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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Discrimination against single mothers?

65 replies

thepeopleversuswork · 27/08/2021 13:50

There was an interesting thread on here a few days ago about the pluses and minuses of being a single parent. A few posters said they felt stigmatised for it. I don't, personally, but it got me thinking about the sorts of low-level discrimination and disadvantage which single parents experience and what can be done to change it.

Rather than direct stigma, which I'm very lucky not to suffer from, the worst thing for me is the way men in particular who do domestic jobs for you try to take advantage of you being a single woman to overcharge you and generally pull the wool over your eyes.

I had a bloke the other day who I asked to do some work on my garden and he tried to charge me an absolutely extortionate amount of money basically for some garden clearance. I'd told him what my budget was, he went over it half way through the job with some very implausible excuse, tried to mansplain to me why he couldn't get the job done to time and budget and then demanded cash upfront half way through it (on a Sunday when I was going on holiday in half an hour).

Apart from being expensive and irritating, the worst thing about it was my being absolutely certain if I'd either been a bloke or been married or had a bloke living with me there's no way he'd have had the nerve to try this on.

I think quite a lot of people (mainly men) who do jobs like building, maintenance, decorating, anything to do with care etc, see single women as sitting targets for this sort of thing. There's an unspoken expectation that if you're daft enough not to have a bloke around to deal with then you've got it coming.

Curious to hear if others have got other examples of this. Not necessarily breaking Equal Ops legislation levels of discrimination, just low level shittiness.

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 22/10/2021 15:48

I used to get my platonic male friend round to throw them out, he was 6 foot 7 and built like a brick shithouse.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 22/10/2021 15:48

@Danikm151 yes, I'd forgotten the council tax issue, that really winds me up. I'm sure someone will be along to helpfully explain how it's calculated (we already know and it's still bloody unfair on single people)

RedMarauder · 22/10/2021 15:53

@Danikm151

>Having to to fork out 75% council tax as the single person discount is only 25% but if you had a partner you would only be paying 50% >Family tickets that require 2 adults-"sorry you don't get a discount because you're on your own"- some places are getting better and do a 1 adult plus child ticket but not a lot. >Working expecting you to be able to attend functions/meetings at school/nursery pickup time (but so and so has children too... yes but so and so has a partner to help with pickup) >nursery wanting dad's details too.... told them I'm paying so I'm your point of contact. That soon shut them down > having to justify going to work full time or always being tired. Yes I get others have children but if you can share the tasks/financial costs and caring it uses up a lot less energy/hours work >workmen etc asking where your husband is..... none of your bloody business even if I did have a husband. sod off Hmm

The list could go on but it gets frustrating.

Those examples aren't just applicable to woman who are single parents though.
MissMaple82 · 22/10/2021 16:03

But your assuming he knew you were single. And how do you know that's not what he wouldn't charge anyone else, maybe you just got an expensive workman, and your just assuming you've been taken advantage of

MissMaple82 · 22/10/2021 16:04

How do you know they wouldn't of happened if the husband was about??? It's an impossible generalisation

Danikm151 · 22/10/2021 16:08

[quote Gettingthereslowly2020]@Danikm151 yes, I'd forgotten the council tax issue, that really winds me up. I'm sure someone will be along to helpfully explain how it's calculated (we already know and it's still bloody unfair on single people)[/quote]
It's my biggest bug bear! Definitely doesn't feel like a discount even if they call it that.

Lollyneenah · 22/10/2021 16:12

Ex single mum here-
I remember getting turned down from renting a property because they 'would prefer a two adult household' without even seeing my bank statements, or references from previous landlords.
Happy to take my money else where and I did hope that they got a really shitty pair of adults instead of lovely me

DamnUserName21 · 22/10/2021 16:14

Housing is likely the biggest.
Many single mothers are on UC/legacy benefits/tax credits to supplement income, which is a big no-no on the private rental market. Yes, landlords cannot exclude 'DSS' applicants overtly now due to recent law changes but they sure as hell can covertly.

MargaretThursday · 22/10/2021 16:26

@MrsEvedder

I agree with you, some people (usually men) will take advantage of a woman by herself. It happens all the time.

I'm married but know that certain situations that have happened while I'm by myself or just with the kids would not have happened had I been with my husband.

And im sure OP that if the gardener knew that a man was there to back you up it would have been a whole different outcome. No doubt about it.

How do you know that?

I've generally got better quotes when I'm on my own than when dh does, including once from the same person.
They're also far more likely when doing the job to say "oh, I noticed that X needed doing, so I just fixed it for you" with no change in quoted money-with dh they tend to tell him that he'll need to sort X at some point.
And if I ask them "while you're up there can you...?" again, unless it's lengthy/needs parts, they normally throw that in for free.

You can't state that it's to do with being a single woman.

nicknameidea · 22/10/2021 16:35

There is absolutely a stigma against single mothers in workplaces, and I say this as a FT working one. I had a line manager who this time last year wanted me to stay late to meet a deadline (one of his deadlines I'll add, he drafted me in to help when he realised he wouldn't meet it). I stayed as late as I could until it hit the point that if I didn't leave, I wouldn't get to after school club by the time they shut and have to pay extra money (which I don't have). So I told him I had to go, cue a massive strop from him with the words 'why don't you have any one else to go get them'. I complained to HR and he got a slap on the wrist but that's it.

Had I been part of a couple, my chances of having another parent able to go get the kids would have been higher (although yes, not 100%). If I didn't have kids, I would have been able to stay to help meet the deadline. As it is, I truly have no-one.

I'm using this as the quickest example I had to hand, there are others I've experienced.

beigebrownblue · 22/10/2021 16:55

Its the patriarchy.
shits on women across the board,
single mothers in particular

read

'Why Women are to blame for everything'

Dr. Jessica Parker

sammylady37 · 22/10/2021 17:33

Of course its discrimination against women. It's just that single parents are stuck with this sort of thing in a way which someone without ties wouldn't be, I suppose

Eh? In what way are single parents ‘stuck with this sort of thing’ that ‘someone without ties’ isn’t?

Veryhungrycaterpillar84 · 05/01/2022 20:20

Many mortgage companies do not take child maintenance payments into account. I had a choice of only 2 mortgage companies that would consider it. I can’t increase my earnings any more due to having my dc 85% of the time, my childcare commitments mean my financial earnings are hobbled and therefore my ability to get a mortgage.

Sportslady44 · 05/01/2022 22:35

Just tend to get recommendations and also several quotes for work

OhWhyNot · 05/01/2022 22:51

Yes I have had workmen try to take advantage and I do believe it happens more to women especially if single

Holidays being too expensive

Not being able to do overtime and extra training at work because I can’t make that extra commitment

Delivery men asking me out

Telephone engineer stalking me (police involvement as the Virgin media didn’t want to know

Not being able to say well actually I recognise for myself that the situation is more challenging/I have been taken advantage of or someone has tried to without someone telling me that isn’t just because I am single

That it annoys some that I manage on my own the little digs they make. I know I am not alone on this we are not stupid we see through remarks

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