Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Settle this for me please!

95 replies

Myusernameisunique · 02/09/2021 22:24

So no backstory or anything to this really but please can someone tell me if AIBU or if, as I think, I'm being fair enough.

I'm having a small party at home soon for DC's birthday, 4-8 year olds coming if that makes a difference. I have a Ddog who is a pest with food and things so have arranged and paid for them to be looked after for the day to save me stressing and poor Ddog ending up locked away somewhere. DP, who for context doesn't live with me and has no DC or anything, has asked me if his DB's dog can come along to the party. No backstory with in-laws or anything and usually I wouldn't have a problem. This is the first time DP's DB will be coming to my home. I've said no on this occasion as I've already arranged for my dog to be looked after for the day to alleviate the stress of them running about all the kids and stealing food and stuff. Both dogs are small breeds but still I'd just rather there was no stress. DP thinks AIBU to say no and should let DB bring the dog and he's fallen out with me a bit over it. There is somewhere the dog could go so it's not preventing him coming. DP's making me feel terrible. I'm not usually one to say no to things as I hate hurting peoples feelings so I feel extra bad! Am I in the wrong? Should I just let them bring the dog? It's my DCs first proper party with their own friends and things as well because of stupid Covid so I'm working extra hard on a tight budget to make it special. It's just taking the shine off it all a bit having this to worry about. DP suggested I message DB to say the dog can't come as well which I've said I'm not comfortable with and I feel like he's trying to make me feel guilty. I don't know DB that well, only exchanged the very odd couple of sentences a couple of times. So it would be strange for me to say anything I think and make me look a bit mean. Any advice/opinions welcome!

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 03/09/2021 07:06

Yanbu - who brings a dog to a children’s party ( or someone else’s home??) lots of small children and dogs don’t mix

FinallyHere · 03/09/2021 07:23

wouldn't normally say no

Is DP not used to hearing you say no?

Can you remember when you last said no to him?

I'd encourage you to start doing this a bit more often. Get him more used to having to respect your boundaries. Good luck.

3luckystars · 03/09/2021 07:56

Your partner is acting like a bully boy.

Your BIL also sounds a bit unusual too if he wants to bring his dog to a party.

This is just a taste of things to come. Your children are more important than anything else. I would back away quickly. Good luck with the party.

lottiegarbanzo · 03/09/2021 08:24

Text / call the brother and say you're looking forward to meeting him and welcoming his DCs to the party but you cannot allow the dog into your home.

You need to be clear and use words like 'no' and 'not possible'. Don't leave room for doubt or interpretation. Don't apologise, or make it sound like you regret your decision. That will give him the chance to argue around your objections.

Be prepared for the BIL to turn up with the dog. What will you do? Can his DCs be dropped off, so he can go and walk the dog, or take it elsewhere? You need to be the one at the door, not your DP and you need to be prepared to stand your ground and, in effect, physically block him from coming in with the dog. He may well go in for some emotional manipulation, claiming you're preventing his DCs from coming to the party. Keep him outside with the dog. Do not allow yourself to feel embarrassed if he chooses to make a scene in the street. The other parents will be VERY pleased you've kept him and the dog outside, not let them in.

They sound like a pair of manipulative bullies.

Think it was more the fact I said no and he doesn't get that from me a lot. This says A LOT. You have bigger issues. You need to get a lot more practice at stating your wishes, standing up for yourself and saying no.

ttcissoboring · 03/09/2021 08:27

YANBU and why would you want a dog around at a kids party? What is the kids are scared of dogs - I don't actually think it's appropriate at all to assume everyone likes dogs and doesn't mind them around especially children.

Selttan · 03/09/2021 08:29

YANBU I love dogs but who the fuck are these people who can't leave their dogs at home????

I wish I could take my cats with me everywhere but I don't.

lottiegarbanzo · 03/09/2021 10:09

You say you've said no but that you don't want to have to say no directly to the brother. So you've said no to your DP. Are you sure he's passed on the message?

It may be worth a short, friendly but definite text on your part, just to give you peace of mind that he's received the message.

Incidentally, you say you hate hurting people's feelings. Your DP doesn't mind hurting yours, creating unnecessary stress for you and 'making you feel terrible' does he? In fact he is making you feel terrible deliberately.

He's not as nice as you OP. He's not nice to you either. In fact he's not very nice at all, is he.

Creating uncertainty and chaos in other people's lives is a form of control. It prevents them from focusing on the things that are important to them, or having the focus and energy needed to monitor and enforce their own needs, wants and boundaries. It keeps their attention on the person creating the chaos.

Maverickess · 03/09/2021 10:20

YANBU

I love my dog and she comes with me whenever it's possible, but I wouldn't expect, or want, to take her to a child's party because it's not an ideal environment for any dog, especially when the host has taken their own dog out of the equation for that reason!

lottiegarbanzo · 03/09/2021 10:29

And just to mention, the only 'feelings being hurt' here are your DPs. He's upset because you're not doing as you're told, by him.

There is no suggestion in what you've written that his DB is upset, or even bothered one way or another, whether he can bring the dog. Why would he have strong feelings, become emotional, about that, when he has somewhere else the dog can go? Is he weirdly emotionally incontinent generally? Have you observed this for yourself?

Surely to him it's just a simple practical arrangement, one way or the other. He just needs to know yes or no, so he can get on with it.

The only person 'getting upset' here is the messenger, your DP.

He wants to be the big man who can invite whoever he likes to your event, play host to his guests, at your party. Because he's more important than you and your DCs, so his wants have to come first, every time, whatever the event. He's putting his want, for status, far ahead of your wants, your DCs' needs and their guests' needs.

Text the brother. Take away your DPs power to control this situation. It's likely the brother will be fine but your DP will tell you he was upset. If the brother does get upset or angry with you, you'll know they're two apples who've fallen not far from the same dysfunctional family tree.

lottiegarbanzo · 03/09/2021 10:33

Simply put, your DP doesn't want to say no to his brother. Doing so makes him feel small.

Giving the impression that someone else, you, has the power to tell him what he can and can't do, makes him feel small.

You'd be doing him a favour by contacting the brother direct.

PieceOfString · 03/09/2021 11:26

Great Post lottiegarbanzo

AlCalavicci · 03/09/2021 11:56

As I and every other PP has said YADNBU to tell him no the dog can not come ,

I also think it's really unfair on your dog , he gets to go to a new place play but comes back to find his home has been invaded by another dog = one unhappy pooch .

Myusernameisunique · 06/09/2021 08:09

Dog didn't come. I stuck to my guns. Bil wasn't upset in the slightest. DP on the other hand.... not so much upset about the dog but just a horrible weekend with him. I'm taking heed of what everyone had said here and rethinking a lot of things. Thanks for everyone's unanimous advice re the dog though. Helped me to keep my head together and understand I wasn't in the wrong at all so I could stick to what I had said. My DDog had an amazing time away and has basically slept since he came home! Party was a total success too. DC was so happy and all the other kiddies had great fun. I was really pleased with how it all turned out.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 06/09/2021 08:13

Glad it went well.

Sounds like you need to say 'no' to your DP more often... and if he can't handle that, he's not the person you thought he was.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 06/09/2021 08:14

He didn’t like you told him no. That’s not what you’re supposed to do. Big red flags

lottiegarbanzo · 06/09/2021 10:21

Oh well done OP! So pleased you held your ground and that the party went well.

It is so lovely to read about someone who was able to use the power of MN to good - and to come back happy about it too. (There are far too many depressing stories on here, where people are just so, so stuck and can't or won't drag themselves out of horrible situations).

Cheers to you and your five year-old! Cake Brew

Magenta82 · 06/09/2021 12:14

That is great news, we'll done for sticking to your guns. I hope the situation with your DP gets resolved.

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 06/09/2021 12:55

Beware of the aftermath op
..
There will be some..
Festering away in a spoilt man child there usually is..
Ime.

seaandsandcastles · 06/09/2021 13:27

YANBU. It’s not a suitable place for a dog.

Peace43 · 06/09/2021 13:29

YADNB and I am a dog owner. I never expect my dog to be welcome in someone else's home and make specific arrangements for him if I need to do an activity that he can't come to and that takes too long for him to be left home alone. Your DP is being rude and silly. His brother most certainly shouldn't expect to be able to bring his dog!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page