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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Commute time

127 replies

Rhinothunder · 30/08/2021 20:40

Just wondering what the longest door to door commute time people think is bearable 5 days per week? Looking to move but would require a bug commute for my husband and not sure what is reasonable. Thanks

OP posts:
Newnormal99 · 31/08/2021 08:14

@Rhinothunder

We want to move somewhere more remote so he won't ever be able to walk to the station. Blush

For his current office Victoria is closer by distance but actually not more convenient than Waterloo (would still need to get on tube). So Not many other ways to reduce the number of "legs", except not to move! Confused

Yes I fully appreciate life is for the living etc.

I know it isa lot to ask for 8 years, but equally we want to move so that the children have a different childhood and not grow up in a city. So if we wait for him to not need to commute the eldest will be uni age! Which also defeats the point of moving.

He says it is fine - it's me worrying on his behalf that's motivated this thread!

Basically I'm super interested to hear people's views and especially views from those who have done something similar and if it was OK or not

So far its been really helpful although I reamin completely confused!Grin

Victoria to green park is easily walkable. I used to walk green park to the Euston Road at around 6.30/7 in the morning and it's a lovely start to the day.
BatshitCrazyWoman · 31/08/2021 08:18

I live in London, Zone 6. My literal door to door including a 17 minute walk to the station, is an hour and 25 minutes. It's fine. I've lived nearer to central London and it's only taken 15 minutes less. I think an hour is pretty normal for a commute.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 31/08/2021 08:22

Mine is a smidge over an hour and it's only just doable on grounds that a) I only do it 3 days a week and b) I work very 9-5, never stay late/go early.

I have a couple of colleagues who do longer and it's not great for their home life. More than an hour and if you are working in a demanding city job where people often do 8-6 you are essentially at work or travelling to it more hours a day than you are at work.

InvisibleDragon · 31/08/2021 08:27

A train commute where he can sit down and read / work on the train is ok. Not so nice if the train is full and you have to stand. Personally, I dislike a long commute, so anything that is over 45 minutes on paper is too much for me, but if I had to do something long, I'd choose to have the bulk of it sitting on a train.

Because the distance to the train at each end is quite short, I might suggest getting a folding bike - so that he can cycle to the train on days when the weather is good. 15 min biking Waterloo to Green park is much nicer than cramming into a tube.

I would definitely test it out first though. Can you all / he take a week's vacation to that area and he commutes in to give it a live test. You might find something that needs to be taken into account (congestion on a specific road, station parking) buy which can be sorted if you are aware of it before moving.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 31/08/2021 08:30

Also from comments about paying mortgage etc it kind of sounds like maybe you are trying to pull off the "london salary, rural mortgage" trick.

In my experience it rarely works. Ths commute always takes a bit longer, and within 2 or 3 years the London worker inevitably wants to return to a more normal commute. Having left london it's hard to get back there, property price wise, so what often ends up happening is the city worker moves to a lower paid local role and you are stuck with a millstone mortgage based on a london wage.

It can work if by then kids are older and second parent goes to longer hours/higher pay to make up the difference.

icedcoffees · 31/08/2021 08:34

I think you need a plan for what you'll do if it starts having a really negative impact on him/you a couple of years in.

When I first started my last job I loved the commute - but after two summers of dealing with awful tourist traffic and two winters of getting home in the dark and dealing with snow, icy roads and rural roads not being gritted (something you need to bare in mind if you're going to live quite remotely), I was sick to my back teeth of it.

It was long, tiring and finishing work stopped being something I looked forward to as I knew I had a hellish commute to face on top of it. It's also worth considering the impact it has when it comes to your social life - both his, yours and your time as a couple.

Sceptre86 · 31/08/2021 08:36

I did this pre marriage and it was tiring but I was young and could manage. I had no other expectations on me, lived at home, meals were cooked, clothes washed. The most I did in the week was wash dishes and clean the kitchen. I would help out with chores on my day off.

I wouldn't dream of doing it now as it would leave very little time to spend with my kids, be even more tiring as they will wake up in the night I'd not feeling well for example and would not have the energy to then deal with tidying up pr any other household chores.

If he is going to retire in 8-10 years is there a reason you can't stay put until then? It might be an upgrade in lifestyle for your family but not so much for him. What will be your expectations of him when he gets in from work?

Original poster
Rhinothunder · 31/08/2021 09:23

Yes we can always stay put, but in 10yrs the kids will be nearly grown up and the whole motivation for the move is to give them a more rural outdoorsy childhood so ....

Thinking is that 3 days a week he's not really around as commuting and working hard but they can do their activities etc on these days and just see him for goodnight kiss. I can get on with household chores/ garden those days then rest of time can be more focused on fun family time / our time with no obligations on his part to do chores etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Rhinothunder · 31/08/2021 09:32

If in a few years it is too awful then we ^^might be able to consider a flat in London for him to use on office days (obviously can't predict the future so don't want to assume we will be able to do this). My dad is also in London in a house so this could be an emergency option although don't want to use it regularly as it's not the ideal dynamic (get on fine, but wouldn't be relaxing iyswim)

OP posts:
MissTrip82 · 31/08/2021 10:07

If he’s done by 5 I think that’s ok.

I work between 12 and 14 hours so more than 45 minutes I have found too much. I’d be happy with longer if I worked fewer hours. Also would be happier if some of it was on the train so I could read, I have to drive where I am.

welshladywhois40 · 31/08/2021 10:09

Does he come into Waterloo now? Pre covid if he hit Waterloo at rush hour you have to queue to get to the jubilee line - often used to be closed for periods of time due to over crowding.

I noticed you said he gets in early so that wouldn't be a factor - on days when I got to Waterloo at 7.30 I could walk straight onto a jubilee tube. If you get in at 8.30 - forget it. Most times they close the jubilee entrance due to over crowding

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 31/08/2021 10:16

If you want the outdoorsy lifestyle can your DH maybe look for something nearer home, work wise?

It would mean less salary than london but should be comfortably offset by the reduction in property prices.

TheNinny · 31/08/2021 10:50

45-50 min drive. But that’s including a nursery drop off as well. 35-40 mins on days DD isn’t in nursery

TheNinny · 31/08/2021 10:51

I work Monday-Friday 8.30-5pm

ApolloandDaphne · 31/08/2021 10:55

My DH travels around 1.5 hours to his office. 15 minute drive to the station, 75 minute train journey and a 5 minute walk to the office at the other end. He can drive it in around an hour if he leaves at 6.30 am but if he leaves any later it takes 1.5 to drive. He reckons it is fine in order for us to be able to live in the town we love.

NotYourCupOfTea · 31/08/2021 11:02

Depends on your dh
I wouldn’t want a commute more than an hour absolutely max
My dh does 1.5/ 2hrs each way 5 days a week and loves it catches up on podcasts etc but my idea of hell!!

NotYourCupOfTea · 31/08/2021 11:06

But do it worse case it doesn’t work and you need a plan b but he sounds like my dh in that it doesn’t bother him so it sounds fine Smile

NotYourCupOfTea · 31/08/2021 11:06

Ps has been doing that for 6 years (well 5 take out covid)

ErickBroch · 31/08/2021 11:07

When I commuted to London it was around 1hr 20 - 1hr 30 min door to door, including trainx2 and walking.

ErickBroch · 31/08/2021 11:08

Never had an issue with it. Usually just sleep or read on the long train journey. Podcasts for the walk/tube.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 31/08/2021 11:18

To be honest it sounds like slave labour for your husband. But maybe he is a workaholic and doesn't mind not seeing much of family during the week? I am genuinely not being snide here, but having done a similar commute it seems like you and the kids are getting most of the benefits to this. But YMMV, if you are all happy with the arrangement that's great! I don't mind a medium sized commute myself, I do about 40 mins each way on the bus wnere i read and listen to podcasts etc. But doubling that commute is an entirely different kettle of fish.

Original poster
Rhinothunder · 31/08/2021 11:28

What does YMMV mean? Yes agreed the upside is mostly for kids and myself for the short to medium term. We are very open about this. He says its fine, I'm more worried about it than him.

Medium to long term he hopefully will be in a different kind of job that doesn't require a commute.

OP posts:
burritofan · 31/08/2021 11:34

Hmmm. My parents did this by accident – moved for a rural role that then got made redundant, so my dad had to find something. He worked very far away (several different jobs) for a number of years. He managed by being a lodger and staying overnight, and just doing one day a week commuting, and being home at weekends, and some elements of home working.

The benefits were a very high wage that resulted in a brilliant pension and savings, and financial security for his offspring. The downside was that we saw a lot less of him! And my mother was the sole weekday parent managing lunches and uniforms and activities. In some ways this was a benefit too: we were very self sufficient very early and all did our own washing/cooked the dinner/did the clearing up, walked alone to school as soon as possible, etc. None of that freshers week “how do you cook?” student silliness. But my mum had to do long hours catching up working in the evening to manage.

Ultimately only some of us felt the benefit from the move/set-up at the time; my dad felt the benefit later, in retirement. Both my parents were very stressed for 10-15 years and their marriage was at a low ebb from the travel/absences/resentment. Think hard.

wendz86 · 31/08/2021 11:39

Mines around 1.5 hours door to door, used to do it 4 days a week but only have to 2 days a week now. It is tiring so i would avoid if you can.

jay55 · 31/08/2021 11:44

The worst was close to 2 hours each way, it was only for six months and I'd not do it again. It felt like my life was just work, as I was too tired to do anything with the early starts.

Anything over an hour is a pain, but not so bad if it's single mode of transport. Being able to walk to the station at each end makes a huge difference.