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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about the in laws trying to help?

54 replies

ChickenNuggetRose · 28/08/2021 22:32

We currently have a 10 month old little one who's my entire world. My partner is 30 and his parents have kept pretty much every single one of his toys ever since he was a baby. Baby mobiles, travel cot, baby walker etc pretty much everything!

They keep saying they are going to give all of these toys to my little one and last time they visited they bought a couple of little things down which I just put straight away upstairs. They've started re-painting a couple of things (not with baby safe paint) and they've just messaged to say they've just finished varnishing a baby walker (it also won't be baby safe varnish)

They are quite big hoarders, they have a massive house and it's completely filled up with everything you could possibly think of. They keep everything they are given so I have no way of knowing if they bought all of my partners toys from new when he was younger or if they even got passed any of it as they always like re using old things!

My little one puts everything in her mouth and even when she stops I still wouldn't want her playing with toys that are so old after reading about the chemicals they used to put in them! 70% of older toys aren't safe today and some are extremely dangerous. I feel bad because they are going out of their way to reuse but I don't want to give any of it to my baby.

My partner gets upset when I say I don't want any of it as it's unknown what it's made from, but he thinks I'm just saying it to be selfish and says it's stuff that's sedimental to him. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
aaaaah · 28/08/2021 22:39

Could you maybe ask him to choose one or two things and explain you what the baby to have their own things that they can get sentimental about. It's not about reliving his childhood through his child.

Originalyellowbelly · 28/08/2021 22:40

My eldest is in her fifties and despite playing with toys when she was a baby I'm happy to say she, along with her younger siblings is still alive and well.

WeAreTheHeroes · 28/08/2021 22:45

Presumably you played with toys when you were a child, the kind of thing your in law's have kept for your DC? And you are fine now? I think you are over-reacting.

CustardyCreams · 28/08/2021 22:46

Well, why not just say this to PIL? Say that you would very much appreciate books, but could they hold on to the other toys until your baby stops putting things in her mouth? And ask if they are repaint8ng anything to please use baby safe varnish and paint.

In fairness your baby is highly unlikely to go chewing on the baby Walker so that one is probably ok.

JackieQueen · 28/08/2021 22:48

Maybe you could suggest they keep the stuff at their house so it can be used/played with there.

QueenBee52 · 28/08/2021 22:49

You need to tell your DP that he needs to explain to his parents.. why these 'improvements' are no longer considered safe...

Cuddlemonsters · 28/08/2021 22:49

Honestly, I think you’re being a bit precious. If you’re 30, it’s not like it’s going to have lead paint. Check it over for obvious safety issues but refusing anything passed down even if it has sentimental value because it might be dangerous seems OTT and unkind.

leli · 28/08/2021 22:52

Rolls eyes. Another p-I-l hater.

PotteringAlong · 28/08/2021 22:54

Baby safe varnish?! My children ate dirt out of the garden. Varnish would have been the least of their worries.

Yes, YABU.

Rachie1973 · 28/08/2021 22:56

I’m sure some would be ok! We had Fisher Price etc 50 years ago

OldHouseDilemma · 28/08/2021 22:56

I wouldn't mind some toys etc, but things that have been repainted/revarnished with stuff not certified safe for babies? No way. YANBU. Just because something doesn't cause an instant, visible effect, doesn't mean it is non-toxic. Some substances are carcinogenic (for example) and will cause cancer years after ingestion.

alexdgr8 · 28/08/2021 23:00

many baby items produced today still have heavy metal paint, as many are imported, and do not meet uk safety standards.
just tell them that you want your baby to have only new things which you have chosen.
best they keep other items at their house for sentimental reasons re DH.

tiredanddangerous · 28/08/2021 23:01

You do realise a whole generation survived despite playing with these toys? Confused

Lou98 · 28/08/2021 23:02

@Cuddlemonsters

Honestly, I think you’re being a bit precious. If you’re 30, it’s not like it’s going to have lead paint. Check it over for obvious safety issues but refusing anything passed down even if it has sentimental value because it might be dangerous seems OTT and unkind.

Agree with this^

We had a baby 3 months ago, my DP is also 30, nearly 31 and his papa has just given us a bunch of his toys from when he was little to give to our son. I will give them all a clean but I have no issues with him playing with them.

I can see why your DP is a bit annoyed to be honest, these things probably are important to him, my mum still has a lot of my favourite teddies from when I was younger and they all have special meaning to me and stories of how I got them. I would be gutted if my DP said our son wasn't allowed them (and would ignore him and give him them anyway)

DevilFinger · 28/08/2021 23:03

Things from 30 years ago are not going to be toxic

Mine all slept in my old cot (with a new mattress) at their gps which was almost 50 years old

Eldest is almost the same age as your partner and lots of their things were used for the youngest and this in between with absolutely no ill effects - there's 23 years between them

Your pfb will be fine

Freddiefox · 28/08/2021 23:04

Try to include them in other ways, then the toys might not feel so important to them.

Original poster
ChickenNuggetRose · 28/08/2021 23:07

Thanks everyone. Im not saying I want them to get rid of everything, if somethings sedimental to my DP then id never make him throw it away! I just worry about the safety aspect of a lot of the toys as so far the things I've seen haven't been stored brilliantly and has been chewed or has small a chunks out of it as well as the chemical aspect! But maybe I am over reacting a little. 😩

OP posts:
Original poster
ChickenNuggetRose · 28/08/2021 23:10

@QueenBee52 I think he's worried to ever say anything to them even when it's something he doesn't agree with or something he wants to say to them, he just finds it difficult!

OP posts:
Dashel · 28/08/2021 23:12

Can’t you ask if you could pick out some things and pick out things that could be used to decorate the nursery/ playroom, like smallish toys to go on a top shelf or toys that are likely to be safe?

Could your DH maybe give his parents some baby safe paint or varnish to use?

I think it’s lovely they are trying to help and I know one thing I have seen is that old baby clothes have been put on cuddly toys rather than the child or maybe repurpose some of his old baby clothes into a blanket or cushion?

To say no to everything is not going to go down well and I think is unfair. It’s not just your child and your DH is entitled to a 50% say so you need to find a way to make this work

Original poster
ChickenNuggetRose · 28/08/2021 23:12

@OldHouseDilemma Thank you! That's exactly what I was thinking. I don't mean instant effects, I just worry about long term effects! I think once she stops putting everything in her mouth I'll feel comfortable with letting her play with some of them!

OP posts:
ComeonJulia · 28/08/2021 23:14

I do get it OP but honestly, wait til she is walking and running around parks. She will end up with worse in her mouth than dads old toy.
My DS aged 2 ate green play sand today then came in to tell me “mummy I no lunch, I sand”

I think they sound lovely and it’s really nice they’ve kept their sons toys. Just let them have this,
You could always pop them away if you really don’t want them around your baby but I think it would really hurt their feelings if you say anything. They clearly adore her.

Original poster
ChickenNuggetRose · 28/08/2021 23:17

@Dashel Thank you for your reply! That's something I've already started doing regarding the nursery. I've put his favourite childhood teddy in there and a few other little bits.

I absolutely love that they are trying to help too and I really do appreciate it, it's so lovely of them. The bear and blanket idea out of old clothes is a really good idea, thank you.

I think I'll have a conversation with him again and see which toys mean the most to him and we can figure something out 😊

OP posts:
CatOfTheLand · 28/08/2021 23:24

I don't think you're bring precious at all - I'm almost 40 and a lot of toys from my childhood wouldn't meet today's safety requirements. I remember a lot of loose parts and non-baby safe paint (although there was obviously things that would be fine still now).

Plus, do you have the room for someone else's entire childhood toy collection? It might not be what you want to fill your house with or to your taste.

I'd ask your DH to pick some sentimental items to keep - maybe you could even frame some in box frames or put them on high shelves as nursery decor, pick out anything you want an eBay the rest.

My dd plays with my brother's 30-year-old ELC plastic farm animals and my Polly Pockets so there might be a few treasures in there.

Anordinarymum · 28/08/2021 23:24

OP Just chill. They sound like really lovely people

CatOfTheLand · 28/08/2021 23:26

@tiredanddangerous

You do realise a whole generation survived despite playing with these toys? Confused
This is such a weak and patronising argument- 'whole generations survived' doing various things that we know not to do today but doesn't mean it's a good idea to do things that you know are unsafe or feel uncomfortable with.