To ask ex to skip work or change a shift so you can go out?

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DH's ex is a SAHM to school age children whereas DH works full time.

She wants him to speak to his manager about changing his day off so he can take the kids on a different day to their usual schedule so she can go out on a particular day because that day works best for her friend.

AIBU to think she's a bit of a CF and should make plans for the child free days she has rather than expect him to miss work to accommodate her friends?

What does he think?

No I don't think she's a cheeky fucker if it's a one off.

Presumably she has to fit things around his work schedule most of the time?

@Sparklesocks

What does he think?

He feels put out by the request because he doesn't have a flexible manager at the best of times.

@Waxonwaxoff0

No I don't think she's a cheeky fucker if it's a one off.

Presumably she has to fit things around his work schedule most of the time?

It's give and take, but work is work isn't it?

She's a SAHM to school age children so has lots of free time to make plans, plus the nights they spend here.

She’s a cf if she has gone straight to him with this request before trying to get the friend to change date, although if it’s a one off big thing that has to be done on a certain day I would understand it.

It’s a two way street though. Both parents could come and go with each other if needs be. But when it breaks down what usually happens is that one takes the piss and the other one starts saying no more.

Assuming she picks up all the slack for sick days etc then she's not wrong to ask. It's a one off by the sound of it. Parenting doesn't always fit into a neat little schedule.

I think it’s fine to ask. I’ve asked to move kids around to facilitate nights out, and my ex has asked me. We’re each happy to flex if we can but appreciate it’s not always possible.

Asking is fine, saying no is also fine

I wouldn’t ask my own husband to do that.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

Assuming she picks up all the slack for sick days etc then she's not wrong to ask. It's a one off by the sound of it. Parenting doesn't always fit into a neat little schedule.

We have them here when they're ill and scheduled to be here (i watch them whilst he works) they don't have to stay with her, unless that is her preference at the time.

How often does he have her?

It makes no difference that she's a SAHM. I expect she does the bulk of school pick up and drop offs to facilitate your DP's job.

Up to him really how flexible he wants to be.

@BillMasen

I think it’s fine to ask. I’ve asked to move kids around to facilitate nights out, and my ex has asked me. We’re each happy to flex if we can but appreciate it’s not always possible.

Asking is fine, saying no is also fine

I think asking to alter plans is absolutely fine in general, just not expecting somebody to take a day off work to accommodate a non essential trip/day out that could be planned on many other days.

She can ask. He can say no.

@Waxonwaxoff0

It makes no difference that she's a SAHM. I expect she does the bulk of school pick up and drop offs to facilitate your DP's job.

She lives about 3 mins walk from the school so she isn't going out of her way, don't worry about that

She can ask. He doesn’t have to agree if it doesn’t work for him.

As always when you become a sahm you accept the division of labour into child rearing/providing. Of course there will be an overlap, but if he is paying cm, which she depends on to enable her to sah, then she has to accept she has to fit around his work.

@ChickpeaCrunch

She can ask. He can say no.

He has, and she has responded as though he's causing her great inconvenience.

It's not really to accommodate her friend though is it, it is to accommodate her. Presumably she wants to go with that friend. She might have lots of flexibility being a SAHM and having child free evenings but her friend may not have that and the outing is with that friend, so that's actually irrelevant?

I don't think it is cheeky of her to ask that, no.

I think asking to alter plans is absolutely fine in general, just not expecting somebody to take a day off work to accommodate a non essential trip/day out that could be planned on many other days

Again, nothing wrong with asking. He might fancy a day off and a trip out with the kids while they’re off school. Equally if it’s a pain for him she has to accept no as an answer.

Depends - if it's going to the pub then she should find another time, but if it's something you can only do on a particular night, like see a particular band or go to the opening of something then it's not unreasonable to ask.

@Reallyreallyborednow

She can ask. He doesn’t have to agree if it doesn’t work for him.

As always when you become a sahm you accept the division of labour into child rearing/providing. Of course there will be an overlap, but if he is paying cm, which she depends on to enable her to sah, then she has to accept she has to fit around his work.

He pays her a fair amount of cm each month, plus covers back to school uniforms/shoes etc.

@SarahBellam

Depends - if it's going to the pub then she should find another time, but if it's something you can only do on a particular night, like see a particular band or go to the opening of something then it's not unreasonable to ask.

It's so she can go for dinner and a catch up with her friend

I think this is a quite a big ask!

He has, and she has responded as though he's causing her great inconvenience. that's her problem not his. Just ignore it and don't let her take up your head space.

I think asking to alter plans is absolutely fine in general, just not expecting somebody to take a day off work to accommodate a non essential trip/day out that could be planned on many other days.

Of course YANBU, but on MN there is a definite proportion of responses that will always 'side with' the Mum and assume the step parent is wrong, by default.