To tell my manager he is causing me a lot of stress

[Candylovesss]

Hi all,

Just want opinions really on if I'm being a bit precious or if my manager is being a bit much.

I am 28 weeks pregnant. On the whole have been okay, suffered bad sickness until 15 weeks but as working from home never took any time off sick. Haven't had any time off at all in fact during this pregnancy. Stating this now just to show I haven't not pulled my weight.

Anyway, I have found in the last couple of months my manager has been really quite chaotic. It started with asking me to cover multiple people at once at very short notice (literally either the same morning or an email sent the evening before, for me to open the following morning) which has been impossible at some points as the sheer volume of work was just not feasible.

Sometimes, I had never done these people's work before and his response was to just follow the work notes. He never offers to cover himself though or help out with workload.

He is randomly popping up on skype asking me to train new people at the last minute too. If I reply saying I am sorry I am covering people who are off that you have asked me to do he says can you not just show them a bit of that - so he effectively wants me to train on work I have not actually done before and already feel a bit unsure on myself.

He hasn't checked in once to see how I am doing throughout the pregnancy or to ask if I am managing. Someone left whilst I was on annual leave a couple of months ago and he gave me their work - I only know I was given it thanks to another colleague, to this day he has still not told me lol.

Yesterday was the worst one so far. I had some bleeding (still ongoing, looks okay but they can't say where it's coming from) and I had to go to hospital to be checked. The first thing he said when I told him was have you done all the work you needed to do today. I said yes but I really need to head to hospital now.

When I was at the hospital he sent me an email asking me to pick up some urgent work he had been emailed about. I was in hospital having observations done at this point and reminded him where I was. His response was to completely ignore me.

He has also been guilt tripping me in the last month or so. One woman put in a last minute request for annual leave the day before the event and he emailed me asking to cover. I said I couldn't as I was only on a half day that day myself and also had a midwife appointment so wouldn't have time to complete theirs plus my own. He then asked if I could just have my half day another day instead as this other woman was talking about cancelling her annual leave and he didn't want her to feel upset.....

This happened again last week. Asking me to cover with no notice and then guilt tripped me when I said I was already covering 2 other people plus my own work. He said I am struggling to find cover with a sad face at the end.

I really don't know how to handle this - is it enough for me to request a meeting with him and bring it up? I am finding it all really stressful, especially now with this bleeding etc. I just feel like he isn't managing very well?

Write a to do list on Trello or similar software. Every time he asks you to do something screenshot the list and send it to him asking him how high it needs to be prioritised and what deadlines he can afford to let slip and by how long. Seeing it in black and white might help him appreciate what you do. If that doesn’t work you need to push back. That’s clearly what everyone else is doing and why you get stuck with they work.

Fuck your manager.

Are you and baby okay, OP?

Firstly, why are you even looking at emails while in hospital? You aren't doing yourself any favours by being constantly available to him. You need to push back, don't feel guitly.

@MerryHellbreakingloose

Fuck your manager.

Are you and baby okay, OP?

haha thanks.

they couldnt tell where the bleeding was coming from but cervix was closed and the tests they do for waters etc. came back negative.

I am still having it this morning but I'm trying to remain calm about it and tell myself they would of seen yesterday if there was anything untoward going on and to just monitor it to make sure it doesnt get worse I guess.

@LadyDanburysHat

Firstly, why are you even looking at emails while in hospital? You aren't doing yourself any favours by being constantly available to him. You need to push back, don't feel guitly.

I get notifications for it. almost like on facebook when someone messages you and it pops up so if I have a work email/Skype it will be on the screen when I go on my phone.

Is there a way you can disable work email notifications when you are not working? Or remove them from your personal phone completely.

@Candylovesss

I am just really quite surprised because he has always been okay in the past so part of me thinks is it because of the pregnancy? Almost like he wants to make the most of me being here until I leave.

Writing everything down is a good idea. I didn't really think about it too much until yesterday when he emailed me whilst I was at the hospital and I started thinking about the last few months. It made me realise how nervous I get everyday logging on to work as I never know what he might of added to my plate that day.

I read this and got a big red flag - if you're feeling nervous as you log on every day, you need to nip it in the bud. I didn't, and I ended up signed off and medicated. You need to take care, especially being pregnant.

As others have said, everything in writing, and yes, you need to sit down with him (or HR) and make it very clear that you are overwhelmed through no fault of your own. And take minutes of those meetings.

Good luck!

@Candylovesss you’ve had some excellent advice from pp in this thread. I want to tell you it’s ok to say ‘no, I’m too busy’ or ‘no, that isn’t possible’ even to a sad face emoji (I don’t have the words to tell you what I think about that!). Give yourself permission to refuse any extra work. It’s not your problem they are short of staff and the business won’t collapse if you stick to doing your job and nothing more. You need to start being less helpful and make sure you look after yourself for the rest of your pregnancy.

This idiot couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery.
He has NO time or management skills and is relying on you to say yes every time, so he keeps coming back to you as he knows he can guilt you into doing whatever work needs doing.
Have you got a contract that outlines your work?

You need to get in touch with his manager (if he has one) or HR to sort this buffoon out.
Have a word with your GP or midwife to arrange a fit note stating something like “no last minute changes to work” and make sure they state work-related stress as this is what he’s causing you.
If he carries on like this, he will be emailing you while you’re giving birth!
I hope it all works out for you and your baby xx

Switch your phone off (not just on silent) while you are in hospital. Nothing is more urgent than you and your baby being ok.

Turn off work notifications when you're not at work on annual leave/weekends/at the hospital.
Write down all the occasions on which he's asked you to cover/guilt-tripped you. Make sure you have the actual messages (sad faces and all). Talk to HR.
The sad faces alone are SO unprofessional.

Speak to HR. It sound alike instead of reducing stress he is increasing it. Also have you even had a workplace health and safety assessment yet? Even if u work from home u must have one and by the sounds of this manager you don't.
Tell him as well midwife appointments cannot and should not be rearranged and legally you are entitled to paid time off for it.
It sounds like a nightmare of a manager.

Last time you posted about him everyone gave similar advice and said go to HR. Do you not have one? You are just setting yourself up for more of the same.

You need to create a level of separation. Ideally get a separate phone/number so that you can switch off all work related crap out of working hours.

But absolutely if you are still bleeding you should not be working. Baby and you must come first!

Getting things written down is a good tip. My former boss got shitty with me when I was pregnant. When she started making unreasonable requests by phone I'd email back, factually, asking her to confirm she wanted me to do the completely unreasonable thing she asked and she couldn't back off fast enough.

"Hi Knobhead, As I told you on the phone I am at an urgent hospital appointment - can I just check you're asking me to leave the hospital and instead do X? If so I'm wondering if we should consult occupational health as per my pregnancy risk assessment."

That kinda thing. Doesn't have to be confrontational in tone - it gives them a get out to lie through their teeth and reply "oh I think you misunderstood what I said on the phone, of course that's fine and takes priority". If they don't backtrack, HR.

I hope I haven't missed a later update - I've tried to read all - but do talk to HR about this.
It sounds like he's setting the bar incredibly high so you "fail" - it's not on.
I would say to HR that the role has changed since you've been pregnant and the workload has escalated. What do they suggest?

@Wallywobbles

Last time you posted about him everyone gave similar advice and said go to HR. Do you not have one? You are just setting yourself up for more of the same.

On it's own, the request to work when I shouldn't of been to enable the other employee to take annual leave didn't seem like enough to take to HR.

However, after my health scare that is still ongoing and me thinking about all the occurrences over the last few months has made me realise that it wasn't just that one event but a series of little ones that for me came to a head yesterday when he requested I pick up some urgent work knowing full well I was in the hospital.

I am writing things down now and am going to request a meeting with him first before I think about going down the HR route.

I don't remember you on any previous threads of mine though - are you sure it was me?

I really wish I'd have pushed back harder with my boss tbh but he knew I'd push myself for the elderly residents, I didn't want their care to suffer and as manager I was guilt tripped into working well above my contracted hours as the home is my responsibility. Oh and that's whilst being on call 24/7 365 days of the year for the grand total of 23k per year. No extra pay for any overtime or time back.

I tried to go on maternity leave 4 times before I had to as I was being induced (they kept calling begging me to help just once more).

He also knew the day I was being induced and called me when I was in labour, literally pushing my baby out. I went back to work early too but he called 10 days postpartum wanting to know if I could go any sooner.

I've got a new job now, better hours, more money and less stress. I have asked my boss for an exit interview.

Don't wait like I have. Involve hr or a union if you want to and set out your issues in a business like way.

Good luck for the rest of your pregnancy.

I get notifications for it. almost like on facebook when someone messages you and it pops up so if I have a work email/Skype it will be on the screen when I go on my phone.

Set you Out of Office to busy/not available (can't remember all the options atm). That will stop the notifications - or play about with your settings to stop them.

He also knew the day I was being induced and called me when I was in labour, literally pushing my baby out. I went back to work early too but he called 10 days postpartum wanting to know if I could go any sooner.

What is wrong with some people?

I definitely remember your previous thread. Right now I would get signed off for a few days then deal with it. Managing your stress is the most important thing. Don’t try and talk to him without a factual list, cc hr in on it and stick to your messages, which are:

• I can only do the work of one person , and frequent requests I do more (as noted in my list) are causing me stress and affecting my health.
• I can only do one persons regular hours, I cannot continue to do overtime, it is affecting my health. I will not be able to reply to evening and weekend emails or requests.
• I don’t see this level of pressure being applied to other people, just me. Also it seems quite a recent thing, only started a few months ago- what changed then?
• I will not respond to emails nor do work while admitted to hospital or on sick leave, that was completely unacceptable.

@Candylovesss I strongly suggest getting HR involved in these conversations and ensuring you have some form of witness for any meeting. You need to ensure it’s logged that you are following protocol and have raised concerns first. It’s easy to lead from the front, if he complains about you then it’s much, much harder.

You're welcome @Candylovesss, but I see things are more serious than your OP. I hope you can get this resolved with HR's help.

In the meantime, I can highly recommend askamanager.org for all kinds of advice on work problems. She's brilliant at finding words for these kinds of situations, where you need to push back but stay professional. She's also got a ton of resources for applying for jobs, if you need to find something better. Oh, and sometimes people write in with spectacularly awful problems, but you're not allowed to call it WTF Wednesday...

@Candylovesss

LadyDanburysHat
Firstly, why are you even looking at emails while in hospital? You aren't doing yourself any favours by being constantly available to him. You need to push back, don't feel guitly.

I get notifications for it. almost like on facebook when someone messages you and it pops up so if I have a work email/Skype it will be on the screen when I go on my phone.
OP, could you turn notifications off? Either permanently or when you are busy/on leave/have medical appointments?

BTW: I suggest you bcc your personal email address with all correspondence relating to this issue - just to cover your back, or if you need this audit trail in the future. 🌹

Rule one COVER THY OWN ARSE.
email , written trail to EVERYTHING. reply you are overworked/ training people in jobs I don’t know how to do cos you never trained me / dealing with hospital appointments and you’re still contacting me / being asked to CANCEL medical appointments which are medically require for my and babies health etc etc. Th