Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To tell my manager he is causing me a lot of stress

99 replies

Candylovesss · 02/09/2021 09:51

Hi all,

Just want opinions really on if I'm being a bit precious or if my manager is being a bit much.

I am 28 weeks pregnant. On the whole have been okay, suffered bad sickness until 15 weeks but as working from home never took any time off sick. Haven't had any time off at all in fact during this pregnancy. Stating this now just to show I haven't not pulled my weight.

Anyway, I have found in the last couple of months my manager has been really quite chaotic. It started with asking me to cover multiple people at once at very short notice (literally either the same morning or an email sent the evening before, for me to open the following morning) which has been impossible at some points as the sheer volume of work was just not feasible.

Sometimes, I had never done these people's work before and his response was to just follow the work notes. He never offers to cover himself though or help out with workload.

He is randomly popping up on skype asking me to train new people at the last minute too. If I reply saying I am sorry I am covering people who are off that you have asked me to do he says can you not just show them a bit of that - so he effectively wants me to train on work I have not actually done before and already feel a bit unsure on myself.

He hasn't checked in once to see how I am doing throughout the pregnancy or to ask if I am managing. Someone left whilst I was on annual leave a couple of months ago and he gave me their work - I only know I was given it thanks to another colleague, to this day he has still not told me lol.

Yesterday was the worst one so far. I had some bleeding (still ongoing, looks okay but they can't say where it's coming from) and I had to go to hospital to be checked. The first thing he said when I told him was have you done all the work you needed to do today. I said yes but I really need to head to hospital now.

When I was at the hospital he sent me an email asking me to pick up some urgent work he had been emailed about. I was in hospital having observations done at this point and reminded him where I was. His response was to completely ignore me.

He has also been guilt tripping me in the last month or so. One woman put in a last minute request for annual leave the day before the event and he emailed me asking to cover. I said I couldn't as I was only on a half day that day myself and also had a midwife appointment so wouldn't have time to complete theirs plus my own. He then asked if I could just have my half day another day instead as this other woman was talking about cancelling her annual leave and he didn't want her to feel upset.....

This happened again last week. Asking me to cover with no notice and then guilt tripped me when I said I was already covering 2 other people plus my own work. He said I am struggling to find cover with a sad face at the end.

I really don't know how to handle this - is it enough for me to request a meeting with him and bring it up? I am finding it all really stressful, especially now with this bleeding etc. I just feel like he isn't managing very well?

OP posts:

Nixandwotsit · 02/09/2021 10:41

Are you in a union? Join one if not.

Phobiaphobic · 02/09/2021 10:42

As someone whose boss turning into a raging arsehole the moment I got pregnant, I second the advice to write down and date every incident, so you can go to HR.

Original poster

Candylovesss · 02/09/2021 10:43

No, it's my own personal phone fortunately.

I think it's because I have always just not wanted to rock the boat but after yesterdays scare it's kind of put things in perspective for me and as much as I rely on having a job and wanting to do well at work I don't think the way he has treated me recently has been right and no where near supportive.

OP posts:

AffableApple · 02/09/2021 10:45

@notasillysausage

I’d get signed off with stress to be honest. It’s really not on!

This. Pregnancy is a protected characteristic. He should be giving you more breaks not more work, if you're having a difficult pregnancy. Please have a read if you'r not familiar with what you're entitled to: www.acas.org.uk/managing-your-employees-maternity-leave-and-pay/discrimination-because-of-pregnancy-and-maternity

Jent13c · 02/09/2021 10:46

Do not be guilt tripped by any manager struggling with staffing. I did it for so long and would always help out 'for the team'. Then I offered to switch a couple times when they were short and the didn't reply until the last minute. When I called up to find out what was going on it turned out they had seen my message they were just ignoring it to see if a switch that suited them better was going to magically appear. Made me wonder how often I was going in to double my allocation because they hadn't bothered responding to offers to help. He is paid a managers salary to find cover and at the end of the day if there is no cover he should be taking it upon himself, not piling it on you.

You are the only advocate for yourself and your baby, he clearly isn't interested. If I had a long standing member of staff hospitalised with bleeding at 28 weeks I'd be sending them flowers and telling them to rest and not worry about work absolutely not sending them jobs. Make yourself less available to him, he doesn't own you. You've told him you were going to hospital....do not reply to emails or texts or calls from him. Do not switch annual leave that you have booked to save the feelings of other staff. He cannot cancel your leave without notice in any case...double can't do that for medical appointments! Don't even enter negotiation with him. Just a straight up no.

Have you looked into how going off sick with stress/starting maternity leave early would affect your maternity leave? I know most people want to work right until the last minute but you really don't need this stress and you've had some bleeding now. Look after yourself.

RosesAndHellebores · 02/09/2021 10:48

Write what you have written here in bullet point form. Meet your manager to seek resolution. If none

Escalate to his l/m. If still no joy to HR.

Meanwhile if you are bleeding you need to take sick leave until resolved.

Original poster

Candylovesss · 02/09/2021 10:50

@Jent13c The line about sending flowers, not more work has really struck a note with me and made me feel a bit sad. Because actually, if i was a manager I would do the same. It's just being human isn't it? He is clearly lacking in the empathy department atm.

OP posts:

Winniewonka · 02/09/2021 10:57

Follow all of the good advice given but when you do speak to HR, show them the proof where you had specifically told your manager that you urgently needed to visit the hospital with regard to your pregnancy and he still persisted in contacting you with work matters on your phone.
I'm sure by (employment) law that you're allowed time off work for any medical appointment relating to your pregnancy and he is in breach of that by contacting you.

nwatty · 02/09/2021 11:09

@Candylovesss

I try to refuse and I get guilt tripping messages on skype saying he doesn't want to upset other people and he's struggling to find cover etc.

But he doesnt care about upsetting you?

EmKayEm · 02/09/2021 11:14

A grown man signing off work emails with an emoji.
That isn't the worst thing about this, but it is pretty close.

Set out your boundaries and stick to them.

TillyTopper · 02/09/2021 11:17

So I wouldn't present it as the title of your post and wouldn't be saying he is causing you stress. What I would say is that asking for cover and training last minute means you cannot do such a good job and due to your workload you can't do cover last minute this isn't good for the company. I think you need to book a one to one with him and go over the issues - with examples - of where things haven't been conducive to doing a good job. Obv not in an accusing way but let him know the impact. If he doesn't stop loading you then go to HR if you think it's serious enough. Also if you are on appointments or off sick set your OOO so he gets the message you are not available.

Original poster

Candylovesss · 02/09/2021 11:17

thanks for responses on here. Has made me feel more sure in holding my ground and that I am not being unreasonable to feel the way i do.

I think i sometimes forget that even though he is a team leader/manager, he cannot do whatever he wants or get away with things just because. And that is probably part of the reason I always say yes because it just doesn't enter my mind that I can actually say no!

OP posts:

Original poster

Candylovesss · 02/09/2021 11:22

@TillyTopper I think for me though, framing it in a way where I am not directly acknowledging the impact it is having on me won't have much of an impact on him as he will respond to anything like that with well we are just going to have to do what we can do. So I am essentially saying my main concern is the business not my health which really isn't true.

OP posts:

Longdistance · 02/09/2021 11:29

The reason he’s passed it on to you could be to get you eventually pushed out. Maybe he’s so incompetent he actually can’t do it himself.

Original poster

Candylovesss · 02/09/2021 11:30

@Longdistance he has never once attended any of our training sessions over the last few years so it wouldn't surprise me if he had no idea.

OP posts:

DameFanny · 02/09/2021 11:30

As people have said, document all the unreasonableness with dates and times, including your responses.

But you can also push back more effectively if you - in writing - start asking him to prioritise what he wants when he's given you more work. Don't worry about being flustered in the moment if he's phoned and said 'I need I need I need', you can take 5 minutes and then email with something like 'I've looked at my workload for the week and I'm not able to do x while also taking on y to cover these 2 other people. How do you want me to prioritise this, because I obviously can't do 3 people's work, especially when you're asking me to teach myself z at the same time'

And then keep asking for the plan for maternity cover, so you can train someone in good time.

And if he's crossing into bullying, absolutely go to HR. If he's being a crap manager giver him another chance by laying it out for him so he can see his requests are unreasonable - this also helps you build a car for maternity discrimination should you need to.

Best of luck.

DameFanny · 02/09/2021 11:31

*case, not car

Original poster

Candylovesss · 02/09/2021 11:32

@DameFanny thank you, he is on annual leave for a week now (of course!) but I am starting to write a document down. hopefully him being off will give me some breathing space atleast for next week as I hopefully won't be sent constant emails.

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/09/2021 11:33

@notasillysausage

I’d get signed off with stress to be honest. It’s really not on!

This.

8dpwoah · 02/09/2021 11:33

@FreeBritnee

Problem with going off with stress is could they start your maternity leave early?

I wish people would stop saying this on here. They can only start you early if it's pregnancy related and within four weeks of your due date. Not within four weeks? Can't start you early. Broke your leg with two weeks to go? Not pregnancy related, can't start you early.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/09/2021 11:34

To be fair, that poster was asking could they, not saying they could.

8dpwoah · 02/09/2021 11:35

You need to diary it all and go to HR. He isn't going to listen to you, you've given him enough opportunities to do so, so don't feel guilty. I'd also be looking at taking some time off but only you know if that will help or will make you feel more worried.

Good luck OP, you definitely aren't being precious!

8dpwoah · 02/09/2021 11:36

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

To be fair, that poster was asking could they, not saying they could.

True, sorry @FreeBritnee I just assumed you'd posted what loads of other people do. Should have read it more carefully myself

JeVoudrais · 02/09/2021 11:37

I think he's got you marked as a yes person. Or someone if he pushes enough you'll then say yes.

If you can't get him to back off by refusing or don't feel able to then absolutely get signed off. You don't need the aggravation.

I was under the perinatal team from pregnancy and at one point my nurse said I'm not being funny but why are you working?! Get signed off. So I did. I did jack shit for the last few months of my pregnancy but it gave me the space to focus on my pregnancy and my mental health.

jay55 · 02/09/2021 11:39

Each time he adds another task, reply with I don't have capacity for abc as I'm already covering xyz, which is the priority?

You cannot cover everyone all the time. And he knows this.

Flip

1 2 3 4