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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be really upset that DH complains we are overspending on my birthday

60 replies

freckles20 · 03/09/2021 09:09

Brief background : DH earns more than me. My family business went into voluntary liquidation 2 years ago and I am now self employed. Covid and my 14yo sons poor MH (he hasn't been able to be left alone sometimes) have meant that my business hasn't been as profitable as I hoped but it is now improving.

DH has always encouraged me in my work.

DH is not DS' dad.

We are comfortably off. I am very conscious that I'm not bringing in as much money as I should and I try not to spend more than necessary. Just for context, and not for a pity party as examples I cut my own hair, keep social spending to a minimum, no new clothes and absolutely no unnecessary spending on myself.

DH is a kind, caring, generous man usually.

Today is my birthday. He had insisted that we go out with some friends for dinner. He knew I wasn't too bothered but kept mentioning it so I asked a friend, her DH and DD and we are going out for some Tapas.

My friends are going away for a catch up overnight this weekend. When they invited me I declined because I didn't want to spend the money and also my sons MH is very tricky atm so it's hard it's hard to leave him. When DH found this out he arranged for me to join my friends and paid for my share of hotel. He also organised for my mum to have my son as he will be working. I was really pleased but already felt guilty.

Fast forward to my birthday today and he asks me if my friend's DH paid for everyone's food when we went out for my friends birthday. I said that he did and that I would put the meal on my credit card.

He snapped at me that "we are spending money like water". I feel really upset, he acknowledges that it was a thoughtless thing to say but he's cross with me as he feels I'm totally overacting and I've blown things out of proportion.

I am very tearful. I feel guilty and frustrated. I work outside and he was going to join me as he's off work today but I just want to be alone because I can't seem to pull myself together. He's now angry at my overreaction.

Am I being unreasonable to be so upset? And if I am how am I supposed to be 'less upset' and not 'overreact'?

OP posts:
ShallWeStartTheMeeting · 03/09/2021 09:14

That's not kind, he is being horrible.

He arranges it all for your birthday and the has a go at you?
And a one off treat (for your birthday!!!) Is hardly 'spending money like water'.

He is totally gaslighting you- and it is working as you were feeling guilty instead of enjoying your weekend.

Also, you are comfortably off but you can't even go to the hairdressers?

The whole situation is so sad.

WomanStanleyWoman · 03/09/2021 09:14

Sorry, I’m a bit confused by this bit:

Fast forward to my birthday today and he asks me if my friend's DH paid for everyone's food when we went out for my friends birthday. I said that he did and that I would put the meal on my credit card.

Is the situation that you’re paying for everyone on your birthday because your friend’s husband did the same a while back? And your husband isn’t happy about this?

Sundancerintherain · 03/09/2021 09:15

You are not over reacting at all. His aim was to upset you.
I had one of those , every birthday of mine he would either start an argument or upset me ( Oh, your wearing THAT, oh, makes you look fat/ old/ like mutton) .
I luckily got rid of mine.

Iwantamarshmallowman · 03/09/2021 09:16

So he told you to go out for your birthday and then snapped at you for doing so. I think this is a form of gaslighting. Your husband sounds controlling and a bit abusive. Yanbu .This doesn't sound like a loving relationships at all.

LagunaBubbles · 03/09/2021 09:18

Your post makes me so sad, this is not really about this current incident but the whole if your relationship generally. You say you're comfortably off, yet your whole post is full of emotions like fear of spending any money and guilt...this isn't a normal way to live.

Original poster
freckles20 · 03/09/2021 09:18

@ShallWeStartTheMeeting

That's not kind, he is being horrible.

He arranges it all for your birthday and the has a go at you?
And a one off treat (for your birthday!!!) Is hardly 'spending money like water'.

He is totally gaslighting you- and it is working as you were feeling guilty instead of enjoying your weekend.

Also, you are comfortably off but you can't even go to the hairdressers?

The whole situation is so sad.

I do feel sad. This feels out of character for DH but I do feel sort of entitled to be thoroughly pissed off.

I'm not sure what to say when he is telling me that my reaction is over the top. I am quite emotional atm mainly because I'm desperately worried about my son.

OP posts:
Polmuggle · 03/09/2021 09:19

If he's normally wonderful it sounds like a one of comment. Talk to him and move past it.

And OP if you're comfortably off, don't martyr yourself about spending. It helps no one but makes you feel inconsequential

Quartz2208 · 03/09/2021 09:19

So you are planning on buying dinner for everyone tonight not just you?

How did it come about - did he just ask out of the blue or did it come up that actually your friends DH paid for everyone (who was everyone) the last time therefore the expectation or your expectation was that you would pay for all 3 of them.

SpacePotato · 03/09/2021 09:22

Why would he arrange it, pay for hotel etc THEN moan about money?

Is he usually such a dick? Making you feel shit so you either don't enjoy it or don't go?

I don't understand why you would pay for everyone else's food on your birthday though? My friend's have always paid for themselves, but then none of us could afford to pay for everyone else too.

username40683 · 03/09/2021 09:22

I am concerned at the fact that as a family you are financially comfortable but that you can't buy anything for yourself or even get your hair cut. You also seem too concerned that you are not contributing enough. When I was on maternity recently I contributed alot less to the joint bills. DH picked up gap and whilst I had to be abit more careful due to us having less money. DH did not expect me to give up buying things I needed for myself or getting my hair cut. Sorry but I sense abit of financial abuse/control here.

With regard to the comment I agree with PP he was gas lighting you.

Sundancerintherain · 03/09/2021 09:23

How does he usually act on your Birthday? Christmas? Anniversary?

Original poster
freckles20 · 03/09/2021 09:24

@WomanStanleyWoman and @Quartz2208 sorry to have confused you.

So when DH asked me if my friends husband had paid when we went out for her bday I instantly felt guilty. Hence me suggesting I paid on my credit card. I guess I had assumed DH would pay until he mentioned it.

My friends birthday meal was similar- the three of us joined the three of them. Friends DH snuck off and paid before we had a chance to see the bill.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 03/09/2021 09:25

He doesn’t sound too lovely to me

Original poster
freckles20 · 03/09/2021 09:26

@SpacePotato

Why would he arrange it, pay for hotel etc THEN moan about money?

Is he usually such a dick? Making you feel shit so you either don't enjoy it or don't go?

I don't understand why you would pay for everyone else's food on your birthday though? My friend's have always paid for themselves, but then none of us could afford to pay for everyone else too.

He's not usually a dick.

I agree with you about not needing to pay for everyone. I guess it felt like we should this time though.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 03/09/2021 09:28

Unfortunately OP he doesn't sound the least bit kind.

He sounds mean spirited and tight.
He was very unkind in his comment.

He did a "nice" thing but begrudges you this gift.

Mean, not kind.

And you know it.
Your gut is screaming it to you and that is why you are tearful.

He also is annoyed you are upset?

Controlling too.

Your post reads to me that YOU are trying to convince yourself your husband is a good kind man.

I can tell you he doesn't read like that.

He reads as mean, unkind, controlling.

You are comfortably off but you don't feel you can afford a haircut.

Kindly...ffs wake up.

Kind? My arse.
He sounds like a right bully.

Happy birthday OP.Flowers

Original poster
freckles20 · 03/09/2021 09:29

@username40683

I am concerned at the fact that as a family you are financially comfortable but that you can't buy anything for yourself or even get your hair cut. You also seem too concerned that you are not contributing enough. When I was on maternity recently I contributed alot less to the joint bills. DH picked up gap and whilst I had to be abit more careful due to us having less money. DH did not expect me to give up buying things I needed for myself or getting my hair cut. Sorry but I sense abit of financial abuse/control here.

With regard to the comment I agree with PP he was gas lighting you.

I guess it feels different as DS is not DH's son. DH has a stressful job and earns well and I feel guilty for not doing my bit hence me trying to keep my spending down- he doesn't encourage me to do this, I create my own guilt but then t feels very justified after his comment today
OP posts:
girlmom21 · 03/09/2021 09:32

YANBU to feel a bit upset about what he said and the way he said it but has it been an expensive month?

Has DS had new school uniform/shoes etc?

Just playing devils advocate really but maybe he's just a bit stressed about cash at the moment and he'd forgot about this expense or hadn't budgeted for it?

billy1966 · 03/09/2021 09:35

Well you don't spend a penny because he has clearly communicated to you that you shouldn't.

He doesn't have to say it outright, just complain about how ye are "going through money like water".

How long are ye together?

What is he like to your son?

Has his meanness and gaslighting been a contributing factor in your sons problems?

I think you need to stop gaslighting YOURSELF and be honest about this man.

He has effectively ruined your birthday.

And you think he is kind?
Flowers

Quartz2208 · 03/09/2021 09:38

So presumably this is your own credit card.

It is very hard @freckles20 to wade through here what is your DH and what is your guilt about

Brief background : DH earns more than me. My family business went into voluntary liquidation 2 years ago and I am now self employed. Covid and my 14yo sons poor MH (he hasn't been able to be left alone sometimes) have meant that my business hasn't been as profitable as I hoped but it is now improving.

And what is you being worried about your son

What is your communication normally like?

Cam77 · 03/09/2021 09:46

Everybody occasionally snaps when under pressure and everybody is unreasonable sometimes. It’s unfortunate his 1% strop was on your birthday but if he’s a decent person the other 99% of the time, as you say he is, he probably feels bad about it already. Probably nothing more to it than that and I’d ignore the “he’s a terrible man”, “gaslighting!”, “LTB! ” comments.

Original poster
freckles20 · 03/09/2021 09:47

@girlmom21

YANBU to feel a bit upset about what he said and the way he said it but has it been an expensive month?

Has DS had new school uniform/shoes etc?

Just playing devils advocate really but maybe he's just a bit stressed about cash at the moment and he'd forgot about this expense or hadn't budgeted for it?

Yes it has been quite expensive as we had a uk holiday.

I try to pay fior DS specific stuff myself so I bought his uniform....

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 03/09/2021 09:48

He married you with your son OP I think you need to have a proper conversation really about all of this because I dont think the current situation is working for you

Cam77 · 03/09/2021 09:56

@freckles20
feel really upset, he acknowledges that it was a thoughtless thing to say but he's cross with me as he feels I'm totally overacting and I've blown things out of proportion

So he acknowledges he was a dick. If his apology is genuine that’s all there is to it surely? Decent people do act like dicks occasionally. As long as they acknowledge it afterwards and it doesn’t become a habit, it’s all good. There’s no such thing as the “perfect” partner, any more than there is the “perfect” person. People used to accept this fact was true for both men and women, without the first reaction being “he’s gaslighting you!!”.

OverTheRubicon · 03/09/2021 10:00

The whole situation sounds difficult, as you are clearly very aware and trying hard about.

If a woman posted on here to say that her DH and his DD were living together, and that he hadn't earned any money for many years after losing his business and then more recently investing in a new one that wasn't really profitable, and that she'd snapped after organising a birthday thing but then discovering that they'd be paying for their friends for dinner too... People would be speaking very differently.

If he truly is otherwise decent, then he's behaved badly but it is forgivable.

You do need to fix your financial situation. Either he's a decent bloke who behaved badly because he's stressed about money, or he's an arse and you need financial independence.
If your 14 year old's MH is so bad that they can't be left alone, have you looked into support available as a carer? Are you getting maintenance? Does your child have another parent or involved family member who can support so you can put proper time into your business or find a more stable paying job?

PercyPiginaWig · 03/09/2021 10:05

@SpacePotato

Why would he arrange it, pay for hotel etc THEN moan about money?

Is he usually such a dick? Making you feel shit so you either don't enjoy it or don't go?

I don't understand why you would pay for everyone else's food on your birthday though? My friend's have always paid for themselves, but then none of us could afford to pay for everyone else too.

He would arrange it so he looks like a nice guy.

It actually comes across to me that he is a horrible cunt who has done such a good job of gaslighting the OP that she actually thinks he's nice.

I am usually more subtle because the OP will read a comment like mine and probably dismiss it completely, but I'd bet a lot of money on the fact that he is controlling and abusive and she tries to keep the peace because she's grateful he throws crumbs of affection her way, and more importantly doesn't want to rock the boat with her son's mental health issues.
Any chance living in this environment could be contributing to them?