Upset daughter

[DilemmaDelilah]

Back story - my daughter is very sensitive but also it seems quite incapable of understanding that other people (me) are also sensitive and can get upset by her comments. She and her family came to lunch on Sunday and she made several comments that upset me but her reaction is to laugh at me for being offended. They weren't majorly upsetting, but they were unkind. I provide some childcare for my daughter at half terms and a little in the summer holidays. I work full time so this has to come out of my annual leave. I also try to have the children overnight at least once a month so they are used to being here and it gives their parents a break. The children frequently come to us without enough clothes having been packed, she believes that they should be responsible for their own packing so does not supervise. I don't disagree with that in principle, but in reality it doesn't work. So I have been picking up a few bits of spare clothing for them in the sales so that there is something here if they have an accident or just don't have enough. It's only supermarket clothing and I am very happy for it to sit in the drawer and not be worn. However the children have frequently gone home in clothes other than they arrived in, especially socks, and you would think she would have noticed that - plus on occasion I have actually told her why. So - yesterday they arrived here in t-shirts and shorts. No jumper, fleece or coat. We had a picnic in the woods planned and it was breezy and not that warm, although nice and sunny. When I realised that was all they had with them and I told the older child that I was fed up of having to buy extra clothes for them because they didn't bring enough with them. I was cross - but before you say it I know I was unreasonable. I had some light jumpers for them here so they wore those and they were glad of them, because it was actually quite chilly! This morning I had a phone call from my daughter - the older child had told her I was cross at them and she was telling me off. She said it was a hot day so they didn't need anything more than t-shirts, I told her about the picnic and that it was actually quite cold. She said if I had told her what I was planning she would have made sure they had enough clothes but it was a hot day anyway.... there was a bit of a 'discussion' and I did not apologise, resulting in her telling me she was very upset and putting the phone down on me. My OH was actually already on the way to pick up the children at the time and when he got there she didn't even come downstairs to talk to him. So - she is upset - I am also upset, but she still expects me to look after her children (although to be fair it would be difficult for her to find alternative childcare) and she wants me to apologise. I would like her to apologise for upsetting me, but I haven't asked her to do so. I would like her to apologise for not realising that the children come to us with unsuitable or insufficient clothing, which I then have to remedy. My difficulty is that we are going away in a couple of weeks and I have asked her to feed the cats every other day while we are away (they have an automatic cat feeder so don't need checking on every day). I am worried that she might say she won't do it - she would have to get 2 buses to do so. We feed her cat every day when she goes away but we do have a car. AIBU in not apologising for having upset her? I am still looking after the children.

However, I would like to feel appreciated. I don't need chocolates and flowers.

Your grandchildren will look back and truly appreciate all of this when they grow up
Your daughter for whatever reason takes you for granted probably always has done
Probably always will
Maybe hasn't grown up yet
No amount of you asking for gratitude will achieve that will it?

You both sound a bit silly.

Demanding apologies is quite…dunno… lame.

And get a cat sitter! That’s not appropriate for someone who has kids come on.

@PersonaNonGarter

You both sound a bit silly.

Demanding apologies is quite…dunno… lame.

And get a cat sitter! That’s not appropriate for someone who has kids come on.

She said she would like to feel appreciated and why not?

She didn't demand an apology at all. You need to read the thread before jumping in and getting it all wrong. Not helpful when you don't have the facts to hand

I don't think my daughter is deliberately selfish, just a bit thoughtless, but also very quick to take offence and extremely stubborn. I love her dearly, and the children, and I don't want her to be upset, but I really don't feel I am in the wrong about this. I have just come back from A&E, I blacked out this evening when I was trying to do the cooking with the children. I have a (minor) heart condition so rang 111 and ended up being told to go in. There isn't anything wrong - they think it was caused by stress on top of an episode of atrial fibrillation this afternoon which had resolved with medication. We had to call my daughter to collect the children as we didn't know whether I might end up staying in hospital. She didn't say a word to me when she came and hardly looked at me. She certainly didn't ask how I was. It is very hurtful.
And I take on board all the cat sitting comments. If she refuses to talk to me I hardly want her to look after the cats anyway. I can't see her talking to me any time soon, and certainly not before we go away. I will have to see if I can cancel some of our hotel bookings... We had planned a bit of a road trip on our way back from seeing other family but I think I would rather just stay at home now.

It sounds to me as if you could do with getting away.

I would look into a neighbour for the cats before cancelling.

What stands out to be is that you use annual leave to do childcare.

I'm really surprised that your daughter is OK with that.

I know it's your decision but I think it's a thing that many adulty wouldn't accept at all from their parents.

@EL8888

That’s my experience of “sensitive” people. They are only sensitive to themselves, they are typically insensitive and rude to others

Mine too, and the upset and drama if you pull them up on being rude to you then overshadows everything!

She didn't say a word to me when she came and hardly looked at me. She certainly didn't ask how I was. It is very hurtful.

Wow!

@EL8888
Agree

In my experience, those that have claimed to be sensitive are hard as nails and invariably claim it to manipulate and get what they want.

ANYONE claiming to be sensitive is infact a big red flag.

Some years ago there was a child in my daughters class that her mother was always going on about how worried she was about her because she was SO SENSITIVE.
She was not.
My daughter knew well she was not and used to tell me some of the sly things she did.

Every single teacher for 5 years were taken in.

Unfortunately one day she did something nasty and my daughter witnessed it.
When the other child was upset the girl denied everything and the teacher said there must have been a misunderstanding.

My daughter took it upon her self to go up to the teacher and tell her she saw and heard EXACTLY what had occurred.

Sensitive child became absolutely hysterical at being asked very, very calmly by the teacher was it true?
She could not cope.

9am the following there were several parents waiting to see the teacher and Principal. 8 complaints were made.

Principal was stunned.

There was murder at all the incidents that had been brushed under the carpet.

Parents were openly discussing the whole thing, how they had been brushed off previously, and swapping stories.

The actually lovely Principal was so shocked after years of accomdating "the sensitive child".

Her parents were called in an given the riot act.
The child was called in and given the riot act.
I believe the principal suggested she might be happier elsewhere, but as they live minutes walking from the school they didn't want that.

I conclude that her parents were stunned and she was given the bollixing of a life time.
They must have been truly mortified.

I NEVER saw the mother near the school again and the daughter never so much as said Boo to another child for the remaining years.

The whole incident was the talk of the school.

Whenever I hear of anyone being sensitive I think of that child.

@DilemmaDelilah

I don't think my daughter is deliberately selfish, just a bit thoughtless, but also very quick to take offence and extremely stubborn. I love her dearly, and the children, and I don't want her to be upset, but I really don't feel I am in the wrong about this. I have just come back from A&E, I blacked out this evening when I was trying to do the cooking with the children. I have a (minor) heart condition so rang 111 and ended up being told to go in. There isn't anything wrong - they think it was caused by stress on top of an episode of atrial fibrillation this afternoon which had resolved with medication. We had to call my daughter to collect the children as we didn't know whether I might end up staying in hospital. She didn't say a word to me when she came and hardly looked at me. She certainly didn't ask how I was. It is very hurtful. And I take on board all the cat sitting comments. If she refuses to talk to me I hardly want her to look after the cats anyway. I can't see her talking to me any time soon, and certainly not before we go away. I will have to see if I can cancel some of our hotel bookings... We had planned a bit of a road trip on our way back from seeing other family but I think I would rather just stay at home now.

The actions you mention here seem deliberately selfish.

@DilemmaDelilah

I agree with the poster who said sensitive types are generally insensitive & rude towards others.

She's quite happy to not talk to you but you still have to continue looking after her children. I also can't say I'm surprised that she silently collected the children & didn't show concern for how you were.

You need to decide how you want the relationship to continue. If she continues to be silent & expect an apology, are you going to continue to use your annual leave to do her a favour ?

If it was me, silent works both ways. No helping her out until she behaves like an adult

Is there any chance your daughter might have thought you fabricated the blackout to get her to pick up the children because you're still annoyed with her? That's the only reason I could think she would behave this way unless she is genuinely a horrible person, which you've said she isn't.

I think you should call her and try and sort this out between you before it goes on for too long.

As a side note, I think you definitely need to cut down the amount you do with the children. You need to prioritise your health and your current commitments are obviously too much for you at the moment, not to mention that you're not even enjoying it. Don't work yourself into an early grave just to keep the peace with her.

I suggest you stop being such a martyr, arrange professional care for your pets and go and enjoy your break.

She won't change so you need change how you react to her antics.

It all sounds utterly exhausting tbh.