Daughter refusing to go back to school (ghosted by friends/bullied)

[oldstudentmum]

My dd will be entering year 9 September. She has had a few issues at school resolved mainly lady problems (GP was brill).
I thought she had a lovely group of friends (apart from 1). as an example took them all to a theme park when school ended had them for sleepovers and dropping them off picking up from school. Anyway since the term ended and after the trip they have in her words "ghosted" her arranging meet-ups without her. My daughter seems to think that they were using her. It's mainly one girl in particular who was unable to come on the trip. It now transpires that possibly the young ladies have been using social media (Snapchat or similar) to not be nice about her gossiping etc. It has got to the point she is refusing to go back to school she only has two other friends, however, not at this school and no cant get her in theirs currently on waitlist and it's long. She wants to be homeschooled but I have been looking this up its not straight forward and to be honest, she was not very engaged with learning during lockdown. It's just this year is important, if she was 14 I would probably have different options ie a 14-19 college. obviously, I'm going to be emailing the school for advice but im not very hopeful they could come to a solution. Her father is absolutely no help think chocolate teapot. I'm at a total loss as to what to do for the best outcome. I did say to her she may have to go back until we can get a space at another school I do not want her to miss any more proper schooling.

The bloody roof

I agree with others that she needs to roll with the punches. We can’t control other people’s behaviour, and it isn’t helpful to over identify with the pain she’s feeling now. She was never going to grow old with these girls. Can she maybe ally herself with another group of kind girls who don’t have the same questionable aspiration to be popular? Those girls sound like a write off, so she has to move on now. I had this sort of crap so many times when I was at school, usually as part of a toxic three. She’s better than those girls with their dated mean girls obsession.

Your poor DD, it is a real ordeal. I went through the same kind of thing, started with low-level friendship-group bullying in year 8, sometimes they were nice then they would be utterly horrible. Then I was excluded completely from start of year 10. Socially I became a leper once my old friends had cut me out - all the girls were in groups and didnt want me anywhere near them. No one dared speak to me or come near me in case my uncoolness was contagious and they would be excluded too they certainly didnt want to be seen as welcoming a reject, as that would have tainted their own social standing. I was blanked by dozens and dozens and dozens of people, overnight. After years of bullying, my former friends literally never looked at me or spoke to me again. It was a terrible, damaging experience knowing I was forced to go to that school for another four years and the loneliness and humiliation and awfulness of it all truly ruined me. I eventually managed to form a basic friendship with some girls I knew a little bit from school clubs, but they were also fairly damaged from bullying and it wasnt a good experience. I don't think I got my mental health strength back until my mid 30s.

If someone had said to me back then, "look if this isnt working out, we can help, we can make huge changes for you, it isnt impossible and it is worth a risk to have a chance at not being sad every single day of your life", I would have wept for a week with the relief and begged for help. But no one helped me. My mum just said, "well we all fall out with friends, just keep your chin up and things will be better in a little whole." I just had to struggle on, day after day, and there were many dark days when I truly didnt want to live. It sounds melodramatic but there it is. I would never, ever put my own DD through that.

So, offer your DD some options. Ask her to give it a try until half term if you must, tell her to join lunchtime clubs and ask the librarian if she can sit in a corner and read when she is all alone (I tried that, mine said no!) Or find a quiet space to tuck herself away from the meanness and the loneliness, and in that space of time promise her you will do everything you can to find her a place at another school, any school. And also sit down with her and research options for online schooling at home. You need to give the DD some hope, not just hold her hand to the fire and force her to tough it out. Please. I doubt this is running away at the first sign of trouble, I expect there has been unpleasantness for ages and this is just the culmination of it.

I will be thinking of your DD and you, i hope you both find the strength and wisdom to decide on a path that leads to a happier life for your DD.

@PennyWus that's horrendous, what an awful experience for you.

My DD has had a few ups and downs since she started secondary school and has gone through a few friendship groups whilst also having constant friends throughout too. It's all quite complex. Her school is quite large though so it's easier to restart from scratch and lots of children have had to swap classes. she's told me some awful stories of kids getting ostracised for some stupid reason or other by some random bully and yes other children back away because they don't want to be associated with them. It's so sad.

I was bullied at that age, for a short time, can't remember why. My parents looked into moving away so I could change school etc but then it just finished and I made a completely new set of friends when classes changed in the new year possible when we started our GCSEs

This happened to me and the trauma is still with me, although I did have a lot of other shit going on (PTSD and undiagnosed ASD) so wasn't the most resilient and stable child.

I'd talk to school to see if they can help manage the situation, but if it doesn't blow over after a few months then I'd pull her out until she can move schools. Being treated like a social pariah for no reason long term is incredibly damaging to a kids self esteem

Try not to flash point argue, it's good that the channels of communication are open.

@Kylereese

This is very tough for her and not nice, I completely get it.

But this is how we’re raising a nation of teens and young people with no resilience. Instead of her going to school, making other friends and flying in the face of adversity it’s let’s move her schools or home educate her.

We all have difficult things to deal with at some points in life and I’m sure we’ve all dealt with these situations. Running away at the first opportunity because some nasty individuals have been gossiping about her and leaving her out is madness!

Whilst I do agree reliance is important when your friends leave you out and don’t speak to you it is extremely hard to the point of giving up.

I remember spending a whole year more or less with nobody speaking to me. Nobody in form room would talk to me I wasn’t allowed to sit by anybody, the girls in question said to the other group not to let me so I sat on my own being laughed at the whole time.

It was one of the saddest times in my life. Did I survive yes but don’t minimise how bad it can be as it started by gossiping and being left out.

OP I would contact the school. ( I never confided in anybody for a long time) so pastoral care if the school have it can keep an eye on her.

Is there anything like a youth club she could join. I know in my area they are back on after Covid.

I don't know what is the right thing for you.
However, I'll echo others who say that home educating is very different to lockdown learning. I've home educated for 15 years, youngest has just reached yr 11 so is part way through GCSEs (4 down, more this year).
I am involved in a number of support groups for home educators and sadly your story is very familiar.
If home education is something you'd consider them I'd advise joining home education groups on Facebook. National ones to get advice on things like exams or course providers (not required, we've done most subjects independently) and local ones to find out what opportunities there might be around you - tuition groups, social activities.

So depressing that some groups bond by exclusion. In dds case the former best friend didn’t just eject her from the group and withdraw her friendshio but tried to socially annihilate her by bad mouthing her generally to try to ensure she couldn’t join another group. That girl better hope she doesn’t bump into me.

Thank god in our case dd is very confident beautiful and fun so is an attractive proposition for a friend (I fear the reason for this whole thing was plain old jealousy) and is younger so found new pals quickly. She also at the first sign of being got at or picked on walked away from the group fast. You don’t want your dd hanging round a group that doesn’t want her being sniped at which is death by a thousand cuts. Remember reading the worst year of a woman’s life is being 13 and the second worst is her dd being 13…

Happened to me too. Very similar - group of friends that one day just decided it was my turn to be excluded.

I shuffled around trying to be invisible for so long and then popped one day. I shouted and screamed at them in a pretty verbally aggressive and public way.

That stopped them, but also taught me that was the way to handle situations I was uncomfortable in. To become loud and shouty and verbally aggressive.

It then took me 20 years to unlearn it. I am not sure I ever really trusted most friends after that either. With the exception of a couple of people I am close to, I still view most friendships as something I can take or leave. Not something to be relied on.

That’s the sad part the long term impact as this is a formative age. After being roundly stabbed in the back by this dreadful new “friend” dd is now very wary and careful. Maybe that’s no bad thing.

It’s hard bring a parent through this in some cases bring brisk and minimising might work and the kid rebuilds themselves but other times it gets so serious you have to be proactive. Anecdotally every family I know that have moved a child has been pleased they did it.

I think this is more common amongst female group friends? I went to an all girls school. I generally don’t trust women unfortunately, very few and only because I’ve known them for years and know how they think and who they are. Takes me a long time to get there.

I think like you say, her education is more important than these girls. However, she won’t be concentrating on her work/lessons while she is still so worried about what everyone is thinking and what her former friends are saying about her.

It’s so difficult. I would ask her if she can think of any other nice girls in her form/year that she could be friends with. It’s not too late to join another group. If there’s a nice group in another form the school could move her into that form if you make them aware of the situation and can sit them next to each other to make things easier.

I know this is totally different but I didn't make any friends at uni. I changed my mindset to thinking that it wasn't about socializing. It was just about getting a degree.

I feel for her. I was able to think, this isn't me. I have incredible friends now who are in it for a lifetime. As a previous poster said, it can just be bad luck at uni and I haven't experienced it before or since.

@PennyWus

Thank you for sharing your experiences. xxx That has helped me alot to understand the impact of this type of behaviour.

I really want the best for her. I'm going to be emailing the school today to inform them of her situation and what can be done to help her.
I have applied to the council education department for in year transfer its very limited though. Most of the schools i have to apply to directly with them. I feel giving it til half term and in the meantime do my research into homeschooling so that I'm fully prepared
. I think a lady up the road from me homeschools I'm sure she could put me in a good direction. just hope she still lives here haven't seen her lately.
I'm going to print off all your wonderful messages and have a good read through. It has really given me an insight into how this cruel behaviour can impact your lives then and now. It's an eye-opener.

@Dobbyafreeelf I do not have a vile attitude just because I disagree with you. Nor will I “bore off”. It’s a forum if you’ve forgotten where people are entitled to state a range of opinions. If you don’t like mine maybe you should bore off somewhere else.

@Lemonsandlemonade I completely disagree it’s a really upsetting thing to happen. I myself was bullied by racists (the only mixed race child in a white school). But I just don’t think the first and immediate solution is to home school.

I had this in the same year. I used to come home every lunch time which was brilliant for my mental health as gave me down time and peace - Mum told the principal in no uncertain terms I could walk home for lunch. I joined air cadets and st johns ambulance cadets. Made new friends and non of them were in my school, it opened up a whole new world. I had friends to hang out with at weekends and afterschool

@Kylereese I never said to homeschool or not I just didn’t believe that it could be called madness as being bullied and left out is horrific.

@Kylereese I agree with you.
My sister was the only black girl in her school growing up in the 70s and 80s and it was awful for her at times.

However it is true that these actions can affect others in different ways and sadly end in suicide and ptsd among some.

I was very depressed because of school and my parents made me go but I would just bunk off. But I completely understand what you are saying, some of us have become a nation of oh quick let's up sticks at the first sign of trouble.