To think OLD men are like a conveyor belt of idiots?

[Whatonearth2021]

Reeling, fuming, please be kind.

In the 18 months since exH walked out on me and 3DS the first week of first lockdown, I have got myself two really good jobs after being out the workforce for 3 years. Done my utmost to care for my traumatised 3DS, driven to Devon for hols when I have a phobia of driving…achieved so much, and gained 3 stone.

Stupidly dipped toe into OLD. Had nice chat with a local guy. Met for coffee briefly yesterday - weird chemistry. Thought no more about it.

Today he messaged, we started talking. Good conversation - quite open. I thought ok, could be a local friend when everyone else is smug married.

Then he says…when were your photos taken. I said last week (true). He said f’off - filter then? I said (increasingly pissed off) - no, why do I look old or something?

He said, being honest, I didn’t think you were as big as you are.

And with that sentence from a complete stranger, my achievements of the past year fade, and my self esteem is back on the floor.

I know you need a thick skin to OLD, I know tomorrow this will be a rueful story. But right now I need some solidarity. So if anyone is up, please salve my wounded soul that it’s not just me - OLD men are just not worth the headspace 😅

After many years of OLD here are my tips
for OLD
1 don't take it seriously until after date 3
2 never give your address
3 as soon as the chat becomes sexual, including underwear comments ... block
These want sex only.
4 don't get dressed up for a date, meet for coffee first in your normal day wear
5 chat on phone before meeting to see if you like their personality
6 don't be afraid to walk out of a date if they're a d:ck
7 think of the 'dates' as 'meets'
8 enjoy it... everyone's looking for someone it's nobodies fault if you don't have 'chemistry' ... move on

Good luck.

@EishetChayil yep sold a pup it’s true. I’ve been in two relationships in 10 years one 9 years one 1 year and fuck me im so liking being on my own I eat what I want I do what I want I see who I want when I see the complete imbeciles my friends are with I think fuck that

You made it clear he wasn’t get any immediate rumpy pumpy and this was his disappointed bruised ego’s reaction.

Size 14 is not big for a start! What happened here is that you told him it was friends and he took offence. He can now narrate it as you were interested but you were to big for him.

I did old years ago and it was a bit better then. But I still met some very odd men. Forget it OP!

It is not a man thing…The OP post and replies are also very similar to the what men in OLD get from women.

He says you are fat and people say he is thumb… same kind of behaviour isn’t it?

I think the problem with OLD is that both women and men are chasing for a “perfect” partner while displaying themselves as the perfect and best version of what they would like to be.
Both are lying to themselves and the other by doing that.

I do agree however agree that no matter how wonderful you are, being slightly overweight reduces your chances of finding a partner tenfold, whether you are a man or a woman. The main disadvantage for women is that while we are raising the children mostly on our own, working full time and dealing with a lot of stuff… many men are at the gym or on a bike enjoying a new free time/spare money most of us women simply do not have to improve our looks while raising the kids.

@Gothichouse40

Invariably, I find most men are only interested in slim, usually blonde younger women. One piece of advice from someone I knew who tried OLD was go for a paying site. The free ones are full of odd men or married ones. My friend was quoting from her own experience.

I find most men are just after a one night stand and don't particularly car what the woman looks like

OP I'm going to be brutally honest. Initially, I thought, well, he's a rude git, but then she did mislead him with her appearance, and no one likes their time wasted.

Then, your update.

This is nothing to do with you being the size of a sparrow or not. Nothing. You friend zoned him. And he couldn't take it. Please see that.

I'm a nice looking woman (certainly used to be, definitely less alluring with baby twins in tow ) and would get got hit quite often. I'd be approached with varying "hello, you're beautiful, may I have your number/fancy dinner/drinks?" But my god, when I said no. I was called awful things. Within 10 seconds they'd go from the cringing charm offensive to vile.

Literally, one one occasion:

"Hello, I had to come over and tell you how lovely you are"
"Oh, thank you, it's very kind of you to say"
"I don't see a ring..."
"Yes, I'm not with anyone"
"So if you give me your number, we could have dinner this weekend?"
"I'm very flattered, but I'm not looking for anything right now, thank you though"
"Stuck up cunt, no wonder you're single"

That was outside Waterstones in Bury St Edmunds. I'd literally just parked. I got back in my car and went home because that miserable bastard called me such a nasty name. So I get you, it does hurt. But I promise you, it's because you rejected first. So they have to make out they didn't want you anyway.

@Jossse

After many years of OLD here are my tips for OLD 1 don't take it seriously until after date 3 2 never give your address 3 as soon as the chat becomes sexual, including underwear comments ... block These want sex only. 4 don't get dressed up for a date, meet for coffee first in your normal day wear 5 chat on phone before meeting to see if you like their personality 6 don't be afraid to walk out of a date if they're a d:ck 7 think of the 'dates' as 'meets' 8 enjoy it... everyone's looking for someone it's nobodies fault if you don't have 'chemistry' ... move on

Good luck.

^ That a thousand times.

@HugeAckmansWife

🙄'clearky twars' = clearly twats.

I like "clearky twars!" We should start using that! 😁

Wow having seen your update well, he sounds like an incel tbh

Does he??? Incel because he said she was fat? Jesus…That’s being a tear not an incel!

@helentomelon

Wow having seen your update well, he sounds like an incel tbh

I'm not sure you know what an incel is.

clearky twars

He was definitely a clearky twar, OP.

@supermoonrising

I guess weight/size is a difficult one, as unless there’s an actual category, it’s hard to see how big or tall someone is from a photo. Some people you can tell but some people may look very thin from the shoulders up when actually they’re very large.

Never used online dating so no idea what categories are included. But I guess it makes sense that if there is a place where you must list your height then there should also be one where you list your current weight.

I'm not sure... I use the "curvy" category for myself and I've had one man say he was expecting me to be fat as curvy is apparently code for fat which I wasn't. And I've had another man say he was expecting big boobs and bum and a tiny waist because that's what curvy means to him.

Even if you put your dress size or weight it doesn't really mean much as the actual look can vary so much

OLD is seriously grim. I read the thread and agree that he was cruel about your weight because you rejected him. If he thought he had been in with a chance, he wouldn't have said anything about it.

He got nasty because she friend zoned him. Clearly pissed off a woman didn't want to sleep with him. Thinks he deserves her affection and is mean when he gets turned down. Involuntarily celibate. Angry about it. Incel.

Dickhead

I’m a size 14 and always tick the curvy/ample/large category. So although I’m not huge I always make it clear that I’m not slim! Haven’t had any complaints but your meet sounds like an absolute dickhead.

Look - the weight thing - let me make it clear, there was no intention to deceive. The points I’m making here are:

1. Even if he had every right to feel disappointed when he met me (and I dispute that) why initiate conversation and engineer video call the next day just to tell me that??

1. It’s a sad reflection on me that after a harrowing year where I’ve gained more self respect than I’ve had in years by finding strength, determination and grit that I didn’t know I had in me, the unkind words of a stranger have the power to make me feel so shit about myself.

Off to work on me - as so many have suggested! (And to steer clear of the cake!)

Wow what a catch - not. At least you found out early what a twat he is before wasting too much time on him. I think you sound great - so what if you gained a bit of weight?! Focus on all you have achieved and don't give him another thought. Better on your own than with a dick like him

Even if he had every right to feel disappointed when he met me (and I dispute that) why initiate conversation and engineer video call the next day just to tell me that??

It's his ego. He had to be the one to say 'no' - because you got in first, he made himself feel better by insulting you.

What a dick. Bin him off. Don’t even respond. Block and move on. I did OLD on and off for a couple of years. Had to take regular breaks if too many idiots came along that conveyor belt! It’s hard work. I got loads of ridiculously personal questions as opening lines - what weight are you?/measurements/cup size etc. Guys telling me they wouldn’t usually go for someone as far as me! 🤣. I think some of these idiots think they are the fucking prize. So many bellends. I’ve never told so many folk to fuck off. Quite liberating! I did meet a few nice guys that I had flings with and then in amongst all the idiots/cheeky bastards I met my husband. Go by your gut. If you thought your first meet was weird that’s because it was. Good luck! x

*as FAT as me 🤣

@Whatonearth2021

I have never seen a more obvious case of 'it's not, its him'. As others have said, he clearly didn't like the fact you weren't interested in him sexually and felt the need to try and diminish you to serve his own ego. Don't let him!

FWIW I've been dabbling with OLD the last year, albeit not looking for anything serious. I'm an attractive blonde but I'm also overweight (considerably larger than you)!

Admittedly my profile pics are flattering head shots, but as soon as I'm chatting to someone and it appears they are interested in something beyond an evening of sexting , I'll send a flattering but unfiltered full length pic and make it clear that I'm more Lizzo than Liz Hurley.

I've chatted to several guys, met a couple, had a fling or two, and never had to deal with this crap, even though I've been the one to draw a line under things on both occasions.

I'm taking some time out now because I want to focus on myself for a bit, and tbh I want to shift some weight to improve my self confidence for me (actually the only person to comment on my weight in a dating context has been my mother...'does he know how big you are?' when I went on my first date since my divorce ).

If that's how you feel too, fair play, but don't let this idiot put you off if you want to be out there meeting people and dating. There's plenty of dross to sift through but there are some decent blokes out there too.

OP,
I'm sorry you had this - for sure there is that kind of crap and worse out there.

But if it is helpful to know, it is possible to find gems on OLD. I am three and a half years into the happiest relationship of my life and we met on OLD.

A few tips:

1. Look for people who are new to the site .... the probability of them being functioning, well-meaning, viable men who have simply come out of a relationship and are now open to another is much higher
2. Profiles that are actually filled out fully
3. I always offered only coffee in the middle of the day as a first date, and quite quickly after an initial online chat if I thought they were a potential. This Filters out 3 types I didn't want: 1. the ones who just want a quick leg over (no problem with that, but not what I wanted) 2. twats who can hide their twatiness in online chats, and I might get excited about and invested in because I am projecting hopes... all becomes much clearer with a quick coffee. 3. Blokes put off by a woman who takes initiative and sets their own terms. Moving quite fast to coffee also makes it more likely you will grab someone fresh who is viable before he gets back into a relationship... chatting online for months is losing opportunity. Coffee in the middle of the day also keeps you safer. Lunch was always my second date. Non-negotiable. If they didn't like me (and vice versa) enough to do lunch then they were out. They were allowed to reschedule once, if done respectfully of my time. Never more than that. Even if sincere, rescheduling twice, you are just not a priority. Dinner soonest on third date. Very few got that far.
4. Think of it as a science experiment and don't get too invested. This is a job- you are interviewing candidates. You need to work people through a funnel. OLD is great In That you have a a big initial pool (literally, you are posting a job on the internet). My wonderful partner is someone I would never, ever have met through more 'natural' means, as we are parts of totally different communities, so OLD is fantastic from this point of view). The downside is 99% aren't right and you end up talking to loads of weird or unpleasant people you wouldn't otherwise. You want to filter them out and not waste your time. Think of it as them needing to jump through hoops to get to final interview stage. First you cut out all the crap that don't fit the criteria you know you want. Then you cut out the ones who can't be bothered to write a decent cover letter (their profile). Then you cut out the ones who can't hold a civilised online chat....etc.... keep your funnel/pipeline full of people but filter rigorously (I was always chatting online with about 10-20; open for coffee with about 5; 2 at the lunch stage..) if you think of it as a funnel and think "great - got rid of/added someone to the funnel" rather than "oooh I've started chatting to someone... maybe he's the one" it's a lot less soul-destroying when you work out somebody is a twat.
5. Think of the first six months as nothing but experience-building. This is especially important if you haven't done OLD before or have been out of dating a long time. I didn't have a clue... but those first months were great for learning how it all worked, the huge variety of ways in which men could be twats (or superficially lovely)... dating codes etc... and actually working out what I wanted ..again, takes the pressure off 'is this guy right for me' or even worse "does this guy like me?" kind of thinking....

Hope this is useful, well done on all your awesome achievements and good luck!