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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To of told him not to come back

55 replies

TEH82 · 30/08/2021 11:58

So DH has been stomping around all morning as we had an argument and just went to go out o I told him not to come back.
Background is I have 2 DS (one with AHD) and he has 2 DC who we have 1 out of 2 weeks so exactly 50/50. The 50% we don’t have them my DC with AHD needs as they are loud children whose behaviour is not checked due to the coming and going to households. Once again his ex texted last night saying she is busy today so kids stay her, his DD then announced her mum told her she was doing that last week. I have spoken to DH and said we are not her babysitter and she only has them 50% and doesn’t work so she needs to sort children as we do on our days and it’s not only about her as I have a child who needs the routine and structure and yesterday DH son was particularly bad saying to my DS if he didn’t do what he wanted he would kill his mum (me) for which he was told off but no punishment for that behaviour which understandably upset my son so I want today to calm him and let him unwind.
DH then says I am stopping him having kids- we have them 50/50 and she doesn’t ask to swap or us help she is constantly telling us so it’s hard to plan/ organise and I have told him he needs to tell her these rules to which he refuses and stomps around hence why I told
Him not to come back as I can’t cope with it anymore

OP posts:
billy1966 · 30/08/2021 13:42

@pinkyredrose

I'd get him out permanently! Sounds mega stressful and not fair on your kids.
This.

I think it sounds as if you and your home is being used.

You need to prioritise your children.
Get him out.

You are not his skivvy.

billy1966 · 30/08/2021 13:47

Both of you are prioritising his children in your house.

You need to prioritise YOUR children in YOUR house.

This is the time to tell him to leave, now that the children are gone.

Get him Out

timeisnotaline · 30/08/2021 13:56

Don’t let him back in. I can’t believe you parent his kids AND do all the housework. And on top of that it’s difficult for your child. Ugh, what a waste of space.

GertietheGherkin · 30/08/2021 14:08

I think you have to do what's right for you and your DC.

You sound like skivvy in your own home. It's not your responsibility to do his kids laundry.

I'd let this one go. You really don't need all this stress and upset, and neither do your kids.

Original poster
TEH82 · 30/08/2021 14:38

I don’t think I can go back as the lack of discipline for a child (he is 10 by the way not 2) telling my son he would kill his mum has really unsettled my DS’s and my youngest has been super clingy and unsettled today asking why someone would say that and did he mean it and for my DH to not even give a clear punishment (like privilege withdrawal) is too far and shows his lack of respect for me, our home and anyone else in this house

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/08/2021 14:47

What a nightmare. Where’s he gone? Do you know?

You were right to tell him not to come back. Now stick to it.

billy1966 · 30/08/2021 15:07

@TEH82

I don’t think I can go back as the lack of discipline for a child (he is 10 by the way not 2) telling my son he would kill his mum has really unsettled my DS’s and my youngest has been super clingy and unsettled today asking why someone would say that and did he mean it and for my DH to not even give a clear punishment (like privilege withdrawal) is too far and shows his lack of respect for me, our home and anyone else in this house
Your poor child is traumatised by what happened.

Of course you cannot allow him in.

Can you change the key barrel so he can no longer access the house.

Does he still have keys?
Keep yours in the door or get a door chain.

Your poor child.

Tiana4 · 30/08/2021 15:24

He doesn't parent his own DCs when they are at your house?

He didn't discipline his DS10 who told your SEN DS he was going to kill you (DS's mum)? That's a horrid nasty abusive thing to say

Let alone you are having DSSs more than 50% at last minute ruining your days with DCs bc DH does nothing to parent clean up after nor occupy his own DCs even when he's off

You are being taken for a mug
Built in childcare

I'm not surprised you told DH to leave and not return. I'd be changing the locks.

(If you really want him out, consider whether to report DSS's threats to kill you to police)

Original poster
TEH82 · 30/08/2021 15:38

He said he told him off but no punishment, apology or anything and was in the hot tub 5 mins later and at 10 he knows right from wrong and I don’t believe that’s normal behaviour. DH then just said I make it all about my kids- well yes they are upset for good reason

OP posts:
SukonthaM · 30/08/2021 15:48

Fucking hell, he saw you coming didn’t he? Got himself a woman with a nice house that could accommodate his kids. A live in maid to cook and clean, wash his kids clothes and keep them entertained while he does fuck all. And the second you stand up to him and his ex you get a load of abuse. And to top it off his nasty little crotch goblins are issuing death threats and terrifying your son! Get some self respect and kick this arsehole out, your son deserves better than this.

JulesCobb · 30/08/2021 15:58

He needs to go. He just used you to replace his ex as a parent as he cant be arsed. He makes your life more difficult.

toothpicklover · 30/08/2021 16:27

Life is too short. Sounds to me like he got with you so you can be a nanny to his kids when he has them.

I would throw him out too. he sounds like a lazy prick tbh.

FlorrieLindley · 30/08/2021 16:30

Nanny, housekeeper, cleaner, laundry maid, cook - seems you fulfill all these functions but 'equal partner' doesn't figure at all.

LuaDipa · 30/08/2021 17:11

Yanbu, your dc come first on their own home. Kick him out and let him cater for his own kids.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 30/08/2021 17:19

He is taking the absolute piss.
Yet another useless dad who dumps the day to day responsibility of the woman he's with. Gets his feet under your table and suddenly you're doing his parenting and are the bad guy if you tell him he needs to take care of his children. 🙄

He should leave.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 30/08/2021 17:20

On not of

Chunkymenrock · 30/08/2021 17:21

Have, not of.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 30/08/2021 17:23

Eh?

SoupDragon · 30/08/2021 17:29

@Chunkymenrock

Have, not of.
🙄 tedious as fuck
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 30/08/2021 17:35

Oh! I just twigged it was at the op!
I corrected my post and because it came a minute later I thought they were responding to that. I've been reading my post trying to figure out where I went wrong. 🤣

AmelieLovesAutumn · 04/09/2021 08:43

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

Oh! I just twigged it was at the op! I corrected my post and because it came a minute later I thought they were responding to that. I've been reading my post trying to figure out where I went wrong. 🤣
Yeah I was confused to!! And I agree with soupdragon it IS as tedious as fuck AND nasty when someone's upset! If @Chunkymenrock wants to 'educate' people she can do so on her own threads, or just bugger off to pedants corner & bitch over there!
AmelieLovesAutumn · 04/09/2021 08:45

@TEH82.

How are things now? Have you resolved it?

Hawkins001 · 04/09/2021 08:47

All the best

Original poster
TEH82 · 04/09/2021 09:04

It resolved as far as we met up the next day for a coffee so no kids and away from the house and I told him can’t keep doing this and while I will help with his children if he wants them half the time he needs to be an active parent that half the day and just because I am a woman doesn’t not mean the cleaning, cooking, washing all falls to me it is as much his responsibility so either he helps with doing it all and I will help with his or he does it for him and his kids and I stick to mine as I am not a general slave.
Huge discussion around me working from home and him thinking I am am just sat on my laptop- so if off should play his phone or stupid computer when actually that’s not down time I am working!
I asked for a few days a part to calm down and then meeting up later to see if it’s fixable or if not I will call it a day

OP posts:
AmelieLovesAutumn · 04/09/2021 09:12

@TEH82

At least you've talked I guess. It sounds like he was defensive though.

If he thinks you WFH on your laptop isn't working, he doesn't seem to have any respect for you.

However, even if you were playing/browsing/whatever, that still doesn't give him the right not to pull his weight or parent his children when they are there!

He sounds very immature & irritating?

Did you ask him why HE didn't do HIS kids washing while you were at work??

It's hard when your in the middle of it, but from the outside it seems like you'd be much better off without him/them there.

Did I also understand it correctly, that your DS was being looked after by your parents when you were at work and he was at (your) home with his kids??

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