Traumatised by being smacked

[Babyparrotdog]

Sounds dramatic to some maybe but am I the only one who feels they are genuinely traumatised from being ‘smacked’ as a child? I feel so much worse about it since having my own child.

No, you're not the only one. I was smacked with a palm, but also with a light plastic cane that left a big welt. They usually hit in anger, and I vividly remember a couple of times when it was uncontrolled. They were generally good and affectionate parents, but when I was young I feared their anger.

I forgot about it and I even thought that when I became a parent, a little smack to reinforce something was dangerous was something I would do.

I felt completely different when I had my first baby. In the early days I must have had some post partum depression because they memories suddenly came flooding back and I spent hours through the night feeling angry at my parents. Years on I can't forget or forgive saved I have very limited contact. I suspect as grandparents the would not smack my child, but I won't take the risk and will never leave them alone together. I really see the damage that corporal punishment has done to me and I would never inflict that on any child.

I'd say to any parent who smacks their kids that you may think that it is harmless and controlled and doesn't hurt much, it's doing them good and they may still love you after. But you don't know what is really doing to them inside, or whether they will come to hate you for it in time. So at the very least if you can't have empathy for them, be selfish and don't risk your relationship with them.

I’m not saying they would be neither would they if they get sent to their room or get a talking to, all I’m saying is sometimes kids do deserve it 🤷‍♀️ And I hold no hard feelings

[quote TracyLords]@Feelingmardy I found the fact that someone pulled your pants down the worst of it all. I don’t remember it being that sore, it was more the humiliation and lack of bodily control. And I was terrified in case it happened in front of anyone[/quote]
I agree. The deliberate humiliation of your children does untold damage. I do remember it being very painful but that is what my parents wanted t achieve. I was sexually assaulted as a teen and I do actually blame my parents for that. Not just because we told my dad and he said 'don't be silly', but also because we have been taught that adults can do anything they want to your body - so neither of us did anything to try and stop it (which I expect the abuser decided to interpret as indicating that we were enjoying it).

@PumpkinKlNG

I’m not saying they would be neither would they if they get sent to their room or get a talking to, all I’m saying is sometimes kids do deserve it 🤷‍♀️ And I hold no hard feelings

No, they do not. Children do not ever deserve to be hit. Adults who think they do don't know how to parent.

All I’m saying is I can see why parents will hit out of anger and frustration and I certainly deserved it a few time’s being rude to my mum (I never stole or joined gangs etc that’s something my brother did)

Not the smacking necessarily, but the depantsing in public too smack, yes.

I actually think one quick smack to a misbehaving child who has already been warned is perfectly fair. But I think some parents go overboard and that can breed resentment.

I utterly disagree with you @PumpkinKING, no kid deserves to be hit. But those kids do deserve better parents.

Out of interest, those people saying they were not traumatised / think they deserved it - do you have children and did / do you hit them?

My mother was a woodenspooner. We would be sent to get it, ordered to take out trousers and knickers down, and then walloped. I still feel the hot blind impotent rage and humiliation, and the fantasies of beating her face to a pulp. That's an awful awful thing for an 8 year old to feel. Awful.

She had two favourite wooden spoons as she said hilariously to other fucking adults in our hearing that they left no mark.

It really troubled me after my son was that age, and I realised I had never laid a finger on him, no matter what, and never would.

I stole her fucking wooden spoon one Christmas, aged 40 and burned it on a friend's fire. Stealing both felt greedy but the next Christmas, I stole the other one, snapped it over my knee, and threw it into the Thames near Canary Wharf.

I am so glad I did it before she lost her marbles. Hearing her wondering querulously where her favourite wooden spoons had gone was so sweet.

And who are those better parents as literally no one is queuing up to adopt a 13 year old child who is in a gang who drinks and smokes and refuses to go to school 🤷‍♀️

Oh and before you say it it’s not just the “bad” parents whose kids go off the rails, it can happen to anyone.

I was smacked often, I remember one arm being held high and then smacked so hard I was lifted off the floor. Then when too big for that I was pinned to walls by my throat. It has stayed with me and effected me and how I parent. To be honest the shouting and full in face rage was just as bad.

What are you talking about @PumpkinKING?
Better parents are the ones who do not resort to hitting their kids!
Are you saying that hitting that abandoned 13 year old would be the way to stop them being drinking / being in a gang & make them go to school? Because if you are, that's REALLY fucked up!

@PumpkinKlNG

All I’m saying is I can see why parents will hit out of anger and frustration and I certainly deserved it a few time’s being rude to my mum (I never stole or joined gangs etc that’s something my brother did)

Yes, anger and frustration!

NOT because the child deserved it! Because the parents failed to be parents!

You started off by saying you deserved it, that kids deserve it, but now with a bit of pushing you come to it. It's the parents' failure. Smacking and hitting is always a parent's failure. It might have a context but it's never right. Your mother failed when she hit you. You didn't deserve it.

So please remember that next time you start to say that children deserve it, which by extension includes many people reading here. Because that's vastly different to what you've said here, which is correct: it's nothing more than a vent for the parents' anger and frustration.

And if you don't want your kids learning that when you're angry and frustrated, you hit, then learn some better coping tactics yourself. And stop the lie that the kids deserve it.

Anger and frustration, you got it. Shit parenting.

@PumpkinKlNG

And who are those better parents as literally no one is queuing up to adopt a 13 year old child who is in a gang who drinks and smokes and refuses to go to school 🤷‍♀️

The halfway decent parents will ask how a 13 year old came to be in that situation to start with, and the answer is most unlikely to be "wasn't hit enough by his wonderful parents".

No one is saying that 🙄 I’m simply saying I can understand why some parents hit out of frustration, anger when you’ve tried every last thing and it’s a last resort etc, I can’t get worked up about it and no I don’t feel traumatised and can understand why/how it happens and I don’t think it makes someone a terrible parent

I still think I deserved it so we can agree to disagree!

PumpkinKING if you have children, do you hit them out of frustration and anger?

I never said I hit mine, just because someone understands/doesn’t feel traumatised by
It doesn’t mean they do the same thing. You can’t force me to feel traumatised, I was rarely hit and when I was it was only because my mum had been pushed to her limits.

Hitting out of frustration and anger is not a last resort. It is an adult losing control of themselves and lashing out at a smaller (usually) and more vulnerable person. It will not solve the problem but it will make the relationships in which problems can be solved worse. I think it is dangerous to say that children deserve it as given no evidence of positive impact and plenty of evidence of harmful impact, all this means is "it won't actually change their behaviour but as they've pissed me off, I feel justified in hurting and humiliating them". I guess, by the same token, if the adult child is looking after their parent in their dotage, they would be perfectly justified to hit their parent if they're annoying?

This thread is really, really sad to read. Also awful to see the posters saying things like 'I was hit but it was fine, I'm sure I deserved it'. No child 'deserves' to be hit ever.

I can't wait for the day so called smacking (ie: abuse) is banned in this country.

It’s funny there was a thread on here a few weeks ago where a mum hit her toddler because the toddler threw something at her and the majority of the posters were telling her it was totally understandable and even a normal reaction! I was one of the lone voices saying Erm actually no it isn’t! But apparently she was a good parent 🤷‍♀️ Mn at it’s finest

I certainly didn't see that thread, and I would have said the same thing on it as I'm saying now - there is ever a reason that would excuse hitting children out of frustration / anger.
Spouses cannot hit each other if they're angry or frustrated and for very good reason so there's no way it's ok for an adult to hit a child. Ever.

*never not ever

As children we were smacked in the legs or bottom, and I remember when I was about 14, my mum threatened to smack me and I said ‘if you do I’ll hit you back’, she seemed very offended saying ‘what you’d hit your own mother? How terrible of you’ etc etc. The irony was completely lost on her but not on me.

Well plenty did comment on the thread, in support of the mum so there you go. I don’t smack mine but I understand smacking was more socially acceptable back when I was young and also my culture smacking is normal and most people I know where smacked growing up.