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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Settle this for me please!

95 replies

Myusernameisunique · 02/09/2021 22:24

So no backstory or anything to this really but please can someone tell me if AIBU or if, as I think, I'm being fair enough.

I'm having a small party at home soon for DC's birthday, 4-8 year olds coming if that makes a difference. I have a Ddog who is a pest with food and things so have arranged and paid for them to be looked after for the day to save me stressing and poor Ddog ending up locked away somewhere. DP, who for context doesn't live with me and has no DC or anything, has asked me if his DB's dog can come along to the party. No backstory with in-laws or anything and usually I wouldn't have a problem. This is the first time DP's DB will be coming to my home. I've said no on this occasion as I've already arranged for my dog to be looked after for the day to alleviate the stress of them running about all the kids and stealing food and stuff. Both dogs are small breeds but still I'd just rather there was no stress. DP thinks AIBU to say no and should let DB bring the dog and he's fallen out with me a bit over it. There is somewhere the dog could go so it's not preventing him coming. DP's making me feel terrible. I'm not usually one to say no to things as I hate hurting peoples feelings so I feel extra bad! Am I in the wrong? Should I just let them bring the dog? It's my DCs first proper party with their own friends and things as well because of stupid Covid so I'm working extra hard on a tight budget to make it special. It's just taking the shine off it all a bit having this to worry about. DP suggested I message DB to say the dog can't come as well which I've said I'm not comfortable with and I feel like he's trying to make me feel guilty. I don't know DB that well, only exchanged the very odd couple of sentences a couple of times. So it would be strange for me to say anything I think and make me look a bit mean. Any advice/opinions welcome!

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 03/09/2021 00:11

WTF am I reading ... of course YANBU 😳

He sounds like a right Prick 🙄

TwinsandTrifle · 03/09/2021 00:13

Just how long is this party that the dog can't be left at home? Who tries to bring their dog to their brother's girlfriend's daughter's party??

I've never known anyone try and bring their dog to a child's birthday party. To try and bring their dog, specifically when the dog that usually resides in that household has been removed for the day?! How hard of thinking and ill mannered are these people?

LemonFantaGin · 03/09/2021 00:18

Send text to BIL

Hi BIL, DH wanted me to get in touch and let you know that on this occasion the party invite does not extend to the dog's, my own dogs are having a paid for dogcation, looking forward to seeing you and the children though. See you then, tara

Tell DP he's a nob 😁

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 03/09/2021 00:19

I'm actually more annoyed the more I think of it. Who does he think it is? Why is he trying to make you out to be some unreasonable and awkward bitch about this? Why can't he just text and say "ah shit DB, she has actually got rid of her own dog for the day to prevent any stolen food/bitings as she's going to have a bunch of kids there. Makes sense really!"

No, according to this jackass, you have to text the brother and explain yourself to him 🤨 it seems controlling but I can't put my finger on why I feel that way at this time of night 😳

TwinsandTrifle · 03/09/2021 00:26

I'd show him this thread. Where for the first time I can ever recall, every single person is unanimous in agreement about the scenario.

Then, he's got two choices. Pull his big boy pants up and tell his brother, who he's told can bring his dog without checking with you, that actually, the dog can't come.

Or, he can see that he's clearly in the wrong, and still try and make out that it's you being awkward. Which is a massive red flag in controlling behaviour.

It sounds very much like he's told DB he can do something and now can't stomach having to tell DB that actually, no, he can't, he's been overruled by a woman

Lifeisforalimitedperiodonly · 03/09/2021 00:42

How old are the brothers kids? Can’t he drop them off (after all their uncle - your DP - can watch them) and then he can go home and look after this own dog himself.

No to the dog.

TurnTowardsTheSun · 03/09/2021 00:46

Ridiculous. Obviously tell him no.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 03/09/2021 02:30

Why does he even want to bring the dog? Is it normal to take your dog to other people's houses?

ChargingBuck · 03/09/2021 02:40

DP thinks AIBU to say no and should let DB bring the dog and he's fallen out with me a bit over it. There is somewhere the dog could go so it's not preventing him coming. DP's making me feel terrible

WTF?

You've arranged daycare for your own dog, purely to facilitate this party, & he's kicking off because you don't want that undermined by a different dog being brought along?

It's not even his house. It's yours - stick to your guns. He has no right to make you feel terrible.

Does he often have difficulty hearing the word "no" from you OP?

ChargingBuck · 03/09/2021 02:47

Think it was more the fact I said no and he doesn't get that from me a lot.

Oh I see.
Then you really, really need to start saying NO to him a lot more OP.
And observe his reaction minutely, & decide if that's how you want to live.

And what is all this nonsense that YOU have to text the brother?
Your DP thinks he is the boss of you.

ChargingBuck · 03/09/2021 02:49

@jackstini

Just say there is an issue with some of the guests being allergic to dogs and you've arranged for your own dog to be away, definitely can't have any in the house

YANBU

FFS don't.

You have no need to lie.
You do, however, have a need to have your wishes respected, in your own home, & not to be made to feel "terrible" for it.

Magenta82 · 03/09/2021 02:59

@Myusernameisunique

Wow! That's overwhelming. I thought I was maybe being a bit, as DP put it, "awkward" as he really didn't seem to understand that it would be unfair on me to have another dog in the house after paying to have mine away from it! For context his DB is bringing his children to the party! I also wouldn't normally say no and would have the dog here no problem. It's just that mine won't even be here and I've paid for that! I totally agree as well with other posters wondering why some people think they can just bring their dogs to peoples houses or ask to bring them. I'd never put mine upon anyone and always have him looked after, even if he's invited! Mostly because he's a pest though. Thank you for all the replies. I just wish that DP had the same way of thinking as everyone else. Best of it is, he's not even an animal lover! Think it was more the fact I said no and he doesn't get that from me a lot.

Your last sentence really stood out for me and is a bit concerning. In any healthy relationship you need to be able to have boundaries and to be able to say no and have it accepted.

This is something that you may want to think about further in general, will he accept not getting his own way in other situations if he is being difficult when it comes to something he is not personally affected by?

Coyoacan · 03/09/2021 03:44

I would be very wary of this man, sorry but he sounds like a pushy twat who thinks you should do what he says in YOUR own home!

I don't like the sound of your dp and I'm glad you are not living with him.

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZZ · 03/09/2021 03:56

Yanbu

How long have you been together.
I'd be questioning if I wanted him at the party never mind dog.

twelvefiftynine · 03/09/2021 04:07

Be careful with this man op. He's trying to control what happens in your home.

Auroreforet · 03/09/2021 04:12

Tell dp to stay home and look after his db's dog.
He's not needed at the party.

StoppinBy · 03/09/2021 04:28

YANBU, dogs don't belong at kids parties at all in my opinion.

Kids are unpredictable, dogs are unpredictable. I always separate part of my yard off for our dogs even though I would die of shock if they bit a kid under any circumstances. It's one less thing to worry about.

I also would not feel comfortable with my 4 year old running around with a strange dog in such a chaotic environment and would feel a need to be 100% watching my 4 year old all the time.

Goneblank38 · 03/09/2021 04:34

Definitely not being unreasonable. Tbh if this is the way he behaves when you say no, I'd chuck him. He's being a manipulative prick.

1forAll74 · 03/09/2021 04:51

Would be a bad idea to have dogs at the party , so state your case, and you make the rules this time, never mind what others think.

DeathStare · 03/09/2021 05:13

I would be very wary of this man, sorry but he sounds like a pushy twat who thinks you should do what he says in YOUR own home! It doesn’t bode well for the future

This with bells on. Plus he tries to make out you are the unreasonable one when you don't do exactly what he wants - to the point where he makes you doubt yourself. Be very very wary OP. Red flags all over this one.

felulageller · 03/09/2021 05:22

Yes to red flags, this is coercive control which is domestic abuse.

gofg · 03/09/2021 05:28

YANBU - stick to your guns. It's your house, so you get to say. Also, why on earth would you send your own dog away for the day and yet let someone else bring theirs? Your DP is being a dick.

Balonzette · 03/09/2021 06:07

YANBU. I'd tell him not to come too.

canichange · 03/09/2021 06:17

You are completely not being unreasonable.

My young DCs are frightened of dogs since an overexcited young terrier jumped up at them and licked their faces. The dog wasn't being nasty, she was just excited, but she scratched them a little as she jumped up at them and now they're scared of all dogs.

We went to a party recently with the dog running around and my children spent the entire time scared. I don't know why the hosts didn't just shut her somewhere for the couple of hours the party was on.

Happylittlethoughts · 03/09/2021 06:42

YANBU
Pretty much stopped reading after "He has fallen out with me a bit..."
Feck that. Stop justifying . Just no and let him sulk. You move on . Good decisions on your part, sulky emotional blackmailer on his.