To think OLD men are like a conveyor belt of idiots?

[Whatonearth2021]

Reeling, fuming, please be kind.

In the 18 months since exH walked out on me and 3DS the first week of first lockdown, I have got myself two really good jobs after being out the workforce for 3 years. Done my utmost to care for my traumatised 3DS, driven to Devon for hols when I have a phobia of driving…achieved so much, and gained 3 stone.

Stupidly dipped toe into OLD. Had nice chat with a local guy. Met for coffee briefly yesterday - weird chemistry. Thought no more about it.

Today he messaged, we started talking. Good conversation - quite open. I thought ok, could be a local friend when everyone else is smug married.

Then he says…when were your photos taken. I said last week (true). He said f’off - filter then? I said (increasingly pissed off) - no, why do I look old or something?

He said, being honest, I didn’t think you were as big as you are.

And with that sentence from a complete stranger, my achievements of the past year fade, and my self esteem is back on the floor.

I know you need a thick skin to OLD, I know tomorrow this will be a rueful story. But right now I need some solidarity. So if anyone is up, please salve my wounded soul that it’s not just me - OLD men are just not worth the headspace 😅

You are right and I think it's actually gotten worse. My main old days were 2014/15 and I met a lot of odd men, tbh they at least had the good grace to not insult me to my face for the most part. Well the ones I met anyway, on the sites was a crap shoot.

Are you going to keep at it? I had one relationship which was a frigging disaster, also made one good friend (he's a dumpster fire, wouldn't want to date). Have given up now, too disillusioned.

Please don’t allow him to take your confidence, his comments say more about him than you and it’s actually a bonus when they reveal their true nature early on. OLD is full of crap. I’m not sure that paid sites are any better/worse than free. They clearly lie about their age, take photos in toilets or heavily masked so their wives won’t know. A significant percentage have model type pictures and claim to be orthopaedic surgeons. I find it’s best to meet or at least talk fairly soon and just allow them to talk about themselves-they usually reveal all!

“In the 18 months since exH walked out on me and 3DS the first week of first lockdown, I have got myself two really good jobs after being out the workforce for 3 years. Done my utmost to care for my traumatised 3DS, driven to Devon for hols when I have a phobia of driving…achieved so much“
I honour you!
You are a strong woman .
Your 3 DS s will admire and respect you one day, especially if you don’t let unkind men into your life .
Love and big hug xx

Try not to be upset. It's possible that people who do a lot of OLD, talk, after they've met a few times, about how they've selected quite a flattering picture of themselves, and - joking together - how they use a bit filter and, or Photoshop, or whatever people use. Maybe, to some people, it's a bonding sort of an ice- breaker, like if you joked with another candidate for a job, after you'd both been taking on, about feigning more interest than you feel in the company's new ecology garden, or something.

You've found out that you don't like shallow conversation about looks or sex, and you want to meet someone with feeling. You've gained.

You're clearly a very motivated and positively- driven person, and you could lose weight, if you wanted to, and when things have quietened down, after all the upheaval. Getting two jobs is amazing and willing yourself to do the driving, those are truly important accomplishments. You owe it reality as well as yourself to acknowledge what are the priorities.

To think that some men are looking for a physical relationship, with a bit of chat thrown in, to make them feel it isn't all about sex, just really puts me off, and, in your situation, I'd probably just avoid OLD.

He (and PeterrobbedPaul) are clearkytwars and you have done amazingly well but I don't agree with the general premise. I used Match for about 12 monts after my ex upped and left with OW and it was a 95% positive experience. I had some casual flings, one lasted 4 months and two others that could have been something but for external factors like distance. I met my partner of 5 years on there. I'm not denying there are idiots but really for me it was a positive thing. I looked on it as entertainment and the dates as a way to have nights out when kids were with ex. I wasn't looking for my next big relationship (and partner and I are a very separate thing from my kids, no blending families here). OP go easy on yourself, don't reply to every message and see it as entertainment for now.

🙄'clearky twars' = clearly twats.

A woman of your obvious strength, resilience and character being reduced to this by a man who looks like a thumb and nearly creamed himself at the mention of you having a friend over???

Ah come on, OP. I know it's hard when you're fragile, as you have every right to be, but please don't give this shart goblin the satisfaction. Don't let some unknown wanker undo all your hard work.

I've been told I'm too tall... But it says 6ft on my profile.. Its not a typo. I'm tall.
Honestly op provided you have cyrene photos I do full body one only barely flattering and two nice ones just to be very clear as I'm not thin.
Some men would say you were too big at a size 12 so I wouldn't worry.
Chuck him back in the f it bucket and move on plus think of all the time you saved with him being a knobber straight away!

@Whatonearth2021

Actually - thumb pretty much defines it! It was on the tip of my tongue to start on him - but I took the moral high ground 😁

Sounds like you have integrity and self-respect by the lorry-load OP. We'll done on your personal achievements so far. Sounds like your ex did you a favour!

@Whatonearth2021 you honestly sound amazing OP and I absolutely salute you and your year of achievements! What an wonderful woman you are - don't let these inadequate idiots get in your way and keep going What a fantastic example you are to your kids too.
Look at everything you've taken control on this year, how incredible you are.
As for the OLD idiots? Bollocks to the lot of them. Spend your valuable time and resources on yourself.

Stay away from OLD!

I did it in my 40s and also seriously set back the progress id made in the 5 years since i left my abusive x.

I was talking to my friend the other dsy, she's in her 30s so younger than i am. She is a single parent too though, a very attractive woman and have a lovely sparky funny personality. She went on a few dates with this guy and it seemed to be going well, until he dumped her for being boring. I said to her, if there is ONE thing you're not, it's boring. Wow. It was like he intuitively knew that if my attractive friend has "traded" on anything in her life, it wasnt her good looks but it was in fact, her personality! So he set about really enjoying the process of dumping her. He really enjoyed being honest. and when she said "ok ok ok just say we're not on the same page" he came back at her with more self important nonsense about not wanting to lie and how she wouldnt find the right person if she wasnt honest with herself blah blah blah.....

She was exhausted.
This just sums up OLD for me. Even when you're absolutely lovely some narc is telling you through words and/or actions that you're boring/not good enough.

You have to develop an incredibly thick skin when it comes to OLD I’m afraid. It isn’t wise to use it unless your self esteem is quite high because yes, it is sadly full of absolute idiots.

But the OPs pictures were recent. Of course she chose flattering ones but that's perfectly normal and to be expected. Not filtered to fuck but flattering angle sure. That's not remotely catfishing.

I came on to bollock you because most old men are adorable! However YANBU.

I did OLD once, never again! I was contacted by a guy who was absolutely not my type, I gently turned him down and my god he got nasty! It went on for a couple days until I removed myself from the site and blocked him.

You are looking in the wrong place for emotional or romantic attachments.
Like hanging out in a strip club hoping to meet a man wih enlightened views about women's rights.

Ohers are right- men in genaral are not like this- just the ones that sign up to dodgey web sites.

There are far better places to meet good men.

The proper response to going on a date and finding the person isn't to your taste for whatever reason is to finish the date, say "lovely to meet you, goodnight" and then not message again.

You don't strike up what looks to be a normal conversation the next day and then eventually try to squeeze in your offence that you, a properly alpha Thumb Man, were deprived of the supermodel you clearly deserve. If Thumb Man is such a catch, he shouldn't have to wait too long until said supermodel throws herself at him with her skirt over her head and a disappointing date shouldn't affect him so much.

Twat.

Next…

Ha, SO TRUE!

It was a but cheeky of him, but to be fair why do so many bigger women post pictures of only their head and shoulders (and often a bit of cleavage) taken from such an angle thay anyone would think they were a size 10? Just be completely honest and post a picture of the real you. You'd be whining if a bloke did the same

Another one here that is seemingly too tall. Who knew at 5,11" I'd be treated like a freak show!!

OLD is a cess pit, but I don't know how you meet people in real life.

He's an unpleasant twat. Block, delete, move on. Agree with others you need to develop a thick skin.

Tbh my own dd found these sites were full of weird blokes, who felt they were doing you a favour by talking to you! Even if they met up ,it was once or twice then dropped. She is dating an old friend now.this says more about him than you tbh .sounds like you dodged a bullet!