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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving ill child alone !

94 replies

kenqpr37 · 30/08/2021 21:25

I have just discovered that my 17yr old daughter resides with my ex-wife. Aware she had Covid after attending a festival but when she got home the mother moved out to her boyfriend for a week and left her alone. Called each day but only left provisions for a few days.
Just wanted to get other people's perspective on this ?

OP posts:
Original poster
kenqpr37 · 30/08/2021 22:10

Think I would pay someone to take her on so jealousy paid no part at ill. In fact it was me who left the marriage and pay generous allowances.

OP posts:
manymoonsandgoats · 30/08/2021 22:11

So your daughter can have sex, get married, join the military etc.... but can not look after herself when ill- also went to a festival so knew there was a chance of this happening. Jog on

LadyCarolineDester · 30/08/2021 22:12

Your daughter is old enough to fend for herself and might not have been very ill. Young people tend to have fewer symptoms. Her mother was checking on her regularly and provided food.

Your ex wife is a nurse and needs to not be ill herself, or pass the virus to her patients.

So I think that’s all fair enough.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 30/08/2021 22:12

OP we are all dying to know what you've done for your dd who has Covid?

Hekatestorch · 30/08/2021 22:14

@kenqpr37

Think I would pay someone to take her on so jealousy paid no part at ill. In fact it was me who left the marriage and pay generous allowances.
I am going to assume the 17 year old, isn't very ill. Because you aren't answering.

And for the same reason, assume you offered not practical help.

Its clear, this is about your view of your ex wife. You can't stand her, hold her to standards you don't keep yourself to and expect her to live her life how you think she should, because you pay 'generous allowances' most of which will actually be forever your daughter.

captainpillows · 30/08/2021 22:14

@kenqpr37

Think I would pay someone to take her on so jealousy paid no part at ill. In fact it was me who left the marriage and pay generous allowances.
So why didnt you put your money where your mouth is then? Ex wife has done the sensible thing here. Unless gravely unwell, removing herself but keeping regular contact is exactly how she should have behaved.
Beowoulf · 30/08/2021 22:15

Your ex wife is a nurse, IMO she's being responsible by keeping away so she doesn't make any of her patients or fellow nurses and doctors ill. Your DD will be fine. You both can check up on her regularly and deliver her necessities.

Piffle11 · 30/08/2021 22:16

Can’t believe how flippant people are being on here about your DD being left alone… Has no one read the stories about people seemingly being okay with Covid, only to rapidly deteriorate? Checking in on someone is not the same as being there – you could be checking in on someone every couple of hours, only to have them collapse between calls, struggling for breath … it’s not so easy to text for help when you’re gasping for breath. I know this sounds melodramatic, but it does happen. I would have thought a nurse of all people would have realised how quickly the situation can change with Covid. I know of a family who is 17-year-old caught Covid: they didn’t move out, they just isolated from him whilst in the house. It is perfectly possible to do. Really surprised by the amount of people who would seemingly be happy to leave their 17-year-old to get on with it alone.

hayley013 · 30/08/2021 22:16

Exactly what @Hekatestorch said!

manymoonsandgoats · 30/08/2021 22:16

A 'generous allowance' is being paid most probably because your ex gave up her career to be there for your daughter so you could go far in your job.
I suggest you read the room and give your head a wobble.

CheshireChat · 30/08/2021 22:17

It might not be ideal, but it depends whether your DD was actually ill.

My 6yo hardly noticed he had covid so of he'd been older, I could've left him just.

I also had severe pneumonia around the same age and my mum still had to go to work. It's life.

pleaseletthecatout · 30/08/2021 22:17

A young person, who has no prior health issues has very little to fear from covid. She could have summoned help if she wasn't confident she could manage.

Orla1970 · 30/08/2021 22:18

You sound charming. So what’s your relationship like with your daughter? She is 17. Did she not tell you she tested positive at the time? What was your input going to be? Or did you assume “the ex” “she” was going to do all the caring given she is a nurse?

Beckhamsmetatarsal · 30/08/2021 22:18

Have her at yours if you're that bothered, or go look after her.

I imagine she left because the chances of your 17yo being ok and surviving covid are higher than her vulnerable patients if she gives them it.

Hekatestorch · 30/08/2021 22:19

@Piffle11 how many 17 year old with no other health issues has this happened to?

Lunde · 30/08/2021 22:19

So your 17 year old "child" is old enough to fend for herself at a festival for several days but not to be home on her own?

Surely it is better for everyone that your nurse-ex does not get pinged by track and trace? Or are you just looking for a stick to beat the ex with at this "concern" over a "child"

FrankButchersDickieBow · 30/08/2021 22:21

So your daughter didn't even send you a text to tell you she was home alone with covid? Does that not tell you that she thought she was okay?

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/08/2021 22:24

You presumed your ex would look after your dd. Righto. Didn’t hear you offer to to look after her yourself so that a nurse during a pandemic could work then?

WaitinginVain · 30/08/2021 22:29

I can't imagine doing this.
Trying to imagine the replies if it was "my husband moved out for a week while I had Covid" .
Young, unvaccinated people absolutely can be quite ill with it.
And 17 is still a child.

Piffle11 · 30/08/2021 22:33

@Hekatestorch are you seriously saying that you would be willing to risk it? I wouldn’t. There’s always a first, isn’t there? There’s an ITV report online about 16/17 year olds becoming increasingly at risk of illness.

Leaving ill child alone !
Hekatestorch · 30/08/2021 22:34

@WaitinginVain

I can't imagine doing this. Trying to imagine the replies if it was "my husband moved out for a week while I had Covid" . Young, unvaccinated people absolutely can be quite ill with it. And 17 is still a child.
But she appears not to be.

He hasn't mentioned anything about her being very ill. Or not wanting to be alone.

AND he has done nothing. Just expected the ex wife to do it all.

And if someone posted that their husband moved out because they tested positive and their husband, was a nurse I would say what I am saying now.

Tons of nurses and NHS staff moved out of their homes for months. To protect their families but also, because if they caught it off family and couldn't work patients would be more in danger.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 30/08/2021 22:38

How did you find out she'd been left alone? Did your DD tell you in passing or because she was upset about it?

As for the "I was living alone at 16 so every other 16/17 year old should be happy to do so" type comments, fuck off. It's not usual to be living alone at 16 is it!

If this was a post saying a woman had covid and her husband had buggered off for the week posters would be telling her what a shit he is. But yes a potentially unwell teenager is fine to be left alone for the week 🙄

Hekatestorch · 30/08/2021 22:38

[quote Piffle11]@Hekatestorch are you seriously saying that you would be willing to risk it? I wouldn’t. There’s always a first, isn’t there? There’s an ITV report online about 16/17 year olds becoming increasingly at risk of illness.[/quote]
What are you talking about?

You said you might sound melodramatic but it does happen.

I asked how many times has it happened?

A couple of teenagers needing ice treatment doesn't mean that there's a risk of 17 years declining so quickly they can't call for help?

I thought nhs staff didn't need to isolate if double jabbed and had a close contact? Surely this fast decline could happen whole she was at work?

Again, what did op do when he heard is dd had covid. Except assume her mother would stay home?

Piffle11 · 30/08/2021 22:39

The thing with Covid, none of us knows how it would affect us. Seemingly healthy people are dying, and people that you think may struggle with it are dealing with it just fine. I really don’t think I would be prepared to chance it with my child. And at 17, they are still children. They may be almost adults, but they’re not quite there yet. I think it is pretty obvious from the OP’s posts that English is not their first language, and they are getting muddled up. I think people are being unnecessarily harsh. I think if someone had come on here and said, I’ve just found out that my DD had Covid the other week and her dad left her alone to go and live with his girlfriend, well I think the responses would’ve been very different.

TartanJumper · 30/08/2021 22:40

The majority of 17 year olds won't be ill, and I assume if she did feel very unwell your ex wife would have gone to her?
I don't see the issue here. She wasn't left to starve and isn't a small child.