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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP won't let my Mum drive the children

52 replies

MonsterMunch99 · 02/09/2021 23:09

DP is very safety-conscious, and has decided that my Mum shall never be allowed to drive the children. If she wants to see them, she has to come to us.

My proposal is for mum to have the kids for the weekend, a couple of times a year. DP says no way, if she wants to see them she has to come here, or one of us has to drive them all the way there and all the way back.

It's a 2 hour drive, and my sister lives halfway, so the obvious compromise is for one of us to drive them to my sister's place, and then Mum can pick them up from there.

My Mum is in good health, has been driving for 50 years and never had an accident, but DP doesn't like her driving.

To me this feels really wrong. What's more, DP's attitude to safety is completely inconsistent - the kids are constantly doing stuff on horses as DP is very horsey. At one pony club event recently there were 3 accidents, including one hospitalisation, in the space of a couple of hours. DP knows how to mitigate the horsey risks, but 4 hours per year in a car with my Mum can't be more dangerous than riding horses two or three times a week all year round, surely?

OP posts:

SiobhanSharpe · 02/09/2021 23:12

What do you think about your mum's driving?
Does it feel ok to you?
Presumably she was driving you around when you were a child or teenager?

TakeYourFinalPosition · 02/09/2021 23:14

How bad is your mums driving? Is it a fair concern?

To be fair; my in-laws driving isn’t great, and it’s gone downhill over lockdown. It hasn’t come up, and I don’t think it will, but I wouldn’t be keen on letting them drive my children around.

I don’t think the horse riding is relevant, unless you’ve got concerns that he’s not keeping them safe there, and that’d be separate to the conversation about your mum…

MadeForThis · 02/09/2021 23:18

I wouldn't let my FIL drive my kids. He's an awful driver. He hates driving too. Even DH doesn't like getting into the car with him.

Accelerates too fast, drives to close. Panicky driver.

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 02/09/2021 23:39

Tbf my ils were never allowed to drive our dc anywhere.. Mil never got out of second gear and she wore glasses to 'help' fil when he drove..
Fucking bonkers.

LeroyJenkinssss · 03/09/2021 00:01

Yeah it totally depends on your mother’s driving tbh. People can have extremely misguided views on their own driving ability and it’s frankly terrifying how many people are still on the road despite despite serious issues. Has he just plucked this issue out of the air or was there an incident preceding it?

Also is she used to driving that distance? My PIL view anything over 40 mins as a big drive, anything over an hour needs a rest stop. What they think of my commute heaven knows (90 mins each way).

Couchbettato · 03/09/2021 00:27

XH had this rule for my mum and nan. Neither had ever had any points on their license, no accidents and have been driving years.

But I've been in the car with both when they're drove slower than they should and nearly caused accidents. Or they've drove through reds on accident. Or they've gone round a roundabout 7 times playing wacky racers because they can't count to "third exit".

If it weren't for the fact that I don't drive, I wouldn't have my son in the car at all. When we do get in the car it's for short, well travelled and understood journeys. We don't travel long distances with them and there never unaccompanied.

I also had a rule about ALL OF US never getting in the car with FIL who consistently had other people take points on their license for him, under duress or fear of abuse. The idiot will die one day in a car crash. I only hope he doesn't take others with him.

Original poster

MonsterMunch99 · 03/09/2021 09:16

My mum's driving seems fine to me, and she's not a Sunday driver in a little tin can. She drives a brand new German SUV with a 5 star NCAP rating, and regularly takes it to the south of France and back.

OP posts:

RhodaDendron · 03/09/2021 09:18

Yes in that case he is BU!

Ughmaybenot · 03/09/2021 09:18

Your DP is being entirely unreasonable given your update on your mums driving ability.

Rainbowshine · 03/09/2021 09:21

Is he worried that she’ll be distracted by the children? If you’re unaccustomed with zoning out the incessant babbling and noise it can be very distracting. Does she have form for being a bit laidback about stuff, so would she be sure to sort out car seats and seat belts?

Nonicknamesforcatapillars · 03/09/2021 09:22

@MonsterMunch99

It sounds like he is being unreasonable.

Original poster

MonsterMunch99 · 03/09/2021 09:49

Also my sister lets mum drive her kids around all the time.

OP posts:

Excelthetube · 03/09/2021 10:20

Is he like this in other areas

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 03/09/2021 10:26

Look who just volunteered himself for all that extra driving!

On a serious note, unless he can explain why he thinks your mum is an unsafe driver, I don't think you should pander to paranoia. If he can give genuine examples of real safety concerns then maybe he has a point.

MindyStClaire · 03/09/2021 10:31

What doesn't he like about her driving? Is there anyone else he doesn't allow drive them, because if not he may have a point. There's still lots that can make a bad driver even if they do have a good car and plenty of experience.

FlowerArranger · 03/09/2021 10:31

His DECISION?

Your PROPOSAL?

This doesn't bode well.

You need to nip this in the bud. Or it won't end well.

MarigoldGloves · 03/09/2021 10:34

Forget the basis of the disagreement- He sounds very controlling to be honest.
Do you ever do anything he doesn't entirely agree with?
Alarm bells are going off in my head.

pointythings · 03/09/2021 10:38

He doesn't sound reasonable based on your updates. With hindsight my mum was a terrible driver who should never have been allowed to drive me and my Dsis, never mind my kids. But your mum sounds absolutely fine.

Rosebel · 03/09/2021 10:40

My dad was an excellent driver when I was a child /teenager. He used to drive all over the country and never had an accident.
However he's in his 70s now and his driving is awful. I don't like driving with him. Occasionally he'll pick the kids up from school but that's only a round trip of 3 miles. I wouldn't be happy with him doing anymore. Unfortunately I don't think he's noticed his driving has gone downhill and it's difficult to say to him.
So even though your mum has been driving for a long time,, is, it really safe?

AllTheSingleLadiess · 03/09/2021 11:03

Have him do the driving to your mum's house twice a year.
If your kids stayed for a weekend would she need to drive them places because it's rural?

Shoxfordian · 03/09/2021 11:05

He sounds controlling
Is he like this about other things?

RedHelenB · 03/09/2021 11:06

Tbf there are a lot of posts from mums saying similar about letting their pigs drive their children.

vodkaredbullgirl · 03/09/2021 11:08

He is been an arse ffs

MrsSkylerWhite · 03/09/2021 11:10

MonsterMunch99

In which case he’s being unreasonable.

Tinkerbellfluffyboots79 · 03/09/2021 11:11

Well no weekends away then. Your husband should really make sure he’s got an advanced driving qualification and the ability to judge other peoples driving before he judges your mother. Sorry but if some ‘man’ deemed me not good enough to drive his kids then fine (especially if there’s no good reason) but he’s someone I’d want round me or to help out by minding your kids. How’s your driving? Why is it ok for you to drive them and not him?
Honestly I couldn’t be bothered with that

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