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Original poster

"Just can't believe she has children"

63 replies

puzzledbythis · 24/08/2021 14:52

Hi mumsnet - a sneaky namechanger here, of course.

Accidentally overheard this said about someone today.

The context is that someone said that XXX is on leave today due to something to do with her children - and the reply was the subject line.

Not a native speaker, so not completely sure of the implied meaning here. If I directly translate it to my own language, it sounds quite rude, with a hint of "I can't believe someone decided to reproduce with her", unless, of course, when about a very young woman. Not the case here, as it was said about a woman in her late 30s.

OP posts:
BeauxRingarde · 24/08/2021 14:54

It could mean that she doesn't mention her children at work so they are surprised to hear she actually has some.

TomAllenWife · 24/08/2021 14:54

Or that she's super efficient & glamorous

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 24/08/2021 14:56

It's absolutely impossible to know what they meant. It could have meant anything from "I thought she was much younger" to "I'm just surprised because she never mentioned them before".

leakymcleakleak · 24/08/2021 14:56

Generally in a UK context I think it would be a compliment - 'I can't believe she has children, she looks so young/glamorous'

It could be negative of course: there could be an undertone of 'I can't believe she has children because she's so hard/harsh/I can't picture her not in business suits.' I don't think "I can't imagine anyone would choose to have a child with her" is something I'd take from someone saying that, unless they literally spelled it out.

BoBirmingham · 24/08/2021 14:56

I think it really depends on the tone? Was it surprised, disgusted, amused?

Some women don't mention their children at work in order to be taken more seriously, so I wouldn't be surprised if they were were just caught unaware.

HeadNorth · 24/08/2021 14:57

Or 'she has such a fabulous figure I can't believe she has children'. Or 'she is always so well turned out and pulled together I can't believe she has children' - so possibly a compliment?

BonsaiBonsai · 24/08/2021 15:00

It could mean one of many things. Someone once said to me they were surprised when I said I wanted kids (was TTC at the time) as I I didn't strike them as the maternal kindConfused

SchrodingersImmigrant · 24/08/2021 15:00

Tbh whatever the implied meaning, it has nothing to do with the eavesdropper, does it...

Fiddliestofsticks · 24/08/2021 15:00

It could be that she is a horrible person and no one can imagine her being maternal.

It may be that she is very successful in her job, and they can't imagine her doing that with children.

It may be that she always looks great, always put together, super efficient and they cant imagine doing that while having kids.

Could be very young or very old.

RedMarauder · 24/08/2021 15:05

Some women don't mention their children at work in order to be taken more seriously,

One of my sisters' had two of her children in her mid-20s and never mentioned them at work as she wanted to be promoted.

After being promoted a few times and pregnant again she started mentioning them. Her colleagues were surprised as she never mentioned them.

I also know some pretty senior women who don't mention they have children under 12 as it is the children's father, who earns less, who is the one who tends to take time off if they are sick etc.

Original poster
puzzledbythis · 24/08/2021 15:05

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Tbh whatever the implied meaning, it has nothing to do with the eavesdropper, does it...
Well... it was about the eavesdropper in this case, that's the reason for asking
OP posts:
Original poster
puzzledbythis · 24/08/2021 15:10

I mean, it wasn't intentional eavesdropping as in going around listening to people talking privately... dialled in into the scrum meeting on my day off, by phone not teams, so wasn't a "named" participant.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 24/08/2021 15:10

I’ve thought this about a manager I had when she told me she was trying for a baby. She was a very harsh/cold person and didn’t seem the maternal type. I wouldn’t have said it out loud, but I just couldn’t imagine her cuddling a baby.

NewMum0305 · 24/08/2021 15:10

My instinctive reaction was “She looks so put together / not exhausted - I can’t believe she has children.”

FuckingFlumps · 24/08/2021 15:11

Well... it was about the eavesdropper in this case, that's the reason for asking

So you overheard someone say this about yourself?

Do you mention your children at work? If not it was probably said in surprise that they didn't know you had any children.

Peanutsandchilli · 24/08/2021 15:11

I'd take it as a compliment and definitely not as 'I can't believe that someone would reproduce with her'. It was probably meant as they look too young to have children, or that they're committed to their job, or that they're well manicured, or have a nice figure. Nothing derogatory. Just that they don't appear as your typical mum (in my case that'd be fat, tired, no make-up, wrinkles and holes in my clothes).

Original poster
puzzledbythis · 24/08/2021 15:12

Do you mention your children at work? If not it was probably said in surprise that they didn't know you had any children.
It is a new job, I am less than 4 weeks in, so no opportunity to mention anything yet. And haven't seen a single colleague in person other than on video.

OP posts:
Honeymare · 24/08/2021 15:15

@HeadNorth

Or 'she has such a fabulous figure I can't believe she has children'. Or 'she is always so well turned out and pulled together I can't believe she has children' - so possibly a compliment?
This would have been my guess
womaninatightspot · 24/08/2021 15:15

Well are you well put together, present at work, not having to take parental leave all the time? I know some women who have children but have lovely tidy houses, full time jobs and look impeccable. How you have a baby and managed to blow dry your hair and leave without snotty toddler prints I have no idea.

FuckingFlumps · 24/08/2021 15:16

@puzzledbythis

Do you mention your children at work? If not it was probably said in surprise that they didn't know you had any children. It is a new job, I am less than 4 weeks in, so no opportunity to mention anything yet. And haven't seen a single colleague in person other than on video.
In which case it honestly doesn't sound like they were being rude or deragotory about you. It seems odd you would think this was more likely rather than the much more likely situation that because you've not mentioned them.

I'd take it as a compliment that you obviously look much more well put together than many parents and your children obviously sleep much better than many as you don't have bags under your bags. Grin

Knittingupastorm · 24/08/2021 15:17

If I directly translate it to my own language, it sounds quite rude, with a hint of "I can't believe someone decided to reproduce with her"

I think that would probably be the last meaning I’d take from it.

mathanxiety · 24/08/2021 15:19

@puzzledbythis, I agree with your interpretation of this.

Pendhxa · 24/08/2021 15:21

It’s a weird thing to say and says a lot more about the person who said it than the person it refers to.

LadyFannyButton · 24/08/2021 15:22

@leakymcleakleak

Generally in a UK context I think it would be a compliment - 'I can't believe she has children, she looks so young/glamorous'

It could be negative of course: there could be an undertone of 'I can't believe she has children because she's so hard/harsh/I can't picture her not in business suits.' I don't think "I can't imagine anyone would choose to have a child with her" is something I'd take from someone saying that, unless they literally spelled it out.

This.

My first thought wouldn’t be that it was mean as I can’t believe someone would reproduce with her. Why did you take it that way?

Thenose · 24/08/2021 15:24

Okay, so you haven't been there long and you've only communicated on teams. In this case, it's almost certainly a comment based on your appearance - they think you look too young, fresh or well-groomed to have children.

This kind of talk could be considered unhelpful to women in general but is meant to be complimentary to you in particular.

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