Traumatised by being smacked

[Babyparrotdog]

Sounds dramatic to some maybe but am I the only one who feels they are genuinely traumatised from being ‘smacked’ as a child? I feel so much worse about it since having my own child.

YANBU - hitting a child is abusive. It was then and it is now.

Maybe you could look into some counselling?

I remember forcing myself not to cry after being smacked. Which would make my mother hit me again. And again. And again. My father stopped her in the end.

What the F is wrong with these freak parents?

And, I'm sorry, I don't buy the "we knew no better" as said from my mum. The love I have for my children makes me want to protect them, not hurt them. I have four children, three now who are in their 20s. They drove me absolutely batty, at times. They were sometimes a nightmare. But that never made me want to strike them. I just couldn't. I also realised that I couldn't misplace my anger on to them, if I was having a bad day.

I wasn’t really smacked, I know it happened a handful of times from parents or grandparents but it was the lightest of taps with a hand and it hasn’t really registered in my consciousness. My mum was occasionally subject to a wooden spoon and in my dad’s family there was a metal spoon which my uncle buried in the garden! It sounds like what you mention is much much more abusive.

Beating children up has never been OK, my great gran almost got herself in harm’s way after she saw someone in a shop hitting their child in the 1980s and at 5’ nothing in stilettos just went up and gave them a piece of her mind. My mum has always been very proud of her for that, she’d take on anyone she thought was being cruel to kids

I would like to point out that there was a lot of pressure on parents back then to keep their children in line. Particularly in churches, the background I grew up in. It was considered right for parents to maintain discipline within families and corporal punishment was actively encouraged to this end. It wasn’t right, but it’s the way things were. Parents were very much judged if children misbehaved.

I do think my parents took that way too far, even in a church background, and my DM admits that they were wrong, as I’ve said. But at the time my DM considered it part of their role in bringing us up. They were both disciplined that way as children, which also played a part, I think.

I only mention my DM there; obviously my F was a different matter.

I actually think that a lot of shit parenting is our parents using us as a dumping ground for their unresolved issues.

My dad was a terrible father. He literally had no idea how to parent at all and would smack me because he didn't want me to ask questions he didn't know how to answer.

Even at school, the 'discipline' was shit. I remember teachers dragging students by the arms, shoving them. I remember the head teacher saying to numerous boys 'your head is going to go that way and your body the other.' I remember children getting smacked.

This was the 80s

However, more often than not, people who have been at the end of their parents' anger, feel traumatised.

See, there’s the thing though. Our parents never hit us because they were angry. They never hit us when angry. It more so seemed a chore to hit us, something they believed they had to do as a means of behaviour modification for our own good to make us better people. I truly believe their generation was brought up to believe that if you didn’t do this then children would turn into adult delinquents. No loving parent wanted that for their kids!

Any punishment we were dealt was never at the time out of anger, it was always at another time when household chores/tasks at hand were finished. They were in no way abusive. I believe that’s very different to what certain other posters describe.

And no, siblings and I don’t use humour due to some suppressed trauma. It’s because many of the things we did at the time that involved punishment were genuinely hilarious.

Parents were very much judged if children misbehaved.

Exactly, and double edged. Judged that they were not in control of their kids, and judged that they were failing their kids. It was seen as a parental job just like feeding kids nutritious food, clothing them correctly and taking them to Dr when unwell. I know my parents definitely saw it as a parenting chore, it was not something that they enjoyed or excited them, probably pretty much on par with dealing with nits or having to go to soft play in the modern day context.

@HoppingPavlova

However, more often than not, people who have been at the end of their parents' anger, feel traumatised.

See, there’s the thing though. Our parents never hit us because they were angry. They never hit us when angry. It more so seemed a chore to hit us, something they believed they had to do as a means of behaviour modification for our own good to make us better people. I truly believe their generation was brought up to believe that if you didn’t do this then children would turn into adult delinquents. No loving parent wanted that for their kids!

Any punishment we were dealt was never at the time out of anger, it was always at another time when household chores/tasks at hand were finished. They were in no way abusive. I believe that’s very different to what certain other posters describe.

And no, siblings and I don’t use humour due to some suppressed trauma. It’s because many of the things we did at the time that involved punishment were genuinely hilarious.

The situation you’re talking about though - one parent hitting a child with a wooden implement until it breaks, followed by another parent hitting them with an implement for laughing at the first one breaking - is objectively really not funny. It’s poor parenting. And if anything, I would say it’s worse that they ‘waited until household chores were done’ so therefore had time to think about what they were going to do and then still hit their child.

Obviously you don’t feel traumatised by it and that’s fine, but I would say it is abusive behaviour and certainly wouldn’t be acceptable nowadays when we know better.

@HoppingPavlova
You feel how you feel. But take yourself out of the situation. Imagine seeing a child being beaten so hard with a spoon it broke and then beaten with a strap, would you find it funny?

My mother used to regularly smack me and when I look back as an adult, the ‘crimes’ I had committed to deserve the punishment were pretty standard normal child behaviour. I was supposed to have known what I had done wrong - I genuinely didn’t and if I asked why, I got another smack for answering back or having a bad attitude.

Her particular favourite was shillelagh which was an Irish blackthorn walking stick which was quite knobbly and consequently resulted in some pretty impressive bruising. I’m sure nowadays a school would raise concerns over my injuries but back then, no one even questioned it.

Again, it wasn’t until I grew up that I realised my mother’s form of discipline wasn’t normal and was clearly abuse. She always denied it when I spoke to her woman to woman and said she rarely hit me and I must have imagined all the incidents! Not justifying her in anyway - and I never left my children in her care for this reason - but I think violence was ‘normal’ in her upbringing and most of the times I was hit by her was not because I deserved it but more that SHE had lost control of her own anger.

I was an only child so her focus was entirely on my behaviour. I don’t think she could have coped with more than one child so I rather bore the brunt of her issues. Our adult relationship until her death was bizarre. I never entirely forgave her for my treatment (is that really wicked?) and kept her at arms length although she always told others we had a very strong mother/daughter bond and was believed!

I never grieved over her death last year either. Maybe I’m a heartless bitch, but my childhood memories were always taunted by her cruelty.

YANBU

My mum used to chase us around the house and smack us repeatedly for the smallest of things. It was definitely just her unleashing her anger or frustration. Afterwards she would say things like "I never thought I would hit my own child but I never knew a child could be so selfish/disobedient/bla bla bla." Never took any responsibility and never apologised, just always doubled-down on why it was our fault. There was a rhyme she would say before she hit us. She said to me a few years ago grinning and laughing "Remember that rhyme I used to sing when you had been naughty?" I looked at her square in the eye and said "Aren't you ashamed of yourself? I just can't believe you expect me to look back on that fondly." She still just tries to pass it off as a sign of the times. It wasn't. It was the 90s and none of my friends were being hit with wooden spoons and spatulas. I get along with her okay but I know deep down she is a nasty piece of work. f

And no, siblings and I don’t use humour due to some suppressed trauma

Well then, maybe you can explain what's inherently funny about beating children until your implement of choice breaks, and the children subsequently being beaten with something else that causes week-long injuries?

There was a rhyme she would say before she hit us.

What the flippety flappity fuck.

When I was 16 I remember my dad hitting me across the face so hard he left a mark - that I had to continually lie about. He died a few months back - people kept telling me what a gentleman he was. Again I lied on his behalf.

Yes and I remember the fear always being there. It was very inconsistent and I never knew when it was going to happen. I have never raised a hand to my DC and never would and they are very well behaved and also happy and loved.

I actually think that a lot of shit parenting is our parents using us as a dumping ground for their unresolved issues.

I think you're right.

I find the rule about not leaving a mark really strange.
How does it work? My family are extremely pale and anything more than a touch is a mark.

How does it work with darker skinned people?
Does this mean people with darker skin can be hit harder before it's not allowed?
Genuinely bewildered by this rule.

They were in no way abusive. I believe that’s very different to what certain other posters describe.

And no, siblings and I don’t use humour due to some suppressed trauma. It’s because many of the things we did at the time that involved punishment were genuinely hilarious.

Of course they were abusive. They may have thought they were doing the right thing but that doesn't mean either that they were or that they should be absolved of responsibility.

There was a rhyme she would say before she hit us.

What the actual fuck? What the hell was that?

@DrSbaitso

I actually think that a lot of shit parenting is our parents using us as a dumping ground for their unresolved issues.

I think you're right.

I think the same.

You are definitely not alone. There is no reason to hit anyone, and every argument used to justify smacking has been used in the past to justify wife beating.

I hate my mother, and the fact she is someone who felt justified in hitting children is a huge reflection on her character. As it is of anyone who feels justified in hitting children.

I always knew I would parent my child differently.

There are all these taboos about people picking on others smaller than themselves, but for children, that goes out of the window. It shouldn't.

If hitting is the only way you can discipline, you need help. And the same applies if you believe you were not traumatised by being hit by a person who said they loved you.

It's the difference between 'normal' and 'healthy' - most of MN does not see that distinction.

Just because it was the norm, doesn't make it normal.

Even at five years old, I remember my sister being severely beaten. It will haunt me forever. So, if I knew it was wrong then, there really isn't any excuse.

Like I said, there's something inside of me that would not let me harm my children, it was not a social conscience and I didn't necessarily know better. Something inside me would not let me. It's called a conscience.

If anyone has any advice about how to come to terms with this or move forward from it, please tell me. I can never talk about it in real life (even to Dh), I feel too ashamed/ embarrassed, and would find it too upsetting. I don’t know why I should be ashamed, I was a defenceless child but that’s how I feel.
So how do I deal with it?