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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel like my mother is trying to take away my role as mum

53 replies

PlanetTeaTime · 01/09/2021 16:27

Every time I do something with my baby in front of my mother, she copies me

I really feel like she is trying to be mum to my child.

When I was pregnant she went on about how she really wanted to have a close relationship with my child and I felt very much during the pregnancy like she didn't care about how I was feeling but only about my baby

I feel that a lot now too tbh

I would go as far as to say she's obsessed. I feel like she undermines me and my choices as well.

Is this normal?? Do other people's mums get like this about grandchildren?

OP posts:

Seesawmummadaw · 01/09/2021 17:29

What kind of things is she copying?

1forAll74 · 01/09/2021 17:32

You need to be in control of things, and speak up for yourself, and tell your Mother about the things that are getting you down about her behaviour. It's a shame that you have to do this, but some things have to be said at times. other wise, things will just go on and on and upset you. There is no accounting for some peoples odd behaviour at times.

sandragreen · 01/09/2021 17:32

YANBU and I agree with PP that you should find a way to spend a little less time with your mum.

Does she work? Have much of her own life? What about your dad?

I hope aren't intending to use her for child care? That sounds like it would end in tears.

Original poster

PlanetTeaTime · 01/09/2021 17:33

Thanks @ClemDanFango

OP posts:

RedMarauder · 01/09/2021 17:33

[quote MamaTutu2]@PlanetTeaTime is that not just a case of you telling her something that entertains your baby and her trying to entertain baby knowing what works?[/quote]
I agree with this.

It's clear your mother hasn't spent a lot of time around different children especially babies to realise that she needs to find out what works for her.

Original poster

PlanetTeaTime · 01/09/2021 17:35

@sandragreen

Yeah she has her own life etc

I will be using her for childcare but I'll only be working part time. I hope it doesn't end in tears.

OP posts:

Original poster

PlanetTeaTime · 01/09/2021 17:35

Ok thanks @RedMarauder

OP posts:

Babynames2 · 01/09/2021 17:43

I’d be more concerned about the undermining than the copying you OP. What sort of things does she do that feels like she’s undermining you?

My mom is very suffocating and is very baby obsessed and similar to you I felt like she only cared about the baby throughout my pregnancy. In fact, when I called to say DD was born and I’d ended up in theatre having forceps she didn’t even ask how I was, just kept repeating ‘is the baby okay though’. I kept visits to just once every week/fortnight whilst DD1 was young and was quite firm with boundaries.

With DD2 we had a 3 month childcare gap when I went back to work part-time (due to Covid) and she offered childcare. Although I was grateful for the help the undermining massively ramped up and she definitely started to basically see herself as another parent. Not even doing things differently in front of me, but actually contradicting me when I was dealing with my daughters. Fortunately those 3 months are over now. Childcare can blur lines as you have to accept that you can’t expect everything done your way.

MrsPumpkinSeed · 01/09/2021 17:43

I think I only realised my mother wasn't who I thought she was when I had my own dc. She was quite aggressive and dominating and critical. I always thought I was bad and that's why.

I would say step back from your mum - a lot. Be busy.
Don't respond to texts or requests to over or for her to visit quite so easily. Are you going back to work soon? Ensure you don't rely on her for childcare as it's grating on you already and will get worse.

MilkWasABadChoice · 01/09/2021 17:44

It’s passive aggressive but you could do the whole “oh (baby’s name), is granny pretending to be mummy again? Isn’t granny strange! But you know the difference of course” thing when you find her nomming the foot or whatever.

A more direct route is to say to her very plainly and calmly “you don’t have to copy what I do in order to create a bond with your granddaughter. As long as you are kind and pay attention to what’s best for her, you will make your own relationship. Please don’t try to take my role as mum - you had your turn”

Low drama, as a pp said.

MilkWasABadChoice · 01/09/2021 17:45

Er I wouldn’t use her for childcare though…

miltonj · 01/09/2021 17:48

My mil is like this, and although we have a good relationship, it seriously pisses me off. My mother on the other hand is an amazing grandma who understands what her role is.

Marni83 · 01/09/2021 17:54

[quote PlanetTeaTime]@Marni83

How do I say it though? [/quote]
That will depend on your relationship

I suggest at a quiet time, baby napping, alone.

Acknowledge that you see how much she loves her and you trust her completely with your baby but you do feel that….

miltonj · 01/09/2021 17:54

Also, it doesn't matter if you're being over sensitive or not. You shouldn't try to push against your feelings. And you know that this is pissing you off. So I wouldn't use her as childcare regularly as it's just going to ruin your relationship.

shinynewapple21 · 01/09/2021 17:59

I think your mum is probably terrified of upsetting you by caring for her grandchild differently to the way that you are doing . So many things change over the years eg sleep routines , sleeping positions , how and when babies are fed, weaned etc . I think your mum is probably trying to do the right thing by you by following your lead rather than suggesting that she knows best because she's done it all before . Rather than trying to 'take over' the parenting of your baby it could be that she's doing exactly the opposite .

It's possible that you are being a bit over sensitive .

I can recall a few situations when DS was a baby when I felt that my MIL was trying to take over, and also when my DH felt that my parents were trying to take over . Looking back I see it with a different perspective .

JudgeJ · 01/09/2021 18:00

@Marni83

As a parent Lots of difficult conversations lie ahead over next decades!

I think your first is imminent.
It needn’t be high drama
Just you and your mum and you telling her how you feel

Luckily we were abroad but during a visit to the UK my mother said something and I disagreed. 'I'm entitled to my opinion' was her view, I told her she was indeed entitled to her opinion, as she was entitled to her opinion on China and the UN, it didn't mean her opinion would be acted upon! She never said anything else, it was the only way to be with her, blunt and to the point.

QueenHofScotland · 01/09/2021 18:08

I’m sorry OP but from the examples you have given, I think she is just desperate to make her grandchild happy. I think you are being over sensitive.

Unless there are other examples but that is all you’ve given us.

What I will say is that, I was close to my mum despite lots of difficulties in relation to her Mh. She loved me to bits. But her grandchildren were a different kettle of fish…she said it was a love like no other and I’ve heard other people say the same

esloquehay · 01/09/2021 18:18

In my experience of my mother, albeit with my DN (she died when my DDs were not yet 2), it got worse as the boy (DN). My mother constantly undermined my DSis and as DN got older, my mother played my DN off against my DSis. Mother was obsessed and DSis went NC when she finally found the confidence to break away from our Mother.

RedHelenB · 01/09/2021 18:29

From these posts yabu. You are your baby's mother and your baby knows that. That's not to say that if something is irritating you you can't raise it but you can do it in a nice way.

AveryGoodlay · 01/09/2021 20:31

For example, I would pretend to eat her foot and go "nomnomnom" and then I'll leave the room and come back and she'll do be doing the exact same thing.

Or I'll tell her about something funny she did with a particular toy the other day and at some point when we next see each other, she'll get that toy and try to "recreate" the thing I told her about.

Or I told her I lay her on her front on my arm to help with wind, that I'd read in a book and then she'll say "she likes being held like this when she has wind"
That is very strange behaviour I have to say! I'd definitely put distance between you for a while and if she asks why I'd tell her in a calm, measured way and present the facts without too much emotion. I find written communication such as a letter or email really good for getting your point across.

AveryGoodlay · 01/09/2021 20:34

Also, if she's undermining you that's the biggest concern.

You absolutely shouldn't use her for childcare. You'd be a complete fool to if your OP is how you really feel.

WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 01/09/2021 20:47

I don’t think your examples of her behaviour are all that terrible, but if you feel like she’s undermining you then you might want to rethink using her for regular childcare when you go back to work. She’ll likely just undermine you more when you aren’t there to see it.

nokidshere · 01/09/2021 20:49

For example, I would pretend to eat her foot and go "nomnomnom" and then I'll leave the room and come back and she'll do be doing the exact same thing.

Or I told her I lay her on her front on my arm to help with wind, that I'd read in a book and then she'll say "she likes being held like this when she has wind

This just sounds like she is trying to do things with your baby that you have said works.

Babies/children always know who their mum is. She isn't going to get confused that more than one person does the same things with her.

Sounds like you are feeling a bit insecure to me.

Yummymummy2020 · 01/09/2021 20:55

I get it. My toddler was calling my mum mum as she heard me say it. In fact she was actively encouraging answering what hun!!! Really annoyed me even though they know I’m their “mum” I found it really unsettling!!! If you feel unhappy I agree the best thing Is to maybe reduce contact a bit and really reconsider the childcare.

QueenBee52 · 01/09/2021 21:24

@PlanetTeaTime

If this is how she is making you feel, then trust those feelings. Do not be gaslighted into thinking you are imagining it .. that you are being too sensitive.. or that you are insecure.. Your feelings and instincts are valid and you must trust them, it's all we have..

So.. you need to act on this behaviour the best way you can... if that means less contact and that works for you, then so be it..

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