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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we’re not stopping DS from seeing his dad?

67 replies

katorga · 26/08/2021 15:41

DS is 15, usually sees his dad EOW, DS and DP have been going to football matches since the season started, all fine.

There's a match this weekend but it's my ex’s weekend, DS wanted to go to the football, so we have said he can.

I messaged ex to let him know, and he said that we're stopping us from seeing him when its his time.

Are we BU?

OP posts:
AllTheSingleLadiess · 26/08/2021 17:10

I think that this is a good opportunity for your son to check future fixtures and negotiate alternative arrangements with his dad if they clash with contact. If dad was contacted today (Thursday) about contact starting tomorrow night or Saturday morning I can see why he's annoyed at the short notice. It is not unreasonable of your son to prefer the match but aren't the fixtures decided weeks or months ahead on time ?

He should have asked his dad's permission

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/08/2021 17:14

He should have spoken to his dad himself. If you’re going to leave it up to him to decide you need to let him liaise with his dad by himself.

TheReluctantPhoenix · 26/08/2021 17:19

Hmmm, I think this is quite a sensitive one.

If he did not want to go to his Dad’s because he was seeing a mate, that would be a 15 year old becoming more independent.

However, it is your partner offering an activity in his father’s time. What if his father offered him something he liked to do on your weekend. If your honest answer is that you would be pleased for him to go, then he should go to the football. OTOH, if you would expect his father to check with you before arranging it, then you should have done the same.

This could easily become a tit for tat.

Cuddlyrottweiler · 26/08/2021 17:23

At 15 your DS doesn't need set days, he can see his dad when he wants. Just take yourself out the conversation now.

Screwyoularry · 26/08/2021 17:31

@Cuddlyrottweiler

At 15 your DS doesn't need set days, he can see his dad when he wants. Just take yourself out the conversation now.
Yep, exactly this. Eow doesn't work when they get older. They have their own plans. My teens go between houses as & when they choose.
watfordgap21 · 26/08/2021 17:52

@TheReluctantPhoenix

Hmmm, I think this is quite a sensitive one.

If he did not want to go to his Dad’s because he was seeing a mate, that would be a 15 year old becoming more independent.

However, it is your partner offering an activity in his father’s time. What if his father offered him something he liked to do on your weekend. If your honest answer is that you would be pleased for him to go, then he should go to the football. OTOH, if you would expect his father to check with you before arranging it, then you should have done the same.

This could easily become a tit for tat.

I agree completley
Di11y · 26/08/2021 18:25

It's not up to you to give permission to do an activity during his dad's time.

ManifestDestinee · 26/08/2021 18:30

@zurala

Yes, it's your ex's weekend. Your son needs to go to his dad.
Not if he doesn't want to.
DontBeAHaterDear · 26/08/2021 18:33

He’s 15 so it’s up to him. If he was younger than say, teens I think your ex would have a point. I’m sure there’s a middle ground somewhere but your ex jumping to conclusion (you stopping your son from seeing him) isn’t going to help.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 26/08/2021 18:36

As loads of other people have said, he's 15 and can decide himself. At 15 neither parent should be dictating what he's doing with his weekend.

EarringsandLipstick · 26/08/2021 18:44

DS needs to have this conversation with his dad himself.

You are in the wrong by telling exH the arrangement has changed. It's up to DS & his dad to sort out.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/08/2021 18:45

Agree with everyone who’s said he’s 15 and can make his own mind up!

rainbowandglitter · 26/08/2021 19:10

Is it court ordered contact? If its court ordered you must make ds available on his dad's weekends.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/08/2021 19:13

If he was at his dad’s and decided not to come back to yours when he was meant to because he had a better offer, would you be happy for his dad to text and let you know or would you prefer to hear from him yourself?

pointythings · 26/08/2021 19:18

Now is the time to set out new rules which basically involve him arranging his own contact with his dad. That isn't about asking 'permission' to go do something else on 'his dad's' weekend - it's about politely informing his dad that he has plans that weekend and can they plan to meet at another time. It's not surprising this hasn't gone well this time, it's a big move from set schedules to something much looser, but all sides will have to adjust.

YouLuckyBugger · 26/08/2021 21:51

However, it is your partner offering an activity in his father’s time. What if his father offered him something he liked to do on your weekend

Yes I agree. It could be quite sensitive. I'm thinking how I would feel if my ex told me that instead of spending time with me as planned they had told DC they could go somewhere with his wife instead for the day and no one had told me.

Not that I think he should say no, but some consideration that it was supposed to be his weekend to see his son would have been better.

I'd definitely be encouraging your son to start discussing arrangements with his Dad directly in future. At least that way he is part of the discussion and doesn't just feel like he's informed by you of decisions you've already made between you all.

pointythings · 26/08/2021 22:29

I think by the time they're teenagers, you as parents have to take a step back in terms of what you want to do. Because it isn't 'your weekend - it's theirs. That applies equally to both parents.

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