Traumatised by being smacked

[Babyparrotdog]

Sounds dramatic to some maybe but am I the only one who feels they are genuinely traumatised from being ‘smacked’ as a child? I feel so much worse about it since having my own child.

I don't particularly talk to my mum.

In the past, I've told her that, if she ever wants me to look after her, can I dish out the same treatment she gave my other siblings? She 'cried' and set the 'good' siblings against me, and told me that I was evil. Nah, not evil, just honest.

The problem people have is having to admit that their parents are abusive and that they were, in fact, good kids. And the problem was that the adults could not manage their emotions and had no boundaries.

It's easier for our child-self to take the blame, as it lets them off the hook.

It took me a long, long time to admit the depravity of my parents' ways. But I was always in turmoil and unsure why. I always felt slightly uneasy around them and the 'good' siblings.

I always thought I was this unlovable person.

I struggled because the truth did not align with my (subconscious) wish; that my parents really did love us.

Did they f*ck!

Thy did it for the money! (we were fostered).

Really depressing to read the odd 'I deserved it' comment.

No one deserves to be abused at the hands of anyone - let alone a parent.

I can't imagine any possible scenario where I would ever even think about hitting one of my children.

I agree, Tertius. I've also at times heard people say, "I used to be hit and it did me no harm". Sometimes it is obvious that it did!

@Plumtree391

I agree, Tertius. I've also at times heard people say, "I used to be hit and it did me no harm". Sometimes it is obvious that it did!

Plus, ‘did me no harm’ is such a low bar for parenting. I don’t want my kids to say my parenting didn’t harm them, I want them to say my parenting elevated them, taught them, shaped them. Just the absence of trauma and harm is a low point to aim for.

Plus, ‘did me no harm’ is such a low bar for parenting.

Yes.

@MissyB1

If anyone has any advice about how to come to terms with this or move forward from it, please tell me. I can never talk about it in real life (even to Dh), I feel too ashamed/ embarrassed, and would find it too upsetting. I don’t know why I should be ashamed, I was a defenceless child but that’s how I feel. So how do I deal with it?

I felt exactly the same for years - then one day my then 4 YO DS was screaming and screaming and screaming. I was alone in the house and I felt my anger bubbling up. I knew if I stayed in the same room as him I was in danger of really hurting him so I shut the door on him - as he kicked it and kicked it. It took all my willpower not to turn around wallop him hard. I walked downstairs and sat on the sofa and howled. As I started to calm down, I sort of realised I had broken the mould. I had done the correct thing for my child’s safety. In my head I heard my mother’s voice saying , “A good hard clump and he won’t do it again!” That would have been her way of dealing with him. I actually felt proud that I wasn’t her and that would have been totally the wrong way to handle him. I knew then that I was a far better parent than she had ever been.

My DS and DD are young adults now and we genuinely have great relationships. My mother was ultimately the loser because I never ever forgave her for her ‘discipline’ - the iron fist in the velvet glove, she used to call it. Except I think she never used the velvet glove! My two always tell me they have very positive memories of their childhood and that is massive to me. We weren’t the perfect family, I didn’t always handle things well and I definitely made mistakes, but if you’re like me, take comfort in the fact that your children won’t grow up living in fear and know what real love is.

My mother used to tell me when I was a child that the reason I got smacked is because she loved me! That parents who didn’t hit their children was because they weren’t interested in them.
How sick is that?

My mother used to tell me when I was a child that the reason I got smacked is because she loved me! That parents who didn’t hit their children was because they weren’t interested in them.

My parents told me the same thing...

I was beaten every day, just when ever my mother felt like it. It's taken decades for me to feel that I didn't deserve to be treated that way, and I know that i possibly give off some sort of vibe that attracts other abusers. Hence I'm mostly alone and avoid people who want to get close to me fast. I have children of my own, and I can not understand how she could do,that to her own child. It was worse when my children were small, but I've since had to accept that she was an abuser, and to realise that I am better than her

My mum hit me very rarely. Maybe three times throughout my childhood. Dad (they were divorced when I was a baby) never did. From what I can remember this was a rarity in the 80's. I don't feel anger or resentment though

In fact one of the worst was when she kept me off school and held a knife to my throat, and then to her own and said that one of us has to die. I was eight years old. At this hat moment I thought it through with a cold and clear mind, I wasn't afraid, and I had no emotional reaction. I must have been used to her mental illness by then, because that's what I believe it was. Nothing else can explain it. She hated me more after that, because I told her to slit her own throat because I wanted to live my life.

I remember being smacked but no, it didn't traumatise me. When I was about 8, I was quite rude to my Grandma who had made a dress for my doll. I said it was horrible, refused to put it on her and had quite a tantrum. While I don't think anyone should ever smack a child, I don't think in this case it was undeserved. In actual fact it was a really lovely dress and she had taken weeks to make it. She was a skilled tailoress and I learnt years later that she had used part of my christening gown to make it. I used to talk shit when I was young - I don't know why. My mum used to call me 'Contrary Mary'. I'm still like that today sometimes . My Grandma was my best friend and we were inseparable. I still feel bad about it 50 years later and I wish I could tell her I'm sorry

I do still have the dress up in the loft somewhere.

@notangelinajolie

I remember being smacked but no, it didn't traumatise me. When I was about 8, I was quite rude to my Grandma who had made a dress for my doll. I said it was horrible, refused to put it on her and had quite a tantrum. While I don't think anyone should ever smack a child, I don't think in this case it was undeserved. In actual fact it was a really lovely dress and she had taken weeks to make it. She was a skilled tailoress and I learnt years later that she had used part of my christening gown to make it. I used to talk shit when I was young - I don't know why. My mum used to call me 'Contrary Mary'. I'm still like that today sometimes . My Grandma was my best friend and we were inseparable. I still feel bad about it 50 years later and I wish I could tell her I'm sorry I do still have the dress up in the loft somewhere.

What?? You were 8 years old ffs. You didn't deserve to be physically assaulted because you dared not to like a dress that someone made for your doll.

Children cannot be expected to behave like adults. That's the whole point. Children should be allowed to be children and to struggle with certain concepts and not be emotionally mature without being punished and abused for it.

A lot of what was passed off as smacking was awful. Being kicked, attacked with a belt or cord, having clothing removed and having purple bruising days later would be traumatic and not a funny memory.
People who were given only taps or slaps on the legs seem to mostly laugh about it later.
Part of the danger of corporal punishment must be the temptation to hit harder when the little taps stop 'working'. Then you're on the slippery slope to beatings with the iron cord in order to keep the fear alive.
I think I had the odd smack but my parents preferred stern lectures once we were old enough. The intent was for us to 'understand' so we could make better decisions.

@notangelinajolie

I remember being smacked but no, it didn't traumatise me. When I was about 8, I was quite rude to my Grandma who had made a dress for my doll. I said it was horrible, refused to put it on her and had quite a tantrum. While I don't think anyone should ever smack a child, I don't think in this case it was undeserved. In actual fact it was a really lovely dress and she had taken weeks to make it. She was a skilled tailoress and I learnt years later that she had used part of my christening gown to make it. I used to talk shit when I was young - I don't know why. My mum used to call me 'Contrary Mary'. I'm still like that today sometimes . My Grandma was my best friend and we were inseparable. I still feel bad about it 50 years later and I wish I could tell her I'm sorry I do still have the dress up in the loft somewhere.

It's a shame your parents didn't explain this to you at the time, managed the situation once it had cooled off and help you understand that you had made a mistake (your 8 year old behaviour), how your grandma had worked hard to give a gift she hoped you would like and help you apologise and accept forgiveness for being 8 years old and not have feelings of shame 50 years later. There could have been some lovely lessons about gracefully accepting gifts we're not keen on and that it's the thought that counts and how to apologise when we are wrong which we all are sometimes. Instead they were so embarrassed by your behaviour they struck out because they had no idea how to manage their own embarrassed feelings.

I was regularly smacked as a child and while I don’t remember it, my mum admitted to losing it with me when I pooed myself as a toddler and really smacking me. I suspect I surpressed the memory but I actually had issues with constipation and fear of going to the toilet for years to the point I had to have counselling and hypnotherapy as an adult. So yes I was traumatised from being smacked.

Hi. I’ve already commented on this thread but I thought I’d just add a bit more. I’m 40 years old, I have 2dc, one of whom is autistic. I was diagnosed with adhd myself last year and going through the process of assessment basically forced me to reflect on my life especially my childhood. I found it sole destroying as all of these memories, that I’d pushed to the back of my mind for years came flooding back. The psychiatrist agreed that I ticked all the boxes for adhd although a milder form (his words) but I know that a lot of my difficulties don’t just stem from going undiagnosed all these years, they stem from my childhood. Then all of a sudden these feelings of anger and resentment for my parents crept in and I found myself having to work really hard to not just blurt it all out to them. There is absolutely no point, no point at all in speaking to them about my childhood as it’s like it never happened, at least to them. My df hit my dm on and off for years and hearing that, plus being “smacked” myself has caused me damaged mentally.

Like I said, my dc is autistic. He at times, has explosive behaviour, and although I deal with it and we have strategies in place to help him cope with feelings of frustration, the fact I was hit as a child means that when my ds acts out it kind of triggers me and get incredibly anxious. But I have never, and would never lay a finger on him. I might be feeling frustrated and anxious inside when my ds has meltdowns but it’s my responsibility to remain as calm (outwardly) as I can and not lose my temper. I admit I was a difficult child. I had odd behaviours, I was impulsive, did stupid things, had a right potty mouth etc but I didn’t deserve to be treated the way I was. I like to think I’ve grown up to be a decent person but that isn’t because my parents kept me in line, it’s because I wanted to be a good person and a good mum. I’m far from a perfect parent,I’ve made mistakes, but I try my best and my dc are good kids so I can’t be doing that bad.

@notangelinajolie

I remember being smacked but no, it didn't traumatise me. When I was about 8, I was quite rude to my Grandma who had made a dress for my doll. I said it was horrible, refused to put it on her and had quite a tantrum. While I don't think anyone should ever smack a child, I don't think in this case it was undeserved. In actual fact it was a really lovely dress and she had taken weeks to make it. She was a skilled tailoress and I learnt years later that she had used part of my christening gown to make it. I used to talk shit when I was young - I don't know why. My mum used to call me 'Contrary Mary'. I'm still like that today sometimes . My Grandma was my best friend and we were inseparable. I still feel bad about it 50 years later and I wish I could tell her I'm sorry I do still have the dress up in the loft somewhere.

You deserved to be corrected, not hit! What was hitting you going to teach you that a serious explanation didn't?

All these posters who think they deserved to be hit for being children and not adults!

I was smacked very infrequently as a child, usually in dangerous situations where my parents felt that a sharp shock would teach me not to do that again. I was only ever smacked with the palm of a hand, on the back of the legs or bum, and I dont remember ever having clothing removed. So much milder than many of the experiences recounted in this thread.

I don't feel especially traumatised by it, or resentful of my parents for doing it. It is definitely not something I would ever do with my own children, however. I think it models behaviour that you are trying to teach children is unacceptable, and there are more effective ways to communicate with them that don't involve a dynamic of fear and pain.

@peoniesandpastels

I was smacked very infrequently as a child, usually in dangerous situations where my parents felt that a sharp shock would teach me not to do that again. I was only ever smacked with the palm of a hand, on the back of the legs or bum, and I dont remember ever having clothing removed. So much milder than many of the experiences recounted in this thread.

I don't feel especially traumatised by it, or resentful of my parents for doing it. It is definitely not something I would ever do with my own children, however. I think it models behaviour that you are trying to teach children is unacceptable, and there are more effective ways to communicate with them that don't involve a dynamic of fear and pain.

I feel exactly the same. I wouldn’t snack my children as they attack each other regularly and I’ll look bloody ridiculous reprimanding them for hitting, whilst hitting them.

@notangelinajolie

I remember being smacked but no, it didn't traumatise me. When I was about 8, I was quite rude to my Grandma who had made a dress for my doll. I said it was horrible, refused to put it on her and had quite a tantrum. While I don't think anyone should ever smack a child, I don't think in this case it was undeserved. In actual fact it was a really lovely dress and she had taken weeks to make it. She was a skilled tailoress and I learnt years later that she had used part of my christening gown to make it. I used to talk shit when I was young - I don't know why. My mum used to call me 'Contrary Mary'. I'm still like that today sometimes . My Grandma was my best friend and we were inseparable. I still feel bad about it 50 years later and I wish I could tell her I'm sorry I do still have the dress up in the loft somewhere.

You think your lovely grandma would feel better that you were physically assaulted because for some inexplicable reason you were rude - the beating didn’t seem to fix that aspect of your behaviour either. Did someone ask you about why you felt the need to be rude - what was driving those emotions, did anyone try to help you understand the warning signs of when you were about to be rude and help you develop coping mechanisms? Did they just thump you and hope the pain they inflicted would be a stronger fear than the other emotions they hadn’t help you explore and that trauma would make you stop. Or did they just lash out in revenge because they were embarrassed?

@MiaAnnabell3

My partner's family also all hit their kids. My partner wouldn't dream of it. His sister told us proudly how her toddler had been playing up so she held her hands above her head and smacked her all over And his family laughed. And they wonder why my children have never been alone with any of them.

This sounds revolting.

Please could you/your Oh report her... This is EXACTLY the type of social services would take very seriously

I commented earlier, but reading back there seems to be a clear divide between those people who received a tap for something they knew was naughty and their don't feel traumatised.
Then there are those people who received far more than that along with verbal abuse, yelling etc etc and no clear reason as to why they were receiving that punishment. These seem to be majoritly the people who feel traumatised.
I guess it comes down to the definition of smacking and how close that gets to beating!

I guess it comes down to the definition of smacking and how close that gets to beating!

No, hitting your children is a spectrum of shit. It's always bad parenting. Some forms of it fall further to one end of the spectrum, but it's always shit parenting.

I guess it comes down to the definition of smacking and how close that gets to beating! NO! Smacking is abuse it's a spectrum and it is never ok - it is always an failure of the adult's to deal with a situation appropriately. A child who is not behaving in a way you approve of does not deserve to be assaulted.

@naptimenow @DrSbaitso I couldn't agree more. What I was trying to say (badly) is that those who feel traumatised seem to have received more than a tap on the hand or leg.
I was one of those who was beaten, I do feel traumatised by it and I have always talked to my son rather than hit him with the exception of a tap on his leg when he ran out in traffic. I felt and still do guilt because of it, but I did apologise to him at the time and went on to explain why I had reacted how I did. There is no excuse for hitting anyone and I struggled because that was the only thing I knew, but I was determined not to be the same as my mum.