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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we’re not stopping DS from seeing his dad?

67 replies

katorga · 26/08/2021 15:41

DS is 15, usually sees his dad EOW, DS and DP have been going to football matches since the season started, all fine.

There's a match this weekend but it's my ex’s weekend, DS wanted to go to the football, so we have said he can.

I messaged ex to let him know, and he said that we're stopping us from seeing him when its his time.

Are we BU?

OP posts:
Concestor · 26/08/2021 15:51

Yes, it's your ex's weekend. Your son needs to go to his dad.

Biancadelrioisback · 26/08/2021 15:52

Can his dad take him?

SherryPalmer · 26/08/2021 15:52

At 15 he can decide for himself.

bellabasset · 26/08/2021 15:52

I can see why your ex might take that view. I would tell ds to ask his df about changing their arrangements. At 15 he may well want to do different activities on the weekend.

namechange30455 · 26/08/2021 15:52

Yes of course you're BU. It's not up to you if he can go or not, how do you know your ex doesn't have plans already?

AnonymousCheerleader · 26/08/2021 15:53

@zurala

Yes, it's your ex's weekend. Your son needs to go to his dad.
He's 15 not 5. He goes where he wants.
Notsurenow43 · 26/08/2021 15:53

The boy is 15. Surely he can see his dad when he wants?

SoupDragon · 26/08/2021 15:53

YANBU.

At 15 he is at the point where a rigid EOW isn't really doable. Both families need to accept that it will have to be more fluid. Unless his dad has something specific that weekend he should swap.

At least that's how it works in my house.

Lockheart · 26/08/2021 15:53

I can see both sides, but at 15 I think DS can organise this with his father himself, unless there are complicating factors.

Lindjam · 26/08/2021 15:55

At 15, my DC made their own arrangements to see their dad, I wasn't directly involved at all.

I would suggest to ex that he makes plans directly with DS in future, as obviously DS is growing towards complete independency and makes his own plans and decisions.

namechange30455 · 26/08/2021 15:56

@namechange30455

Yes of course you're BU. It's not up to you if he can go or not, how do you know your ex doesn't have plans already?
Either you or DS (but really DS) needs to check with his dad that it's ok. He asked you if he could go, you should have told him to ask his dad.

I'd be a lot receptive to DS asking than ex presenting it as a done deal.

xyzandabc · 26/08/2021 15:56

This is a repeating thing that is likely to happen again so you/he probably need to come to an agreement or compromise.

What does DS think? Would it be possible to spend most of the weekend with his dad but be dropped off/picked up to go to the football then dropped back at dads? Or dad takes him to football?

Original poster
katorga · 26/08/2021 15:57

@namechange30455

Yes of course you're BU. It's not up to you if he can go or not, how do you know your ex doesn't have plans already?
DS decided he wanted to go, so I told him he could as it was his choice.

DS also said that ex never does anything with him, and that he always promises to take him to a places, but he never does.

OP posts:
Zzzzzzxxx · 26/08/2021 15:58

Can he just go the football or swap weekends??

TheWoleb · 26/08/2021 15:58

At 15, he can decide for himself. He can also text his dad and tell him and arrange another day to see him. If dad doesn't bother doing anything with him, then he could say that or you could say it for him.

ClaudiaWankleman · 26/08/2021 16:00

Your DS has decided he doesn't want to see his dad, so he doesn't see his dad.

In the future I'd ask DS to message his dad to say he was doing the football instead. His dad can still arrange something for before/ after and the day after surely? Equally if your DS decides he wants to see his dad on one of 'your' weekends I don't think you would be right to stop him.

Don't put DS in the middle for this one though and ask him to arrange via text though as it wouldn't be fair.

MintMatchmaker · 26/08/2021 16:01

Yabu to have said it’s okay. You should have told your son to have spoken to his Dad and asked him if it was okay.

LittleMysSister · 26/08/2021 16:01

I think you should have said "I don't know, ask your dad, it's your weekend with him" and then your DS should have spoken to him.

I can understand why his dad is annoyed, as I'm sure you would be too if your ex gave permission for your son to do something else on what was meant to be your time with him.

Harvestyo · 26/08/2021 16:02

At 15 it's completely up to DS.

If his dad does bugger all with him and your DP takes him to football I can see why he doesn't want to go to his dad.

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 26/08/2021 16:03

At 12 my ds went nc with his df.. His decision - obviously a back story.
Previously I had zero contact. Your ds doesn't need you playing the middle (wo) man any longer...

LammasFires · 26/08/2021 16:03

He’s 15, why didn’t he have that conversation with his dad?

RatherBeRiding · 26/08/2021 16:05

Of course your're not BU. At 15 he has a mind of his own - is there a reason he won't liaise directly with his dad, i.e. is his dad likely to try to guilt trip him if DS asked for a change of weekend?

Sally872 · 26/08/2021 16:07

Not unreasonable for 15 year old to cancel on dad to go to football but it should be conversation between him and his dad. Not you informing him that son will has plans with your dp.

ClaudiaWankleman · 26/08/2021 16:08

He’s 15, why didn’t he have that conversation with his dad?

Probably because he's 15, and it's a normal age for a parent to be doing at least some of the organisation still.

PersonaNonGarter · 26/08/2021 16:09

Why didn’t you check with ex first?

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