Feeling so upset that my toddler is like this - I need help!

[Halloumiandtomatosalad]

My 2 year old (3 in October) has started pushing and shoving other children when we’re out.
He did it to one of his little friends yesterday, we met up for a play date. This poor little girl was terrified of him and kept asking her mum to pick her up because my DS was throwing things at her and pushing her.
Today at soft play he pushed a smaller child over , before I could get in and intervene, he ran off.
He did it to another child just before we were due to go home, so we took him home early, even though we’d said he could have one more go on the slide, but I’m not sure if these sort of things work. I guess it’s an old school ‘punishment’ we’re going home if you do it again type thing.

Every time he does it, we tell him no and explain we use kind hands. He just laughs and says “I want to push”.

He’s a very clever, affectionate and loving boy. So it’s making me feel rather sad.

He does go to nursery twice a week and they haven’t mentioned anything there about him pushing or being physical with other children…

Any ideas or advice greatly received as I’m starting to feel incredibly anxious about going out with him by myself.

You need to be right there with him. Nip in bud before starts. Firm tone. Zero tolerance to anything that could hurt someone eg throwing. I personally hate the phrase kind hands. In my experience it’s used by parents who say it while their DC carries on hitting and pushing. A firm no and redirected or removing is much more effective.

Hi OP, mine both went through a phase of biting (DD1) and shoving (DD2) - picked up from nursery I believe (only takes one child to start it and then the behaviour seems to spread). Agree with PPs advice to watch them like a hawk and head it off before it happens/take a zero tolerance approach when it does. But in hindsight it passes really quickly as a phase so don't beat yourself up about it - you'll be out of it soon enough.

Just to add soft play isn’t compulsory if you can’t trust him there don’t go for a while. Lots of other places to burn off energy eg trampoline place you can be near him.

You have to repeatedly deal with these childlike behaviours, just talking calmly, and trying so stop any pushing, biting, slapping and any other such things. It means you have always got to be on your guard at all times, but has to be done,until the child gets the message.

we tell him no and explain we use kind hands. He just laughs and says “I want to push”.

So what's your response here?

The "we use kind hands" comes across as being a bit ineffectual if he does it again.
What do you do when he says he wants to push? Or when it does it again?

He needs to see that his action has consequences. If all you do is say "no, we use kind hands" then he probably sees it as a great attention getter and not anything to worry about.

You said you took him home early, but it was also just before you went anyway. If he's doing it regularly then try leaving as soon as he does it. He'll get the message quickly enough-you may only need to do it once.

Before you arrive, you say to him. "Use your kind hands. If you don't we will go home."
And go immediately he does something. That way he associates it. If you let him do it a couple of times before you act, you'll confuse him. He'll not know whether he'd going to get a reaction or not. He'll, believe it or not, be far more settled and comfortable if he knows that push=leaving than if he knows push = sometimes mummy saying "kind hands" and sometimes we go home and sometimes mummy says we'll go home if you do it again...

Yes so what do you say to ‘I want to push.’ That’s key.
Look I am quite a stern parent.

• at that age you set expectations before you leave the house. If you do X then Y will happen. And I want to see you be kind etc.
• lots of praise for when he gets it right. Lots of specific praise. ‘you did x instead of doing us. You made a really good choice etc.’
• My response would have been to say: absolutely not. We don’t hit/push. I told you before we left. So we are going to do Y (remove and sit far away) and no interaction. Make things as boring as possible.
• I would leave the kind hands and empathy conversation for when the situation is not fraught. That’s the bigger picture. In the moment you do want him to stop doing it and listen.
• in my head I think there is some value in kids learning that sometimes no is a no (and is not going to be followed by a long explanation) and they need to do what’s being asked of them. As they grow older and more mature the boundaries of that can be relaxed a bit further.

I think you're overthinking it.

He pushes someone. You say no. You pick him up and you leave.

He's three. He hasn't really got the whole here is what you're doing, it's not nice for other people, you need to be kind thing. Some kids do get this type of disciplining at 3, but if your child doesn't, you need to change your approach.

If your dog tried to take your food or push into a child...you would start explaining 'kind paws' you just say no (simple) and move away. Try it with your child. When he gets to the point where he asks 'why?" then start explaining 'kind hands'

I think its cause and effect when they are this age. My DS used to poke children in the eye. He was removed either just before or after it happened each and every time.he would scream blue murder.

I would go straight home. And home is boring just sitting down colouring or with a book. The book the other poster mentioned sounds good.

It is a phase and it will pass.

@Halloumiandtomatosalad

I feel like a bad parent and we’re going to end up lonely and isolated soon.

No you're not! He's little. It happens. They learn

Phases pass.

@Halloumiandtomatosalad

Thanks for all the replies.

It’s difficult to do the helicopter parenting in soft play, I am with him 98% of the time, but there are parts that I struggle to get up to, like the very top before the big tube slide. Made for kids, not adults who aren’t slim!

I think he has a lot of energy , we take him on long walks, we have a balance bike for him, but he doesn’t like it.
We’ve got him a scooter for his birthday though. So hoping that’ll be something he enjoys and wants to go on.

Agree with a PP, maybe avoid soft play and look at parks, trampolines, play groups etc where it's flat. It's totally solvable without being isolated

I agree with others, maybe avoid soft play for a little bit. Both of mine were nervous in soft plays so we avoided when they wanted someone with them at the top of big slides etc and just went elsewhere. Playgroups could work where it's a bit more formal with a structure but easy to step in if there's a problem. Parks good for burning off energy.

If you can't trust him at soft play he doesn't go to soft play. You're just going to be stressed, and he'll feel that tension and play up. It won't be forever (hopefully... if you stop him doing it now).

If he pushes someone at the top of the slide, you stand at the bottom and hoik him out as soon as he gets down - immediate reaction.

I agree you need to find something for him to push, if he doing likes it. My son really likes hitting things, and often hits my precious plants (and gets told off and taken inside). So now we get a nice big stick from the woods, and he can hit the trees in the woods but not mummy's plants.

My son used to do this. I used to make him sit with me for 5 minutes the first time and give him a clear warning and direction of consequence ‘if you hurt anyone again we are going home’ Once he then proceeded to push someone down the slide; we went home. We’d been in soft play for 20 minutes but he quickly learnt his lesson.

In terms of it being embarrassing, I think as long as you're acknowledging it to other parents (I am so sorry - he's going through a phase at the moment and I'm trying to sort it out) then it shouldn't be embarrassing. I think people mind far more if you ignore it or try to brush it off.

You need to be there to stop him before he does it. If he tries to push someone, you physically block him from doing so and tell him 'I will not allow you to push'. If that means you have to be standing over his shoulder while he is playing with other children, that is what you do.

This. If they raise an arm to move to push or hit, you have to be ready to hold their hand or arm firmly and say calmly "I will not allow you to hit." It's the most annoying method for the parent as it requires a few weeks of shit play dates etc while you hover over them continuously, but it works the fastest in terms of rapidly instilling the message that hitting etc will not be tolerated.

in my head I think there is some value in kids learning that sometimes no is a no (and is not going to be followed by a long explanation) and they need to do what’s being asked of them.

This. We have to keep our kids safe & ensure they interact safely with the world around them, and that means they need to know that no means no even when you dont have time to explain.