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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feeling so upset that my toddler is like this - I need help!

66 replies

Halloumiandtomatosalad · 01/09/2021 11:45

My 2 year old (3 in October) has started pushing and shoving other children when we’re out.
He did it to one of his little friends yesterday, we met up for a play date. This poor little girl was terrified of him and kept asking her mum to pick her up because my DS was throwing things at her and pushing her.
Today at soft play he pushed a smaller child over , before I could get in and intervene, he ran off.
He did it to another child just before we were due to go home, so we took him home early, even though we’d said he could have one more go on the slide, but I’m not sure if these sort of things work. I guess it’s an old school ‘punishment’ we’re going home if you do it again type thing.

Every time he does it, we tell him no and explain we use kind hands. He just laughs and says “I want to push”.

He’s a very clever, affectionate and loving boy. So it’s making me feel rather sad.

He does go to nursery twice a week and they haven’t mentioned anything there about him pushing or being physical with other children…

Any ideas or advice greatly received as I’m starting to feel incredibly anxious about going out with him by myself.

OP posts:

Raindancer411 · 01/09/2021 11:56

Have you explained that no one will want to be his friend or play with him if he does it? (I am sure you have). I would do time outs each time he does it personally.

babouchette · 01/09/2021 12:00

My DD does this. I come down on her like a ton of bricks when I see it but she still does it. I think you just have to keep trying and hope that they'll grow out of it eventually.

Xmassprout · 01/09/2021 12:02

You need to be there to stop him before he does it. If he tries to push someone, you physically block him from doing so and tell him 'I will not allow you to push'. If that means you have to be standing over his shoulder while he is playing with other children, that is what you do.

Gentle parenting can still be firm.

And yes, I have had to do this before with a younger child who was a biter. She soon stopped

BumbleNova · 01/09/2021 12:02

It's not just yours! My lovely kind, clever little boy has turned into a monster overnight.

I think it's just a phase?

Tal45 · 01/09/2021 12:03

Can you work out why he is pushing? Is it the reaction from the child? Is it because he wants to get ahead of them/have something they've got? Is it because he gets a lot of attention from you if he pushes someone and you chase after him?

Whatever the case my advice would be to track his behaviour more right now, so you follow him around at soft play and have children over to play at yours but keep a constant eye on him. Have clear consequences if he pushes, that are made clear to him before you go to soft play 'make sure you remember kind hands at soft play, if you push anyone we will come straight home' then make sure you consistently follow through. He just needs to learn that pushing isn't fun because it means he has to leave.

If he pushes because he doesn't like taking turns then I would practice this a lot at home. Get some little games for toddlers and teach him how to take turns. Take turns at putting blocks on to build a tower, take turns at choosing a nursery rhyme to sing, take turns at stirring the mixture to make a cake.....He's still young so I wouldn't worry, and don't stop socialising, just keep a close eye for now, make sure he gets lots of your attention and work on taking turns.

hiredandsqueak · 01/09/2021 12:04

My dd has a portable naughty corner which is fundamentally any spot that she points to and decides it's where dgs must sit for time out. She reminds him she has the naughty corner in her bag before they leave the house. More often than not she only needs to warn dgs that if he continues to behave in a particular way she will get out the naughty corner for him to stop.

MsTSwift · 01/09/2021 12:07

Take him out there and then and put him somewhere dull (porch?) every time he does it with a firm “no” with no eye contact. Worked for me when my otherwise delightful 2 year old started biting. Nicked from friends whose dd was hitting. Cannot stand wet parenting.

Overthebow · 01/09/2021 12:08

This poor little girl was terrified of him and kept asking her mum to pick her up because my DS was throwing things at her and pushing her.

This bit stood out to me. How many times did your DC throw things at her and push her for her to keep asking to be picked up? You need to step in before this happens really, it’s not fair for the other child to have this keep happening. Once is an accident/something that small children do, but prolonged or multiple times really needs sorting.

madeinthe80z · 01/09/2021 12:08

This is age appropriate and completely normal behaviour, so don't worry and certai ly don't stop going out because of it!

Toddlers can't really control themselves, so in the moment after it has just happened the best thing to do is restrain your child and show empathy to the child he has pushed over or hit. Ask them if they are okay. Then tell your child 'we don't hit.' If you think the parents of the other child should see you 'having a word' you can take him aside but tell him you love him, but you can't let him hit people.

If it happens again, do the same and then leave without sounding like its a punishment. Just we will have to try another day as you are clearly over excited / whatever you think emotion may be. Be patient through the resulting tantrum but don't use too many words, there's no point when they have big feelings.

Then find a nice time later in the day or even the next day to try and talk to him about it, using simple words. There will be a reason he is doing it, and in his world, it will matter!

Getting angry and shouting at toddlers is a thankless task because they don't really have the capability to learn properly yet. It may also just reenforce the behaviour. The best thing you can do is try and help them deal with their emotions. Good luck!

DysmalRadius · 01/09/2021 12:09

I got a book called Hands Are Not for Hitting and my son had to sit with me and read it every time he hit. It removed him from the situation, interrupted him playing and gave him a chance to calm down all at once. He used to hit because he was excited and just didn't really understand that it hurt and he did stop after a couple of weeks of reminders, reading the book, and seeing his friends sad.

AnUnlikelyCombination · 01/09/2021 12:11

Have you tried saying clearly and at his level “If you push, we got outside” before every interaction / play date / toddler class? Abs then doing it. You may find you initially spend a lot of time outside holding a screaming, kicking toddler, but IME it sinks in after a week or so.

AnUnlikelyCombination · 01/09/2021 12:14

Go, sorry, typo.

And I wouldn’t bother saying anything much, he’s too little and will be too cross to process words. Just hold him until he’s calm, then go back in with the reminder “If you push, we go outside”.

Sirzy · 01/09/2021 12:15

I agree with clear boundaries in advance and then immediate removal from the situation. Lots of reinforcing and talking about playing nicely.

whatswithtodaytoday · 01/09/2021 12:19

What works (ish) for mine is a warning, and then immediate action when he does it again. So one push, 'No, no pushing, if you do it again we'll go outside for five minutes'. Does it again, we go outside. He cries/calms down. We go back in. If he does it again we go back outside again (and again, and again), but generally he'll go to push and then look at me - a warning LOOK stops it.

He doesn't remember later in the day, it needs to be dealt with straight away. Not sure how enforcing boundaries is old-fashioned punishment - isn't it just... parenting?

Tataru · 01/09/2021 12:24

I would start with 'I can't let you hit X' and if he tries to again, be near enough to grab his hand to stop him and say it again. If he keeps on, then just 'Seems you're struggling to stop hitting X so we are going to go home now.'

That establishes your expectations and a consequence of repeated undesirable behaviour without ultimatums or bribery. Saying stuff like 'We don't hit' doesn't really work because he clearly does hit and probably just thinks 'Okay, well I do hit so what now?'. Putting it back onto what your expectations and boundaries are can help.

Janet Lansbury wrote about thinking like a CEO when dealing with toddlers - that is not being emotional or reacting in anger, but staying unruffled, calm, and matter of fact. That little bit of role play helps me sometimes with DD when my instinct is to get annoyed and shout at her

Goldbar · 01/09/2021 12:25

It's a phase. It will pass if every time he hits or throws, you remove him from the situation, tell him off firmly and make it clear to him that you will go home and his fun will stop if he continues.

Anordinarymum · 01/09/2021 12:26

Yes as the poster above says one warning only if he is prone to doing this, and then one action so he knows there is a pattern.
Next week he'll be doing something else, probably far worse.
Toddlers are great aren't they !

Didiusfalco · 01/09/2021 12:31

My son went through a stage of hurling things at other toddlers and it was mortifying if they got hurt. The key is that unfortunately if you have that sort of child you don’t get to sit and chill whilst they play, you have to helicopter. Also be clued into when they are getting tired or hungry and more likely to act like that and be ready to leave.
Never did anything like naughty step, I don’t like it.
Mine is in secondary now, and he’s brilliant, so don’t worry, this will pass.

Anordinarymum · 01/09/2021 12:33

@Didiusfalco

My son went through a stage of hurling things at other toddlers and it was mortifying if they got hurt. The key is that unfortunately if you have that sort of child you don’t get to sit and chill whilst they play, you have to helicopter. Also be clued into when they are getting tired or hungry and more likely to act like that and be ready to leave. Never did anything like naughty step, I don’t like it. Mine is in secondary now, and he’s brilliant, so don’t worry, this will pass.

My grandson thinks the naughty step is a game

BigSandyBalls2015 · 01/09/2021 12:36

def a phase. One of mine went through this, would scower the room looking for the most vulnerable wobbly 'just started walking' tot and shove them over. I was convinced she was going to turn into some sort of psycho but she soon grew out of it.

As others have said, you need to stick right by him and intervene before he gets a chance to do it.

MeadowHay · 01/09/2021 12:37

@Didiusfalco

My son went through a stage of hurling things at other toddlers and it was mortifying if they got hurt. The key is that unfortunately if you have that sort of child you don’t get to sit and chill whilst they play, you have to helicopter. Also be clued into when they are getting tired or hungry and more likely to act like that and be ready to leave. Never did anything like naughty step, I don’t like it. Mine is in secondary now, and he’s brilliant, so don’t worry, this will pass.

I agree with this as someone whose toddler has always been at the recieving end of this type of behaviour. I feel the onus should be on the parent of the child who is known to hit/push/etc to helicopter parent them and ensure they can't do that rather than on parent of the child who does not do that having to follow around my child everywhere and be the barrier myself to make sure that other kids can't do it to her.

BluebellsGreenbells · 01/09/2021 12:38

Strong words before you go anywhere and consequences

You can also offer a reward - if you play nicely today we will go hime and have ice cream or feed to ducks oetc

nameisnotimportant · 01/09/2021 12:40

I completely agree with @Xmassprout
You can be gentle but very firm with him. At this age they are testing the boundaries to see what they can get away with, so you need to intervene straight away. Block his hands and move him away in a calm manner. Get down to his level and explain firmly in a strong low voice, hands are not for hitting.
I then used to sit down and hold my daughter on my knee for a couple of minutes and say she can't play if she hits. I would then say if you hit/push/bite again then no more playing and we go home. I would then stick to it. Don't threaten anything you don't intend to follow through with.
Remember it is just a phase, it feels embarrassing and like your doing something wrong or your the worst mother in the world when your child starts hitting but lots of children go through this phase and if you are firm and very consistent they soon learn not to do it and the phase passes.
I Hope it doesn't last too long for you. My daughter was rough for about 8 long months but now plays beautifully and it so polite and kind to other children.

ThePlantsitter · 01/09/2021 12:43

Yes it's completely normal and you don't need to feel upset - he's not like this forever it's just something he's doing.

You do need to tell him off though. Firmly. I never liked formal behaviour schemes for mine but in your case I would get down to his level and say 'do not hit/push other people' very firmly and take him away from the situation, maybe to sit on your knee for a minute or two. Leaving playgroup wasn't a punishment it was a consequence of his not being able to be in a social situation.

You can definitely do 'gentle parenting' and be firm about what they shouldn't do, it's not exactly kind to let someone grow up being a twat. A firm voice doesn't hurt them in an otherwise soft relationship, is all part of it.

Calmdown14 · 01/09/2021 12:49

At that age punishment needs to be clear and immediate. Going home early won't really register by time you have got shoes, got in car, his little mind is away elsewhere!
Take him to a quiet corner, sit him down, and tell him firmly and at his level why you have put him there.
Make him wait there a minute or two and then allow him back.
Or remove him from the area he is enjoying and explain he cannot play there because he has hit x.
Intervention needs to happen straight away for him to link the two

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