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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP won't let my Mum drive the children

52 replies

MonsterMunch99 · 02/09/2021 23:09

DP is very safety-conscious, and has decided that my Mum shall never be allowed to drive the children. If she wants to see them, she has to come to us.

My proposal is for mum to have the kids for the weekend, a couple of times a year. DP says no way, if she wants to see them she has to come here, or one of us has to drive them all the way there and all the way back.

It's a 2 hour drive, and my sister lives halfway, so the obvious compromise is for one of us to drive them to my sister's place, and then Mum can pick them up from there.

My Mum is in good health, has been driving for 50 years and never had an accident, but DP doesn't like her driving.

To me this feels really wrong. What's more, DP's attitude to safety is completely inconsistent - the kids are constantly doing stuff on horses as DP is very horsey. At one pony club event recently there were 3 accidents, including one hospitalisation, in the space of a couple of hours. DP knows how to mitigate the horsey risks, but 4 hours per year in a car with my Mum can't be more dangerous than riding horses two or three times a week all year round, surely?

OP posts:
LakeShoreD · 03/09/2021 11:14

He isn’t a safety nut if he’s happy to let them ride because it’s pretty much the most dangerous sport there is. Stop kidding yourself. He’s a controlling arse. End of.

sillysmiles · 03/09/2021 11:20

No, your DP isn't safety conscious, he is trying to distance your children from your mother.
You are also their parent - where's your voice in this?

Original poster
MonsterMunch99 · 03/09/2021 11:22

@MindyStClaire

What doesn't he like about her driving? Is there anyone else he doesn't allow drive them, because if not he may have a point. There's still lots that can make a bad driver even if they do have a good car and plenty of experience.
DP has been in the back when mum was driving, and doesn't like her driving. Too jerky apparently.

Once, when mum was driving DS, DS felt sick (although that sometimes also happens when I drive).

MIL (ie DP's own mother) is also not allowed to drive them. In fairness, she regularly drives after several glasses of wine.

OP posts:
Original poster
MonsterMunch99 · 03/09/2021 11:26

In fairness, DP has a HGV and a ARDS licence, so is a pretty good driver.

OP posts:
WhatATimeToBeAlive · 03/09/2021 11:29

Well your DP can drop them off then and do the 4 hour round trip.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 03/09/2021 11:33

@WhatATimeToBeAlive

Well your DP can drop them off then and do the 4 hour round trip.
Yup
LargeBouquet · 03/09/2021 11:36

I have sympathy with the jerky driving thing, as my father does it -- I spent my entire childhood being desperately car sick, and thought it was me until I realised it was because he was driving. I'm never sick with anyone else, but I still can't be his passenger for more than very short trips.

I don't let either of my PILs drive DS, as I don't think they're safe.

DuckDuckGooses · 03/09/2021 11:44

So he's not happy with either sets of grandparents driving? And he holds an enhanced license? And your DS has felt sick from the way your mother was driving before?

I mean TBH it just sounds like your DP is really safety aware, and if he's like this with everyone (including his own DM!) it seems like he's just doing it with the best interests of your children at heart! I wouldn't say it sounds unreasonable or controlling, if it was just your DM he had an issue with it'd maybe be concerning but if it's across the board then its just because he wants your children to be safe.

It doesn't matter if your sister lets her drive her children, I'm sure there's all sorts of things other parents do that you wouldn't be happy with too!

Angelonagelee · 03/09/2021 12:12

I think he is using your DM as an excuse to justify to his own DM why she is not allowed to drive them. ie nobody's DM gets to drive!

SpiderinaWingMirror · 03/09/2021 12:12

He is being an arse then. I had to have a difficult conversation with my mum about not driving youngest dd but she was 75.

Notanotherusernamenow · 03/09/2021 12:17

As someone who is an event rider - yeah, if your DP is horsey, she’s a hypocrite. I have even broken my back competing and have seen many a child end up in an ambulance and at least one a year get an airlift in a helicopter.

Ponies are great for kids - teach responsibility, commitment, bravery etc., but they will get hurt! A German suv, even in an accident, is definitely going to protect them!

Balonzette · 03/09/2021 12:19

I'm on your DH's side. I would not let anyone drive my children unless I felt comfortable with their driving, no debate.

Throckmorton · 03/09/2021 12:57

MIL (ie DP's own mother) is also not allowed to drive them. In fairness, she regularly drives after several glasses of wine.

Why have you not either stopped her or reported her to the police? She could kill someone, and you're knowingly doing nothing about it.

JuneOsborne · 03/09/2021 13:01

I can totally understand your DHs reluctance. Especially as a pro driver, he will see some shocking driving every day.

That said, this is irrational. She has a super safe car, is a competent driver and presumably has all the right car seats if needed.

He can't just make a unilateral decision on this. He has to learn to compromise.

I work in risk management/communication (well, sort of!) Comparing risks rarely works, because of the what if, this is different, I'm there with the horses, yada yada, do I'm gonna tell you now that you won't win by saying that horses are more dangerous. (But I agree with you on that!)

Blossomtoes · 03/09/2021 13:02

He’s totally unreasonable given your update. Having said that, our dil was a bit 😲 when I told her that no way would I ever drive her children because the responsibility is too great. I have 30 odd accident free years too.

Babyiskickingmyribs · 03/09/2021 13:08

Is this actually about justifying to his mum why SHE isn’t allowed to drive them?

Proudboomer · 03/09/2021 13:14

He has a HGV so a professional driver. You admit that your mum is a jerky driver( the jerks quick stops or slow downs so she drives on her breakers) and her driving makes your child feel sick.
So no matter what car she drives or how far she drives I wouldn’t be putting a young child in the car with her. I might allow short local journeys of a couple of miles that didn’t involve motorways or overly busy roads but long journeys involving a motorway no.

LagunaBubbles · 03/09/2021 13:16

Tbf there are a lot of posts from mums saying similar about letting their pigs drive their children

Now this would be unsafe! Grin

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 03/09/2021 13:16

I think your partner should be giving you better reasons than your mum was "a bit jerky".
If she's a professional driver then she should be able to better articulate the issues.

knittingaddict · 03/09/2021 13:41

@Notanotherusernamenow

As someone who is an event rider - yeah, if your DP is horsey, she’s a hypocrite. I have even broken my back competing and have seen many a child end up in an ambulance and at least one a year get an airlift in a helicopter.

Ponies are great for kids - teach responsibility, commitment, bravery etc., but they will get hurt! A German suv, even in an accident, is definitely going to protect them!

Agreed. My daughter went to casualty with concussion after a fall from a horse. It could have been so much worse. The other ended up in a cast after a skiing accident. None of us have ever come to harm being driven around the country in a car.
Tempusfudgeit · 03/09/2021 15:41

Team Dad here. Driving a big new car long distances doesn't make her a safe driver. 'Jerky' suggests to me slow reactions.

lockdownmadnessdotcom · 03/09/2021 15:47

Hmm I am not sure being an HGV driver means he's a good driver!

Personally I think you say you'll make the call on your mum and he can make the call on his mum. If you are comfortable with her driving your kids (and it's only one hour from your sisters?) then that should be enough.

My mum is a confident driver but goes a bit fast for my liking. But I also know that when she took my son home with her for a week once summer (3 hour drive) she drove rather more carefully than she normally would, and that is also something to consider. When you have sole responsibility for a child you have a different mindset to when you drive yourself or even the whole family.

RedHelenB · 03/09/2021 16:21

@LagunaBubbles

Tbf there are a lot of posts from mums saying similar about letting their pigs drive their children

Now this would be unsafe! Grin

Meant PILs should have checked before posting.
PepsiHoover · 03/09/2021 16:24

@WhatATimeToBeAlive

Well your DP can drop them off then and do the 4 hour round trip.
Indeed.
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/09/2021 17:21

Surely the thing to do here is 'put your foot down' about horse riding. Something that's based on actual stats. Most air ambulance journeys are for horse riders and motor bikers and I'm sure there are plenty of rospa stats around accidents. If your mums driving is fine and she is used to kids in the car and the worst he can say about it is it's a 'bit jerky' rather than unsafe then in my opinion he doesnt get to overrule you on this (no to the drink driving grandma I can understand)