He has been to work 13 hours today ...aibu to have had enough?

[kellybrit45]

Been together a year
Live together but his job is ruining us.
He left for work at 8.30 am
Started work at 9am and he is still there now at 10 pm
He is the manager and is under a lot of pressure but what's the point in this.
He has a Thursday off and a Sunday off ( but not bank holiday sundays )
We can never do anything on a weekend
I spend it alone.
Sometimes he gets home at midnight just to start work at 9am
Aibu to be fed up of this crap?

It does sound a lot of hours but he has had two days off in a week. Many people get split days off.
Is it retail?

No it's hospitality

The days he is off he is constantly on his phone with work
Organising staff etc
Plus I work Thursday so I don't get home till 6 pm

Was he doing these hours before you moved in? Did you know about these hours in the first instance?

How long have you been living together?

Is there any scope for him to cut back his hours a bit?

Can’t you do something together on a Sunday?

Well, it certainly doesn't sound like a sustainable way to carry on, no.

What are the options ?
Leave him?
Help him look for a different job?
As the manager, is there anything he can do to change the T&Cs ?

YANBU perhaps if you were to leave he 'd reassess what he is doing.

Did you know his hours when you got together?
Has he been working all this time during covid?

I knew yes but he said he was knocking the ott hours on the head.
He was meant to finish at 6 pm
He never finishes at 6 pm

His last relationship ended because of his job
I'm just lonely
I'm shattered and going to bed soon
He won't be home till midnight no doubt

How does he feel about his work? If he’s happy then you have decide if he is worth the downsides and if he isn’t then you can work together to find a solution.
But the key point is what does he feel about job?

Well YANBU to not like it but some jobs are like that. Unless he wants to switch jobs, ultimately it’s like it or lump it I think.
I understand where you’re coming from by the way. DH has just got home, having left at 6:45 this morning. It’s not easy.

He worked all during covid yes ..they were open as deliveries only so he still had to be there.
He is getting fed up with his job but he will never quit it or change jobs.
He is stuck in his ways now

Would you rather be with him like this (in which case you need to make the best of it) or not with him?

these hours are not unusual

Came on to the same thing as @54321nought . My best friend is a manager of a cocktail bar and she's working 12 hour shifts 6 days a week at the moment. They just can't get the staff.
There was a similar thread on here a couple of days ago and her partner also worked in hospitality so you're not the only one unfortunately @kellybrit45

My DH is a pub manager & does similar hours, we’ve been together 17 years so I’m used to it now but it can be very lonely. Lots of his time off is when I’m at work (if he has any time off!)
I dont find evenings too bad but weekends are tough because everyone is doing family stuff & you’ll often be left on your own. My only advice is try to find something you enjoy doing & fill your Saturdays with that (I visit a lot of art galleries & watch a lot of crap telly!)

These hours are not unusual in hospitality I’m afraid, and it makes no different what level you are - my husbands in the industry, leaves for work at 6am is back at 11pm.

I feel your pain, we have two kids and I do get desperately lonely as well.

However, if he doesn’t want to change jobs there isn’t much you can do apart from decide whether this is sustainable for your relationship.

@kellybrit45 my husband is a Chef he was working absolutely ridiculous hours for years and then he switched to working in Nursing Homes and the hours are significantly better than pubs/restaurants. Money about the same. Is that an option?

We can never do anything on a weekend
I spend it alone.

that's your mistake. You need enough independence not to rely on him to entertain you and organise yourself.

He works Saturdays? Gives you time for whatever hobby you fancy, or even spending the day shopping with a friend if that's your thing.

You can ask him to ignore work for a few hours on his day off though, or plan a couple of hours if he must, but at least plan it.

I'm in the same boat op. My boyfriend is still st work, god knows what time he's home tonight. While he's been working late I've kinda learned to live without him.

Sounds like my DS1 &DS2.

Often having to go in on days off or stay hours later than planned because someone has turned up. Covid has made it more difficult when whole teams have to isolate and although DS2 has had to isolate too he is still constantly on call as he is the manager of a busy city centre bar.

Neither have relationships at present.

I would cut your losses now and break up with him, it's not a long relationship

If he's not going to change jobs and you're not happy, it's not going to get any better

DH and I both worked in the industry for years so I know how it is, but I think it's perfectly reasonable to not be happy with the situation. All the advice to find hobbies and keep yourself busy -- sure maybe, if you're trying to save a marriage and family, but otherwise why not leave and find a better relationship

My husband has always worked beyond his hours, he will come home late then will work in his office. Even when he works from home he will be in his office until gone 7pm or until I start complaining. He has always been a workaholic.

At the moment the hospitality industry is in dire straits - lots of managers working 70+ hours per week. Either they can’t get staff or are desperately trying to recoup the losses over the past 18 months.

Being with someone who works long hours and irregular shifts is tough but only you can make the call whether it’s right for you.