Upset i'm the only single one in the office

[RainbowBriteUk]

I've realised that i'm the only single one in the office of eight other people. I've very recently finished for good with arsehole ex but because i'm fairly new to the role, no one at work knows my status they'll think i'm pathetic because i'm single. I regularly have days where I feel so ugly I switch my camera off on teams meetings and this will add to it. Late thirties and pathetically single.

My teen said tonight (by coincidence...I hadn't mentioned this thread) "If you can't be happy living by yourself, why should you SUBJECT someone to living with you?". I was a bit shocked at the strength of feeling and so asked why. "Because you're relying on someone else to make you happy when you can't make yourself happy. How is that fair?" Never a truer word spoken.

No one knows or cares about your relationship status, and no one will think less of you for it. But they'd probably think less of you if they knew you were obsessing over what they'd think of you, to the point where it affects your actions at work.

Not at all pathetic OP, you had the strength to get out of a relationship that was bad for you, I think you’re awesome! (43 here and single, I would rather be on my own than with another dickhead…)

I don't know the relationship status of most people I work with, neither do I care.

@RainbowBriteUk

I've realised that i'm the only single one in the office of eight other people. I've very recently finished for good with arsehole ex but because i'm fairly new to the role, no one at work knows my status they'll think i'm pathetic because i'm single. I regularly have days where I feel so ugly I switch my camera off on teams meetings and this will add to it. Late thirties and pathetically single.

Thanks for making me feel wonderful about myself OP

Why would they think you are pathetic? It isn't compulsory to be in a relationship. And how is it any of their business anyway? Is what other people think of your personal life, really that important?

Maybe you should learn how to enjoy your own company before you look for a new relationship.

They might be envious of your single status.

What is pathetic about being single?

There's lots to envy about singledom, esp the confidence of choosing it. As a lot of people stuck in a miserable relationships will tell you. I know this because I've been there.

Try and regain some perspective.

You could start with the Relationships board on here.

I hate having to have my camera on for video calls and all i do is keep looking at myself and thinking about how awful and old I look. I have started putting a bank card against the bottom of my screen so I can't see myself and it makes me feel so much better about being on the call. It's not normal to look at yourself while chatting to someone else and it's just creating a negative self talk all day in your head. There is probably a setting to turn this off but the bank card works for me.

Hmm I was aware of and thought about my colleagues’ relationship statuses if I actually sat close to them and were friendly enough that we’d chat a lot. In that case it was just more a case of chatting about what we were both up to and whatnot, so obviously it came up but not in a “ha she’s pathetic!” type way obviously … because that would be really weird .
If we’re talking about colleagues I wasn’t actually work friends with, can’t say I ever gave it a passing thought.

In the nicest possible way, OP- nobody cares.

Honestly, truly, hand on my heart you would be shocked if you knew how little people ACTUALLY care about anybody else’s personal circumstances.

Think about yourself. When you’re in the office, do you sit there looking at your colleagues thinking about their health scares, difficult children, caring responsibilities for elderly parents, or struggles buying a new house and judging them for it?

Thought not.

Similarly, nobody is doing that with you.

You sound very distressed though, and I hope you’ll be kind to yourself

I’m late 40s, divorced & very happily single - like you, the only single one in my team. No, I don’t think the rest see me as pathetic - why would they be so judgemental over something that’s nothing to do with them?

I’m infinitely happier than I was in my bad relationship nearly 10 years ago, & very glad I had the strength to get out of it. You had that strength too. But when I got out of it, my ego & self-esteem had been ripped to shreds & I had to build them both up again. Is that what happened to you?

I'm the only single one in my team of 5. I love being single and one of my colleagues tells me she admires me for not just having a relationship for the sake of it.

Being single is not pathetic. Maybe you need some therapy to figure out why you think you need another person to feel worthwhile.

Op I’m in a tight friendship group of 8 women, we are all late 30s and I’m the only one in a long term relationship. Far from being pathetic, my single friends are empowered, they live life on their own terms. They are funny, interesting and intelligent. They have great friendships, hobbies, holidays, and are successful at work. I think you need to stop projecting and reframe your new found freedom.

I don't judge people for being single. I assume it's by choice. I don't vie being married or in a couple as superior nor as a goal in life per se.

I think there's lots of older women out there who feel boring and ugly old married women which is insecurity rather than reality.

It's all about how you frame things.

You are not pathetic or ugly. You are embarking on a new chapter in life . You are independent. You don't take any shit. You got rid of the arse hole ex. Pathetic would have been sticking with him because you didn't want to be single.

No one judges looks at work. If they do they're the a*hole.

Turn your camera on. Enjoy getting to know your team better. Forget being single. That's one of the least important or relevant things about you. Once they get past "can you do the job well" then they will just want to know if you are pleasant to work with.

Consider using some of those mindfulness or CBT / self hypnosis things you listen and relax to and give you positive mental attitude. I always liked Paul McKenna for confidence building.

I was single at 38 and stayed single for five years, my colleagues found me much more interesting back then than now I’m married! I disagree that no one’s interested in their colleagues’ lives but no one will be judging you for your relationship status. People split up, people divorce, life ebbs and flows. It’s not like you’ve always been single so you are a case in point.

Well done for leaving a crappy relationship. Your main issue here is your low self esteem which may be the result of your recent split, we can all feel a bit rubbish after going through a stressful break up, I was 37 when I left my rubbish, toxic ex and it really made me feel bad about myself, hence being single for so long subsequently, I needed to get my confidence back after he had royally fucked it. So in your words I was ‘pathetically single’ ‘til I was 43, happily married but now I’m the odd one out again as we don’t have children! Currently going through IVF and surrounded by colleagues have kids or being pregnant, that’s a bit rubbish too but I don’t feel judged by anyone. Get your self esteem sorted and I promise you will lose your hang up about what others think about you

@ZenNudist

I don't judge people for being single. I assume it's by choice. I don't vie being married or in a couple as superior nor as a goal in life per se.

I think there's lots of older women out there who feel boring and ugly old married women which is insecurity rather than reality.

It's all about how you frame things.

You are not pathetic or ugly. You are embarking on a new chapter in life . You are independent. You don't take any shit. You got rid of the arse hole ex. Pathetic would have been sticking with him because you didn't want to be single.

No one judges looks at work. If they do they're the a*hole.

Turn your camera on. Enjoy getting to know your team better. Forget being single. That's one of the least important or relevant things about you. Once they get past "can you do the job well" then they will just want to know if you are pleasant to work with.

Consider using some of those mindfulness or CBT / self hypnosis things you listen and relax to and give you positive mental attitude. I always liked Paul McKenna for confidence building.

Pathetic would have been sticking with him because you didn't want to be single

This ^ and I was that person 🤦🏻‍♀️

@Wrenna

Yabu, But-do what I did, embellish, embellish, embellish if it makes you feel better. A night of half hearted (had to get tipsy to even get into it) at a club with a singles group transformed into ‘a night of cocktails and dancing’, etc. You’ll soon have your co-workers green with envy and wish They were single.

Pathetic. OP don't take that path.

Sorry you are feeling down but I doubt anyone at work cares if you are single or not. Being single is not 'pathetic', you don't need a partner or spouse to be 'complete'.

Isn't it better being single than in a relationship with an arsehole?

At work I care if one of my colleagues is struggling, and most employers have an employee assistance programme with a counselling helpline. If I was your colleague and saw you were struggling I’d point out the helpline. I wouldn’t be thinking about you being single or not, just that you’re not feeling well and therefore probably not going to be working very well.

If I put it in a harsher way, I need you to be fit and able to work, so whatever it is that’s making you feel like this needs to be addressed.

You need some help and support if the end of your relationship makes you feel like this.

Agree with all pps who say they probably envy you. For most people life is not exciting, it is mundane. You are probably the interesting one.
I hate looking at myself on zoom too; I look old. I would like to be in my 30s, looks wise. Try to smile and be cheerful, honestly , you are young, there is time for good things to happen .

I was single in early 2020 - did some self improvement and then something very unexpectedly good happened. Believe me if it can happen to me it can happen to anyone

I agree with the poster who said do not embellish!!

When im asked what I did at the weekend, i just say "i relaxed!"

Sometimes i see friends but i know that i saw them, i dont need my colleagues to know.

OP, you should be feeling at least marginally proud you ended a bad relationship, not looking down on single people — because I’m assuming you do, in order to believe your colleagues feel that way.