Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

An actual AIBU - would you do this?

67 replies

Surewhynot · 28/08/2021 18:43

DH has a meeting type event which he has to drive about 30 miles across London for once a week. One of the other members lives about 20 mins away from us and has started regularly asking DH for a lift, but if DH can’t take him for whatever reason, the guy will just refuse to go. DH doesn’t like taking him because it adds extra time to the journey to pick him up and drop him off. Also, apparently the guy just falls asleep and snores the whole way in the passenger seat.

To avoid a drip feed, the guy is a family friend and DH has known him since he was a child but they are not close, IYSWIM.

DH is super easy going and feels a bit guilty about not wanting to take him but is equally annoyed at the expectation. The guy basically doesn’t want to drive himself there (or offer DH a lift instead) even though he’s retired because he’s a bit lazy and doesn’t want to pay for petrol. He’s quite happy to go if someone takes him but he won’t go under his own steam unless absolutely forced to.

Last week, he asked DH again for a lift and DH made an excuse. But in the same conversation, he asked again for the coming week and when DH told him he couldn’t, the guy was apparently a bit put out and made a comment along the lines of ‘well, I can’t miss every week, can I?’

I’m much less nice about piss-takers and told DH that it’s this guy’s problem if he doesn’t want to get there himself. He owns more than one car and absolutely does not have money troubles or any kind of disability. DH shouldn’t feel like he has to take him.

The subject came up with MiL today (she knows the guy too) and she thinks that DH is being mean and should just take him as he’s going there anyway. She thinks I’m being unreasonable for saying that DH shouldn’t take him to the meeting. I don’t think I am. So, AIBU?

OP posts:
LutherRalph1 · 28/08/2021 18:47

If it was someone less of a knob, I'd probably say if you can get to me I will take you and drop you back to mine and you can make your own way home

But the " well I can't miss every week" is just plain arrogant

poullou · 28/08/2021 18:51

YANBU.

CFs like this guy have convinced themselves that other people owe them a life and so can blame people like your DH for missing out without a hint of irony.

Just get DH to continue to refuse. Don't give details as to why he can't do it or give other options - just a simple "No, it doesn't suit".

WeatherwaxLives · 28/08/2021 18:51

I think it's up to DH, as it's him that's inconvenienced, and you supporting him in his decision is the right thing to do.

His 'I can't miss every week' comment was the perfect opportunity for DH to say something like 'no, you can't, so it's best you make your own way there from now on as I can't commit to regularly giving you a lift.'

Even if he did have money troubles or a disability (I say as someone disabled, who has been so far in the red you could barely see my eyes at one point) it STILL wouldn't be your DHs problem!

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 28/08/2021 18:52

"Well I can't miss every week can I?"

"Well drive yourself then!"

Or, like @LutherRalph1 says, your dh could say "if you want a lift then get yourself to mine by the time I leave and I'll take you and bring you back here"

MIL needs to get her beak out though, or take him herself!

EdithWeston · 28/08/2021 18:53

I'd take him, if he could get to mine, or an agreed point I was passing en route anyhow.

I would not be going to pick someone up unless
a) they were temporarily incapacitated (I gave a lot of 'duty lifts' to a colleague in a fracture boot), or
b) I liked them and they were paying petrol

MyFloorIsLava · 28/08/2021 18:53

If the guy wasn't a dick, he would drive the 20 minutes to your house, leave his car there, then drive himself home from yours. He'd also offer petrol money. But he is a dick. An extra 40 minutes driving when you've gone across London and back again is a big ask, your DH shouldn't feel guilty at all.

AngelPrint · 28/08/2021 18:54

If they were taking it in turns or the guy offered petrol money, maybe. Although even then I hate being in a regular expectation as sometimes I just want to drive alone for the peace.

In your case, hell no would I be doing that! I’d make regular excuses or just say sorry the extra time it takes doesn’t work for me.

Lucyccfc68 · 28/08/2021 18:54

I wonder what the response would be if your DH turned the tables and asked for a lift?

grafittiartist · 28/08/2021 18:55

I have been in the same situation- and the refusal to go without the lift pushed me into backing out of the arrangement.
I resented the responsibility.

tulippa · 28/08/2021 18:56

What would they say if your DH said 'OK I'll drive us both this week, you can drive next week and pick me up on the way?'

Original poster
Surewhynot · 28/08/2021 18:56

MIL needs to get her beak out though, or take him herself!

Grin My reply to her was ‘well, YOU take him then!’

Totally agree that it’s down to DH. I think he probably would be less bothered if the man offered him a lift sometimes or offered petrol money.

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 28/08/2021 19:01

I wouldn’t go and pick him up. If he was prepared to get himself to my house I’d carry on with the lifts on the basis that no time, money or inconvenience was involved.

Theunamedcat · 28/08/2021 19:01

He can say he isnt going either then show up anyway see how/if he gets there with no lift forthcoming

Wrenna · 28/08/2021 19:02

Yanbu. At all.

BritishSummertime · 28/08/2021 19:06

No way, it's out of DH's way and the CF doesn't even offer petrol money 'because he's going anyway' conveniently ignoring the fact it is out of his way

gannett · 28/08/2021 19:08

This guy is 100% a piss-taker, you know it and your DH knows it.

I do understand how difficult it is to nip it in the bud though. All very well for MNers to tell you to stop doing it but that's not how real-life relationships among people who want to avoid confrontation work.

What value does he bring to this meeting event, or to your DH's life generally? Is he entertaining, witty, kind?

There are people in my life who I allow to take the piss a bit because I get a lot of joy out of their company. I wouldn't give the same leeway to dull people.

Bargebill19 · 28/08/2021 19:12

Erm. Am I missing something? It’s across London- cf can take the local transport bus/train/tube etc or drive himself (either to yours or the venue)

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 28/08/2021 19:13

Cant he just say 'good idea to go in together again, it's your turn, I'll be at your house / meet at x at 8.

Chloemol · 28/08/2021 19:15

Well if he wants a lift then as a minimum he makes his way to yours so your dh is not inconvenienced. Your dh also needs to tell him he lays towards petrol

Otherwise he can use public transport to get there if he doesn’t want to drive

JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue · 28/08/2021 19:19

He owns more than one car and absolutely does not have money troubles or any kind of disability.

And how do you think he's managed to afford two cars? Being a CF and getting other people to schlep him around. He is probably similarly a CF when it comes to buying rounds, to taking people out for a meal and splitting the bill evenly, that kind of thing.

girlmom21 · 28/08/2021 19:19

YANBU at all.
Can the guy meet your DH somewhere that's actually on route to the location instead?

Original poster
Surewhynot · 28/08/2021 19:25

@gannett

This guy is 100% a piss-taker, you know it and your DH knows it.

I do understand how difficult it is to nip it in the bud though. All very well for MNers to tell you to stop doing it but that's not how real-life relationships among people who want to avoid confrontation work.

What value does he bring to this meeting event, or to your DH's life generally? Is he entertaining, witty, kind?

There are people in my life who I allow to take the piss a bit because I get a lot of joy out of their company. I wouldn't give the same leeway to dull people.

He’s nice enough, but a bit of a billy bullshitter, full of tall stories. He and DH get on ok but not well enough for DH to want to go out of his way every week for him.

I just asked DH what would happen if he turned the tables and asked for a lift and he said he’s fairly sure the guy would find an excuse not to. He thinks it’s more about him not wanting to pay for petrol.

OP posts:
Original poster
Surewhynot · 28/08/2021 19:28

There is no chance whatsoever he would use public transport! I’ve heard him say before that he thinks the tube is awful.

OP posts:
MrsLargeEmbodied · 28/08/2021 19:31

does he actually use his car?

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 28/08/2021 19:34

Agree its nice amd easy on the intermet to say no. Real life can be trickier.

I am would go for "its a detour i dont have time - sorry"

If feeling extra generous Your DP should propose they alternate weeks.
Either he says no - in which case you say look that doesnt work and isn't fine, you'll need to make your own way then you cheeky fuck
He says yes to half and half - and they do and it's fine.
He say yes then renegs. Your DH gives him a fair chance (say 2 or 3 lifts) and says "look i gave you a fair chance, this isnt working you should make your own way you cheely fuck "

Swipe left for the next trending thread