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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

An actual AIBU - would you do this?

67 replies

Surewhynot · 28/08/2021 18:43

DH has a meeting type event which he has to drive about 30 miles across London for once a week. One of the other members lives about 20 mins away from us and has started regularly asking DH for a lift, but if DH can’t take him for whatever reason, the guy will just refuse to go. DH doesn’t like taking him because it adds extra time to the journey to pick him up and drop him off. Also, apparently the guy just falls asleep and snores the whole way in the passenger seat.

To avoid a drip feed, the guy is a family friend and DH has known him since he was a child but they are not close, IYSWIM.

DH is super easy going and feels a bit guilty about not wanting to take him but is equally annoyed at the expectation. The guy basically doesn’t want to drive himself there (or offer DH a lift instead) even though he’s retired because he’s a bit lazy and doesn’t want to pay for petrol. He’s quite happy to go if someone takes him but he won’t go under his own steam unless absolutely forced to.

Last week, he asked DH again for a lift and DH made an excuse. But in the same conversation, he asked again for the coming week and when DH told him he couldn’t, the guy was apparently a bit put out and made a comment along the lines of ‘well, I can’t miss every week, can I?’

I’m much less nice about piss-takers and told DH that it’s this guy’s problem if he doesn’t want to get there himself. He owns more than one car and absolutely does not have money troubles or any kind of disability. DH shouldn’t feel like he has to take him.

The subject came up with MiL today (she knows the guy too) and she thinks that DH is being mean and should just take him as he’s going there anyway. She thinks I’m being unreasonable for saying that DH shouldn’t take him to the meeting. I don’t think I am. So, AIBU?

OP posts:

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 28/08/2021 19:35

The next time the guy phones your DH can say, "why don't you take us both this week and I'll take us both next week". The guy will make some excuse why it should be your DH and not him and your DH can say "well, if it doesn't suit we can just make our own way then".

Notaroadrunner · 28/08/2021 20:07

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar

Perfect response.

Original poster

Surewhynot · 28/08/2021 20:07

@MrsLargeEmbodied

does he actually use his car?

He does, I think but probably only local stuff or visiting his kids because they don’t live near here. He’s very much a car as a status symbol person. I don’t know what he has now but he used to have a fully kitted our Range Rover.

OP posts:

Starstar7 · 28/08/2021 20:13

Is it the Masons?

Hemingwaycat · 28/08/2021 20:15

YANBU. He can’t be arsed going unless someone ferries him there and back for free, he’s cheap and lazy. Let him miss out if he wants to, it’s not your DH’s issue.

Floralnomad · 28/08/2021 20:19

Just tell him that he can have a lift if he gets himself to your house and gets himself home from your house , that way it is not an inconvenience to your husband as he’s going anyway .

Rogue1001 · 28/08/2021 20:20

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar

Absolutely.

And/or raise the issue of petrol money.

People only walk over others if they let them!

Tistheseason17 · 28/08/2021 20:34

"I'm finding it quite tiring driving the extra to you each way. If you can drive to me for xx am I'll drive you from mine. If not you'll need to make your own way there."

Original poster

Surewhynot · 28/08/2021 20:42

@Starstar7

Is it the Masons?

No, it’s more of a livery company type thing for the industry they are/were both in.

Actually, I should have been really evasive about the meetings and said it was outing before eventually admitting that it’s cycling.

OP posts:

DancesWithTortoises · 28/08/2021 20:52

DH nearly got trapped into a similar situation after giving a lift to a regular meeting to a chap whose car was having repairs done.

The next week the guy asked again and DH obliged even though it added nearly half an hour to each journey.

When the chap phoned the week after DH asked how long the car was going to be off the road. He admitted it was fixed but he was hoping DH wouldn't mind because he didn't like driving to the location. DH said if he wanted a lift he had to drive to us and he'd take him but otherwise he had to make his own way.

Some people are natural CFs.

honeybuns007 · 28/08/2021 20:58

Oh this is simple. DH needs to say 'you drive this time, I've driven all the other times and we can then move forward sharing the lifts' . If the guy makes excuses then your DH needs to be blunt - 'Oh, so you just want me to do all the driving. Why would you think that was OK?..nah, that's not happening'.

StoneofDestiny · 28/08/2021 21:14

I'd never give him a lift. He's entitled, mean, rude and poor company on the journey. I'd just tell him straight - it's costing me time and money to chauffeur you door to door every week. (I'd calculate the cost and mention it. It's irrelevant your DH is going anyway.)

If your DH can't tell him straight - just tell him he is doing things before and after the meeting that means it's no longer possible to provide a taxi service.

DrManhattan · 28/08/2021 21:20

100% entitled cheeky F

SheSaidHummingbird · 28/08/2021 21:42

Your DH needs to make it plain that going forwards, he expects petrol money. If the guy makes the age old excuse "but you're going anyway" then DH can explain how inconvenient the extra mileage and time is. No money, no lift. Totally reasonable.

Original poster

Surewhynot · 28/08/2021 21:47

Well, DH has already told him he can’t take him next week so it’ll be interesting to see if he turns up.

DH is one of those genuinely nice people who will always try and help others even if it inconveniences him. That was why I was annoyed with MiL for guilting him over giving Snoring Tightwad a lift. This is a whole other thread really, but she expects him to be at her beck and call as well for other family members and she clearly thinks Snoring Tightwad is an extension of the family.

OP posts:

freelions · 28/08/2021 21:55

YANBU, if it was less often it would be different but every week is a big obligation

If the man has a car then why can't he at least drive to your house, leave his car there and get a lift with your DH?

Does your DH care one way or another whether this guy attends the meetings or not?

Hiphopboppertybop99 · 28/08/2021 21:55

As many PPs have said your DH and CF should alternate each week. CF should still drive to yours, so he can then take himself home upon return without your DH having to go out of his way.
If CF doesn't like this arrangement then he should make his own way there. Tell your DH to stand his ground.

Datsandcogs · 28/08/2021 21:59

Snoring Tightwad is a true CFer.

DH is going to the meeting, ST knows he is going. DH needs to be very clear with boundaries.

I would give ST 1 more chance but be very clear that he needs to come to you so as not to add to DH’s journey. Beyond that I would say the taxi service is now off the road and if he continues to want to share the journey he needs to share the cost and contribute for petrol, but again get to and from your house independently.

Conversations like that are tricky, is there any chance that this could be sent by text or email, less awkwardness and no chance for misunderstandings that way.

Original poster

Surewhynot · 28/08/2021 22:07

Does your DH care one way or another whether this guy attends the meetings or not?

Not really. ST is more of a ‘senior’ member because he’s been going longer than DH, but whether he’s there or not is not really an issue for DH.

OP posts:

Original poster

Surewhynot · 28/08/2021 22:13

TBF, I think DH will stand his ground this time because of the ‘I can’t miss every week’ comment. While he is super nice, he can properly dig his heels in sometimes.

OP posts:

LookItsMeAgain · 28/08/2021 22:26

If he keeps asking, your DH could say "Do you see a Taxi sign on the roof of my car? No? Well, there you go"

It's not up to your DH to get ST to and from whatever it is they go to individually nor is it up to MiL to get involved.

As for the "I can't miss every week" comment, the only suitable retort for that is "There's nothing stopping you getting there under your own power is there?"

TedMullins · 28/08/2021 22:33

He’s a pisstaker. Get your DH to tell him he’s going to start taking the tube rather than driving

Chachachawoo · 28/08/2021 22:43

What about agreeing to take him and then playing full volume thrash metal or baby shark for the entire journey or have you call him on loudspeaker to discuss that fungal toe infection...
Also married to an extra kind heart. Fending off pss takers is exhausting.
Hope he holds his ground

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 28/08/2021 22:57

OP I've seen several people suggest the guy driving to your house and then your DH taking him. Have you asked your DH about making that suggestion?

Original poster

Surewhynot · 28/08/2021 23:09

@YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer

OP I've seen several people suggest the guy driving to your house and then your DH taking him. Have you asked your DH about making that suggestion?

Unfortunately, that’s not a goer as there is no on-street parking near our house. There’s a car park about 5 mins away but I’m 99% certain he wouldn’t leave his P&J in there.

I’ve suggested to DH previously that he tell ST they will do alternate weeks but he seems pretty certain that that ST will find reasons not to on his week.

DH just mentioned MiL’s comment again and asked if I really thought he was being mean so it’s obviously been preying on his mind. I just said again that ST was taking the piss and that DH is not a fucking taxi driver.

OP posts:

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