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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Leaving ill child alone !

94 replies

kenqpr37 · 30/08/2021 21:25

I have just discovered that my 17yr old daughter resides with my ex-wife. Aware she had Covid after attending a festival but when she got home the mother moved out to her boyfriend for a week and left her alone. Called each day but only left provisions for a few days.
Just wanted to get other people's perspective on this ?

OP posts:

bigyellowtractorface · 30/08/2021 22:41

I wouldn't leave my child alone with Covid, if I could help it. Think the replies you have received are cold and uncaring. If my child was in their twenties (assuming they still lived with me) and had what can for many be extremely serious, I would stay around and look after them, until I was sure they were over it.

Did you offer to help put yourself during her illness? Offer to send extra provisions/see if she needed anything, etc?

Piffle11 · 30/08/2021 22:41

@Hekatestorch The way I read it, he found out after the event. And that’s what he’s upset about. It only happens to a few people… And what if it happens to your child? Is there gonna be any sort of comfort, when you left them alone? Oh well, it was unlikely to happen…

DancyNancy · 30/08/2021 22:43

I can understand your worry of course, as a parent. And covid can be scary. But also very mild. So it would depend on how ill she was and I'd definitely try to minimise transmission if possible. But it also depends an maturity of 17yr old! I was v mature. My dd at 17 wouldn't have coped alone for a few days even when not unwell
Was your dd OK and managing?

Hekatestorch · 30/08/2021 22:46

[quote Piffle11]@Hekatestorch The way I read it, he found out after the event. And that’s what he’s upset about. It only happens to a few people… And what if it happens to your child? Is there gonna be any sort of comfort, when you left them alone? Oh well, it was unlikely to happen…[/quote]
No they said they knew she had civid and expected the ex wife would take care of her.

They then avoided questions about how ill she was or what practical help they offered when they found out she had tested positive.

They just assumed the exwife would handle it.

Since the op wasn't offering any support, why would they be told in advance? Of how the exwife is handling it?

The OP wasn't bothered when they thought someone else would sort it. Didn't wonder how she was going to work? Or what happens of the dd declines while her mother is at work? If a quick decline is a concern, what did they do ensure the dd was cared for when the exwife was at work.

What evidence is that 17 year old get so ill, so quickly they can't call for help OR send a text? And again, what if that happened if she was at work?

Embracelife · 30/08/2021 22:46

She s 17
If she needed you she would say
She is not a baby

BoredZelda · 30/08/2021 22:47

I’ve just found out that my DD had Covid the other week and her dad left her alone to go and live with his girlfriend, well I think the responses would’ve been very different.

Not the same situation. What is key here is that the mum is the primary parent and has made a decision based on her knowledge of her child. The same responses would be made if it were a dad who were the primary parent.

OP, I assume you’re on your way to collect her, given you’re so concerned about her welfare?

Hankunamatata · 30/08/2021 22:50

So your wife left your 17 year old isolating at home and stayed with bf to avoid getting covid. You.maxe your statement deliberately inflammatory. As long as the mum check.in daily, dropped food off then I dont see the issue

Piffle11 · 30/08/2021 22:51

@Hekatestorch Surely the ex should have asked for help, or told the Op that she was leaving, rather than just leaving? And can you not understand that this disease affects people differently? I’m at a loss to understand why you think that every 17-year-old is affected in the same way!

grandmashotdoodlebugs · 30/08/2021 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

WaitinginVain · 30/08/2021 22:58

@Piffle11 I read it exactly the same as you and agree with everything you've said.
At any age it's good to have someone around when you're ill, for reassurance if nothing else.
And your child is still your child, no matter how old they are.

Hekatestorch · 30/08/2021 22:58

[quote Piffle11]@Hekatestorch Surely the ex should have asked for help, or told the Op that she was leaving, rather than just leaving? And can you not understand that this disease affects people differently? I’m at a loss to understand why you think that every 17-year-old is affected in the same way![/quote]
Why should they have to ask for help?

The op couldn't offer to drop provisions round? See of the dd wanted to stay with them? Offer help since they knew the ex wife would need to work?

The op can just assume 'exwife will sort it I don't have to do anything. But kick off when it's not done my way'.

I don't think every 17 year old will be impacted the same. But its been over 18 months. You said 'it does happen', but can't say how many times it happened. In 18 months, if its never happened I think its fairly safe bet its not going to happen with this 17 year old. You were either one that claimed its happened.

You also refuse to answer, if the decline be so quick that the dd can't call for help, what happens when the mother is at work .

If a fast decline is ops concern, what help did they offer while they mother was at work? Or did they just assume she wouldn't go to work.

Why would the ex wife tell her ex how she is deciding to deal with it, when they weren't that fussed. Just assumed she would deal with it. She is dealing with it. Just not how op wants.

Summerfun54321 · 30/08/2021 23:02

As a nurse, your ex is in a good position to understand how ill your dd is and understand what help she does or doesn’t need. If health care professionals can’t assist over the phone with medical care then we’re all fucked as GPs and 111 are doing just this.

mafted · 30/08/2021 23:06

Called each day but only left provisions for a few days.
Does this mean the DD didn't have enough food etc for the week?

It seems harsh to me. Although my friends brother made his 11 year old isolate in their basement granny flat when his bubble burst at school.

roxisolerenshaw · 30/08/2021 23:06

My children are older than your daughter and I absolutely would not leave them alone if they had Covid.

azimuth299 · 30/08/2021 23:07

I couldn't get too excited about this... surely at 17 she can take care of herself when ill? Yes it would be nice for her to be fussed over a bit but I'm sure her mum didn't want to catch it herself. Was she even that poorly with it? What would you imagine that your ex would need to do for her?

Piffle11 · 30/08/2021 23:09

@Hekatestorch It looks as though you are seeing what you want to see… I’m not saying the OP’s ex should have asked for help: what I’m saying is she should have said’, ‘DD has Covid and I need to isolate, can you step in?’ From what the Op has said, this never happened. In fact, I think he didn’t realise what was going on until after the event. What he is saying is he wish he had known. Funnily enough, I don’t have all the data regarding how many 17-year-olds have fallen desperately ill… Strange that, isn’t it? But what I do know, is that anybody, of any age, can be seemingly fine one minute, and be taken really seriously ill the next. There was a story on the BBC website the other day about a 17-year-old girl who had taken seriously ill with Covid, even though she had had her first jab. None of us know how this infection will affect us. Yes, the young are generally less affected… But what if this one child is the one that takes badly? Would it be any comfort to think, oh well, kids of her age are usually okay? Of course not. What I am saying is, if it were my child, I would certainly not leave her alone. And I am reading it as though the OP did not realise his daughter had been left alone until after the event. I am presuming the Op is a man, of course, OP could be a woman.

Piffle11 · 30/08/2021 23:12

@WaitinginVain I think we’re in the minority here.

Christmasfairy2020 · 30/08/2021 23:13

Can I also add that at 15 my mum who was having an affair at the time. I was very ill i fainted in meadowhall and was been sick - got bus home btw. I made my own gp appointment and asked my mum to take me to the doctors. Her response was "I'm not here to mop your fevered brow". She She take me btw after I sit and sobbed relentlessly. But other than that I managed my self. Your ex is a nurse and as others have said will speak with her and assess her speech, breathlessness etc. But your dd is growing up and doesn't need mummy for everything

GabriellaMontez · 30/08/2021 23:19

In what way is your child ill?

Jemand · 30/08/2021 23:19

When I had Covid I could easily have been left on my own - in fact at the time I was mostly busy looking after DH who had it worse than me. Certainly no-one was looking after me.

wheretoyougonow · 30/08/2021 23:20

Have you offered her to come and stay with you?

Hekatestorch · 30/08/2021 23:25

[quote Piffle11]**@Hekatestorch* It looks as though you are seeing what you want to see… I’m not saying the OP’s ex should have asked for help: what I’m saying is she should have said’, ‘DD has Covid and I need to isolate, can you step in?’ From what the Op has said, this never happened. In fact, I think he didn’t realise what was going on until after the event. What he is saying is he wish he had* known. Funnily enough, I don’t have all the data regarding how many 17-year-olds have fallen desperately ill… Strange that, isn’t it? But what I do know, is that anybody, of any age, can be seemingly fine one minute, and be taken really seriously ill the next. There was a story on the BBC website the other day about a 17-year-old girl who had taken seriously ill with Covid, even though she had had her first jab. None of us know how this infection will affect us. Yes, the young are generally less affected… But what if this one child is the one that takes badly? Would it be any comfort to think, oh well, kids of her age are usually okay? Of course not. What I am saying is, if it were my child, I would certainly not leave her alone. And I am reading it as though the OP did not realise his daughter had been left alone until after the event. I am presuming the Op is a man, of course, OP could be a woman.[/quote]
You are just making stuff up.

Op assumed the exwife would sort it. She us sorting it.

Had the OP actually, been involved in ensuring his DD was OK, they would have known. Instead they just 'assumed' and now are judging.

When you are separated you can't assume, the other parent is doing something in the way you want them to, while absolving yourself of all responsibility.

If you don't have the data, why post 'it does happen'. Again a 17 year old getting ill does not mean, the 17 year old in this case would go from ok to unable to call for help in minutes and unable to calm for help.

Is that really how you live you life? What of your child was the very first out of all the thousands of 17 year old to be badly impacted?

So no University? No getting themselves to college, because what of they are the one that doesn't get there in one piece? Never alone, in case they choke?

I had a friend who died of SADS, I don't have sleep alarms incase my 17 year old stops breathing.

You refuse to answer what would happen if she suddenly declined while the exwife was at work? Because you can't.

This isn't a concern of Ops or they would have offered to stay their dd while she is at work.

Op, only found out after the fact because they completely absolved themselves of any responsibility. They assumed the exwife would sort it. Didn't enquire of she was going to work? Didn't enquire if they needed anything. Just an assumption that they didn't have to do anything.

But then can jump up and down and judge the call the exwife made. Yep seems reasonable

Anon778833 · 30/08/2021 23:26

@kenqpr37

Think I would pay someone to take her on so jealousy paid no part at ill. In fact it was me who left the marriage and pay generous allowances.

Aha generous allowances

Any single mum on here (including me) will no exactly what the subtext behind this is.

Anon778833 · 30/08/2021 23:26

Will know*

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 30/08/2021 23:27

I have just had a 17 year old with it and no, I wouldn't have moved out in those early days. They can still have very nasty symptoms, bad headaches, fevers, one of my friend's children has vomited a lot. They need four hourly painkillers, lots of fluids and monitoring to make sure they are ok. I don't think a daily phone call is enough really. They are semi-independent, but heavily reliant on parents, so I would trust a that age teen to go to a festival, but if they got into trouble, or were ill or distressed, I would go and get them.

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