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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend angry that I’m pregnant

86 replies

Hellotherebaby · 25/08/2021 21:27

I’m newly pregnant which I am very excited about. It is very early so I had only told a couple of people. Most were thrilled for me. I never thought I would become pregnant. When I told my friend of nearly 18 years she was…angry. She asked me why would I have a baby right now? I thought my friend would be happy for me. I’ve supported her through everything she has chose to do. She does not want children and is not maternal. I am so happy to be pregnant but this has really got me down and made me feel disgusted in my friend. It’s like everything I do has to be ok’d by her first!

OP posts:
RightYesButNo · 25/08/2021 23:36

Can I ask, what are these fundamental opinions that they disagree on? You said she thinks your husband needs to change, you don’t. There’s a very big difference between him thinking that dogs are better than cats and your friend being an ardent cat lover vs. your husband believing all housework should be done by women or all women who have children must stay home until they leave school. I’d have to know what they disagree on before saying SIBU. She got angry and said this was “the wrong time.” That sounds like strange reasoning unless she’s really worried about your relationship safety (or maybe even COVID??) or something.

RightYesButNo · 25/08/2021 23:39

Also, your husband might be fine, but
She said that he won’t change but I don’t want him to change? I love him
Could also be something an abuse victim could easily say. As you’ve name-changed, we have no idea if you have any previous threads about him that would shine some light.

ithinkilikeit · 25/08/2021 23:41

Yeah agree what are the things they disagree on. If it’s that your husband is racist misogynistic etc then I can understand if your friend doesn’t like him.

VyrnwyGirl · 25/08/2021 23:42

@Hellotherebaby First of all, CONGRATULATIONS. Secondly she is no friend. What a horrible way to behave. Hmm

When I got married, my (so called) friend from school who I had known for 15-16 years, was incensed. She said 'I should have got married before you. I have been with MY boyfriend for 6 years. How come YOU are getting married after only 3 years? Are you doing this to beat me?'

I was gobsmacked. I had seen her annoyed and pissed off because 3 or 4 other friends from school passed their driving test at 17-18 years old, and she had failed 4 times, and had still not passed at 19! And she was over the moon when she passed on the 5th attempt (at the age of 20.)

She was particularly chuffed because I hadn't passed MY driving test.. I hadn't had a single driving lesson, as I wasn't that fussed at 19-20 years old. I lived 15 minutes walk from work, there was a bus stop 2 minutes walk from my house, and a train station 10 minutes walk away, so I was in no rush to learn to drive. So I was perplexed that she thought she had 'beaten' me as I hadn't had a single driving lesson! (I passed at 24 btw.)

And then, as I said, she was furious when I said I was getting married. At 25 years old. She was so nasty and bitchy, that I didn't invite her to the wedding. She ignored me every time she saw me for after that. What a treat. Wink

I didn't see her much after about a year as I moved house, and was much further away from her. Then 3 years after getting married, I fell pregnant, and it got back to her. She still wasn't married, the bloke she had been with for 3 years before I met my DH dumped her after 7 years, and she told my friend who told her I was pregnant, that I was pathetic, and had clearly got pregnant to 'beat her to it.'

Fucking weirdo. Actually believed everything I did was to out-do her, and get there first. Totally deluded.

Last I heard, she was 42 and still single, and had never married. Not shocked to be honest.

People can talk about these so-called friends 'worrying about the friendship,; and so on, and other excuses, but in my experience, people who behave like this are plain jealous, and unhappy with their life, and can't bear to see other people happy.

Flowers500 · 25/08/2021 23:47

Yeah I’m not going to damn the friend until I know what those fundamental opinions are and what she thinks needs to change about your husband.

Role of women in the world? Drugs? Politics (what part)? How people should act when they are in relationships? Health things?

From the info we have, you could have a controlling friend. Or you could have a prick of a partner who is ruining your life.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 25/08/2021 23:49

Congratulations. However Your happiness hasn't changed her life.

There's no Law that's ever been stated that women must do a merry dance at every pregnancy announcement. (Their friends included). She may well just not have a maternal bone in her body and just not interested and she doesn't have to be or could it be that she's consumed with jealousy and going through her own struggles with fertility. It's often easier to fight against something and pretend you don't want it that not be able to have it.

ithinkilikeit · 25/08/2021 23:50

@VyrnwyGirl seems that you think being married is the only thing valuable thing in a women’s life. Absolutely nothing wrong with not ever getting married.

Also, this may shock you but many women who get married at 25 are divorced by 42 so she isn’t doing that bad, don’t worry Confused. Seems your friend was horrible and you were just as. Perfect for each other!

Original poster
Hellotherebaby · 25/08/2021 23:51

My friend has a problem with gay/trans and unconventional relationships. My husband does not. He is not abusive towards me or anyone else

OP posts:
Demelza82 · 25/08/2021 23:55

@Hellotherebaby

They clash on their fundamental opinions and over the years have just grown to not like each other which makes it very hard for me. I have been married for 8 years! But everytime I make a decision without consulting her first I get a response that I should be ready for but I’m always not. Shes condescending and makes me feel stupid. I know she doesn’t make children, she extremely vocal on that.
Only you can answer this but you be sure that this is actually the truth or a seed put into your head by your husband as they don't get on and presumably it would be easier for him if she wasn't in your life/he may feel threatened by her maybe having influence over you
VyrnwyGirl · 25/08/2021 23:55

@Hellotherebaby

My friend has a problem with gay/trans and unconventional relationships. My husband does not. He is not abusive towards me or anyone else
Ewww, bin her off. She sounds vile.

So jealous of you too. Is she married? If not, I am not surprised. if she IS, I pity her husband.

Also I don't believe she doesn't want children. She is jealous of you.

VyrnwyGirl · 25/08/2021 23:57

@Hellotherebaby And why on EARTH do you feel you should be consulting this woman before you do anything? Confused She sounds horrible. Ghost her ASAP. For the sake of your own sanity. She is toxic.

Flowers500 · 25/08/2021 23:57

@Hellotherebaby

My friend has a problem with gay/trans and unconventional relationships. My husband does not. He is not abusive towards me or anyone else
Ah well that sounds like a v different situation to what was going through my head (and I’m glad for you!!!).

You don’t need to stay friends with someone who has views you disagree with fundamentally. I can see why they don’t get on

ithinkilikeit · 25/08/2021 23:58

@VyrnwyGirl why don’t you believe she doesn’t want a child? It may shock you too learn this but some women actually do not want children.

Yeah OP, your friend doesn’t seem very nice regardless of whether she wants kids or not. It’s not always jealousy. Some people are just mean.

Mammyloveswine · 26/08/2021 00:01

When I told my friend I was pregnant she replied "what about my hen do away?"..never even said congratulations!

Then couldn't understand why I couldn't go to Vegas child free despite being 6 weeks post partum and breastfeeding.. some people are just selfish.

I did go to the wedding baby free but that was 6 months so was easier, she still asked why I left at 11pm though! (To feed my baby who wouldn't take a bottle!!)

ithinkilikeit · 26/08/2021 00:01

Anyway OP I’m sorry for you because you have opened a huge can of worms by mentioning ‘trans’ on a MN thread and from posters who refuse to accept your comments that your friend doesn’t actually want children.

Regardless of whether your friend is jealous or not etc it is extremely weird the way she is behaving. As PP said she doesn’t have to be over the moon - tbh I don’t get particularly excited when my fiends tell em they are pregnant - but to be angry is extremely weird and suggest she has an unhealthy view of you. She also seems to have views I don’t agree with so I would not want this relationship anyway but it’s up to you if you value her as a friend enough to overlook everything.

Beelzebop · 26/08/2021 00:04

I would be brave and ask her straight, nicely but straight. You might just lose her. Having a baby has a bizarre effect on your friends as well sometimes!

VyrnwyGirl · 26/08/2021 00:09

[quote ithinkilikeit]@VyrnwyGirl why don’t you believe she doesn’t want a child? It may shock you too learn this but some women actually do not want children.

Yeah OP, your friend doesn’t seem very nice regardless of whether she wants kids or not. It’s not always jealousy. Some people are just mean.[/quote]
I don't believe the 'friend' doesn't want children, because she has been so nasty to the OP. It's a weird defence mechanism.If she wasn't bothered about kids, she wouldn't have cared, and wouldn't have been so nasty. It's textbook.

My so-called friend from school was nasty about me getting married - AND getting pregnant, because she was a spiteful individual who was desperate to get married, and desperate to get pregnant/have a baby, and she was furious that others were doing it 'before her...'

She was catty to other people to as I said earlier. Unsurprising, her vitriolic self is still single and never married, several decades later. Hardly surprising, as she is a nasty person.

Lunificent · 26/08/2021 00:09

Nothing about her sounds good. I’m shocked by her behaviour. You would be right to let her go.

TartanJumper · 26/08/2021 00:09

@Hellotherebaby

My friend has a problem with gay/trans and unconventional relationships. My husband does not. He is not abusive towards me or anyone else
I couldn't be friends with her for that alone, never mind her unwanted opinions on my life. Bin her off is my advice.
VyrnwyGirl · 26/08/2021 00:10

I am not saying ALL unmarrieds are nasty people, but she bloody well is.

VyrnwyGirl · 26/08/2021 00:11

Also the OPs so-called friend sounds nasty too!

altiara · 26/08/2021 00:44

Sounds like the friend she doesn’t want her life to change, she wants OP at her beck and call so she doesn’t like OPs DH and definitely doesn’t want a baby to be prioritised.

phishy · 26/08/2021 00:49

@Hellotherebaby

My friend has a problem with gay/trans and unconventional relationships. My husband does not. He is not abusive towards me or anyone else
Shock

Is she also racist?

Boredmotherofone · 26/08/2021 00:53

Sounds like she doesn't think you're capable for some reason?? Not that that is ok for her to say at all!! Can you think of why she could possibly think that? If not, it sounds like jealousy. Even though she doesn't want kids, it's still a 'life achievement' and she's jealous of your success, stability and achievement. As though it makes her look like the wayward one

Chocaholic9 · 26/08/2021 03:18

I had a friend like this who questioned all my decisions and was not happy for me when something good happened or my life got better. I got rid and so glad I did. Life can be hard enough without that negativity.