Daughter refusing to go back to school (ghosted by friends/bullied)

[oldstudentmum]

My dd will be entering year 9 September. She has had a few issues at school resolved mainly lady problems (GP was brill).
I thought she had a lovely group of friends (apart from 1). as an example took them all to a theme park when school ended had them for sleepovers and dropping them off picking up from school. Anyway since the term ended and after the trip they have in her words "ghosted" her arranging meet-ups without her. My daughter seems to think that they were using her. It's mainly one girl in particular who was unable to come on the trip. It now transpires that possibly the young ladies have been using social media (Snapchat or similar) to not be nice about her gossiping etc. It has got to the point she is refusing to go back to school she only has two other friends, however, not at this school and no cant get her in theirs currently on waitlist and it's long. She wants to be homeschooled but I have been looking this up its not straight forward and to be honest, she was not very engaged with learning during lockdown. It's just this year is important, if she was 14 I would probably have different options ie a 14-19 college. obviously, I'm going to be emailing the school for advice but im not very hopeful they could come to a solution. Her father is absolutely no help think chocolate teapot. I'm at a total loss as to what to do for the best outcome. I did say to her she may have to go back until we can get a space at another school I do not want her to miss any more proper schooling.

This sort of behaviour is so sad, I have no real answer, I would probably try and encourage her to go to school, hopefully make new bonds with others

Why do some kids have to be little arsehole bullies…. Not all kids are like that thankfully. Hopefully she’ll meet some new friends. It’s so hard

I’d home Ed but that’s just me, appreciate that isn’t for everyone. I’d be more laid back about letting her follow her interests education wise especially if it’s temporary as I’d think that forcing her back into that situation would be more damaging than anything academic. Academics are more straightforward to fix than social confidence and mental health .

Your poor dd. Girls can be vile .Definitely contact school and seek advice. There may be other children in a similar situation they could pair her up with or after school clubs that could help her form new friendships.

This happened to me at the same age. I was in a group of 6 girls and gradually they pushed me away. My best friend within the group then wrote to me about how she had matured and I hadn't so we now had nothing in common. It is hard to make new friends at that age as everyone is already in little groups. It was awful and I basically walked around on my own for a year, spent lunch time in the loos etc, until I made new friends. I thought I was over it until I came across one of the girls recently in a work capacity and it really upset me. I don't know what the answer is for your daughter, but I wish my mum had moved me to another school or at least asked for me to be moved to a new class so I could start afresh. People are often more intrigued by the New Girl so will make an effort - unlike her current classmates. I definitely would listen to her wants as this could well have a lasting impact on her.

Extracurricular activities might help too, so she can meet new friends.

If you have evidence of cyber bullying, you should take it to the school, as they tend to take a hard line on this. Obviously you can't do this if its chat behind her back.

I would remind your daughter both that things at school will be different to things in the holiday, and that there are other children at school. So unless its s a small school she can just avoid her old friends. Are they starting gcse courses this year? Even if they are not, you may find classes have been shuffled (my DD's have as they are no longer trying to keep them in consistent groups due to Covid restrictions lifting) which will naturally open up new lines of friendship.

I do have to say that IMe year 9 is the worst for this sort of bitchy behaviour among girls so suspect she woukd just find similar if she moved schools.

What a horrible situation your poor dd my dd is the same age. So you said you have her name down for other school's. Is there noone she is now friends with at school? I know my dd has 'other' girls she is also happy to spend time with, who maybe she is not close to but don't have a group as such. Is there anyone like that? Otherwise, yes to contacting the school. Girls can be so awful, the question is how to you get her through this stronger? Could she contact one of the girls to ask for a meet up? Personally I couldn't home school but may keep her off initially until she felt ok about school, this though can cause more problems long term as you don't want her missing school. Maybe it won't be so bad when she is back at school. Do you think you can encourage her to go in for the first day? It may be ok.

Similar thing, My dd 9 is upset about going back to school as she has ASD and has no friends. I changed her school two years ago and still no luck. Her best and only friend moved out of the area a few years ago they keep in touch but it's dwindling. It's very very difficult.

This is so tough. I feel for her. Could you contact the school and ask if there are any other girls who struggled with friendship issues in her year and invite them all over for a BBQ/ pizza and film night and suggest their parents do similar so they have some familiar faces and can bond with each other a bit once school starts. Those ghosting girls have less power if you have someone else to sit with at lunch or work with on class projects.

It's good to have interests out of school, so you don't have all your (friendship) eggs in one basket

Perhaps support her to make new friends, or get in touch with old friends she hasn't seen for a while

I'm not sure changing school or home ed is the answer. Better to focus on building resilience and developing skills to deal with tough situations, rather than running away from the problem?

This is very tough for her and not nice, I completely get it.

But this is how we’re raising a nation of teens and young people with no resilience. Instead of her going to school, making other friends and flying in the face of adversity it’s let’s move her schools or home educate her.

We all have difficult things to deal with at some points in life and I’m sure we’ve all dealt with these situations. Running away at the first opportunity because some nasty individuals have been gossiping about her and leaving her out is madness!

You can’t control what other girls do but give her as much emotional support as possible so that she’d got the confidence to not let it get to her and get through it . Friendships at this age aren’t important in the grand scheme of things but confidence an independence can help her steer a smoother course

This happened to me twice (age 10 ish and again age 14ish) when I had to take two weeks off ill. They ghosted me. Wish I had the magic answer for you. I am in touch with zero school friends as an adult whereas my sister has a great bunch. She thinks I was just unlucky. Definitely speak to school about pairing her up. Hopefully she will slowly make new friends. As my experience was that they did it again years later. One or two nasty girls in the group.

Home schooling is very different to online learning (of various quantity and quality).

That said, I would put her back to school, consider a chat with her guidance teacher or pastoral lead and strongly encourage her to find new friends.

Similar thing happened to a friends daughter and there was some pretty awful online bullying via snapchat and messenger, but she went back to school and though it took some time (a few months) she made some great new friends and now, 5 years on, is still in touch with those new friends despite being in different cities for university - visiting each other and having nights out together etc.

I teach at a secondary school, unfortunately friendship problems between groups of girls are really common from Christmas time in year 8 - end of year 9, obviously there are issues outside if this time frame but it always seems to ramp up when they reach that age and settles afterwards.

Contact her head of year / community, however your school is structured, send in any evidence of cyber bullying, they are likely to be working next week and put things in place before your DD returns. Some of the things they may offer might include timetabling her lessons away from those girls or sending a message to teachers to sit them apart, buddy her with another student that she might get on with, offer restorative interventions between the girls. Some school have a quiet room for break and lunch where students can go play board games or read.

Students really need to build resilience not run away from problems, encourage her to join in with after school clubs so she can develop friendships there, there isn't much time to socialise in schools now, our break is only 15 mins and lunch 30 mins and most of that is spent in the dinner line or eating so after school clubs are a good way of making other friends within the school environment.

Your poor daughter

Definitely speak to the school about the issues as they should support your daughter.

Would a change of form group help? That way, she will be with others and hopefully make some new friends.

School may be able to buddy her up with someone -I did this with a girl in my form who seemed to have no friends

Are there lunch time clubs she could attend? Lots of schools have a sort of safe haven area for children who struggle socially or with crowds so that may be worth looking into.

This sounds really stressful for you and your DD OP. I have a niece who is also about to go into year 9 and she is dreading going back too. She has lots of friendship problems. When she talks about it she presents the issue as a clear case of bullying from others. Actually when you look at her social media, she is doing as much bullying as everyone else. This may, of course, not be the case with your DD but may it be worth checking? I say that as my niece also wants to change school but in my mind, until she is helped to mature and stop bullying others, the dynamics which she is finding hard will be re-created.

But this is how we’re raising a nation of teens and young people with no resilience. Instead of her going to school, making other friends and flying in the face of adversity it’s let’s move her schools or home educate her.

We all have difficult things to deal with at some points in life and I’m sure we’ve all dealt with these situations. Running away at the first opportunity because some nasty individuals have been gossiping about her and leaving her out is madness!

I don't know if you have direct experience of how awful bullying is at school but you shouldn't minimise it. It is devastating to kids. Some kids kill themselves rather than keep putting up with it. No resilience 🙄

And the schools often only pay lip service to sorting it out

@WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly

I’d home Ed but that’s just me, appreciate that isn’t for everyone. I’d be more laid back about letting her follow her interests education wise especially if it’s temporary as I’d think that forcing her back into that situation would be more damaging than anything academic. Academics are more straightforward to fix than social confidence and mental health .

I agree with this poster. Mental health would come first for me and anything else can be fixed later on down the line. I'm so sorry your daughter has to go through this. Kids can be so cruel.

Some after school activities where she's mixing with other groups. Guides or st John's for example.

Also is it every friend in the group, or most often? What would happen if she invited one that's not in the mix?

She says no one's contacted her over the summer what's been the response when she's initiated contact?

I am not sure that home educating would be the same as learning during lockdown, the main difference being that the work set isn't by school.

What are your concerns re home educating her? You don't need to keep up with the national curriculum for instance. Just concentrate on the subjects that interest her. She could start working towards GCSEs now - many home ed family start them early and spread them out over 2-3 years rather than taking them all at once. I am just taking DS out as he would be starting year 10 and it is daunting but I absolutely believe it is the right thing and I know we will be fine. Maybe join some home ed facebook groups and have a look at the HE Wiki - there is loads of info out there. The main downside for many is that you have to pay for the exams (and any courses you decide to do) at this stage. We will be offsetting some of this by taking term time holidays :)

Looking after her mental health is really important here.

I really feel for anyone being bullied or left out, but ultimately this is a part of growing up.

Friendship groups change often, dynamics change and people make new friends. The answer isn't to look for new schools to be with other friends, or to remove school from her life completely.

The answer is to go to school, get along with whoever you can, consolidate existing friendships and make new ones. And if you don't, you still get by.

The friends she has at another school may not be her friends this time next year. They'll likely have their own friendship groups there and so the dynamic your daughter has with them will not be the same as it would be if they were at school together.

Friendships at any age during school can be complicated and often change by year 10. Things aren't as simple as they seem and everyone needs to build a thick skin.

What do you do? You be there there for her, let her talk to you and support her if she needs it. Don't email the school, take her out of school or overreact to the suspected gossip of teenage girls. Doing so will make this into something when in all probability it could all blow over by the end of the first week back.

One of the girls she has known since yr1 and has been through school together "besties" . My daughter has said they want to be part of the popular group I just have visions of the film Mean Girls.
@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime how very accurate it has been towards 8-9 year group.
To others saying changing schools/home isnt the answer I strongly agree with you all. Im in the dont let them win dont let them see they have hurt you. Education is more important than some bitchy girls opinion, but then so is being a place that makes you unhappy. Its a large school. She used to have stuff outside school but she didnt want to continue doing it. Im dissapointed with that as she was good at activity, but it was her choice and then lockdown came. I think she is in a quite depressed state she doesnt want to join in with anything she suggested a day out and then didnt want to come. said ive got the house to myself. This is not a good sign. I have a friend who's daughter is in the same year may message her and test the water.

A HUGE thanks to your replies I am taking everything on board. Im just so angry for her and upset. I think she is holding it all in, which is never good.

Also i was hoping this was just a blip and misunderstanding between friends but its not. I can do all the practical things but i cant make it better it makes me so sad because she is.Wish I could wave a magic wand.

@Snoozer11

I so agree with you ! but its explaining that to a 13 year old. I think its best if I print off all advice and show it to her ? Would that be a good Idea im not sure ?
@Saoirse82 I have asked she said spoke to one of them a bit and kind of got the message she was pushed out if that makes sense.
@Feelingmardy i have checked that xx One girl that left her friendship group and went to another school i spoke to prior to her leaving as she was having issues and couldnt talk to anyone. I got it out of her and she was happy with me acting on her behalf so I informed her mum of everything etc but within a week she moved school. she was a nice girl as well.
@Scarlettpixie I don't think that I would do a good job of it. I wasvery good at school over 30 years ago. I also did OU but everything is different now. I feel I would be letting her down.

This is a story as old as time. We had this going on in my friendship group when I was at school. You can’t move schools and home educate every time there’s a friendship issue.

Would you encourage her to leave her job as an adult?

Personally if it was me I would be requesting a get together with them all to hash out the problems like grown ups, parents present if needs be to keep it in check.