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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect some money back

83 replies

Bonezzz4 · 30/08/2021 21:24

Partner is unwell, he has Covid and we dont live together. I’m buying him bits and pieces everyday, food, getting takeaways and cooking food for him also travelling to his sometimes twice a day to give him items. It’s clocking up money wise. AIBU to want some money from him going forwards?

OP posts:

Original poster

Bonezzz4 · 30/08/2021 22:41

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe- nooooo but no money is spare money these days. I’m not broke but not rich. Money can be put away to save etc

OP posts:

TheChip · 30/08/2021 22:46

Stop buying him food. Simple. If he chooses to not eat anything, that's on him. Let him know that you won't be bringing food on your next visit due to lack of funds so he can sort himself out.
He is a grown adult, ill or not.

If I chose to do what you're doing it would be by choice, not with an expectation of being given money to do it.

After 3 years though, you should be able to say "hey dave. I'm out of spare cash to be able to buy your grub. You will have to give me your card/money next time I'm over so I can grab bits and bobs, or you can just order your own stuff of thats easier"

Takenoprisoner · 30/08/2021 22:50

Why can he not order takeaways?

sleepyhoglet · 30/08/2021 23:17

I would say don't buy takeaway etc. Cooking simple meals for two and ensuring he has a portion shouldnt cost too much. Making sure he has basics like milk and loo roll also don't cost much. I would pay for these things because that's a friendly and kind thing to do but I wouldn't be making the extravagant eg takeaway purchases unless he requested and then I would raise the issue of money

Snowfalling · 30/08/2021 23:21

@Bonezzz4

phishy- I’ve been ill and given him my bank card and he took it. He does try to not pay for things sometimes if we’re out.

Honestly, stop paying for him op, doubt you'll see any money back. He's been taking advantage for a while, it won't stop now.

Seesawmummadaw · 30/08/2021 23:27

Poor guy! He’s unwell!
Stop pretending to care by getting stuff but inside being angry at him.
Talk to him. ‘Hey partner of 3 years who isn’t a mind reader, I need some money’.

Cocomarine · 30/08/2021 23:35

Why on EARTH do you need to travel to him twice a day, and even shop daily? What the hell are you buying him?!

He’s got Covid so you can’t even be providing company.

So why would you have done any more than a weekly shop for him?

This is nuts.

Plus, no fucking way would I stay with someone with firm for wriggling out of paying.

You sound desperate to run around after him, and put up with shit from him 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why?

phishy · 30/08/2021 23:37

@Cocomarine

Why on EARTH do you need to travel to him twice a day, and even shop daily? What the hell are you buying him?!

He’s got Covid so you can’t even be providing company.

So why would you have done any more than a weekly shop for him?

This is nuts.

Plus, no fucking way would I stay with someone with firm for wriggling out of paying.

You sound desperate to run around after him, and put up with shit from him 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why?

Because he sulks and doesn’t eat because he’s ‘stubborn’ so OP feels obliged to go and cook for him or provide food. He really is a twat.

Cocomarine · 30/08/2021 23:40

He wouldn’t eat, @Bonezzz4 ?

You REALLY think that?

You don’t. Nobody is that thick. You don’t really think he’d actually waste away without you going round TWICE in a day. What has made you so desperate?

TeachesOfPeaches · 30/08/2021 23:44

He can order a takeaway and a food shop even if he has COVID, but if you're offering to do that all for him then I guess he won't say no.

Starseeking · 30/08/2021 23:52

Don't martyr yourself OP, just ask him for his bank card next time.

Original poster

Bonezzz4 · 30/08/2021 23:55

Thanks for some of the advice on here. Will take some of it on board. I guess I was trying to make up for not actually being able to go in and help Take care of him. I think he secretly would like some in house support. Will support him to do an shop online I think

OP posts:

PigletJohn · 30/08/2021 23:56

You can say "Have you got the money for these groceries? "

If he is really ill, he might not have thought.

You can still buy him lucozade, or grapes, or chocolate cake, as a present.

SRS29 · 30/08/2021 23:56

OP this is mumsnet not kidsnet

Cocomarine · 30/08/2021 23:58

Thanks for some of the advice?
You’ll take some of it on board?

Would love to know in what what you’re going to support him to do an online shop.

What part does he need support with?
What a catch!

You’re going to just gloss over his tendency to avoid paying when out, too? 🤨

BlancheB · 31/08/2021 00:00

Please stop paying for his takeaways. What are his symptoms exactly? He sounds like he's taking the piss and I wouldn't be helping him with an online shop either. It sounds like you do too much for him as it is.

TheChip · 31/08/2021 00:15

Why are you with a man who seems incapable of looking after himself? He needs support to do online shopping? He won't eat if meals aren't brought to him. What is going on? Lol

billy1966 · 31/08/2021 07:54

@Bonezzz4

phishy- I’ve been ill and given him my bank card and he took it. He does try to not pay for things sometimes if we’re out.

So he's mean and using his "illness" to pull a fast one?

Three years you have spent with someone who is a CF and tries to get out of paying his share?

You need to tot up what he owes you and get it back and dump him.

Why are you wasting time with a mean man?

Ijustreallywantacat · 31/08/2021 08:50

I think seeing as he hasn't asked you to do any of this stuff then he can be forgiven really. Just speak up next time! Ask for cash towards it, do a bit of it online or all of it. Spend a bit of the cash on a little care package later on maybe!

Doing nice things for people is great but if your intent is bad, or it's causing resentment, something has change.

PigletJohn · 31/08/2021 11:42

You can say "Have you got the money for the groceries?"

And you should do it now.

I would hope he has the decency to apologise for not offering earlier, but that is an additional matter.

I would certainly be embarrassed if I'd forgotten to pay someone for doing my shopping.

WeBuiltThisCityOnSausageRolls · 06/09/2021 20:09

Yeah. He's mooching off of you...

Give him the receipts and ask him to pay you back

I have little time for an adult who ought pay his own food who expects a mother with DCs to fund him. You - are- not- his- mother! He is a grown ass man!!!

KentuckyCriedFricken · 06/09/2021 20:11

Why are you takings twice a day? Does he go shopping twice a day at other times?

GertietheGherkin · 06/09/2021 20:14

[quote MyPatronusIsACat]@Bonezzz4

gardeninggirl68- working and fitting him in. Then going back late evening to drop evening meal. It’s not sustainable. I’m tired.

Been together 3 years

I hate to be THAT person, but to be honest, it doesn't sound like you like him very much.

You sound rather resentful towards him because you are 'having' to help him, (as well as having to sub him/pay for stuff.)

A couple who have been together 3 years should not be feeling this way IMO.

This relationship isn't going anywhere. If you loved him, you wouldn't be moaning and sighing, and resenting helping him and caring for him. Sounds like he is a nuisance to you to be perfectly honest.

If you live together, have kids etc, you are NEVER going to cope if you're losing your shit already! End the relationship. Do him - AND yourself a favour.[/quote]
I have to admit this went through my mind too as I read the OP. It kind of jumps out very clearly.

KentuckyCriedFricken · 06/09/2021 20:23

Just seen the part about he song eat if OP doesn’t bring him food. WTF??? He’s not a toddler. He’s an adult. If you don’t go he won’t drop dead if malnutrition or starvation. He’ll either rifle through the cupboards of play freezer roulette and come up with something or he’ll order from Tesco to be delivered. He didn’t die of starvation before you came onto the scene. He survived all those years before he met you. If he can get up to open the door for you he can get up to open the door for a Tesco delivery person.

Arguably he should be eating fresh food anyway if he’s not well. All those takeaways can’t be doing him any good. Or your bank account.

QueenBee52 · 06/09/2021 20:34

@WeBuiltThisCityOnSausageRolls

Yeah. He's mooching off of you...

Give him the receipts and ask him to pay you back

I have little time for an adult who ought pay his own food who expects a mother with DCs to fund him. You - are- not- his- mother! He is a grown ass man!!!

Yip..

big Moooocher

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