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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be annoyed at this comment?

53 replies

SausageRollFan · 24/08/2021 17:34

it's more the principle and what the comment reflects than than the comment itself.

I went to get the washing in from the line and my partner said "I would have got it in if you'd asked me". I just looked at him, told him he's perfectly capable of assessing if the washing needs bringing in himself and I'm not his mum who's here to tell him when to do stuff!

I hit 40 this year and wow people weren't kidding when they said you stop accepting shit when you turn 40 and I've become increasingly feminist to boot. The other day I told my daughter I'd buy her a file to start storing her own paperwork (she's 18 now) and he asked whether that was a step into womanhood and I said "why, because only women file paperwork?"

I'm about to leave his dinner in the oven and when he looks perplexed announce I would have got it out if he'd asked me. There's also no plates to eat off and he hasn't asked me to wash one up so.....

Am I being too harsh? Blush

OP posts:
DuckDuckGooses · 24/08/2021 17:39

Personally I think you do sound a bit unreasonable! With the washing, if you're the one who put it out it'd be on your mind to check if it was good to bring in - it sounds like he was just letting you know he'd have helped if you needed it?

Also the step into womanhood thing - that just sounds like a comment on her being 18 and an adult and stepping into adulthood organising her own paperwork rather than anything else!

HalloHello · 24/08/2021 17:41

Not to be sexist here, although it definitely is...

But men just don't think the same way we do. They're not programmed to think about jobs that need doing, especially if they aren't normally involved in these jobs. I don't know why this is but it's a problem across all my friends and family.

Herecomesthesun70 · 24/08/2021 17:42

I hate this too
Ranted once about not having help in the house and I wasn't the housekeeper etc
Then I stopped asking and stopped doing it.
I'll keep it decent but will wait it out until DH does stuff. There are 3 people capable in this house so I refuse to do it all

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 24/08/2021 17:44

Stop washing his stuff from now on...

Karwomannghia · 24/08/2021 17:46

YANBU but also he’s not trying to be an arsehole at least, just not getting it quite right… bless

Jengnr · 24/08/2021 17:50

It’s fuck all to do with programming. It’s socialisation and entitlement.

mbosnz · 24/08/2021 17:50

When you say, 'not programmed', do you mean not socially indoctrinated, and trained from an early age to use their own eyes, brains, and initiative, and to accept that these are jobs that need to be done, and it's just as much their job as anyone else's?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 24/08/2021 17:50

The 'if youd asked me' comment is annoying so YANBU.

The 'womanhood' comment I took more that she is female rather than women file paperwork so maybe you were being a bit over the top here.

And in response to another poster "
But men just don't think the same way we do. They're not programmed to think about jobs that need doing, especially if they aren't normally involved in these jobs. I don't know why this is but it's a problem across all my friends and family."

I must have a husband who has gone rogue and defying his sex, I came down this morning and the dishwasher had been emptied. And again at lunch time and the washing I'd put in the machine this morning had been hung out to dry and I didnt have to ask!

WrongKindOfFace · 24/08/2021 17:51

@HalloHello

Not to be sexist here, although it definitely is...

But men just don't think the same way we do. They're not programmed to think about jobs that need doing, especially if they aren't normally involved in these jobs. I don't know why this is but it's a problem across all my friends and family.

Not programmed, my arse. They’re just not trained/socialised to be a skivvy.

However the vast majority of them are perfectly capable of feeding and clothing themselves if they live alone. Funny that.

Jarline · 24/08/2021 17:52

My husband does this. He will stand with his arms folded waiting for instruction instead of getting on with stuff. Drives me up the wall.
He says he just 'can't' - I have told him that he seems to manage perfectly well in a professional capacity......

Miliao · 24/08/2021 17:52

It’s nothing to do with ‘being programmed’, if you’ve never had do it then you won’t think about it. It’s nothing to do with having a vagina or penis, it’s bit like women not being born knowing how to change a nappy! If you don’t do it, you won’t learn!

CoffeeTopUp · 24/08/2021 17:53

@Jengnr

It’s fuck all to do with programming. It’s socialisation and entitlement.
Absolutely this!
SnarkyBag · 24/08/2021 17:54

@HalloHello

Not to be sexist here, although it definitely is...

But men just don't think the same way we do. They're not programmed to think about jobs that need doing, especially if they aren't normally involved in these jobs. I don't know why this is but it's a problem across all my friends and family.

What an absolute load of nonsense. More like they are not conditioned and socialised to carry out the drudge work that comes with running a home and family!
gamerchick · 24/08/2021 17:55

@HalloHello

Not to be sexist here, although it definitely is...

But men just don't think the same way we do. They're not programmed to think about jobs that need doing, especially if they aren't normally involved in these jobs. I don't know why this is but it's a problem across all my friends and family.

Well it's about time they learned then Hmm my husband doesn't need telling when to bring the washing in. It's usually me who forgets and I put the bugger out.
Notimeforaname · 24/08/2021 17:56

But men just don't think the same way we do. They're not programmed to think about jobs that need doing

Something very wrong in my relationship so😂 He's constantly asking me what I need washed/taken out of the freezer as I often forget or dont think about those things.

But on the other side of that,my father is one of these people. Does hardly a tap in the home but that's because ''she doesn't ask'' Confused

Definitely leave him to find his own plate op.

gannett · 24/08/2021 17:57

It's a mildly annoying comment and there are much bigger feminist issues than this.

SnarkyBag · 24/08/2021 17:58

I wonder how many men at the top of the career ladder wandered aimlessly around waiting to be told what to do because They’re not programmed to think about what jobs need doing. Maybe they are secretly shadowed by women hiding in corners whispering “psst John you need to put a clean surgical gown on before you cut that guys open and take his spleen out”

SnarkyBag · 24/08/2021 18:00

@gannett

It's a mildly annoying comment and there are much bigger feminist issues than this.
I kind of disagree as it’s this ingrained shit that keeps women distracted and bogged down and helps facilitate men’s lives whilst putting theirs on the back burner.
StripeyDeckchair · 24/08/2021 18:01

@HalloHello

Not to be sexist here, although it definitely is...

But men just don't think the same way we do. They're not programmed to think about jobs that need doing, especially if they aren't normally involved in these jobs. I don't know why this is but it's a problem across all my friends and family.

Bullshit

Men don't do this stuff because women don't routinely expect them to.
Parents need to bring up ALL their children to know how to do household chores.

You are handing every man on the planet an excuse to do fuck all with comments like that and that is NOT acceptable.

Siameasy · 24/08/2021 18:02

Many of them have been pandered to by their own parents. My DM, DSIL and DMIL are the absolute worst for enabling the helpless poor man persona

DrSbaitso · 24/08/2021 18:02

But men just don't think the same way we do. They're not programmed to think about jobs that need doing

Then how do they manage to run the world?

They're fine thinking about what needs doing. They're men, not pigeons. But a significant number of them get a weapon level sense of entitlement and laziness about the shitwork when there's a woman around, because they think women are there to facilitate them.

IntermittentParps · 24/08/2021 18:06

I kind of disagree as it’s this ingrained shit that keeps women distracted and bogged down and helps facilitate men’s lives whilst putting theirs on the back burner.
Absolutely. It's a spectrum. The small things are not insignificant jsut because there are bigger things.

SandAndSea · 24/08/2021 18:09

I think there are also gentle ways of establishing ownership of certain jobs. We've had our moments here over the years too but I can honestly tell you, I don't put the washing out or bring it in. I haven't been doing the dishwasher much recently either. I've found less drama works best. I just don't do those jobs - I don't get involved in them at all. It's working so far.

OP, perhaps it's time everyone started doing their own laundry? Then, when they're pegging theirs , maybe they could peg yours too?

Cocomarine · 24/08/2021 18:10

@HalloHello

Not to be sexist here, although it definitely is...

But men just don't think the same way we do. They're not programmed to think about jobs that need doing, especially if they aren't normally involved in these jobs. I don't know why this is but it's a problem across all my friends and family.

What utter tripe!

My first husband was a lazy arse who couldn’t be bothered and got away with it because I did.

My second husband functions perfectly well as a grown adult, and is cleaning the bathroom as we speak, having just called out to me that my daughter (not his!) has left it in a bit of a mess. The calling out was conversational, and the reason she’s not expected to do it herself is she’s just gone on holiday with her dad for a week. She’s a good kid, usually tidy, but has been a bit slapdash today.

My husband was able to both SEE the mess and happily deal with it.

Cocomarine · 24/08/2021 18:12

@SnarkyBag

I wonder how many men at the top of the career ladder wandered aimlessly around waiting to be told what to do because They’re not programmed to think about what jobs need doing. Maybe they are secretly shadowed by women hiding in corners whispering “psst John you need to put a clean surgical gown on before you cut that guys open and take his spleen out”
Well quite!