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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Discrimination against single mothers?

65 replies

thepeopleversuswork · 27/08/2021 13:50

There was an interesting thread on here a few days ago about the pluses and minuses of being a single parent. A few posters said they felt stigmatised for it. I don't, personally, but it got me thinking about the sorts of low-level discrimination and disadvantage which single parents experience and what can be done to change it.

Rather than direct stigma, which I'm very lucky not to suffer from, the worst thing for me is the way men in particular who do domestic jobs for you try to take advantage of you being a single woman to overcharge you and generally pull the wool over your eyes.

I had a bloke the other day who I asked to do some work on my garden and he tried to charge me an absolutely extortionate amount of money basically for some garden clearance. I'd told him what my budget was, he went over it half way through the job with some very implausible excuse, tried to mansplain to me why he couldn't get the job done to time and budget and then demanded cash upfront half way through it (on a Sunday when I was going on holiday in half an hour).

Apart from being expensive and irritating, the worst thing about it was my being absolutely certain if I'd either been a bloke or been married or had a bloke living with me there's no way he'd have had the nerve to try this on.

I think quite a lot of people (mainly men) who do jobs like building, maintenance, decorating, anything to do with care etc, see single women as sitting targets for this sort of thing. There's an unspoken expectation that if you're daft enough not to have a bloke around to deal with then you've got it coming.

Curious to hear if others have got other examples of this. Not necessarily breaking Equal Ops legislation levels of discrimination, just low level shittiness.

OP posts:
aaaaah · 27/08/2021 13:51

How did he know you were single?

CorrBlimeyGG · 27/08/2021 13:54

Men get taken advantage of by dodgy workmen too.

In this respect, the problem is dodgy workmen, not men in general.

MrsEvedder · 27/08/2021 14:01

I agree with you, some people (usually men) will take advantage of a woman by herself. It happens all the time.

I'm married but know that certain situations that have happened while I'm by myself or just with the kids would not have happened had I been with my husband.

And im sure OP that if the gardener knew that a man was there to back you up it would have been a whole different outcome. No doubt about it.

Threearm · 27/08/2021 14:02

As a woman I won't go to a car repair garage or anything relates without a man with me. It's brutally obvious there they try it on.

thepeopleversuswork · 27/08/2021 14:05

@aaaaah

How did he know you were single?
Because he lives in the same street as me.
OP posts:
AudacityBaby · 27/08/2021 14:08

Would gently suggest that if this is discrimination, it's against women - whether single, or just appearing to be because partner/husband/whatever elsewhere. It's got nothing to do with parenthood. It doesn't affect single women with children in a different way to single women without.

thepeopleversuswork · 27/08/2021 14:14

@Threearm

As a woman I won't go to a car repair garage or anything relates without a man with me. It's brutally obvious there they try it on.
But doesn't it piss you off that you have to take a man like a bloody human shield? As opposed to coming from the starting point where they don't see you as a sitting duck? You say its "obvious" they are going to try it on and I know what you mean. But why should it be obvious?

There are plenty of men who don't know the first thing about cars who take their car to be MOT'd or whatever and the people working on them don't immediately see "30% mark-up" as they walk in the door just because of their sex.

Why is it seen as so automatic?

OP posts:
Ozanj · 27/08/2021 14:14

Did you not research before calling him?

thepeopleversuswork · 27/08/2021 14:15

@AudacityBaby

Would gently suggest that if this is discrimination, it's against women - whether single, or just appearing to be because partner/husband/whatever elsewhere. It's got nothing to do with parenthood. It doesn't affect single women with children in a different way to single women without.
Of course its discrimination against women. It's just that single parents are stuck with this sort of thing in a way which someone without ties wouldn't be, I suppose.
OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 27/08/2021 14:16

@Ozanj

Did you not research before calling him?
He's done work for me before and its been OK. And comes highly recommended.
OP posts:
Returnoftheowl · 27/08/2021 14:19

Surely all single people would be "stuck with it" tho?
It's discrimination against women, not the parental status.
A single women without children has ties to where she lives. It's not like she's move if she got over charged by a gardener.

copernicium · 27/08/2021 14:22

I've never worried that I pay more for being single but I definitely find them rude and get sick of the same one liners.

Had a delivery which wouldn't fit through the door. They told me they would leave it outside then call them back when my husband was home as could remove the door and they would do the fitting. I told them to wait as I did it in front of them.

Had a delivery of flat pack furniture. "Who's building this for you then?" Me. "I'd rather go to work than be stuck at home with the kids doing that." Yes I'm working too.

Had a man round to measure for shutters. He told me he couldn't give me a price as I wouldn't be able to afford them.

Even in DIY stores, when you buy things for a project, you get "ooo hubbie will be busy this weekend."

And if you call a tradesman with a quite specific problem, it's like they don't believe that you can really be telling them that eg the pump needs replacing. They'll always "come and have a look to see what the problem might be".

Ozanj · 27/08/2021 14:22

My aunt was a single mum for much of her life. She never got ripped off ever because she used to do 90% of her own diy work. She only stopped as she got older after my DH started doing it for her.

DDIJ · 27/08/2021 14:24

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

thepeopleversuswork · 27/08/2021 14:24

@Ozanj

My aunt was a single mum for much of her life. She never got ripped off ever because she used to do 90% of her own diy work. She only stopped as she got older after my DH started doing it for her.
Yeah unfortunately I can't do DIY to save my life. It's one of my biggest shortcomings.

Thing is, though, there are plenty of men who can't do it either. People who don't work for them don't automatically see them as an excuse to ramp prices and generally do shoddy work.

OP posts:
UserStillatLarge · 27/08/2021 14:25

@CorrBlimeyGG

Men get taken advantage of by dodgy workmen too.

In this respect, the problem is dodgy workmen, not men in general.

Yes I agree - my DH has accepted some absolutely ridiculous quotes from workmen because he won't say "hang on, that sounds a lot".
beinglikedisoverrated · 27/08/2021 14:27

Once went to a garage to buy a used car. Had the money in the bank ready to buy. Bloke said if I came back with my husband, I could test drive a car! Spent my 6k at a garage who let me test drive a car! Without my husband!

gardeninggirl68 · 27/08/2021 14:31

You just sound like you don't like men.....and you are generalising and being dismissive yourself!

using the term 'mansplaining'

I work with men in the building/trades/decorating industry and done ever see this kind of thing at all. I'm female, they happily come to me for help and advice the same as women do actually

znaika · 27/08/2021 14:32

I never saw the original thread and would interested to see it. There is definitely a stigma against single mothers normally always from other women who sneer at you in social situations or refuse to invite you to things, or pity and patronise you and then get huffy when they suspect you might have more money than them. It is not all women by any means but I have a good group of single mother friends and we have all experienced it.

znaika · 27/08/2021 14:33

They also hate it when your child does well.

DelphiniumBlue · 27/08/2021 14:34

My Mum was a single parent for most of my childhood. She kept a fireman's helmet very visibly in the hall - you could do something similar, like a big pair of boots.
I've got a DH and adult sons, and I keep them out of the way when expecting workmen/deliveries, otherwise they get roped in finishing jobs off and humping equipment around.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 27/08/2021 14:40

Hmm not sure. My DH is always the one to get preyed on by dodgy workmen/mechanics! They basically sniff out whether you have the knowledge to challenge them on prices/time spent etc.

They also have no way of knowing you are single? I'm married but don't wear a ring, I've dealt with plenty of tradespeople when DH out at work.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 27/08/2021 14:43

One thing I have seen is a lot of situations etc where there's an expectation that there is a supportive second parent around to help, e.g

  • don't bring younger siblings along to class assembly etc (what else are you supposed to do with them)
  • parents meeting in the evening when children are in bed & theres no second parent to stay home while one attends

I can imagine all such situations being a real nightmare when you are juggling a family & work with no second pair of hands around

thepeopleversuswork · 27/08/2021 14:47

@gardeninggirl68

You just sound like you don't like men.....and you are generalising and being dismissive yourself!

using the term 'mansplaining'

I work with men in the building/trades/decorating industry and done ever see this kind of thing at all. I'm female, they happily come to me for help and advice the same as women do actually

Grin

So you have to be a man-hater to use the term "mansplaining"?

Grin
OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 27/08/2021 14:49

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

One thing I have seen is a lot of situations etc where there's an expectation that there is a supportive second parent around to help, e.g
  • don't bring younger siblings along to class assembly etc (what else are you supposed to do with them)
  • parents meeting in the evening when children are in bed & theres no second parent to stay home while one attends

I can imagine all such situations being a real nightmare when you are juggling a family & work with no second pair of hands around

Exactly. That's a really good example.

There's loads of latent, low-level stuff like this at school. Stops just short of being actual discrimination but its part of a mindset that assumes everyone is part of a couple and doesn't take into account that anything outside work/childcare hours just isn't possible for single parents.

The whole PTA thing (which I'm a supporter of) relies on you being in a couple. All the evening stuff etc.

It's taken as read that that there's another parent on hand.

OP posts: