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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to go to the gym?

95 replies

LaMadrilena · 31/08/2021 10:14

Current situation: I'm on mat leave with DD aged 13 weeks. DH is working as well as doing practically all housework, and has always done more than his fair share of this. DD is EBF, feeding roughly every hour or hour and a half during the day and will only nap on me, so it's hard to get anything else done. I don't really see anyone other than DH as I don't know anyone in our town other than my SIL, and I'm going nuts with the boredom and loneliness.

Up till 37w pregnant I was doing a HIIT class twice a week at 7am, and I'm desperate to get back. I'm hardly moving ATM due to DD's feeding habits, and I'm craving the social side too. The potential problem is leaving DD with DH - she's fine with him until she needs comforting or feeding, and then only I will do. The few times I've slipped out of the house for an hour tops she has cried till she's gone purple. She won't take a bottle, although I'm working on it.

My worry is that DD will start screaming as soon as I leave and won't stop for an hour and a half, while DH is trying to get ready to leave for work at 08.40. He's supportive of the idea so far, because he knows how frustrated I am, but I think he's probably not looking forward to it. I'd be leaving at 06.45 and back at 08.15.
I could try a different time slot, but ideally I'd like to rejoin my original group as there was a really good relationship there with the others and the trainer.

So the AIBU isn't because DH isn't willing/able to look after DD, it's because it might just be a real stress for them both.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Alternista · 31/08/2021 11:01

I think it’s unfair on them both to go from 0-60 like that, esp as your DH then has to go straight to work.

I’d do HIIT at home or a short run during the same time slot for a couple of weeks first. Build your fitness back up AND her ability to go a bit longer between feeds and settle with someone other than you.

Feckauras · 31/08/2021 11:04

Got for it. I did similar many years ago. I really needed it. It was so beneficial to my mental health, never mind my physical. It is really important that you get some breathing space for yourself; it is grand to leave your baby for 1 hour 1/2, anyone who says any different needs to wise up, your husband is also a parent to this baby. Just try and express into a bottle the night before.

Boredhimtodeath · 31/08/2021 11:04

Could you go tomorrow as a trial and ask when there about leaving her in the pram in the corner? As long as you react quickly if she disrupts it shouldn’t impact the others.

Xmasfairy86 · 31/08/2021 11:05

@SoupDragon

I think you need to work up to it. Go for a walk for half an hour first and see how it goes.

Does she like being in a sling? Can he wear her with a top of yours tucked in?

I was going to suggest a walk (or even a run!) so you can build up to more time.

SummerHouse · 31/08/2021 11:14

I am in awe of you. Go for it OP. Every chance it will be totally fine. You are leaving a baby with her father for an hour and a half to look after you physical and mental health. That's a role model mum as far as I am concerned. Some posters seem to be responding as though you are off to a spa for a month.

Sceptre86 · 31/08/2021 11:15

I think yabu at the minute. If you can't get much done with a 13 week old baby and you're the one able to breastfeed then how is your oh going to mange whilst he has to have breakfast and get ready for work? it would be very different if she was bottle fed or would take some expressed milk in a bottle, then I would think by all means go for it. The beginning part is difficult and I sympathise but think you need to be realistic and get baby used to a bottle first. Having said that, I hope you have a good session tomorrow and you never know your baby might be less fussy if you aren't there.

Starfish1021 · 31/08/2021 11:20

It’s your baby and your body. You have to pay attention to your mental and physical well-being. I used a personal trainer and took my very clingy second baby with me. But I appreciate that’s clearly not an option for you. I would leave a bottle with pumped milk, a sling and hope for the best. Have your phone on loud so he can call you. There are lots of hiit classes on YouTube that you can do at home without equipment if it doesn’t work. It won’t be like this forever. But I totally appreciate it does feel like that

Crazycatlady83 · 31/08/2021 11:32

Could your DH come to the gym with you and have the baby? Then if she gets too upset, you could be there to comfort her?

AndTime · 31/08/2021 11:33

Good luck for tomorrow, I hope it goes well!

My DS never took a bottle despite my best attempts so you have my absolute sympathy there.

Does she take a dummy? If you feed her before you go then a dummy might suffice, you will only be gone an hour and a half.

PhoboPhobia · 31/08/2021 11:33

YANBU to want to do it and I can totally understand your reasoning. Is there an evening class so your DH isn’t managing the baby while he’s getting ready for work? I think that could be quite stressful.

Otherwise, your DH sounds supportive, see how it goes. Congratulations by the way

Goldbar · 31/08/2021 11:38

I think this is absolutely 100% fine. Many women who are still breastfeeding/ expressing are back at work by 3 months and they manage to care for their babies and get ready for work at the same time. One of my friends went back at 8 weeks.

I don't think it's fair to leave your DH with nothing to give your baby if they're hungry though so I would either express a bottle or ask him to give formula.

Reallyreallyborednow · 31/08/2021 11:40

Could you take her?

I used to do a circuit class and one bloke brought his young baby, he sat in a car seat in the corner and just watched what went on. Apparently he loved all the action and movement.

You could try it, and take her out if there’s a problem?

I had a similar ebf baby and I couldn’t concentrate if I was worried about the baby at home so I did buggyfit and lots of walking as pp have said.

Also have you tried a dummy? That may help your dh soothe her.

PepsiHoover · 31/08/2021 11:44

@letmethinkaboutitfornow

You have a 3 months old baby? 🤷🏻‍♀️ Maybe wait for a couple more months and start classes which are suitable for her not you.

My babies are 6 months old, couldn’t dream of leaving them for more than a few minutes when they were 3 months old. But appreciate people’s priorities are different 😳

Well done, you win mum of the year.

I went back to work full time when my DC were six months old. I don't think they have been emotionally scarred for life.

Lazypuppy · 31/08/2021 11:44

I went back to gym classes at 3 montha, your dp needz to work on being able to settle her when you aren't in the house.you can't just be in a different room as she'll still know you are near. I think give it a go and see how they get on then see what you need to work on

Original poster

LaMadrilena · 31/08/2021 12:17

Thanks to everyone who's been supportive, whatever your opinion, I appreciate the different points of view. I only get 16w maternity leave (can add on holidays + bf leave), then DH takes over full time, so we're going to have to do this transition at some point soon anyway. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

I might suggest to the gym they start a mum + baby or postpartum class, I'm sure there'd be some interest! I'm sure DD would be entertained just sitting watching.

Meanwhile, if anyone's got any tips for coordinating pumping with a wriggly 3-m-o who feeds every hour, they'd be much appreciated!

OP posts:

Goldbar · 31/08/2021 12:32

Pump on one side while baby feeding on the other? I got on reasonably well with the haakaa pump and could usually pump a large bottle over the course of the day (though had a wriggly baby who would kick it sometimes !).

BeenAroundTheWorldAndIII · 31/08/2021 12:53

Ffs!! Would anybody be even having this discussion if the baby were bottle fed!? Nope!
I know people who've gone on mini weekends away and left baby with grandparents. Each to their own!
I don't think your being unreasonable at all. I think if you ensure baby has been given a feed before you go and normally goes an hour and a half between feeds then baby will be fine!
I've breastfed two babies so I know how you can feel tied to them. Your husband sounds great and I'm sure he will manage and find a way. Leave a bottle to try if baby seems unsettled.
I do not think your being unreasonable to leave your baby with a competent father for a short amount of time, especially if your mental health is struggling. Happy mum, happy baby!
Ps- just wish I had your motivation!! 🙈🙈

SpicyJalfrezi · 31/08/2021 12:56

I would take bets on @letmethinkaboutitfornow being a name changer. I recognise the style shall we say

@LaMadrilena I admire your motivation. Have you tried different bottles? Sorry if annoying advice. I don’t know if it might be possible to feed her before you go, perhaps.

RealBecca · 31/08/2021 13:01

Ill gentlt say that that a 13 week old wont starve if they don't eat for an hour. They will figure it out.

M0rT · 31/08/2021 13:04

I don't have a baby but just wanted to say my DM went back to work when I was 12 weeks and at 40 we get on well and I'm fairly sure she loves me
Definitely contact the gym and ask if leaving your baby in the pram would be ok, no harm in asking.

Bagamoyo1 · 31/08/2021 13:06

There’s nothing wrong with starting to exercise again, or trying to have some time to yourself to do something other than baby care. But you have to tailor it to your current situation. The fact is, you have a baby now, and so you have to compromise. It’s unreasonable to expect to return to your original group at this stage, as it makes it almost impossible for your husband to get ready for work. It would be much better to choose a different time, when he was home from work and under less time pressure. Maybe in the coming months as your baby settles, you can return to your previous class. But right now it’s not practical.
If this was a man wanting to get back to his usual gym routine while his wife desperately needed him at home, he’d be slaughtered!

makkapakka212 · 31/08/2021 13:08

Ease yourself in slowly, i was going to classes at about 7 months postpartum and then a personal trainer at 11 months, she told me my abdominal muscles had separated and I realised shouldn't have been doing sit ups

Goldbar · 31/08/2021 13:09

It’s unreasonable to expect to return to your original group at this stage, as it makes it almost impossible for your husband to get ready for work. It would be much better to choose a different time, when he was home from work and under less time pressure

This is the worst argument of the lot. Of course it's possible to get ready for work and mind a baby at the same time. Many, many people manage to do this (some even manage to get baby ready for nursery and drop them off on the way to work as well).

ShingleBeach · 31/08/2021 13:22

OP, you really are not selfish.

A wise MNer once advised me that the best time to introduce a bottle is not when the baby is hungry, because they have no idea that the bottle will solve their problem, so they will just get more upset if hungry, wanting breast, and offered an alien object.

She said wait til they are almost done feeding and let them play with the teat for a bit and after a few goes they might find out that suckling works.

However. One of mine never accepted a bottle at all.

Ask if you can take your baby and leave her in the corner. It’s worth the ask.

Any chance that your DH could accompany you to the class on his way to work, and you abandon the gym to feed if necessary? And then take Dd home?

InvisibleDragon · 31/08/2021 13:27

I don't think it's unreasonable you want to get back to doing a fitness class with the same group as before. It's clearly something you enjoyed a lot - both the social aspect and the fitness. Becoming a mum doesn't mean you have to give up everything that was important to you pre-baby; and looking after your own wellbeing will help you to be a better, more attuned mum to your baby.

Can you speak to the class instructor and maybe build up to doing the whole class for the first few weeks back? That way you can have a more gradual transition to the new routine, which might help your husband and baby find it less stressful.

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