Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - MIL - Cold Sore

60 replies

2ndaryInfertilityage30 · 25/08/2021 09:24

For the record I think I am being totally reasonable, however…

MIL has an active cold sore on her lip. She has already passed the virus to my daughter (I know this as she is the only person who repeatedly kissed my daughter with an active cold sore despite me telling her not too, and now my daughter gets them, and they cause her a lot of pain)

My son (3) doesn’t get them (so far, and neither do I or my DH who is her son - she was clearly careful with her own kids) however she keeps kissing my son with an active infection. I’m horrified, my DH keeps telling me he will speak to her. I haven’t spoken to her yet as we are on holiday and quite honestly every time I bring this up she tells me ‘oh it’s just a little one’ to add to this, she is a GP and it makes me feel stupid telling a GP to stop kissing my kids with cold sores as I feel I really shouldn’t have to.

What would you do and aibu?

OP posts:
Starjammer · 25/08/2021 10:11

You need to say something. This is your child, and they rely on you to protect them. By letting her kiss them, you are setting them up for a lifetime of cold sores, which can be painful and inconvenient. My friend gets them whenever she is stressed, so every big event she is going to, she gets a huge cold sore that makes her entire lower face swell up.

Please stop her. If you have to be rude, then so be it. Your priority is your child, not her feelings.

lovingtheheat · 25/08/2021 10:12

I'd go mad. My mum is a nurse, she has had them for as long as I remember. She steers clear of all of us when she has one. Your MIL is selfish. Your husband should nip this in the bud, but it sounds like he won't.

Icequeen01 · 25/08/2021 10:20

I really feel for you Op. I suffer from cold sores which I picked up from my DM. I'm 60 now and I still feel embarrassed when I have one. I was careful when my DS was growing up and he doesn't suffer from them. I have my own cup at work and if I am visiting friends for a coffee and I can feel one coming or I already have one I take my own cup with me!

shouldistop · 25/08/2021 10:22

I'd be absolutely furious. You must speak up for your children, you are their advocates. Who cares about politeness?!

lozkp · 25/08/2021 10:26

I know it's the sun but I'm sure you can find lots more reputable sources for exactly why this is in a irresponsible thing for your MIL to do
www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/7935004/parents-warning-baby-died-from-cold-sore-virus/

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 25/08/2021 10:27

Just pack your bags. You’ve told her and she’s ignoring your wishes and more importantly the health of the child.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 25/08/2021 10:37

I'd be mad. And also lose all respect for her for being stupid. 'Its just a little one'...wtf!? Since when are small coldsores not contagious, what a shit gp if she doesn't even care enough about her own grandkids enough to stop spreading a horrible virus

AnonymousCheerleader · 25/08/2021 10:37

I get them and I hate them. I told my mum not to kiss my son with one and she responded that he probably already has the virus from me anyway. She meant given to him through my blood stream while I was pregnant with him. This is a highly intelligent, highly educated woman. I had to explain that's not how it works. Luckily, he's never had one so I hope I've managed to keep him safe.

For those suffering, a dose of lysine daily. And then Herpotherm at the first tingle. I bought a Herpotherm on day two of an outbreak and it had all but gone by day five.

OLDwhyohwhy · 25/08/2021 10:42

I would have lost my shit a long time ago.

You're resigning your children to a life long disease which could be prevented by your mil not kissing them.

My mum gets them. She basically hides herself away when they flare up and won't even hug her grandchildren. She's not a GP. She just cares about other people and doesn't want to burden them with a lifelong disease.

Why aren't you angry your daughter has them? Why aren't you angry she's determined to infect your son too? Do something.

I thought your post was almost apathetic. I would be raging.

daisy46 · 25/08/2021 10:58

I can't believe you haven't blown up and put a stop to it immediately. After it happened with child #1 I would have made sure to keep an eye on MIL and tell her in no uncertain terms that she was not to kiss/share cups/utensils/etc with #2. And would have physically barred her from ds the moment I saw it happening.

I'm not fussy about a lot, but this would be a hill I would die on.

Muststopeating · 25/08/2021 11:29

Can't get over the fact that she's a GP! What a dick!

I am completely unfazed about germs generally (COVID times excluded). Very much go with the flow. But if someone gave me (let alone my child) a coldsore I'd lose the plot!

Seriously she's a dick! Its not even like you're asking her not to cuddle them, just stop kissing them on the mouth! Fecking easy solution!

ShortColdandGrey · 25/08/2021 11:38

Where about in Scotland are you? If you are near me I will come and tell her to keep her manky lips to herself. As a GP she should bloody know better.

TravellingJack · 25/08/2021 11:49

My mum is blind in one eye as a direct result of a cold sore infection being transferred there when she was a child (back in the late 40s/early 50s). Both my parents have the virus and wouldn't even cuddle us when they had an active one.

I didn't catch the virus until university Blush but am lucky that I get them fairly infrequently and not too badly. If I get one now, I'm extremely careful and DS knows to stay well away if I say I have a sore lip. We always have a few tubes of cream handy in case I get one so I can treat it straight away.

I do sympathise though. My ex-MIL was a nurse and used to kiss DS all over his face as a baby, despite me (and often exH) telling her not to and taking him off her to wash his face. She knew my mum was partially blind and why, and still would kiss DS on his lips and eyelids. She always said something like 'oh it's only a bit of saliva' and I was just aghast that someone who was a nurse for over 40yrs didn't seem to grasp that skin contact and saliva are excellent ways to transfer all sorts of germs. Mind you, it works both ways and I did think 'well I told you so!' when she caught various bugs from kissing DS when he'd started nursery and was bringing new illnesses home daily.

Original poster
2ndaryInfertilityage30 · 25/08/2021 11:50

Highlands. I’m livid, feel totally sick to my stomach and am blaming myself entirely. Everyone is right it’s my responsibility to protect him.

OP posts:
Chloemol · 25/08/2021 11:54

Tell her to stop. If she doesn’t then next time just pack you bags and leave with the kids. Say nothing to her or your husband, just do it and go

Then stop seeing her

NewlyGranny · 25/08/2021 12:00

The competed plasters have changed my life! I caught the virus from my mother but have scrupulously avoided giving it to DH and the now-adult children.

It isn't hard; you just need to think it through and care enough. I wonder which bit is missing in OP's MiL?

ChickpeaCrunch · 25/08/2021 12:09

Even if she thinks you are being silly she should still be respecting your views as your childs parent.

Looubylou · 25/08/2021 12:15

Some research exists supporting the theory that cold sore virus increases the risk of dementia, quite considerably. Does that encourage you to tackle MIL? She will be well aware of this, as a GP.

mynameisbrian · 25/08/2021 12:18

I have suffered since a child and have scar around my lips due to cold sores. I have ensured that none of my DC or DH have received any from me. I know folks will come on here and say folks can carry the virus however having sores around your mouth is terribly uncomfortable and embarrassing. I said YABU for saying nothing as I would have lost it

Lentil63 · 25/08/2021 12:21

@AmandaHoldensLips

I would completely lose my shit.
This 👆🏻
Cuddlyrottweiler · 25/08/2021 12:26

YABU for not having put a stop to this long ago. Does she know she's given DD them and that she hates them, they hurt her. She's bang out of order. She's chosing to infect children with something that will affect them the rest of her lives.
You need to stop it like right now.

Summersun2020 · 25/08/2021 12:32

It’s insane that you’re literally sat watching her do this due to not wanting to upset the Apple cart. She’s a fucking idiot.
You’re right in that the damage is probably already done.

Makinganewthinghappen · 25/08/2021 12:34

I have had cold sores since I was a child o have no idea where I got it because I don’t know anyone else who get them!

I have always been super careful not to pass it to dh or my kids and so far I haven’t.
I can’t understand why she is so determined to kiss them just wait a while - I would be very upset at her.

HoppingPavlova · 25/08/2021 12:34

neither do I or my DH who is her son - she was clearly careful with her own kids

Dont be batty. My mum suffered from constant cold sores, she kissed us kids and shared food and drink with us. Some of us have cold sores including one who has them as badly as mum did and others of us have never had one a day in our lives. We siblings all shared food, drink, spit etc as well. I’m not saying mum’s actions were right but spieling crap that your MIL was careful with her own kids but not yours is unhelpful as this is just not how it works.

Doveyouknow · 25/08/2021 12:40

I agree she shouldn't be kissing your son with cold sores. Its likely she did infect your dh when he was younger unless she has had a sudden change of behaviour. I think about 50% of the adult population have had the virus but many are asymptomatic