To ask ex to skip work or change a shift so you can go out?

[Cravingcleaningproducts]

DH's ex is a SAHM to school age children whereas DH works full time.

She wants him to speak to his manager about changing his day off so he can take the kids on a different day to their usual schedule so she can go out on a particular day because that day works best for her friend.

AIBU to think she's a bit of a CF and should make plans for the child free days she has rather than expect him to miss work to accommodate her friends?

@AnneLovesGilbert

Hilarious someone’s claimed she’s a SAHM to school age children to facilitate her ex’s career. I doubt she’s chosen not to work as a favour to him.

She was trying her luck asking him and should take his refusal graciously.

How flexible is she if he ever needs changes to their schedule?

Tell me about it, she most definitely isn't a SAHM for his sake it's her own choice.

To be fair to her she has been flexible in the past when I had flu, but it's easier for her to do that.

DH would never expect her not to work so he could go out for lunch.

@Hopeisnotastrategy

One of those threads where I would love to hear the other side. You're clearly not her biggest fan.

Is there a rule that says you have to be a big fan of your husband’s ex? Why would that be?

Are we only allowed to post about people we’re fans of?

@Hopeisnotastrategy

One of those threads where I would love to hear the other side. You're clearly not her biggest fan.

"Ex partners nasty wife takes umbrage with me expecting him not to work so I can go out for lunch/dinner with my mate and writes a post about it on mumsnet after I send him a shitty text"

HTH.

I think if he has the kind of job where you can switch days off when you need to/want to, it's perfectly reasonable to ask.

Could be "I gave up my career to be primary career for our children, he works all hours and rarely takes time off so all the childcare falls on me. He even cancels his contact time when his new wife feels unwell which I've been happy to accommodate. But now I've asked him if he'd help me out and have the kids an extra evening so I can see a friend and he's behaving as though I've asked him for a kidney"

Initially I would have said it wasn't unreasonable to ask. Both Exdh and I have asked about things like that at different times and it has meant one or the other taking a day off. Generally for big things but it would be absolutely fine for either of us to ask (and in fairness we would both be the first option to ask as our preference is always that a parent is caring for the DC if possible). I very stupidly rarely do anything social so a totally Exdh would be the first to say go and enjoy yourself.

That said it would never ok to be nasty or snappy if the other parent said no I can do it.

Both Exdh , myself and DP work full time so someone ends up taking annual leave but absolutely if the answer is no (depending on whose boss is being challenging at the time or whose company has big things happening ) then the answer is no and it's always taken in good grace.

@helentomelon

Could be "I gave up my career to be primary career for our children, he works all hours and rarely takes time off so all the childcare falls on me. He even cancels his contact time when his new wife feels unwell which I've been happy to accommodate. But now I've asked him if he'd help me out and have the kids an extra evening so I can see a friend and he's behaving as though I've asked him for a kidney"

Career? She has never had one.

You are reaching quite far aren't in order to demonize us aren't you?

Regarding the flu, DSD didn't want to come round and risk getting it and I doubt her mum wanted it either.

You sound like a bitter ex wife.

@Cravingcleaningproducts I think asking to alter plans is absolutely fine in general, just not expecting somebody to take a day off work to accommodate a non essential trip/day out that could be planned on many other days.

But she's not asking him to take a day off, in your OP you say she's a king if he can change his day off.. different things. I don't think there's any issue with her asking if he can swap his day off. He or his manager can just say no if it's going to cause a big issue.

Bold fail sorry 🙄

@Cravingcleaningproducts who's "us"? I've been a step parent and a single parent. Im not demonising. Im just putting forward what the other side could look like based on what we've read.

You're not coming across very well op, you actually sound like a jealous/resentful new partner.

@pommepommefrites

You're not coming across very well op, you actually sound like a jealous/resentful new partner.

Bollocks. She sounds perfectly reasonable.

@UnshakenNeedsStirring

Why cant she get a babysitter to watch the kids while she goes out?

If my ex was going out I’d rather she asked me first then a babysitter. Chance for a bonus night with kids.

I’d ask her first if I wanted to go out

Dinner out is a bit different to a full day, surely shes only asking him to leave work as a one off for a few hours.

It goes both ways. It sounds like you sometimes have the stepkods alone, acting as his childcare. If shes single she doesn't have that luxury. So before demonising her consider how much he might need her to help on his days if he didnt have you.

You're pulling my tits, aren't you? 🤣

She is totally reasonable if it’s a complete one off.

If you say no, be prepared that as a complete one off your DH asks his ex can he switch the days he sees the kids to do something in particular, she would and should say no.

If she is already awkward about rare one off changes to his contact days, to accommodate your occasional plans then I can see where yous are coming from.

Otherwise I don’t know why you wouldn’t allow this flexibility. Especially considering you may need the favour returned one day

I occasionally asked my ex to change things to accommodate my work and social life.
He asks me to change things as well sometimes.
If we could accommodate we did, if we couldn't the other understood. It made for a better coparenting relationship.

@RealBecca

Dinner out is a bit different to a full day, surely shes only asking him to leave work as a one off for a few hours.

It goes both ways. It sounds like you sometimes have the stepkods alone, acting as his childcare. If shes single she doesn't have that luxury. So before demonising her consider how much he might need her to help on his days if he didnt have you.

What’s with all the hyperbole about demonising? Where exactly has the OP done that? All she’s said is expecting (not asking, but feeling entitled to have) ex to take time of work so that she can ‘meet a friend’ is U. I roundly agree. A wedding, funeral, job interview, 100% yes. A social occasion? No.

Also to add I realise all of the above are social occasions but meeting a friend is not important enough to have people take time off for (especially if it cause great difficulty).

@TractorAndHeadphones in the Op it states the ex has asked if he can ask to CHANGE his day off, so not take a day off. It's not really an unreasonable ask if the Op's DH has been able to change his shifts for whatever reason in the past. It's only 4 posts in when op isn't getting the replies she was expecting that it becomes taking a day off work.

It doesn't say that the ex has demanded he do this, she's just asked if it's a possibility. What's unreasonable about that?