Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Feeling so upset that my toddler is like this - I need help!

66 replies

Halloumiandtomatosalad · 01/09/2021 11:45

My 2 year old (3 in October) has started pushing and shoving other children when we’re out.
He did it to one of his little friends yesterday, we met up for a play date. This poor little girl was terrified of him and kept asking her mum to pick her up because my DS was throwing things at her and pushing her.
Today at soft play he pushed a smaller child over , before I could get in and intervene, he ran off.
He did it to another child just before we were due to go home, so we took him home early, even though we’d said he could have one more go on the slide, but I’m not sure if these sort of things work. I guess it’s an old school ‘punishment’ we’re going home if you do it again type thing.

Every time he does it, we tell him no and explain we use kind hands. He just laughs and says “I want to push”.

He’s a very clever, affectionate and loving boy. So it’s making me feel rather sad.

He does go to nursery twice a week and they haven’t mentioned anything there about him pushing or being physical with other children…

Any ideas or advice greatly received as I’m starting to feel incredibly anxious about going out with him by myself.

OP posts:

CustardyCreams · 01/09/2021 12:52

It’s a phase, but you can help it to end early and not return by explaining clearly the behaviour is not nice, and it hurts the other child and makes them sad so then the other children won’t like playing with him. Remove him from the situation and if needed give a consequence, going home early is absolutely perfect in my opinion.

Be careful about over using the naughty step, my DS has started asking from chocolate and when I say no, he yells, ‘bad mummy, mummy naughty, go on naughty step’ - quite embarrassing in the middle of the supermarket!

PepsiHoover · 01/09/2021 12:58

Daft question, does he know pushing is hurting another child? So many parents say don't hit, don't hurt etc. But the kids might not realise pushing is hurting.

I agree you need to helicopter over him if you know he will do it, especially if he runs off afterwards. You need to intervene before he does it to stop it instead of punishing afterwards .

NerrSnerr · 01/09/2021 12:59

It is normal and many children go through this phase. As PP have said you need to be with them if they're going through this phase- my eldest was often on the receiving end which I didn't mind if the parent was on it and it didn't happen again but I wouldn't have been happy if she was in the scenario you describe where she was scared which suggests it happened repeatedly.

Taoneusa · 01/09/2021 12:59

This is the beginning of teaching empathy. So when you are at home, playing on the sofa, or somewhere soft and comfortable, you push him in a way he won’t like, that disrupts his flow, disrupts the moment.

Then when he’s upset , you explain why we don’t “want to push’ others, once we realise we are creating upset. Pushing creates upset, and we don’t like being upset.

You can ask him “do you like to be pushed?” In a non punitive voice.
It’s the beginning of ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you”..it’s a vital building block for social and emotional intelligence.

Maray1967 · 01/09/2021 13:07

As PP said, there seemed to be a lot of it before you dealt with it. Where are you when he is doing this? If you have a child like this you need to be a helicopter parent- no sitting down on the bench, but be there right by him and deal with the very first instance. Remove him straightaway and leave him in no doubt that if there is a repeat he will be leaving. I have grabbed mine and hauled him off the steps to the slide when he did this, no messing about, he was straight off there and strapped in the pushchair and off home.

Dmacka75 · 01/09/2021 13:07

@Taoneusa
That sounds awful. Surely a 2 year old wont understand why his mum is pushing him

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 01/09/2021 13:12

You need to remove him from the situation immediately so he sees the result of his actions. Straight in the buggy for 2 minutes until he stops. If you haven't got the buggy with you then find a quiet area away from the other children. Leaving early won't have the same impact.

I imagine he's doing it for attention. It's a good way to get everyone noticing

MeredithGreyishblue · 01/09/2021 13:17

Agree with PPs, you need to helicopter. It's not fair to other kids not to.

Its nothing to do with him being clever or loving - he's just little!

And you need to stop it every time and action a consequence every time. You push, we leave. And leave. No pandering to tears or sorry.

Explain the rules when you arrive and repeat them.

ReggaetonLente · 01/09/2021 13:25

In a firm voice "I can't let you push other children. If you do it again, we'll have to go home, because I need to keep everybody safe".

And mean it, and do it.

DD has a little mate who hits, pushes and bites and his mum does fuck all about it, just whines his name and apologises weakly. At the last playdate he held a one year old underwater in a paddling pool - we won't be seeing them again. Kids are kids, they all go through phases and some are trickier than others, but fuck. That.

Aug12 · 01/09/2021 13:33

I just wanted to pop on and let you know you are not alone! My little boy turned 3 in May and does the exact same.. it started when he was about 2 and a half and we are still struggling with it. I use star charts and always have stickers With me in for when do when there are moments when he is playing nicely and gently I can reward it. when we go out, he is told before we leave, you must play nicely and be kind or you will have to leave. If he pushes he gets a stern no that’s hurtful and if he does it a second time we leave and go straight home.. it’s not really working tbh, I’m hoping it is just a phase but it feels like it’s a really long one. We’ve lost little friends over the months as parents don’t want to their child being pushed/shoved which I completely understand.

Ladypuggerz · 01/09/2021 13:40

Definitely set boundaries on the behaviour you expect from him and start to teach empathy like some others have said above.

I like how he communicated with you that he "likes to push" though. Can you offer him opportunities to push safely and appropriately e.g. a toy or friend on a swing, pushing over a large inflatable toy / punch bag, racing with toys he can push (e.g with wheels), to feed the impulse a little?

Ladypuggerz · 01/09/2021 13:41

Or "wants" to push, even

HarebrightCedarmoon · 01/09/2021 13:45

This too will pass. DD2 went through a biting phase. I can tell you that she is 12 year old now and definitely doesn't bite her peers

As well as telling him off, praise him highly and reward him when he is nice and doesn't push someone, so it doesn't mean that the naughty behaviour gets more attention than good behaviour.

If he's two and a half a sticker chart might even help. Five smiley faces get a star and a treat, that kind of thing.

RealBecca · 01/09/2021 13:46

Watch closely. Intervene immediately.

Down to his level. "That is not acceptable behaviour. How do you think that child feels. Do not do that again or we are leaving." Then drag out if necessary. None of this running off business. "Come here now or X toy (that is out with you) will be taken away as well." Then remove said toy. No need to shout. Simply set out action/decision and consequence.

MsTSwift · 01/09/2021 13:46

No one sensible thinks badly of small kids doing this but they don’t like it if the parent doesn’t deal with it firmly there and then. Whimpering “Archie please be kind” doesn’t cut it,

RealBecca · 01/09/2021 13:48

And making him apologise. Every time. If he refuses, you give once more chance woth the consequence that if he dossnt then you will leave. Choice.

Porcupineintherough · 01/09/2021 13:49

@Goldbar

It's a phase. It will pass if every time he hits or throws, you remove him from the situation, tell him off firmly and make it clear to him that you will go home and his fun will stop if he continues.

^This. It is^ a phase and it would be better for everyone if it was a short one. So get a little tough. If he pushes, straight home if its somewhere like soft play, or straight in the buggy if you are out and about.

NowEvenBetter · 01/09/2021 13:57

Taoneusa
Ding ding!
Here we have the ‘just bite them back’ parent. 😂

Starlight86 · 01/09/2021 14:25

"Today at soft play he pushed a smaller child over , before I could get in and intervene, he ran off.
He did it to another child just before we were due to go home, so we took him home early, even though we’d said he could have one more go on the slide, but I’m not sure if these sort of things work. I guess it’s an old school ‘punishment’ we’re going home if you do it again type thing."

So to be clear, he done it twice in softplay? The first time he ran off....but did you catch him and speak to him?

Also saying he is going home yet allowing him one more shot on the slide inst any type of consequence.

I find explaining consequences BEFORE any type of situation, for example... Mummy wants you to have a great time in softplay today, but if you hit or push another child we are going straight home without any warnings"
and if he does it then you follow through.

I tended to have hard and soft limits, hitting was a hard limit so no warnings were given other than before hand, but say grabbing a toy was a soft limit and a warning would be given.

2bazookas · 01/09/2021 15:07

Tell him pushing other people is not allowed. If he wants to push, he can push things that are allowed; a tree, or a big rock, or that roundabout thing in a playpark.

Tell him If he deliberately hurts another child then you will all leave the playgroup/park/friends house and go home straight away. No excuses, no second chance. Carry it through (however inconvenient ).

He has a lot of energy he needs to expend safely and wear himself out. So take him for long walks, do a lot of running and chasing, football, climbing, balance bike.

Thatsjustwhatithink · 01/09/2021 15:29

I'd immediately pick him up and leave. Straight in the car.

He'll soon twig on that his actions have consequences.

3scape · 01/09/2021 15:35

If my children started behaving like this, the first time I would tell them no and have them sit out. The second time I would take them home. It's creating boundaries then demonstrating you're quite serious about it. To be frank I wouldn't bother meeting up with a parent again if their child was repeatedly laughing in the parents face.

Original poster

Halloumiandtomatosalad · 01/09/2021 15:40

Thanks for all the replies.

It’s difficult to do the helicopter parenting in soft play, I am with him 98% of the time, but there are parts that I struggle to get up to, like the very top before the big tube slide. Made for kids, not adults who aren’t slim!

I think he has a lot of energy , we take him on long walks, we have a balance bike for him, but he doesn’t like it.
We’ve got him a scooter for his birthday though. So hoping that’ll be something he enjoys and wants to go on.

OP posts:

Tataru · 01/09/2021 15:42

@Ladypuggerz

Definitely set boundaries on the behaviour you expect from him and start to teach empathy like some others have said above.

Yes, this is a really good point. 'I can't let you push X, but you can push the swing/the pram/your bike' etc. The problem isn't that he wants to push; it's that he is pushing things (people) that are inappropriate. But if he wants to push something and is telling you that he wants to, then go with it and find a way for him to have an outlet for it in a way that is more sociable.

Original poster

Halloumiandtomatosalad · 01/09/2021 15:43

I feel like a bad parent and we’re going to end up lonely and isolated soon.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread