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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel like my mother is trying to take away my role as mum

53 replies

PlanetTeaTime · 01/09/2021 16:27

Every time I do something with my baby in front of my mother, she copies me

I really feel like she is trying to be mum to my child.

When I was pregnant she went on about how she really wanted to have a close relationship with my child and I felt very much during the pregnancy like she didn't care about how I was feeling but only about my baby

I feel that a lot now too tbh

I would go as far as to say she's obsessed. I feel like she undermines me and my choices as well.

Is this normal?? Do other people's mums get like this about grandchildren?

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 01/09/2021 16:34

It doesn’t sound normal at all.

My mum passed away not long after my DD was born but I can’t imagine her behaving like this. I would find it unbelievably stifling and frustrating.

I think you need to set some pretty firm boundaries as soon as you can: it’s only going to get harder.

Marni83 · 01/09/2021 16:36

How old is your baby?

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 01/09/2021 16:38

Spending less time with her may help give you back a sense of control over things..

PersonaNonGarter · 01/09/2021 16:40

I think your baby must be very new. Be sure your baby know exactly who it’s mother is.

This stage will pass.

phishy · 01/09/2021 16:44

No, not normal. Just be firm with her and reinforce that you are DD’s mum every time she does something batshit.

Original poster
PlanetTeaTime · 01/09/2021 16:47

@Marni83 @PersonaNonGarter

She's almost 6 months

Do you think maybe she's just excited and doesn't realise she's doing it maybe?

I find it really grates on me

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 01/09/2021 16:48

Do you live with your mother? Are you very young? If the answer to either is yes, I'm not surprised. Either way spend less time with her and reclaim your baby!

Original poster
PlanetTeaTime · 01/09/2021 16:48

@LittleOwl153

I do not live with my mother and I'm not really young

OP posts:
Marni83 · 01/09/2021 16:50

Take baby out of the equation and how was your relationship?

FlipFlops4Me · 01/09/2021 16:51

I think I'd be having a firm word with mum saying that it seems to you that she is getting a bit obsessed with baby, and that it isn't healthy for either baby or mum. Gently (or firmly) point out that if she doesn't back off, you will. And since you hold the baby so to speak, you hold all the cards in this game.

Original poster
PlanetTeaTime · 01/09/2021 16:54

@Marni83

We were close but I do think she has always manipulated me to get me to do whatever she thinks is best

There was a time when I thought she was the best mum in the world but having my own daughter has really made me see things differently and I feel now like she is actually quite selfish and didn't put me first when I was a child.

Maybe I am wrong to think this I don't know. Maybe I am just doing things differently but that doesn't make her way wrong.

OP posts:
2Hot2Handle · 01/09/2021 16:56

I found it hard to tell if I was being overly sensitive in the first few month’s of my DC’s life, when it come to other people (DM, DSIL, DB) taking over from me when they were in the room. I was enjoying doing the day to day things, but they kept stepping in. Looking back, I genuinely think they were just trying to help and wanted get to spend some time with the newest adorable member of the family. I had the lion’s share of the responsibilities and bonding regardless of how much they did.
You will have that mummy/baby bond that other people in your DC’s life won’t have, no matter what they do. Assert your authority, by staying involved and doing things your way, but if you need a break from some of the mundane childcare chores you do every day, don’t be afraid to accept help, and don’t believe it, if someone tells you they know what your DC needs better than you. Smile and nod, then do it your way!

Marni83 · 01/09/2021 16:58

As a parent
Lots of difficult conversations lie ahead over next decades!

I think your first is imminent.
It needn’t be high drama
Just you and your mum and you telling her how you feel

Original poster
PlanetTeaTime · 01/09/2021 17:01

@2Hot2Handle

Thanks. Maybe that is what is happening. I am massively sleep deprived maybe it well intentioned

OP posts:
Robertthebrucesthistle · 01/09/2021 17:06

I would consider taking a step back from your mum to see how it feels when you’re not under any pressure from her. It’s absolutely okay to recognise that she may not have been the best mum to you either.

AveryGoodlay · 01/09/2021 17:09

Every time I do something with my baby in front of my mother, she copies me Could you give some examples of this please?

Original poster
PlanetTeaTime · 01/09/2021 17:11

@Marni83

There are a lot of things I can talk about with my mother but I don't feel like she would be receptive to me saying this.

I did tell her when I was pregnant that I felt like all she cared about was the baby and felt like she was using her as some kind of second chance. She said that wasn't true.

But I do still feel that way.

Perhaps it's a settling in period just finding our new "roles" and a new dynamic

Thanks for listening

OP posts:
Marni83 · 01/09/2021 17:14

[quote PlanetTeaTime]@Marni83

There are a lot of things I can talk about with my mother but I don't feel like she would be receptive to me saying this.

I did tell her when I was pregnant that I felt like all she cared about was the baby and felt like she was using her as some kind of second chance. She said that wasn't true.

But I do still feel that way.

Perhaps it's a settling in period just finding our new "roles" and a new dynamic

Thanks for listening[/quote]
As a mother I simply can’t imagine not being “receptive” to my daughter talking to me about this.

Original poster
PlanetTeaTime · 01/09/2021 17:20

@AveryGoodlay

For example, I would pretend to eat her foot and go "nomnomnom" and then I'll leave the room and come back and she'll do be doing the exact same thing.

Or I'll tell her about something funny she did with a particular toy the other day and at some point when we next see each other, she'll get that toy and try to "recreate" the thing I told her about.

Or I told her I lay her on her front on my arm to help with wind, that I'd read in a book and then she'll say "she likes being held like this when she has wind"

OP posts:
Original poster
PlanetTeaTime · 01/09/2021 17:21

@Marni83

How do I say it though?

OP posts:
Original poster
PlanetTeaTime · 01/09/2021 17:22

@AveryGoodlay

These are things that I've made up as a way of bonding with my DD and I feel like she should be finding her own way of bonding, but she's just copying me

Does that makes sense?

OP posts:
MamaTutu2 · 01/09/2021 17:23

@PlanetTeaTime is that not just a case of you telling her something that entertains your baby and her trying to entertain baby knowing what works?

Original poster
PlanetTeaTime · 01/09/2021 17:25

@MamaTutu2

Maybe it is and I'm just massively over sensitive

OP posts:
SoundBar · 01/09/2021 17:25

Spend less time with your DM. It sounds an exhausting dynamic

ClemDanFango · 01/09/2021 17:26

From the first two examples you gave I don’t think she’s doing anything wrong. It sounds like she’s taken on board the things the baby seems to enjoy and is trying to interact in that way to build a relationship and make the baby happy. The last one is annoying I grant you. You know more than anyone how your baby needs to be winded.