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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask ex to skip work or change a shift so you can go out?

70 replies

Cravingcleaningproducts · 26/08/2021 17:12

DH's ex is a SAHM to school age children whereas DH works full time.

She wants him to speak to his manager about changing his day off so he can take the kids on a different day to their usual schedule so she can go out on a particular day because that day works best for her friend.

AIBU to think she's a bit of a CF and should make plans for the child free days she has rather than expect him to miss work to accommodate her friends?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cravingcleaningproducts · 26/08/2021 17:29

@Kite22

I think asking to alter plans is absolutely fine in general, just not expecting somebody to take a day off work to accommodate a non essential trip/day out that could be planned on many other days.

Of course YANBU, but on MN there is a definite proportion of responses that will always 'side with' the Mum and assume the step parent is wrong, by default.

I expected as much as I've noticed the same Grin
OP posts:
newnortherner111 · 26/08/2021 17:34

Missing work no, changing days off once if it is something such as a young child's birthday perhaps OK.

Eralos · 26/08/2021 17:49

Manager said no. What a shame.

EverybodyIsInteresting · 26/08/2021 17:58

I wouldn't ask someone to change their work commitments to suit my social life. Although I guess it's ok to ask, but it's a huge favour and unreasonable to expect it to happen.

Any reason she can't pay for a babysitter?

Abbreviatethisplease · 26/08/2021 18:04

*It makes no difference that she's a SAHM. I expect she does the bulk of school pick up and drop offs to facilitate your DP's job.

She lives about 3 mins walk from the school so she isn't going out of her way, don't worry about that*

I think your response misses the point. It's not that she lives nearby, it's that as she's doing it, it's not causing childcare issues for your dp.

I actually agree with you, I wouldn't ask an ex to alter work for a social event (unless a wedding). However, the tone of your posts don't sound very nice. Do you resent the fact she doesn't work?

Original poster
Cravingcleaningproducts · 26/08/2021 18:21

I actually agree with you, I wouldn't ask an ex to alter work for a social event (unless a wedding). However, the tone of your posts don't sound very nice. Do you resent the fact she doesn't work?

No of course not, I was a SAHM myself for two years after the birth of DC1. I just think she's being very U and I don't like the way she spoke to DH when he said he couldn't do it. No reflection of her employment status.

OP posts:
UnshakenNeedsStirring · 26/08/2021 18:21

Why cant she get a babysitter to watch the kids while she goes out?

Original poster
Cravingcleaningproducts · 26/08/2021 18:22

@EverybodyIsInteresting

I wouldn't ask someone to change their work commitments to suit my social life. Although I guess it's ok to ask, but it's a huge favour and unreasonable to expect it to happen.

Any reason she can't pay for a babysitter?

I'm not sure that she's tried to get one, it seems like DH was the first port of call.
OP posts:
Original poster
Cravingcleaningproducts · 26/08/2021 18:23

@UnshakenNeedsStirring

Why cant she get a babysitter to watch the kids while she goes out?
Good question.

Probably because she doesn't want to pay for one.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 26/08/2021 18:23

She needs to make her own childcare arrangements for her day out. CF.

helentomelon · 26/08/2021 18:30

Why would the babysitter option be the first port of call? Why would she spend family money on a babysitter when there's a possibility they could just go to dad's which they'd probably also enjoy more and get more out of.

I think it's entirely sensible for her to have asked. Just as he should be able to ask for flexibility. But it's unreasonable for her to act out when she's told no as he has a good reason for the no ie. his manager not liking it

DontBeAHaterDear · 26/08/2021 18:30

She’s not a CF to ask him to do this but she would be to expect him to. If his manager is unlikely to say no anyway then that’s that, not possible. Oh well, she’ll have to find a babysitter.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/08/2021 18:33

I think it’s fine to ask to swap days, but if he can’t he can’t - for instance if his manager isn’t flexible. But I think it’s pretty normal to see if the child’s other parent can cover.

Otherwise she could get a babysitter, but I can see why switching days is preferable, ie she doesn’t miss out on time with her child, which is the reason I’d always want nights out to be on ex’s night.

Also depends if friend genuinely can’t make the contact night.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 26/08/2021 18:44

I’d not ask my DH to do this so I could go out let alone an ex. I certainly wouldn’t accommodate it.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 26/08/2021 18:50

Well, if she doesn't want to spend money on babysitter, then does she have money to go out? I would just say no, she can sort he life out like everyone else. shes being a CF

ChickpeaCrunch · 26/08/2021 18:52

I think its fair enough to ask your child's other parent if they are free to parent them on a particular day. But it's fine for the parent to say no if they can't. It's best for the child to be with a parent than a stranger usually.

helentomelon · 26/08/2021 18:55

It also means he can expect the favour to be returned if he ever needs to swap with her which I'm sure he will do at some point

Youseethethingis · 26/08/2021 18:57

She's not unreasonable to ask the question.
She's unreasonable to demand or get shitty when the answer is "no".

Floralnomad · 26/08/2021 19:01

She’s not being unreasonable to ask , and your partner is not being unreasonable to say no .

Original poster
Cravingcleaningproducts · 26/08/2021 19:03

@ChickpeaCrunch

I think its fair enough to ask your child's other parent if they are free to parent them on a particular day. But it's fine for the parent to say no if they can't. It's best for the child to be with a parent than a stranger usually.
The point is she knew he wasn't free, he works the same days every week and she knows that.
OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 26/08/2021 19:03

Hilarious someone’s claimed she’s a SAHM to school age children to facilitate her ex’s career. I doubt she’s chosen not to work as a favour to him.

She was trying her luck asking him and should take his refusal graciously.

How flexible is she if he ever needs changes to their schedule?

Waxonwaxoff0 · 26/08/2021 19:07

@AnneLovesGilbert

Hilarious someone’s claimed she’s a SAHM to school age children to facilitate her ex’s career. I doubt she’s chosen not to work as a favour to him.

She was trying her luck asking him and should take his refusal graciously.

How flexible is she if he ever needs changes to their schedule?

That was me. Whether she's done it as a favour or not, it means he doesn't have to worry about doing school runs. Also you can't choose not to work if you have school age children, presumably if she's claiming benefits she will be on JSA.
Hopeisnotastrategy · 26/08/2021 19:07

One of those threads where I would love to hear the other side. You're clearly not her biggest fan.

LaikO · 26/08/2021 19:09

I was about to say the same as @AnneLovesGilbert, re. facilitating his career. I'm sure if she resents it, they could work around her getting a job part or full-time, or she could take over paying child maintenance while OP's husband stays at home, lots of options.
As to the question, fine to ask but also fine for him to refuse. To make life easier, I'd just say manager said no.

ChickpeaCrunch · 26/08/2021 19:09

The point is she knew he wasn't free, he works the same days every week and she knows that. yeah and her reaction him saying no doesn't sound great. they aren't together anymore he doesn't have to help out. I really wouldn't let it get to you. All he can do is say no politely.