Daughter refusing to go back to school (ghosted by friends/bullied)

[oldstudentmum]

My dd will be entering year 9 September. She has had a few issues at school resolved mainly lady problems (GP was brill).
I thought she had a lovely group of friends (apart from 1). as an example took them all to a theme park when school ended had them for sleepovers and dropping them off picking up from school. Anyway since the term ended and after the trip they have in her words "ghosted" her arranging meet-ups without her. My daughter seems to think that they were using her. It's mainly one girl in particular who was unable to come on the trip. It now transpires that possibly the young ladies have been using social media (Snapchat or similar) to not be nice about her gossiping etc. It has got to the point she is refusing to go back to school she only has two other friends, however, not at this school and no cant get her in theirs currently on waitlist and it's long. She wants to be homeschooled but I have been looking this up its not straight forward and to be honest, she was not very engaged with learning during lockdown. It's just this year is important, if she was 14 I would probably have different options ie a 14-19 college. obviously, I'm going to be emailing the school for advice but im not very hopeful they could come to a solution. Her father is absolutely no help think chocolate teapot. I'm at a total loss as to what to do for the best outcome. I did say to her she may have to go back until we can get a space at another school I do not want her to miss any more proper schooling.

Does DD have a pet? Sometimes when it's difficult to talk to people animals do a great job at soothing the soul (twee I know).

It won't help with the school issue directly but my Dd also gave up most of her activities after lockdown and hasnt really been keen on picking other things up, although she's younger and going into Yr 7, it s a worry as she's an only child with no local friends that she wants to go out with. Over the summer holidays she's had some horse riding lessons (I got her a voucher for a christmas present and only just cashed it in) and this seems to have improved her spirits and given her a bit more confidence, she was trotting independently in 4 lessons and the smile on her face was huge.

By no means am I suggesting you buy a horse, even lessons are expensive more expensive than driving lessons but maybe she'll find helping out at an animal shelter, walking dogs or something helpful.

I was miserable at school from years 7-8. I had no friends and was the target of low level bullying, no one wanting to sit next to me etc. I ended up joining a very sociable club at the weekend and made some incredible friends there, including a few people from my (massive) school who I hadn't known before. Before I knew it there was a massive crowd of us - some in school in our year and the year above and lots form other schools. We had a great time, and though I still hated school and never had a single friend in the same class as me for any thing from yr 7 to yr 11, life was bearable, lunchtimes were fun. Can you try and enrol her at something like a drama club, youth club, scouts, outdoor activities or church group - some group where people bond closely? It might give her confidence.

This happened to me. All of my friendship group fell out with me and were vile. One girl was the ringleader and I never found out why. I was miserable for a while but made a new great set of friends. I went to all my teachers and asked if I could switch classes and they all refused. I agree with POP that homeschooling isn’t the answer. I would speak to the teachers and see what support they can offer her in school and start working on some out of school friendships. She will get through this.

PP obviously 🙄

Happened to me as well, at the same age.

The saving thing for me was that I had an awful lot of outside interests and did a lot of school clubs, so the class bullies became a less important part of my life.

It did hugely know my confidence though, and took decades to regain it.

I would definitely contact school. I would encourage her to go, but with a plan that keeps her busy at break and lunch, and also roll play a few phrases she can use.

I'm the end I confronted my bullies with a pre-planned speech in the middle of a biology lesson. I told them that they were welcome to blank me if they wanted, their loss, but that they should realise that I actually didn't care anymore, that I was glad they weren't my friends and that they were therefore just wasting their energy.

I was totally terrified, but then the teacher started clapping. It calmed down a lot after that.

@Iknowtheanswer well done you. Your teacher also rocks!!

@PopcornMuncher I have a lot of direct experience thank you. Being the only mixed race child in a white school is not fun and I won’t repeat some of the vile things I was called.

I am not minimising anything. I am saying that you can’t instantly run away from every problem in life. That shouldn’t be your first way of dealing things.

My DD1 went through this during her last school year (7). Her friend from primary school joined in with a couple of other girls from that school in bullying her on the school bus and excluding her. She was doing this when egged on by one of those girls, who is a ‘mean girl’ type.

Thankfully, DD1 has made another friend, from a different primary school, but she has been really hurt by the way her former friend behaved towards her. (She is still friendly towards her sometimes, but she’s shown herself not to be a real friend.)

It’s sad because they used to have sleepovers together in the past. But DD1 does seem to have adjusted to it now, and having another friend has definitely helped.

I’m so sorry your DD is going through this. I would recommend talking to the school about it, so that they can offer her support. They may be able to pair her with another girl on her own.

We spoke to our DD1’s SENCO about the bullying (she has SEN, which makes it harder) and they they were helpful. They did speak to the girls involved. It didn’t restore the friendships, but they stopped picking on her. (It was nearly the end of term, so we’ll see how it goes when she started year 8.)

@Kylereese

This is very tough for her and not nice, I completely get it.

But this is how we’re raising a nation of teens and young people with no resilience. Instead of her going to school, making other friends and flying in the face of adversity it’s let’s move her schools or home educate her.

We all have difficult things to deal with at some points in life and I’m sure we’ve all dealt with these situations. Running away at the first opportunity because some nasty individuals have been gossiping about her and leaving her out is madness!

With respect, that's rubbish. "Resilience" is not continuing to subject yourself to a unhappy situation in the face of nothing changing and no support. That is banging your head against a brick wall.

OP I understand. It's awful to be the friendless teen spending lunch and breaktimes feeling ostracised. It's almost worse, watching as a parent. Having been both child and parent, I'd invoke the school's anti-bullying policy - because social exclusion is bullying - and take that as a start point for DD to try to find new people knowing that the school are aware that people have been deliberately briefing against her. If the support from the school isn't there or doesn't work, don't leave her to be excluded and friendless.

@Kylereese

This is very tough for her and not nice, I completely get it.

But this is how we’re raising a nation of teens and young people with no resilience. Instead of her going to school, making other friends and flying in the face of adversity it’s let’s move her schools or home educate her.

We all have difficult things to deal with at some points in life and I’m sure we’ve all dealt with these situations. Running away at the first opportunity because some nasty individuals have been gossiping about her and leaving her out is madness!

@Kylereese what rot!! Do you actually have any experience of being bullied in school? I tell you what I do! And my parents took the same attitude as you and it screwed up my mental health for along time. It didn't make me more resilient it caused huge amounts of damage and left me with PTSD.

@IWillWashTheGreenWillow and @Dobbyafreeelf yes I do see my updated post.

It’s not rubbish to have a different view to you!! What small minded people you are that you are so dismissive of other people’s opinion. No wonder your solutions are to run away/avoid the minute anything becomes hard.

I would try to persuade her to at least try it - isn't there a chance that some of her year have left, new people have arrived, that she isnt' in the same classes with the same classmates as last year and that the dynamic, as a result, changes.

[quote Kylereese]**@IWillWashTheGreenWillow* and @Dobbyafreeelf* yes I do see my updated post.

It’s not rubbish to have a different view to you!! What small minded people you are that you are so dismissive of other people’s opinion. No wonder your solutions are to run away/avoid the minute anything becomes hard.[/quote]
Oh do bore off @Kylereese. You have a vile attitude. You no nothing about me so how dare you accuse me of running away from my problems!
Your the one minimising other people's opinions not me. Perhaps you should take onboard that other people have different experiences to you. But don't you dare try and invalidate what happened to me or the trauma that it caused.

@Kylereese

This is very tough for her and not nice, I completely get it.

But this is how we’re raising a nation of teens and young people with no resilience. Instead of her going to school, making other friends and flying in the face of adversity it’s let’s move her schools or home educate her.

We all have difficult things to deal with at some points in life and I’m sure we’ve all dealt with these situations. Running away at the first opportunity because some nasty individuals have been gossiping about her and leaving her out is madness!

“not nice”? Jesus.

This happened to me at the same age, just went to school one day to find they’d all stopped talking to me and got everyone else to stop talking to me. I didn’t have a friend in the world. My mum had just died and i didn’t have anyone to talk to. This went on for about 2 years, the whole time they were excluding me, laughing at me, I spend lunch breaks alone hiding in the library because no one would talk to me. They would draw pictures of me and stick them up in the corridor. It’s more than “not nice”, it’s fucking heartbreaking and at 48 years old I am still scarred by it. I still worry that one day I will go to work and everyone will have stopped talking to me. OP my heart absolutely goes out to your poor daughter - and if you can move schools then do. This isn’t about “developing resilience” or “flying in the face of adversity” it’s about protecting your child from psychological bullying and long term damage.

And just because some people were able to be “resilient” doesn’t mean everyone can be. If she was being beaten up every day would people say she needed to just put up with it? I doubt it. No wonder MH has such stigma, when people still think the answer is to “toughen up”.

Same happened to DD in year 9. She is doing her GCSEs via an online provider and is significantly happier. There are a few providers but we have found myonlineschooling really good.

[quote Kylereese]**@IWillWashTheGreenWillow* and @Dobbyafreeelf* yes I do see my updated post.

It’s not rubbish to have a different view to you!! What small minded people you are that you are so dismissive of other people’s opinion. No wonder your solutions are to run away/avoid the minute anything becomes hard.[/quote]
Well, I conclude you learned nothing from your experience then, and assume everyone should experience the same as you. We supported DD to continue in school in the face of 3 years of exclusion by her peers, until she was diagnosed with PTSD. It was absolutely not a case of "making other friends and flying in the face of adversity" when no-one else in the entire year would speak to her and her classmates were calling her "it". When DD changed schools it was on the advice of her psychiatrist and psychologist because she was fainting on the way to school and when the school said they couldn't stop the bullying because DD was "too different". But that's fine, all kids should be bullied as you were because you survived. Likewise, all kids should be beaten, because our grandparents were and it did them no harm... Right?

@CaptainCorelli

Same happened to DD in year 9. She is doing her GCSEs via an online provider and is significantly happier. There are a few providers but we have found myonlineschooling really good.

@CaptainCorelli I agree, MoS are educating our DD and it has been revelatory. Without having to deal with all the shithousery of teenage girls, she is thriving academically.

This is horrible, your poor daughter. It happened to me when I was in school, yr11 - the only advice I can give is to help her try and regain some control...?

When I found out everything my 'best' friends had been saying behind my back I decided from that moment, after I asked them if it was true and they admitted it, that I would never speak to any of them ever again. (I stuck to it - now late 30s). It was pretty horrible for a few weeks, but taking control and being the one to cut them off and making that decision made me able to cope a little bit better, and opened up new opportunities to talk to people. The group of friends I found I have much more in common with than the people who weren't really my friends!

@leavesthataregreen

This is so tough. I feel for her. Could you contact the school and ask if there are any other girls who struggled with friendship issues in her year and invite them all over for a BBQ/ pizza and film night and suggest their parents do similar so they have some familiar faces and can bond with each other a bit once school starts. Those ghosting girls have less power if you have someone else to sit with at lunch or work with on class projects.

I think this is a great idea! I’m sure there are other girls (and boys!) who are also feeling isolated. I had a similar experience with my best friend around this age; another girl we were friends with was horrid and excluded me- she had some sort of awful home life situation going on and when my mum went to the teachers one of them (who was close to this girl) used to tell me to let her get on with it as she was so troubled she couldn’t help it. I had other friends so kind of left the situation. Girls can be so mean! It’s very hard yo understand at 14 but these kids behave like this out of their own insecurity. The girl in my scenario ended up going missing- I saw it on the local news when I was about 25. She was found all ok but was mentally ill. Tell your daughter from me that some people are horrible but not everyone & whilst her world is small now; it won’t be later on and she is strong enough to rise above it xoxo

@Kylereese I have to agree with you on sone points . I was an only child til age 10 so stood up for myself obviously bro was ten years younger anyone bully me my father said hit them with something you are a girl ? They were all boys so I did ! Wasn’t picked on then .wasn’t through secondary either I was taller and bigger .
I am so thank ful for all what u are saying .xxx I don’t
Don’t argue guys xx what you have both said is valid xx

Those of you saying kids should develop resilience, what you really mean is kids should just put up with being bullied. Awful

It’s a hideous developmental stage some girls go through. Had a dose of it myself and even now at 46 it was one of the worst experiences of my life.

My own dd has just had it - stabbed in back by former new best friend and kicked out of her friendship group. She’s only year 7 and is bloody tough and has picked herself up dusted herself down and joined another group. But she is confident and is younger than your girl. Only you and her can make the call whether to stay or go but it is shit and you have my sympathy.

Sorry to hear this OP. I have a daughter the same age and it is and has been a bloody rollercoaster, that’s for sure.

One thing I wanted to highlight was this theme park/sleepover treat you did. And that this one girl could not go.

That rings bells for me.

Do you think that things started going wrong after then? That all the other girls went apart from her. And she’s pissed off about and other girls being loyal and siding with her?

Obviously you said the girl could not come. But maybe things go back to that What do you think?

She has totally kicked off I said just ignore go to school blah blah. She hie the fuckibg roof I’m not going I said I was speaking to school about issues she hie thebloodyeoof