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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think we’re not stopping DS from seeing his dad?

67 replies

katorga · 26/08/2021 15:41

DS is 15, usually sees his dad EOW, DS and DP have been going to football matches since the season started, all fine.

There's a match this weekend but it's my ex’s weekend, DS wanted to go to the football, so we have said he can.

I messaged ex to let him know, and he said that we're stopping us from seeing him when its his time.

Are we BU?

OP posts:

Sally872 · 26/08/2021 16:10

Probably because he's 15, and it's a normal age for a parent to be doing at least some of the organisation still

Son can cancel on dad, mum shouldn't so if it is still routinely organised by parents mum should have said sorry its your time with dad. Or asked dad if he would swap.

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 26/08/2021 16:10

Contact is for the benefit of the dc... In this instance the dc chooses football..
End of.

YouLuckyBugger · 26/08/2021 16:10

DS wanted to go to the football, so we have said he can

I think this is where you're unreasonable.

Yes your son can decide for himself at 15 but you should have encouraged him to discuss it with his Dad instead imo, not just "we said he can".

Just a simple "well it's up to you but it is your weekend with Dad remember so maybe you should pop him a text/give him a call to let him know in case he's made plans".

That's just encouraging him to be considerate imo.

MaMelon · 26/08/2021 16:12

It wasn’t your place to say yes - it was up to your DS and your ex to arrange. If your DS had asked your ex if he could go somewhere on one of your weekends I imagine you’d have wanted him to say ‘as your mum, it’s her weekend’?

YouLuckyBugger · 26/08/2021 16:12

@Brollypackedforscottishholiday

Contact is for the benefit of the dc... In this instance the dc chooses football.. End of.

Yes and if the DC is old enough to decide for themselves, they are old enough to tell the relevant parent themselves. Not ask Mum if it's alright so she can be the one to inform Dad.

Freddiefox · 26/08/2021 16:12

@zurala

Yes, it's your ex's weekend. Your son needs to go to his dad.

It’s also the ds’s weekend, he can choice what he would like to do. It’s not just the dp’s weekend.

Freddiefox · 26/08/2021 16:13

However it conversation the ds should be having with his dad first

YouLuckyBugger · 26/08/2021 16:13

It’s also the ds’s weekend, he can choice what he would like to do. It’s not just the dp’s weekend

Yes, but as his Dad was expecting him, the considerate thing to have done would have been for the DS to let his Dad know. OP should have told him to do that imo.

YouLuckyBugger · 26/08/2021 16:14

X posted sorry Freddie

Freddiefox · 26/08/2021 16:15

Could he go to football with his dad? Or go round their afterwards?

AllTheSingleLadiess · 26/08/2021 16:22

It wasn't your place to say yes. It's basic manners that your son should be contacting his dad with an alternative time for contact. At his age rigid EOW often doesn't work but he should see his dad another time

ClaudiaWankleman · 26/08/2021 16:24

Son can cancel on dad, mum shouldn't so if it is still routinely organised by parents mum should have said sorry its your time with dad. Or asked dad if he would swap.

Mum communicated her son's wishes. There's nothing wrong with that, or more to it.

Dad doesn't have a 'right' to a weekend. It's his almost adult son's decision.

Travielkapelka · 26/08/2021 16:26

Not a problem for your son to go to football but he needs to be letting his dad know, not you

waitingpatientlyforspring · 26/08/2021 16:29

@namechange30455

Yes of course you're BU. It's not up to you if he can go or not, how do you know your ex doesn't have plans already?

I agree with this. It's not for you to decide, its dad's weekend so son asks dad if he is allowed to go.

FrippEnos · 26/08/2021 16:29

The problem isn't that your DS would prefer to go to the football. its that you/him/somebody didn't have a discussion with the DF.

You have just rung him up and said that the DS isn't going.

Farwest · 26/08/2021 16:32

Ds needed to ask his Dad, not you. Then, if Dad said no, you would have a conversation with Dad about weekends being ds's call from now on as he is too old for a strict eow arrangement.

So, Dad is right in a way, you are proposing a big change to contact arrangements.

aSofaNearYou · 26/08/2021 16:33

In my opinion you should have told him to ask his dad if he could go, rather than telling him he could. Dad would have been a bit of an arse to say no unless he had other plans but he's the adult in charge on that day.

YouLuckyBugger · 26/08/2021 16:36

@ClaudiaWankleman

Son can cancel on dad, mum shouldn't so if it is still routinely organised by parents mum should have said sorry its your time with dad. Or asked dad if he would swap.

Mum communicated her son's wishes. There's nothing wrong with that, or more to it.

Dad doesn't have a 'right' to a weekend. It's his almost adult son's decision.

I think if you're old enough to make decisions around contact yourself i.e. not to go, then you're old enough to communicate that to your parent yourself (certain circumstances being an exception of course).

If you still need your mother to "communicate your wishes" and organise contact for you, then you're not old enough to decide yourself and permission should be sought from whichever parent they are supposed to be with at the time.

A simple "you can do whatever you like son but make sure you speak to your Dad as he's expecting you this weekend" would have been better.

123sunshine · 26/08/2021 16:38

At 15 it’s his choice. I’ve never done the traditional every other weekend with my ex and our kids, it’s too restrictive and frankly not enough time for fathers to spend with their kids. All involved should allow more flexibility. Most months they would spend a whole weekend with their dad, one whole weekend with me and the other 2 part of the weekend at either places. This evolves and has fluidity though to take in to accounts plans of adults and kids. It helps that our homes are only 5 mins drive apart.

Goldbar · 26/08/2021 16:41

It's up to your DS what he does. It's his weekend and he's not a young child to be passed around between parents.

But... your DS should communicate directly with his dad. You can back him up if his dad is unpleasant to him but if they have an OK relationship, they ought to be able to work it out without bothering you.

AryaStarkWolf · 26/08/2021 16:43

Yeah echoing the choir here really but your ex should probably be dealing directly with his dad himself at his age, he can tell him if he can or can't go etc

mstroutpout · 26/08/2021 16:48

He's his dad's responsibility this weekend so your son should have asked his dad's permission not yours. His dad shouldn't be saying no though unless they had plans already - if he says no just to be petty because it's "his time" then I expect ds will vote with his feet before long

mstroutpout · 26/08/2021 16:50

Thing is on one hand yes 15 is old enough to decide which parent to have contact with and when... but it's still young enough to ask permission before going somewhere so he should have checked with the parent whose care he was in

Chloemol · 26/08/2021 17:03

At 15 your son is old enough to make his own decision. However I would have got him to tell his dad

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/08/2021 17:10

@YouLuckyBugger