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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend angry that I’m pregnant

86 replies

Hellotherebaby · 25/08/2021 21:27

I’m newly pregnant which I am very excited about. It is very early so I had only told a couple of people. Most were thrilled for me. I never thought I would become pregnant. When I told my friend of nearly 18 years she was…angry. She asked me why would I have a baby right now? I thought my friend would be happy for me. I’ve supported her through everything she has chose to do. She does not want children and is not maternal. I am so happy to be pregnant but this has really got me down and made me feel disgusted in my friend. It’s like everything I do has to be ok’d by her first!

OP posts:

MargosKaftan · 25/08/2021 21:54

It sounds like you have outgrown this friendship.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 25/08/2021 21:55

Time for a new friend, I think. Friends should be genuinely happy for you when joyful things happen in your life - if she can't manage that, then she's not got your best interests at heart and therefore isn't your friend!
She doesn't have to like your husband but unless he's abusive, it's not on for her to make her opinion so obvious - he's your choice and again, so long as you are well treated and happy, that's good enough. It's rude to be openly critical of him to you.

Original poster

Hellotherebaby · 25/08/2021 21:55

The last couple of years our friendship has changed. We have been best friends most of our lives but the last few years I’ve found my voice and she doesn’t like it. We do have fun but when I have a different opinion to her I am met with such judgment and almost anger. I think it might be time for me to let go as sad as that is. Thank you everyone for the congrats, I feel more supported here!

OP posts:

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 25/08/2021 21:56

Are you sure she doesn't want children?

I found out at a young age that I wouldn't be able to have any and the only way I could cope was by telling people I don't want children. Most people still believe that's the reason rather than not actually being able to.

romdowa · 25/08/2021 21:56

Sounds like a very toxic friendship, if my friends were annoyed I hadn't ran my life choices past them first , I'd laugh my ass off. She sounds controlling , this would be the end for me.

abw94 · 25/08/2021 21:58

Congratulations!

She's not a friend. She's clearly very self absorbed with no interest in anyone else but herself. Maybe a twang of jealousy that you're settled down and now starting a new chapter? I think your new baby will force the friendship away anyway and probably a good thing.

Original poster

Hellotherebaby · 25/08/2021 22:02

She’s been supportive to other friends having children. Just not me. Once another close friends of ours asked when I was going to have a baby and she laughed and said she’s not ready for that and walked away. I was stunned.

OP posts:

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 25/08/2021 22:04

She's being a shit friend then.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! You'll probably find that the relationship drifts out and that may be the best thing if she's going to be like this.

Bethany7 · 25/08/2021 22:05

She doesn't sound like a 'friend' O.P
She sounds put out that things are going to change in the future. But it is your life and try not to let her put a downer on this very special time in your life.

GlinnerForPM · 25/08/2021 22:05

Distance yourself from this person. She is not your friend. She has no respect for you and only wants your friendship on her terms. Move on.
Many congratulations on your pregnancy

Original poster

Hellotherebaby · 25/08/2021 22:06

Thank you everyone 🌸

OP posts:

ithinkilikeit · 25/08/2021 22:18

@Earthandstars the OP has already explained she is not maternal and doesn’t want a child. It seems everything on MN is taken at face value except a women saying she does not want children.

She most likely feels she will lose OP as a friend when she has a child. Please stop assuming every women hankers for a baby. It’s misogynistic.

ithinkilikeit · 25/08/2021 22:20

@WhenISnappedAndFarted op has made it clear her friend does not want children.

TartanJumper · 25/08/2021 22:22

[quote ithinkilikeit]@Earthandstars the OP has already explained she is not maternal and doesn’t want a child. It seems everything on MN is taken at face value except a women saying she does not want children.

She most likely feels she will lose OP as a friend when she has a child. Please stop assuming every women hankers for a baby. It’s misogynistic.[/quote]
Agree.
I know people who don't want children for a multitude of reasons (not maternal, not parent material, too selfish, too mentally unwell... etc etc). It's really not always a bad decision, either.

Libraryghost · 25/08/2021 22:24

I never wanted children but when my best friend got pregnant I felt a bit weird about it. Outwardly I made a huge fuss of her but inside even though I knew I didn’t want a baby I felt a bit sad. I think it does make you question your choices and it also means a friendship will change. I got over it and made sure my selfish little bit of sadness was very hidden! Your friend sounds a bit controlling and it also sounds like she has very low self esteem.

ithinkilikeit · 25/08/2021 22:27

@TartanJumper thank you. It’s honestly exhausting that in every single thread where somebody mentions a women who doesn’t want children a poster instantly replies that she must be infertile and is lying about it. Some women just don’t want kids.

ithinkilikeit · 25/08/2021 22:28

@scatteredglitter yeah I think OP’s friend is feeling like she has lost her last child free friend and is upset about being the only ‘odd one out’. As someone without kids I can see how she feels but as you say it’s for that she takes it out on the OP.

Cryalot2 · 25/08/2021 22:28

Congratulations op.
You know she is toxic. She seems jealous of you, and possibly you did do as she pleased until you found your dh. She may dislike him also because he can influence you and she cannot control you.
You don't need her.

Notimeforaname · 25/08/2021 22:30

but the last few years I’ve found my voice and she doesn’t like it
You hit the nail on the head there op.

I think its sensible to let the friendship go.

She wont bring you any good and will take the joy away from anything you're excited/happy about.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!!

You'll have plenty to plan and keep you busy. You wont have time for Debbie Downers like her

Branleuse · 25/08/2021 22:31

Maybe shes in love with you

QueenBee52 · 25/08/2021 22:32

Congratulations on your pregnancy ...

Ditch this loser friend 🌸

ttcissoboring · 25/08/2021 22:37

[quote ithinkilikeit]@scatteredglitter yeah I think OP’s friend is feeling like she has lost her last child free friend and is upset about being the only ‘odd one out’. As someone without kids I can see how she feels but as you say it’s for that she takes it out on the OP.[/quote]
Yes. I've been there and still am there. I'm the last of my circles to have a baby and also having fertility issues, it sucks bigtime.

So I honestly think ditching her is a bit extreme. She probably has all sorts of emotions going on.

But she is also not very nice for reacting that way, although personally it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me non of us are perfect.

I would ask her why she's angry though. Have you asked?

Boatonthehorizon · 25/08/2021 22:48

Congratulations xxx
I think a lot of us have had friends like this. Pregnancy brings up powerful emotions. She'll hopefully come round. Try not to worry about it. You are under no obligation to run your life to her tune. As someone once said 'why do you give her so much power over your life?'
Try not to stress. Its genuinely bad for baby and put you and your family first x

Feedingthebirds1 · 25/08/2021 23:20

She probably has all sorts of emotions going on.

The main emotion she seems to have is that the OP no longer says 'How high?' when the friend says 'jump'.

OP I know you're upset now at her angry reaction, but I'm sure you're right that she doesn't like you having thoughts and actions independently of her and without her permission. Take some time to reflect. You've been friends for 18 years and you've only started to stand up for yourself in the last two. Have the other 16 been spent always doing what she wants, her telling you what to do and you doing it?

She's not your friend, she's been your boss. Time to resign from the job and let her find a new employee to order about.

Original poster

Hellotherebaby · 25/08/2021 23:32

I guess I’m a laid back person who goes with the flow and I’ve been ok with that. we have known each other since we were young and as I’ve gotten older I guess I have changed a bit and realised that yes I’m still pretty easy going but I don’t always have to do things to please others people. When ever I say no to her she would not take that as an answer and ask me another 3-4 times still not taking my answer. I started to stand my ground and she’s now telling me that I’m a bad friend. I guess everyone is right. I need to put myself first and let her go.

OP posts:

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