AIBU about the in laws trying to help?

[ChickenNuggetRose]

We currently have a 10 month old little one who's my entire world. My partner is 30 and his parents have kept pretty much every single one of his toys ever since he was a baby. Baby mobiles, travel cot, baby walker etc pretty much everything!

They keep saying they are going to give all of these toys to my little one and last time they visited they bought a couple of little things down which I just put straight away upstairs. They've started re-painting a couple of things (not with baby safe paint) and they've just messaged to say they've just finished varnishing a baby walker (it also won't be baby safe varnish)

They are quite big hoarders, they have a massive house and it's completely filled up with everything you could possibly think of. They keep everything they are given so I have no way of knowing if they bought all of my partners toys from new when he was younger or if they even got passed any of it as they always like re using old things!

My little one puts everything in her mouth and even when she stops I still wouldn't want her playing with toys that are so old after reading about the chemicals they used to put in them! 70% of older toys aren't safe today and some are extremely dangerous. I feel bad because they are going out of their way to reuse but I don't want to give any of it to my baby.

My partner gets upset when I say I don't want any of it as it's unknown what it's made from, but he thinks I'm just saying it to be selfish and says it's stuff that's sedimental to him. Am I being unreasonable?

OP it's YOUR child...

nobody on here can dictate what is right for you and your Child..

If you aren't comfortable with any of these toys.. but DH cannot say No to his parents ..

then take them and hide them in the attic 🌸

Yanbu. One of my nct friends dresses her dd in her old clothes from the 70s that her parents have kept. They kept literally everything, clothes and toys. It looks creepy AF.

@CatOfTheLand Thank you for your reply! I'm glad to know I'm not being completely over the top. They are lovely people and I love them to bits, but they massively do have a problem taking anything anyone gives them and keeping absolutely everything (I saw a whole garage of just empty cardboard boxes for things like their first mobile phones etc!) as a example.

I want my DP to keep what means most to him, but at the same time they've taught him to keep absolutely everything and we just haven't got the room in our house. His parents have a massive 5 bedroom house, a couple of big workshops, garages and outbuildings all completely full up and I don't want to end up like that. I guess I just don't understand how so much stuff you just store away and don't ever see can mean so much to you.

Thank you for the ideas 😊 I'm a very crafty person so I'd love projects to turn his sedimental things into something we can keep.

Baby toys might be a bit more of an issue but I still have lego, stickle bricks, brio train tracks, scalextric, and loads of board games and books that my kids now have and use. So don't be so quick to reject it all.
My kids went through books at an amazing rate - having my old books certainly kept them going for a while. (And I was a bit older than your dh when my youngest was born).

Op with the clothes, I'd pick the very best get a few photos and store the rest until LO has outgrown them. Then offer them back or move them on.

Toys I'd probably keep the best and ditch anything that's damaged. I'm ruthless with stuff, too many occasions I've been given stuff beyond its best that someone thought would 'do another kid', but fresh eyes looking at it think it's done and I don't need more clutter.

but none of those are suitable for child under 36 months, many small parts, so not really relevant in this case.
OP, you are right to be cautious, and also you want your child to have their own things, not hand-me-downs.
i fully understand.
nor do you want the hoarding habit to creep into your house or onto your child.
good for you.

Echoing Littleowl153. I had Lego as a kid which was mixed in with 'new' Lego and my eldest is now 28. I've kept brio, dinosaurs, knex, wrestler characters, musical instruments and other bits now 25ish years old ready for next generation. Vet it, wash it and say Thankyou. You might be pleasantly surprised x

I've just read your last post, big house loads of storage, don't give them stuff back. Unless it's for actual use at their house.
If you give them bundles of toys or clothes back it will end up an a shed and sooner or later as their fitness fails, you'll have the job of clearing if out.

OP, I’m with you. You don’t know how they’ve stored these toys and what kind of paint they’ve used for repainting and how new chemicals will react with the old ones. I used old toys/ clothes/ items with my DD but only if I washed/ cleaned them myself and was sure in their safety. Some people would say that we all played with these toys and survived. It’s different as the toys were new. Also those who hasn’t survived can’t comment on this thread so it’s pointless argument.

My parents wanted to pass my old books to my DD - nice sweet gesture you would think. However they kept them in s box at the allotment where mice were and the place was flooded once. I knew this so refused to take them and then mum said yes, of course, the books actually were not in great condition but you liked them so much…. Well I wouldn’t mind having them for DD, they were great books but I wanted her books to be safe and suitable for reading.

If your DH is so sentimental he can play with these toys himself. Your DD should have her own memories.

Books are a funny one, some just seem to date really badly, the stories, the wording, the images, even the images in some pictures books date badly.
Even if the books are in good condition some are just dated, we were given baby books that were maybe 15 years old, possibly published a few years earlier and they were badly dated.

I think there is an issue when people have spent a lot of money at the time, then thinking the next generation could also benefit, not taking into account fashions change and things date. Relatively speaking compared to average wages toys, clothing and books are far cheaper now than they were 30 years ago.

They're trying to be nice.

Yes hoarders are a pita but they're not dumping shit they're trying to make it all nice and putting work in.

They brought a couple of little things? And you took them upstairs straight away. What is actually wrong with them?

I do sympathise. Similar situation here. Things are left around the house when we're not looking to avoid a no. Like. Old books with pages missing on top of DDs bookcases. Bags full of free dvds hidden behind sofa. Ratty old proper shite handed off to kids like. Calendars with dirt on from 80s. All sorts of stuff. Broken kitchen appliances...

But you know. He's lovely and it's because he can't bear to throw stuff away so he gives it to other people and they throw it away.

Finding cups and plates you don't recognise in your cupboards is a headfuck though!

And babies put all sorts in their mouthi mean you should do what you think is right and put stuff away if you don't think it's appropriate.

But they are just trying to be nice.

My only advice is that it will be relentless. It's not just baby stuff they have. It's everything.

So your DH needs to accept that at some point he will have to start saying no thank you to some of it. As my DH did recently to two non functional sewing machines.

Rereading sounds like your dp is a hoarder too. I have two in the house. Good luck OP!

Isn't it funny how an entire generation of children played with these toys and was fine? I mean your DH is literally living proof that those particular set of toys aren't dangerous. Don't spoil something really lovely. Just take the toys and humour them. If you don't want your baby using the painted stuff then just get it out when they're round and watch carefully while it's used. I think it would be unbelievably cruel to not let the grandparents and father pass on stuff to your child that they have saved for all these years. They sound lovely.

If you don't have space, ask them to keep at theirs.

Don't be pfb. I was, and I cringe about it now.

Op just a thought. I think you are going to have to work on DPs attitude to stuff or your going to end up with your house overflowing too. Sad but true my attitude changed once I'd helped with a couple of house clearances.

Remind him that houses are smaller, stuff dates, kids want new, how would he feel if he'd only ever had his Dads or Grandads hand me down stuff.

You simply can't keep everything nor pass everything onto the next generation.

People who say that kids played with these toys 30-30 years ago and are fine, as though it's some sort of gotcha: you do realise that the toys and the materials they are made from age over time, right? They get stored poorly (risk of mildew etc) or may become more brittle (ie easier to break and create sharp edges), or indeed may just have been a poorly considered (chokeable) shape to start with, so lack of accidents is down to luck rather than judgement. So yeah, they may have been sort of safe 40 years ago, but that's no guarantee they are OK now. Same goes for grandparents, IMO - amazingly, response time may vary between a 30yo mum and a 60yo grandmother even if she is the same human. That last one is no-one's fault but it should at least be considered.

As for the varnish - that's not great either and I would be unhappy with it. I think your approach of keeping the key things safe and quietly removing what you can is a great idea.

Am I the only one who is feeling bad for not knowing about baby safe paint…

OP I feel your pain. DH is an only child and has a ridiculous amount of ‘family heirlooms’. I have about 10 huge knitted teddies, including a very creepy clown that I’m not allowed to throw away.

The baby walker should be fine, your baby will be walking holding it, not chewing on it.

I’d somehow be selective about what you take from them. Maybe you need to say that you’d like to choose some things yourself.

Those saying ‘we were fine’, do you apply the same argument to seat belts and car seats? Smoking in the car?
Tines change we we learn more.

*times change

They get stored poorly (risk of mildew etc) or may become more brittle (ie easier to break and create sharp edges), or indeed may just have been a poorly considered (chokeable) shape to start with, so lack of accidents is down to luck rather than judgement

This is true, mildew can be cleaned off so wouldn't worry me. But plastic can become brittle, any toys which are damaged I'd get rid off. But your right about sizes of toys Fisher Price changed the shape of their "little people" because the older peg shape was too easy to swallow.

Definitely more regulation on toys for under 3s than back in the day. Which is also why 2 is a hard age to buy for.

Is unsafe paint still available, or are your pil in possession of paint and varnish passed down the generations?

@alexdgr8 @Lockdownbear

Thank you for your messages! I definitely worry about the hoarding aspect as they always bring down stuff which my DP has forgotten about and keeps asking if he wants certain things soon, as the items are taking up space in their house (even though their house is ridiculously big!)

DP has already tried to keep a few bits of his stuff, technology wise, to give to little one when she’s older. We’re talking like keeping for 10 years or so. One of them was a professional microphone he bought and never actually used (something his dad was interested in but DP never pursued.)

I keep trying to gently tell him that she may not like or be interested in everything he loved as a kid. Course she may also love the same things which would be lovely, but ultimately it’s completely her choice as she’s growing up!

I completely understand those saying things like ‘well we are okay and we played with them.’
If they were brand new made exactly how they would have been back then, I wouldn’t be as cautious. It’s the fact they’ve been used for years (if they were even given new to my DP) then in storage for another 20-30 years where the materials have probably disintegrated and I know they’ve had mice over the years.

@queenMab99 They have garages/workshop full of old paints and varnishes and if at any point someone offers them old tins they would take it, so I really don't know what type they are using!

@NiceGerbil

I completely understand they are trying to be nice and as DP is an only child, it's their first grandchild and it's lovely to see how much they love her.

The things I took upstairs straight away was an old wooden cot mobile and a pram parasol that DP's mum recovered but she left the original frame. Such a lovely gesture, but the actual frame is all rusted and the plastic handle part of the parasol has been chewed by mice and has little chunks out of it.

I'm glad I'm not the only one with someone who just loves things! I love up cycling, but when things are broken and can't be fixed then it's time to throw it away!

I don't think they would even be offended if DP said no to things as they don't mind keeping everything themselves (apart from DPs things he's left there)

The parasol I'd use just now, summer is nearly gone, they are a pita and look for an alternative for spring.
I've seen shade that ties to the hood and to the handle of a modern buggy.

Anything tech sell on, no guarantee that connections won't change and it still be useable in 10 years time.

We currently have a 10 month old little one who's my entire world

You’re being very precious. Be careful it doesn’t slip into a disproportionate anxiety about her health.

However, I have similar in-laws and I too didn’t want a house full of old shit, so I told them to keep them at their house. My BIL and SIL also use me as a dumping ground for all the broken old shit their kids played with that they can’t bring themselves to throw away so by dumping it on me they get to feel environmentally and emotionally superior. 🙄 I had to nip that in the bud too as my H is a total drip at standing up to his overbearing family.