To of told him not to come back

[TEH82]

So DH has been stomping around all morning as we had an argument and just went to go out o I told him not to come back.
Background is I have 2 DS (one with AHD) and he has 2 DC who we have 1 out of 2 weeks so exactly 50/50. The 50% we don’t have them my DC with AHD needs as they are loud children whose behaviour is not checked due to the coming and going to households. Once again his ex texted last night saying she is busy today so kids stay her, his DD then announced her mum told her she was doing that last week. I have spoken to DH and said we are not her babysitter and she only has them 50% and doesn’t work so she needs to sort children as we do on our days and it’s not only about her as I have a child who needs the routine and structure and yesterday DH son was particularly bad saying to my DS if he didn’t do what he wanted he would kill his mum (me) for which he was told off but no punishment for that behaviour which understandably upset my son so I want today to calm him and let him unwind.
DH then says I am stopping him having kids- we have them 50/50 and she doesn’t ask to swap or us help she is constantly telling us so it’s hard to plan/ organise and I have told him he needs to tell her these rules to which he refuses and stomps around hence why I told
Him not to come back as I can’t cope with it anymore

Sorry longer than I thought- am I being a complete horrible person to him or am I right in saying enough is enough

Fair enough. They all sounds super inconsiderate.

Is your partner otherwise wonderful and you couldn't live without him or are you constantly dreading his moods etc? If you don't get much out of the relationship, move on and enjoy the peace and quiet

I think, even if it’s just for today, it’s the right thing for all.

Long term, do you own a house together or is it in your name? As you can’t kick someone out of their own home. Would you consider divorce over this?

The house is in my name- previous awful break up so am very aware of protecting my home and children’s safe place.
My DH does alot for me and my children I can’t pretend he doesn’t but the constant crap from his ex is a lot and he doesn’t ever tell her- we asked for one extra for a holiday weeks in advance and was told no but she can’t tell us we have to change plans etc the night before- if it was give and take It would be easier but he won’t tell her no as she texts/ calls constantly until she gets her own way and I can’t live like that. I work long hours in a stressful job and am allowed time with my DC without stress and have to consider his additional needs

In that case you need to put it to him as a serious ultimatum. Fix up or get out.

@TEH82

The house is in my name- previous awful break up so am very aware of protecting my home and children’s safe place. My DH does alot for me and my children I can’t pretend he doesn’t but the constant crap from his ex is a lot and he doesn’t ever tell her- we asked for one extra for a holiday weeks in advance and was told no but she can’t tell us we have to change plans etc the night before- if it was give and take It would be easier but he won’t tell her no as she texts/ calls constantly until she gets her own way and I can’t live like that. I work long hours in a stressful job and am allowed time with my DC without stress and have to consider his additional needs

I'm not an expert but definitely seem legal advice. The house being in your name, if you're married and both living there, might not be enough to protect it for you and your children.

It’s a tenancy in my sole name not a mortgage.
I gave him an ultimatum yesterday that’s either sort it out or it won’t work and today he was stomping around after he dropped his kids back and I hadn’t done there washing- bearing in mind he had last week off and at home all weekend while I have been at work and working from home.

It sounds tough but to be honest, you should never tell anyone not to come back unless you absolutely mean it.

How would you feel if he absolutely didn't?

You two definitely need to talk this out calmly when the kids are in bed.

One too many 'absolutely's' there

Sounds like you are just the housekeeper. Best let this one go.

I think after months of telling how unhappy I am and that things need to change with no effect I don’t think I am bothered if he doesn’t come back. It’s not a one day thing and we spent so long talking about it yesterday for more of the same the next day just feels pointless talking

It’s not good for your kids, and when you add in the washing he’s treating you like an appliance. Seems a fair decision to tell him not to come back!

So, as for most men, it appears living together has numerous benefits for him and none for you.

@TEH82

I think after months of telling how unhappy I am and that things need to change with no effect I don’t think I am bothered if he doesn’t come back. It’s not a one day thing and we spent so long talking about it yesterday for more of the same the next day just feels pointless talking

But if you’re serious about this you need to sit down with him - calmly - and lay it out completely. It’s no use doing it in the middle of an argument and saying “well I’ve told him how I feel” because so many people say things in the middle of arguments that they don’t always mean. It sounds like you do mean it, but you need to make him aware that you do.

He's taking the path of least resistance. His ex makes a bigger fuss than you. And I presume you pick up most of the additional work generated by the additional childcare? So saying 'yes' to her is just easiest (for him).

This is very unfair to you, and selfish of him. You need stronger boundaries in place, and to enforce them. Unfortunately it might spell the end of your relationship once he realises you're going to stand up to him.

...and what was his reason for expecting you to do his kids laundry when he's been at home and you've been working?

I have no issue with his kids 50/50 but when we have them I cook, clean and tidy round after them all. I worked 12.5 hours Saturday and my AHD son was with my parents and nothing was done I the house he ordered takeaway pizza and the same washing I left Friday night was in the machine. I feel if he wants his kids here he should help out and do half the work involved especially considering this is my first week back from being ill with covid which has wiped me out.

What would you do if for some reason their mother couldn’t care for them anymore and your DH had to become his children’s sole carer?

I'd get him out permanently! Sounds mega stressful and not fair on your kids.

The kids being there an extra day is pretty much neither here nor there. If it was just that then that's an entirely different scenario.

The issue is he, and his kids, treat you like a housekeeper, his kids horrible to your dc without being pulled up on it at all, and him being a lazy arsehole.

What happiness does he actually bring to your life?

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@19lottie82

What would you do if for some reason their mother couldn’t care for them anymore and your DH had to become his children’s sole carer?

Apparently, become a single mother to them, as their father certainly isn't doing anything much in the way of parenting them.

Are the children with you?

Text him to collect them and change the locks.

He doesn’t parent them but goes
On that he needs to have them when he does nothing. My DC were at there dads for 2 weeks and I even had to book him an activity with them as I said he should have some one on one time with them, but wouldn’t do it unless I push

My DC are with me- his are at their mums today