the birthday persons meal

If you are earning you should be able to spend on what you want, without getting into debt

Yes, you should spend time with your friends

Yes, you should enjoy your birthday

Do you pay into a pension ?

Do you have savings ?

Personally, I don't spend money on some things, so that I can spend on things that I prefer, that is good practice

Perhaps, you need to sit down & work out an entertainment/ hobby/holiday/birthday budget

The relationship dynamics are seriously off here.

You feel you need to save and go without despite your H having a good job and your household being comfortably off.

So oyu feel as you have a child from a previous relationship that you need to be grateful and not spend any of your ‘husbands’ money for either yourself or your son.

Do you ever spend money, time resources on things of benefit to your husband?

From reading your post it sounds like your H enjoys playing lord bountiful then gets angry if you try and take control of your expenditure and work a way of paying for luxuries without his input.
Are you forever grovelling and thanking him for ‘his money’?

@InthearmyN0W21

Went to birthday meal recently We all put in £5 & one person bought the presents & cake Then we all paid a little more, to pay for the birthday persons meal

This would be the norm for me too.