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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - MIL - Cold Sore

60 replies

2ndaryInfertilityage30 · 25/08/2021 09:24

For the record I think I am being totally reasonable, however…

MIL has an active cold sore on her lip. She has already passed the virus to my daughter (I know this as she is the only person who repeatedly kissed my daughter with an active cold sore despite me telling her not too, and now my daughter gets them, and they cause her a lot of pain)

My son (3) doesn’t get them (so far, and neither do I or my DH who is her son - she was clearly careful with her own kids) however she keeps kissing my son with an active infection. I’m horrified, my DH keeps telling me he will speak to her. I haven’t spoken to her yet as we are on holiday and quite honestly every time I bring this up she tells me ‘oh it’s just a little one’ to add to this, she is a GP and it makes me feel stupid telling a GP to stop kissing my kids with cold sores as I feel I really shouldn’t have to.

What would you do and aibu?

OP posts:

AmandaHoldensLips · 25/08/2021 09:25

I would completely lose my shit.

Gennever · 25/08/2021 09:28

Do you have to see her while she has the cold sore?

Babyshadows · 25/08/2021 09:32

I absolutely would not be seeing the MIL. Coldsores are life long infections, I can't believe she would be so selfish ! My 9 year old gets them and they cause her so much embarrassment (they shouldn't but they do) I'd be furious. I'm generally a pick your battles person but 100% if choose this one. She might have already infected him :-( there is NO need for lip kisses for any child

ChickpeaCrunch · 25/08/2021 09:39

@AmandaHoldensLips

I would completely lose my shit.

This

IsabelGowdie · 25/08/2021 09:39

I would remind myself that it is my first priority is the wellbeing of my child. That should take precedence over the MILs feelings.

Sorry to be harsh, but your son cannot protect himself, and your DH is not going to do it so it’s up to you.

I would imagine that both your DCs will be very very angry with you if they have cold sores for the rest of their lives because you did not step up and prevent them when you could have.

If you are wavering, think of them on their first day of school, prom night, graduation, wedding, birth of their first child with an active cold sore. Imagine that they would not be able to kiss their own newborns because their granny insisted on kissing them and their parents were too weak to stop it.

In terms of practical steps; speak to your MIL, and no unsupervised access.

ShingleBeach · 25/08/2021 09:40

I would say calmly, firmly but politely “MIL, Dd suffers badly when she has an outbreak. I don’t want Ds to experience the same. I am absolutely serious in my request that you do not kiss Ds while you have a cold sore. If you don’t agree to this or abide by it I will stop contact while you have an outbreak”

Original poster

2ndaryInfertilityage30 · 25/08/2021 09:41

Well this is how I feel. I told her (MIL) so many times with my DD (8) and now she (DD)gets them. My dd hates them so much and they hurt her.

I’m so worried she’s now already done it to my son (as we are on holiday with her now in Scotland and she has a cold sore and keeps kissing my son) if I bring it up it will cause major issues (delicate history) but I’m on the verge of packing the bags and going as I want to protect my son from this horrible life long virus that he will hate. But I think the damage might already be done and I can’t believe I’ve not protected him from this and spoke up instead of asking and asking DH who has done nothing about it.

OP posts:

InpatientGardener · 25/08/2021 09:44

That is incredibly selfish of her. My DM gets cold sores and won't share cups or anything with me or my DD even when she doesn't actively have one. If you know you have a cold sore or one coming it is your responsibility to prevent transmission to others. I would go berserk at her.

irresistibleoverwhelm · 25/08/2021 09:47

Yanbu op - I get cold sores - likely from similar family members when I was young - and I am militant about trying not to pass them on to my DD. She isn’t allowed to use any cup etc. I’ve used at any time, and I never kiss her near the mouth, ever.

Your MIL should know better and maybe the only option is not to see her until this is properly addressed.

romdowa · 25/08/2021 09:49

I'd loose it completely, gp or not. I suffer with cold sores and I've gotten ones so bad that I've had to go on medications , they are not fun and no way would I risk passing them to someone else. She's being a selfish bitch and it needs pointing out to her

JellyNo15 · 25/08/2021 09:50

As a grandmother I am appalled by her actions. I get coldsores and there is no way I would kiss them from the start when you just get a tingle and until they have completely disappeared. I only kiss the tops of their heads anyway but we do get lots of cuddles.

Glenthebattleostrich · 25/08/2021 09:51

Honestly, I would lose my shit. Ive had cold sores since i was small because of selfish adults and there's no way I would allow this.

Be very firm and very clear, if she kisses your son again with a cold sore it is the last time she will see him. No more days out, no more family meals, no more holidays. Nothing. If she hit him in the face causing a legion you would not hesitate yo cut her off, this is no different. She is selfishly putting her want before your sons health.

As an aside, there are some good treatments now, compede patches cut an attack from 3 weeks to 1 for me and my friend has used a light device on hers with great success.

IsabelGowdie · 25/08/2021 09:51

This is a bit like a sunk cost fallacy. You suspect she may have already done it, so your are basically abdicating any responsibility for him catching it now.

Being brutal; you are choosing family harmony over doing the right thing. The right thing is stopping your MIL kissing your son and giving him cold sores for life.

So, you have a choice.
Give your son cold sores or speak to your MIL.

You say that your daughter is distressed and in pain. Your actions show that you value your MILs feelings more than the pain and distress of your children. If that is the case, no one can persuade you otherwise.

proudwomansexmatters · 25/08/2021 09:52

I'm a pick your battles type too. This would be a hill I'd die on.

If your mil is generally that selfish that she is ignoring you because she doesn't feel it is important then unfortunately you have no other option than to go bat shit crazy at her so she understands in no uncertain terms that you are serious.

In an ideal world it would be great if people just listened and accepted what is a reasonable and responsible request. But she hasn't. So...!

Notaroadrunner · 25/08/2021 09:53

FGS grow a spine and tell her to stay the fuck away from the kids. Dh gets them and he won't come near any of us when he has one. Any idiot knows not to kiss someone when you have a cold sore. Your MIL is a selfish bitch and I'd tell her that to her face. Stop waiting for your spineless Dh to tell her. And yes, I'd leave if she didn't apologise and accept that she is 100% in the wrong.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 25/08/2021 09:53

Lose your shit with this selfish woman. She isn’t concerned about passing on this infection to her grandchildren so why should you consider her feelings?

As a side note, I think if everyone who is reasonable and considerate started to lose their shit with selfish, unreasonable people, society might just start to grow more considerate as whole.

HeartvsBrain · 25/08/2021 09:54

There isn't really anything else to be said is there? You know she shouldn't be doing this (as must she if she is a Dr.) This is not only a hill that I would be prepared to die on, it is one that the survival of my marriage would depend on. Tell your husband that you and your children are leaving today (unless his mother agrees to go - as she can't be trusted not to kiss your son), and if he doesn't come with you (after he has told his mother why you are going, then tell your husband that he needn't return home after his holiday - and mean it.
(I presume that ypu make sure that no-one shares you MiLs towels or flannels, as well)?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 25/08/2021 10:00

Jesus! A GP?

I don't even kiss DH when I have the tingle, bump or last remnants of one!

Lose it with her. Take her outside, away from the kids, and tell her plainly she has already hurt her GD with her wilful lack of concern, that her utter lack of professional acumen is unbelievable and that if her GS develops them you will be sure to tell her again how much of a crap, self absorbed person she is - loudly, repeatedly, every time either of your children sprout a cold sore.

HoikingUpMyBigGirlPantss · 25/08/2021 10:01

As a GP she should damn well know better! DNephew gets painful cold sores and uses his own cups and cutlery, face cloth/towels etc during an outbreak. Probably a bit of overkill, but he's adamant he doesnt pass it on to his DW or young DC. He reckons he caught it as a child from his own DM. Please set your DMiL straight!

Wavypurple · 25/08/2021 10:02

I know people will say I’m being dramatic but this would be enough for me to not speak to her for a long, long time. I’m not suggesting that’s the solution but I would absolutely lose it.

GreenTortoise · 25/08/2021 10:05

If she that gross that she doesn't care and completely ignorant.

I'd lost my shit.

I wouldn't even allow her near the kids if she can't be responsible enough not to spread on her infections.

TheLadyGrayson · 25/08/2021 10:07

Ugh god this is grossing me out as an adult, and I would know how to avoid a coldsore.. you need to protect your son. MIL sounds like a nightmare!

GreenTortoise · 25/08/2021 10:07

Just to add I work in dentistry and we wouldn't see anyone with an active cold sore and if they needed emergency appointment and we had to see them we had to double up masks, gloves and keep the instruments completely separate even in the de con room had to go on their own fresh cycle with the ultrasonic being let out and throughly disinfected afterwards.

Letthelightoflove · 25/08/2021 10:07

Teach your children that their health is more important than someone else’s wish for physical contact with them.

Lose your shit and go home if that’s the only way but put your foot down, both with your DH and with your MIL.

ItsSunnyOutside · 25/08/2021 10:08

What a selfish woman she is! and she is a GP?!

Now is not the time to be diplomatic...I would be having stern words with her and your dh, if she doesn't stop kissing your dcs when she has a coldsore, she won't be seeing them whilst she has one. So selfish. You really need to be strong on this one op.

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