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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He has been to work 13 hours today ...aibu to have had enough?

56 replies

kellybrit45 · 24/08/2021 22:18

Been together a year
Live together but his job is ruining us.
He left for work at 8.30 am
Started work at 9am and he is still there now at 10 pm
He is the manager and is under a lot of pressure but what's the point in this.
He has a Thursday off and a Sunday off ( but not bank holiday sundays )
We can never do anything on a weekend
I spend it alone.
Sometimes he gets home at midnight just to start work at 9am
Aibu to be fed up of this crap?

OP posts:

toocold54 · 25/08/2021 00:06

I'm just lonely
I'm shattered and going to bed soon

I think you sound really selfish.
I’m sure after doing a 13 hour shift he is a lot more shattered and stressed out than you are.
I would be less worried about being lonely and more worried that he’s going to make himself ill.

Does he have the higher income?
Have you spoken to him about him doing less hours and you doing more or downsizing etc?

shockedNeighbour · 25/08/2021 00:30

You have my full sympathy OP. This BS broke my marriage.

Looking back I think he had real issues with earning less than me. All was well until he got promoted to management and became consumed by his career. He left the house at 6am and returned between 10:30pm and midnight! This was 6 days per week.

He had Sundays off but REFUSED to engage in any family life with me or our child as he was "exhausted" from working.

Twat. He became even more resentful of me as he put in all those hours yet I worked a 35 hour week and earned significantly more.

JaffaRaf · 25/08/2021 00:37

It’s not unusual hours for hospitality, and this year is incredibly busy and short staffed so I’m not surprised he’s doing those hours. DH is doing the same and so is everyone in hospitality management I no, maybe cut him some slack.

QueenBee52 · 25/08/2021 00:57

This is not working for you @kellybrit45

I'd make plans to leave ... and there's no hurry, its not like he's even there.. 🌸

Shelovesamystery · 25/08/2021 00:59

DH and I both work in hospitality, that is how we met 15 years ago. This is just standard hours for the industry. Tbh I think it is easier for people who work long, unsociable hours to be in relationships with other people who work long, unsociable hours. Some people who do the standard 9-5 Mon-Fri struggle to wrap their heads around hospitality hours so it all seems ridiculous and completely unreasonable to them.

I work part time since having dc's but DH is a chef and still doing normal hours of a chef. 3 or 4 days a week he doesn't see the dc's as he goes to work before they wake up and is home long after they've gone to bed. He gets maybe 2 Saturdays a year off, Sundays are better, he works half days most Sundays. Ultimately it pays our bills and feeds our kids, and I just do most things without him 😂

I suppose you just have to decide whether you are okay with him working these hours or not. Hospitality is just like this so it won't change unless he changes industries completely.

Shelovesamystery · 25/08/2021 01:05

Also 2 days off every week, one of which being a Sunday is good going for hospitality. And people don't generally get bank Holidays off either, especially managers. Bank Holidays are busy. You have to have a good reason or be lucky to get a bank holiday off.

QueenBee52 · 25/08/2021 01:13

@kellybrit45

You are deeply unhappy and lonely... You needs to leave.. find someone to share your life with.. instead of being sat home alone 🌸

NotMyCat · 25/08/2021 01:22

Hospitality never changes. I was working in pubs and restaurants in 2001 and hated seeing AFD on the rota (all fucking day) which was usually about 11am - midnight

PurpleOkapi · 25/08/2021 01:30

Are there other jobs he could realistically get that would pay the same for fewer hours? If not, can you afford to live on the reduced wages he'd get instead, and are you willing to make the necessary lifestyle sacrifices to do that? If the answer to either is "no," I'm not sure what you'd have him do here.

newnortherner111 · 25/08/2021 07:01

Given the lack of willingness to move to another job, which even if there was would take a while, looks like it is not a relationship working for you.

Envoitrevisage · 25/08/2021 07:08

I knew it would be hospitality before you even said it. Either find a good hobby and don’t waste your life waiting around or, leave him. Hospitality is always like this. At least he doesn’t do the horrors of AFD and split shifts.

8-3pm, followed by 6pm-2am anyone?!

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/08/2021 07:22

His last relationship ended because of his job

He's married to the job.

Brefugee · 25/08/2021 07:33

oh god i want to say this to everyone who ever even has a date with someone in hospitality (especially if they're a chef above the rank of sous chef); This is their life. The hospitality industry is exploitative and shit to employees. If it is their own business they will NEVER EVER have a day off if they want it to be a success.

If you have children with them you will have to work around their job. And that will probably mean a lot of birthdays, first school days, graduation days, sports days, anniversaries, holidays, Christmas, New Year etc either on your own or them popping by in the middle of a split shift.

Pay is shit. Conditions are shit. They are already in this industry and unless they repeatedly tell you that they want to get out it is not fair or reasonable to put pressure on them to leave.

This is the reality of the hospitality industry. The upside is that you can finally have fish finger sandwiches for your Christmas lunch.

Pipsquiggle · 25/08/2021 07:56

Doesn't sound sustainable to me from a relationship perspective.

What does he actually do?
Does he love his job?
Does he have a lot of responsibilty?
Does he get very well paid to compensate for the truly awful work / life balance he and you have?

My husband used to work away a lot before kids but we said it wasn't compatible with raising a family - but it was very well paid and he was around at weekends - so he changed sector.

Your DP needs to work out what he wants to do, also you need to be clear on what you want, you can't be passive in this

PumpkinPie2016 · 25/08/2021 08:07

Unfortunately, the working hours and conditions in hospitality are brutal. What you describe is far from the norm.

I have a friend who is a chef. He worked those sorts of hours in a hotel. When he and his wife started a family, he set up a really nice cafe and runs that now. Even though he is the owner and head chef, the hours are far, far better. He doesn't open Christmas day either.

Is your partner happy with the hours? If not, can he look into something else? Cafes etc that generally have better hours.

If not, ultimately, you need to decide whether you can cope with his hours or whether to end the relationship.

Guavaf1sh · 25/08/2021 08:10

Poor guy

onelittlefrog · 25/08/2021 08:14

Sounds really difficult :(

You say that he will never quit or change his job.

If that is true then that is the stark reality you must accept, and you just have to decide whether you can live like this or not. It's a clear decision - stay or leave, because he won't change anything, ever.

Is it actually true, though? Or is that just the way you're framing it?

MrsToothyBitch · 25/08/2021 08:23

This is part of the reason why I was incredibly single and lonely or only dated arseholes when working in retail management. My friends or people who wanted to date me had weekends off- I usually didn't, and if I worked lates I could be in til 10pm and then have to commute home from London. It's why I left the industry and I never, ever want to go back.

It's not working for you, OP. Either have a chat with him to try and effect change if you like him enough, or move on, I think.

isthisareverse · 25/08/2021 08:23

It's not incompatible with a relationship, but the partner needs to be on board.

If it's conflicts from the beginning, either he changes job - and why should he if he doesn't want to, or you move on. It will give him a chance to find someone else.

WhatsAppening · 25/08/2021 08:38

I’m in hospitality management.

I had three AFDs last week, two of which were 9am to 2am. I worked a total of 55hrs, and that’s not even a particularly long week.

It’s brutal. I’m off now for a week and I spent all day Monday sleeping. We went bowling yesterday and the beach is planned for today. I live for my time off.

You have to decide if this works for you. I have only been in this role for a couple of years and so we’ve had all our 9-5 yrs to build our marriage and family.

Onthebrink87 · 25/08/2021 09:09

My dp is a mental health nurse and regularly does 16 hour shifts. I also work a lot of hours but we do this as we want to be mortgage free and retired by 55. It's a lot of effort to make time for one another and lots of communication. It really is a case by case thing and what works for you. I'd have a sit down with him and have an honest conversation. Try and figure something out that works for you both and figure out if there's any compromises that could be made. How the rest of the relationship would also play a huge part in it for me. Dp always pulls his weight around the house when I'm working and he isn't and we regularly make small gestures to make sure we both know that we are valued and our work schedules are there to facilitate a nice life for us in the future.

isthisareverse · 25/08/2021 09:25

There are many fields where people routinely do these hours, especially when you add the commute (but not only).

The MN "9 to 4" jobs where both partners are back in time for a a 5pm family tea and 2 adults are needed to put the kids to bed, every weekend off, doesn't exist around me.

I don't think I could work in hospitality which is especially brutal, but it's common for people to do ridiculous hours and spend weekends on phone or email.

If this relationship is not working, of course move on, but you also need to work on independence and not needing a partner to be available every evening and weekend, it's totally unrealistic.

BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 25/08/2021 09:41

Hospitality hours are really tough. Your DP’s schedule isn’t unusual in the industry but it doesn’t make it any easier to live with . I’d have a serious chat about his future career plans and how he plans to achieve them (does he want to stay in hospitality? does he want to get out? does he need to retrain and what are his plans for that?). Then you can get an idea of the timeline and decide whether you’re prepared to wait. In the meantime, I’d try to combat the loneliness by building an independent life of your own, friendships, hobbies, interests etc.

Original poster

kellybrit45 · 25/08/2021 09:49

He works at a well known pizza chain as a manager.

OP posts:

Letthelightoflove · 25/08/2021 10:12

OP you’re not answering any of the more tricky questions - what does he think, could he do something different, is it worth it for you?

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